Lewis Hall: When does a rumour become a plain lie?

Scrolling through the BBC Sport website this morning on my break I was staggered to see that they’re back to reporting on Manchester United looking at Lewis Hall. It genuinely made me blink involuntarily a little bit, like I might be seeing things.

The story read that the Manchester side “will revisit a deal for Newcastle and England left back Lewis Hall, who is keen to move to Old Trafford”. So, quite a lot to unpick in so few words there.

Firstly, I’d ask what deal? I didn’t realise that there was a deal in the first place. And I’m aware that as a mere fan I have no special insight into the goings on inside St. James’ Park, but I cannot recall a ‘deal’ ever being on the table. I remember that the media, especially a certain Manchester United podcast, practically salivating all last summer about them trying to get Hall, but nothing about an actual “deal”. Almost like it could just be a figment of someone’s imagination…

Hall clearly isn’t “keen on a move to Old Trafford”. In fact he’s said signing his contract was “an extremely proud moment” and said that staying at Newcastle was a “no brainer” adding that it was “an absolute pleasure” to play for Newcastle.

His family links to the club are well known and every performance seems not only to enhance his reputation, but cement his place as a hugely important player for the club.

I’m sick of seeing these ridiculous links; even more so when it feels like common knowledge that Manchester United wouldn’t be willing to pay anywhere near what we’d ask.

Just give it a rest, man!

Jaissle, we can’t boogie.

I didn’t have the first idea who Matthias Jaissle was when he was swiftly appointed after Eddie Howe left. What was evident was that he was a left field appointment who while he’d had notable success in his career, was unproven in a big league. I read some of the stuff written about his coaching style and tactics though and ended up feeling quite excited to see exactly what he’d bring to Newcastle.

One thing that left me puzzled though was the phrase ‘vertical football’, which seems to have come from his associations with the Red Bull group and Ralf Ragnick. Later, I read a comment online from Kevin Hatchard saying “If you’re getting confused or agitated about the phrase “vertical football”, you’re an insufferable dope.” I mean, I wouldn’t argue too much about the dope bit. Still, all I could figure out was that we’d hopefully be on the front foot a lot and going at teams.

After 13 games – league, cup and friendlies – I’m no further forward. Whatever vertical football is, it doesn’t seem to be working. It seems to involve a lot of long balls, not enough pressure on the ball when we defend – I mean, just count those shots against – and chaos across the pitch but especially in defence.

To be fair, Jaissle was brought in only three weeks before the season and has gone on record as saying that the system could take months to be fully understood and effective. It seems clear to me that he needs to be given time and patience, which I get is difficult after the last two games. This was always going to be a transitional season given the players that left in summer and the amount of young players brought in to replace them. A little like the manager, there was almost no Premier League experience with those incoming transfers. Maybe the flirtation with the likes of Pierre Emile Hjobjerg made a lot more sense than we realised.

However, while patience is important, change and flexibility is too. Jaissle has to tweak things at the very least. And I hate to be Captain Obvious, but if we’re going to try and play with a umber 10 then why haven’t we got one? Joe Willock is not the answer. Unless the question is ‘Who is Mr and Mrs Willock’s son?’ Personally I’d like to see Joelinton operating further up the field too, not necessarily as the number 10 figure – although he should have attacking instincts – but just further up the field.

Furthermore, Lewis Miley isn’t a right back, for me. I know that injuries have dictated him being there but the sooner Dedic is fit, the better. In the last two games Miley has been caught out of position a few times and it isn’t helping at all. The lad needs to be in midfield, possibly alongside both Nico and Sean Steur who is being criminally underused at the moment. I understand that age may coming into the thinking here, but the boy is quality and would undoubtedly help our cause. And if that means a change of system, then Jaissle needs to be flexible enough to do so.

On the other hand, if he sticks to his present system, things need tightening up because the gaps in midfield are quite alarming and teams are exploiting them with ease. The conundrum up front has to be addressed too because at the moment no one seems to be any kind of threat. Wissa’s finishing against Villa was poor, Pardo doesn’t look ready and it’s anyone’s guess what Osula might do.

At the back it seems obvious that Sven Botman needs to be taken out of the firing line and if Dan Burn is fit, he should come in for his experience and leadership. If Burn is still short of fitness then Fabian Schar has to come in. And is there any mileage in going three at the back in Thiaw, Burn and Schar and playing Dedic and Hall higher as wing backs?

