A long, long time ago in an internet galaxy far away…I used to write some stuff for a short lived NUFC fan site called The Pride of England (as in “Geordies are the…” an old, old song we sang back in the 80s & 90s). We were eager to provide something a little bit different in our approach to supporting the club and this meant that we looked at things in a bit of an irreverent style. And so it was a case of letting my imagination run wild…and making stuff up.
So, with irreverence, outright lies and a bit of fun in mind, I thought I’d relive the old days and write a guide to our next Champions League opponents, Qarabag, because let’s face it, where all of our knowledge of Azerbaijan is concerned, anything could pass for the truth.
Qarabag is situated in the Southern Caucasus region which covers the south west of Azerbaijan and Eastern Armenia. However the football team have been based in the Azerbaijani capital of Baku since 1993 rather than their spiritual home of Aghdam, which is actually over 200 miles away. The move was brought about by conflict in the Aghdam region making it unsafe to host football there.
The currency of Azerbaijan is the manat but this is largely unavailable in the UK simply because no one has ever heard of it. Instead, you’re advised to take Euros to exchange for manat once you get there, but a stash of Greggs delicacies and vintage Geordie jeans may actually make the exchange rate more favourable.
On your approach to Baku you may spot a few things that seem strangely familiar. For instance, certain parts of the outer Baku region like Marra are famous for the interbreeding of their donkeys, while places like Wheyskeyz and Nonse are run down and have what look like really shit versions of the Tyne Bridge. Strangely, all are twinned with sunderland.
Fancy a fun fact? Well, you’re getting one anyway. Qarabag’s president Tahir Gozel is a massive fan of mahogany tinted Yorkshire antique dealer, David Dickinson and runs his Azerbaijani fan club. He’s even been on Bargain Hunt back in the day. But it doesn’t end there. Not only is the training ground sponsored by Piz Buin but their home stadium is named the Azersun Arena and azersun is actually the Azerbaijani word for aftersun. Clearly, while the president loves Dicko, he’s also mindful of taking his tanning routine too far.
Two of Qarabag’s star players are branching out in a pretty successful sideline. Winger Leandro Andrade and central defender Kevin ‘Funky Cold’ Medina have been testing the water as love gurus. In fact, when the pair aren’t scoring on the pitch, they’re advising local men how to score with the ladies in their sex advice column, Shagger, written exclusively every month for the Qarabag matchday programme. In fact, such is the success of the column, the pair are about to launch a podcast along the same lines. Good luck on the sexual airwaves, lads.
Meanwhile, Qarabag goalkeeper Shahrudin Mahammadaliyev has a name that will score you 400 in Scrabble, ending any game immediately.
Interestingly, Qarabag run out to The Bay City Roller’s banger ‘Shangalang’. It’s not because it’s an absolute tune either. No, in fact the word shangalang actually roughly translates as ‘get into these’ in Azerbaijani.
If you’re off to the first leg, keep your eyes peeled for the local hooligans. Known as Baku Offa Oglan Balas their name roughly translates into Baku Aggro Boys. So if you see BOOBS written on a nearby wall, don’t build your hopes up; make a swift exit instead.
What you could do is perhaps make your way to imaginatively named local bar, Beer Station Pub which actually serves a local beer called ChitFyased coming in at a heady 14% volume. Be careful not to neck too much though or you might end up dangerously…surely you’ve got that joke? No? Wait a bit…think about that beer… it’ll land eventually.
Finally, if you notice any empty seats in the home areas of the Tofiq Bahramov stadium on Wednesday, remember that Qarabag play a long way from home. But also, a Japanese car giant have a large factory on the outskirts of the nation’s capital, so you could always just blame the Baku shift at Nissan!
So, there you have it, hopefully a useful and fairly comprehensive guide to all things Qarabag. Or just a load of juvenile lies with no offence meant…you decide!
Middle Age Fanclub 