Newcastle United 2.0 is having a bit of a wobble. Personally, I don’t think there’s any kind of crisis just yet. Performances haven’t been great or consistent so far, but it’s early in the season, early in Jaissle’s tenure and early in a lot of the first team squad’s careers (let alone their time at Newcastle). We knew that this was going to be a season of transition. We knew there’d be ups and downs. Yes, it’s frustrating at the moment. Newcastle United are a difficult watch at present. But we’ve been here before.

We need points, we need confidence and we need to see some flexibility. At the moment only time will tell if that Red Bull link makes Jaissle the new Klopp or just the next Jesse Marsch.

Middle Age Gigging: The Bluetones at the Brudenell Social Club, Leeds

Thirty was a tricky age. No longer young, but not really old either. And in my case still a bit of a knobhead, regardless of age. So 30 was celebrated, but with the brakes on, so to speak. Tonight, celebrating the 30th anniversary of The Bluetones’ ‘Expecting to Fly’ feels similar. All those years on, happy and excited to be here, only now with the stabilisers of middle age as well as the brakes on. Thankfully though, The Bluetones have a happy knack of making everything feel better.

Regular ‘Tones fans will be familiar with tonight’s support, The Loose Cut. Leeds lads who come to the table with a nice portion of indie that walks the line between pop and rock. With a set that kicks things off with ‘Last All Night’ and also gives us the singalong of ‘Round and Around’ there are definite early Police vibes here – it’s ok lads, Sting was still cool then – and there’s plenty to enjoy. Highlight of the night from Meanwood’s finest though is definitely the heavier ‘Haunt’ with the band rocking out and giving an excellent account of themselves. Hopefully there’s new material in the offing next year.

But it’s The Bluetones that we’re here to shuffle along to and so it’s as lovely as ever when they take the stage and my face adopts a grin that’s never far away for the next hour and a half or so. Because that’s what this band give us; just a lovely relaxed and happy feeling as we mix nostalgia with some cracking tunes and the same four lads we’ve been following faithfully for the last three decades.

Usually with a review I’d write about the songs as they happen but tonight it seems a bit pointless. The ever affable Mark Morriss reminds us that we’re here to listen to ‘Expecting to Fly’ and I’m sure you, dear reader, know the running order as well as the rest of us indie pop nerds.

What’s abundantly evident tonight is that The Bluetones are in fine fettle. The tunes sound as brilliant as they ever did, but special mention for me must go to the blistering versions of ‘Things Change’ and ‘Carnt Be Trusted’ both of which have this particular fan throwing one or two shapes that might well have last been seen at least a decade ago. And talking about throwing shapes, it seems that the ‘Mark Morriss Shuffle’ is in full effect tonight. Yes, he has a few between flight case water breaks, but Mr Morriss is largely out there evoking the Jackson Five with some of tonight’s moves. A pleasure to behold, as always!

There’s a point in the set where I have a distinct feeling like I’m in my 20s again, which probably isn’t that difficult to imagine given the tunes and the memories that will undoubtedly be evoked for a large proportion of tonight’s middle aged audience. And it’s a nice, warm feeling remembering a time when I believed I had more than enough to take on the world. But then I’m brought back down to Earth by the realisation that after a day in a classroom – as well as the fact that I’m well into my 50s – my feel are killing and my back hurts. It’s also well past 9pm, usually ‘telly time’ in our house, but I’ll have to just grit my teeth and keep on singing and dancing. The world and the telly can wait.

As we get towards the end of the set Mark dedicates ‘A Parting Gesture’ to the people who only had the album on a C90, as it would cut out halfway through the song. This is a weird coincidence as we were only talking about this very thing this week, Mrs C confessing that she hardly knew ‘Time and Again’ because the tape in her car would run out! Ever the gentleman, I try to point her out, but no one on stage notices and her moment in the spotlight is gone before it has a chance to happen!

Hearing ‘Expecting to Fly’ being played out again has been as wonderful as expected, but in a way it’s the encore that kind of steals the show tonight. Firstly, we’re treated to two B-sides in ‘String Along’ and ‘The Devil Behind My Smile’ and I can’t be the only one who hasn’t heard them in a little while. ‘String Along’ is particularly excellent and while both test my already terrible knowledge of lyrics – did I mention that I’m in my 50s – it’s fantastic to hear them.

We also get a second mention of the legendary Bruno Brookes as Mark lets us know the chart position of ‘ Never Going Nowhere’ – a Top 40 smash…at number 40 in the Hit Parade! Disappointingly for our frontman, there’s no cheer for that fact, but we’ll come back to that.

It’s the aforementioned tune that manages to add a little unexpected drama to the set too. For starters, with the song about a minute from its end, a strange noise enters the fray. It’s the fire alarm and it’s giving a new meaning to the word remix, chiming along as it is in perfect time with Eds’ drums. For a few seconds we lose power and the band stop. Mark tells us that they may have to leave the stage, but then we get the power back and we can carry on. This time, the chart position gets a resounding cheer and then we get another go at ‘Never Going Nowhere’ which now in its entirety features Mark adding lyrics from *takes deep breath* ‘Private Dancer’, ‘The Power of Love’ and ‘Bring the Noise’. Oh, the versatility of the these boys!

But that’s not even the end of the ‘Never Going Nowhere’ tale because just when you were wondering if Mark had been possessed by Elvis tonight – usually during ‘Carnt Be Trusted’ – the King ‘appears’ and takes over the end of the song. A bit late, but still, nice of him to put in an appearance.

As these things have a habit of doing, it all ends with ‘If’ and a great big joyful singalong. Tonight has flown by, as have those thirty years. But let’s hope that there are many more to come!

The Pacemaker Diaries – are we back to square one?

I’d really hoped that having my pacemaker fitted would spell the end of all my heart related problems. Like, really hoped. It’s been almost four years now and for most of that time I’ve felt comfortable. Frustrated with having to have a pacemaker and angry at my crappy heart, but comfortable with the idea that everything seems to be running smoothly and that this little machine has made everyday life a lot less eventful.

And then it got eventful again. Not in a good way either. I didn’t meet loads of new people and start living some kind of extraordinarily exciting life. No, eventful in that my heart decided to go back to its old tricks.

I’m a regular runner. Running was something that signalled that life was getting back to normal after my pacemaker and the time off work that went with it. As soon as I was able to go out for a run again I just felt a whole load better and the more my fitness built up, the more my confidence with my device grew.

So when, after a run earlier this year, my heart just decided that it wouldn’t slow down, I was more than a little crestfallen to say the least. Sadly, it wasn’t a one off either. Although it didn’t happen with any regularity, it did keep happening. So while my heart would be beating at about 140bpm while I was running, when I stopped something would flutter in my chest and that would mean that I was in for another episode. My heart would continue to beat at that rate or more for anything from a few minutes to a few hours.

Now if you don’t know, having your heart racing for that length of time is scary and exhausting. And any normal person might seek help. Not me though. Determined that I wouldn’t learn my lesson from the months worth of episodes and a collapse that eventually led to my pacemaker, I kept quiet and hoped that it would just go away. I ignored the cold sweats, the nausea, the numbness down my left hand side and the gradual increase in pain in favour of an eventual dizzy feeling that might make me pass out. Because that would mean that it was over and that I could just rest and live with a normal heartbeat again.

Then, at the back end of August I finished a 5 mile run on a particularly glorious morning and began to walk home. A few steps later there was a familiar flutter and I knew that my heart beat wasn’t going to settle down. This lasted for around 5 hours, at the end of which I’d decided I better tell someone. So I waited for my wife to get home and kept my fingers crossed that for the rest of the day my children wouldn’t notice if dad went a funny colour.

Fast forward a few weeks and I was strolling nervously across Leeds to attend the Pacemaker Clinic at the LGI not knowing what would happen. Work had very kindly given me some time at the end of the day to ensure that I got there on time and now I was walking slower and slower in order to put off the inevitable for as long as I could.

There was nothing new waiting for me. The same spiel as ever before, the same types of tests and the same episode of a technician literally playing with my pacemaker in order to manipulate my heartbeat and make me feel sick. And at the end of it all they were able to tell me that some episodes had been my heart, while others had been the pacemaker. The plan now is to wait a month and take a download from my heart monitor and see what that reveals. Another waiting game.

I haven’t had an episode since the one in August. I’ve been out running a few times to test things out and so far, there’s been no adverse reaction. I’m making sure that I give myself a proper warm down afterwards in order to give my heart the chance to just settle down naturally, but I know that there’s no magic formula here. And so I just have to wait.

I’m hopeful that there’s little or nothing wrong. It only happens after a run and even then very infrequently. So, at worst it might mean that my Olympic dreams are over. I guess all I’ve got is to wait until the middle of the month to have some light shed on things. Until then, I suppose the best I can do is to get on with things and try not to worry. Am I back to square one? I don’t think so, but all I can do is wait to find out.

Magpie Moments Episode 9

Welcome back to another Magpie Moments, where we look at some famous and some not so famous moments in the history of Newcastle United. The three moments that we’ll look at this time are part of the modern history of the club, featuring the likes of McGhee, Pardew and David Kelly. So let’s dive in!

From the club who brought you Dyer v Bowyer, now Pardew uses his head! It felt easy to dislike Alan Pardew. I remember my thinking as being ‘anyone but Pardew’ when I first heard the rumours of his appointment. And then, during his time in charge of the Toon, he all too often felt like Ashley’s man. All ‘Mike said’ this and ‘Mike feels’ the other, if you’ll pardon the expression. On reflection though, he put together at least one decent squad and got us into Europe at a time in our history when that kind of thing felt like it was light years away. The moment in question though took place in 2014 in an away game at Hull City. Pardew was in his technical area when Hull won a throw and their midfielder David Meyler, once of sunderland, barged past in order to grab the ball for a throw. Pardew took exception, words were exchanged – no doubt some witty football banter – and before you knew it the two were inches apart and suddenly old Pards was sticking his head into Meyler’s face. Not quite a full on Glasgow kiss, more a Year 7 headbutt, but not exactly in the spirit of the game, either! An astonishing moment that you might expect in Sunday league , but not at the top level. Pardew was fined £100,000 by Newcastle, £60,000 by the FA and also received a ban of 7 games.

McGhee leaves it late! January 1990 saw one of the best games I ever witnessed at St. James’ Park. We were going for promotion under Jim Smith with Micky Quinn and Mark McGhee leading the line and at times we felt unstoppable…until the end of season play off that is. On this day though, we took an early lead through Mark McGhee and it felt like we’d stroll to the win. But Leicester had other ideas and scored twice before half time. Normal service was resumed straight after the break with Micky Quinn grabbing the equaliser. This being Newcastle though, by the 74th minute Leicester had retaken the lead and then extended it to 2-4. The promotion charge was officially stumbling. And then it happened. Not one, not two, but three goals in 10 minutes to put us ahead and ultimately win the game. I remember the winner well. Liam O’Brien won the ball from a breaking Leicester forward and it eventually got worked wide before being clipped into the feet of McGhee on the edge of the box with his back to goal. In an instant he fainted to go right and then turned onto his left foot and just hammered a low hard drive into the far corner of the net. The footage shows a heaving Scoreboard and Corner going mad and again, I remember only too well being thrown about in the Scoreboard, desperately trying to keep my feet while probably thinking that this was the best moment of my life!

Quinn, KELLY…that’ll do! Older Mags will remember this one well, while younger fans may well have been told about what is perhaps the most important goal in Newcastle United history. Without it, we were staring Division Three in the face. The game is seared into my memory. I’d travelled up from university, desperate to see us grab at least a point and we huffed and puffed our way through the game, never really looking much like scoring. In fact, the goal came from a Portsmouth breakaway, with Tommy Wright saving a shot and then throwing the ball long to Ray Ranson. Ranson kept it moving forward with a long, high ball which Kelly sort of flicked on towards Micky Quinn. Kelly then kept running and Quinn found him with a bouncing ball into his stride at the edge of the box. What happened next will go down in club folklore as Kelly ran onto the ball, catching it sweetly on the half volley and sending it beyond the keeper high into the corner of the Gallowgate net. Pandemonium! The final 5 minutes were spent trying to get my breath back while screaming encouragement for us to hang on. There was a slight late scare as a ball came into our box, but after what felt like an eternity the ref blew and it was all over. Mention David Kelly’s name nowadays and it is that goal that springs straight to mind. Our fate still wasn’t safe and there would be another twist in the tale to come. But we’ll save that for another time!

And there we have it. Three more Magpie Moments to get you reminiscing. And given the rich history of Newcastle United, there’ll be many more to come.

Book Review: Angels of Destruction by Keith Donohue.

When a mysterious child turns up on the doorstep of a widow in the middle of a night, there’s nothing else to do but bring her in out of the cold. But Margaret Quinn has never gotten over the loss of her child some years ago and so instead of just taking the child in, she offers her a home. So begins the brilliant ‘Angels of Destruction’.

From the very start this is a tale full of mystery and the reader is almost always left with questions. The child, Norah, is something of an enigma. She can’t explain where she’s from, she hasn’t eaten in who knows how long and appears nothing short of desperate. How does one so young and vulnerable just turn up on a stranger’s doorstep?

Later, Norah reveals some kind of magic powers. Yet in amongst all of the confusion there seems to be a polite, intelligent and well adjusted young lady who is bursting with potential.

Meanwhile, we learn that Margaret’s daughter disappeared in mysterious circumstances many years ago and that it’s been some time since she had heard from the runaway. Nursing a broken heart and missing her lost daughter like only a mother could, it seems only natural to take in the mysterious little girl and pass her off as family. But nothing can be as simple as that, can it?

Angels of Destruction is a wonderful book full of surprises, mystery, hope and tension. Norah, it turns out, is never far from some kind of trouble despite her well meaning nature and this in turn impacts not only on Margaret but the local community too. This leads to a fair bit of tension; as a reader one can’t help but feel sympathy for Margaret and so we want her to continue taking comfort in the new lease of life that Norah gives her. But Norah just can’t seem to stay out of trouble. And as the story unfolds, more and more is revealed about Norah, Margaret and their worlds.

We find out about more Margaret’s daughter Erica, herself a bit of an enigma who’s disappearance takes on quite an epic life of its own. In turn, we learn of Wiley, the drifter that Erica took off with and their quest to join the Angels of Destruction, a West Coast cult. And thus, we can fully understand Margaret’s angst and her subsequent decision to take in Norah. But will Margaret ever see Erica again? And with the community becoming suspicious, what will happen with Norah?

Keith Donohue has written a fabulous novel and created a world full of intriguing characters and marvellous adventure. There’s always something going on and rarely a lull in the tension or mystery. And while there’s always hope in the novel, especially concerning Margaret, it’s always tinged with sadness and an ever present sense of tension.

The novel sways back and forth in time, sometimes in the present day telling Norah and Margaret’s tale, while at others going back in time to give us background on Erica, the lost daughter. And all the while we encounter mysterious figures who threaten to shatter Margaret’s world some more while wondering if an when anyone will find out the truth about little Norah.

‘Angels of Destruction’ is a remarkable tale, full of mystery, fantasy and intrigue yet tinged with a sense of loss. As such, you’ll find yourself immersed in a world where it feels like almost anything might happen.

I give ‘Angels of Destruction’…

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Matthias luvs Lewis 4 eva!

In a world where certain clubs seem to be handed every advantage possible, it feels unlikely that the powers that be could find any other way to help them out. And yet, here we are in the self styled ‘best league in the world’ where now even the media are helping our beloved ‘big 6’.

Time was that ‘tapping up’ a player was an offense. So how come there’s been such a sea change that now clubs can just have their interest and supposed contact with players plastered all over the media before our very eyes?

Newcastle have been the victims of this kind of thing with several players over the last couple of years. And of course, I realise that players might just want to leave, but when they’re paying someone to leak messages like ‘he only wants Arsenal’ then things have gone too far.

I’d thought that the end of the transfer window could be the end of my irritation with this kind of thing. Turns out I was wrong because for the last week I’ve still been seeing Lewis Hall’s name linked to Manchester United. And what prompted this article is the guff below from the BBC Sport website.

We’re over a week on from the end of the window and we get this! And the context makes it far worse than it first appears.

This week, it was announced that Hall has signed a new contract that will keep him at the club until 2031. This will mean that he’ll be handsomely rewarded for his service at his boyhood club; the club that his family supports. There’s also no release clause and therefore no obvious signs of even thinking of being released to go elsewhere.

On signing Hall said, “It’s an absolute pleasure to play for this club and represent the supporters”, “It’s a really good place to be” and “I think we can go on to achieve really great things.” Lewis Hall is clearly happy at Newcastle United, but even this won’t be enough for some who will no doubt continue to speculate that he’ll be leaving in summer 2027.

After the win at Millwall in midweek Hall was interviewed post match. Here’s what he said. “There was a lot of negativity before everything happened and as soon as the gaffer came in, he’s been top, as well as all of the coaching staff. The way he’s got us playing is amazing and I can speak on behalf of everyone – we’re really enjoying playing under him.” It doesn’t take a linguistics expert to work out that Lewis Hall is happy at Newcastle United. But I’ll repeat it for the YouTubers at the back – LEWIS HALL IS HAPPY AT NEWCASTLE UNITED!

Looking further back, after our win at Spurs the other week, during a post match interview Matthias Jaissle was told by Peter Schmeichel, “We’re (Man Utd) looking at your left back.” When he’d gotten over the initial shock that Peter Schmeichel appeared to be brazenly telling him who he could keep at the club, Jaissle replied emphatically “No way”. Still the online campaign continued with the likes of Alan Partridge clone Mark Goldbridge and various YouTubers and e-fans openly talking about ‘the Lewis Hall transfer’ like it was an inevitability.

In another twist, Jaissle was quoted as saying that he was “…in love with what I’ve seen from him so far.” So on top of all of the other positives we’ve now pretty much got ‘Lewis and Matthias sitting in a tree…’. Surely the message doesn’t get any clearer?

How can it be right then, that when so much love is in the air between player and club that the likes of the BBC, TalkSport, Ben Jacobs, Alex Crook as well as various other social media outlets linked to Man Utd, continue to insist on trying to ram their made up agenda down our throats?

I’m tired of vocabulary like ‘food chain’ and being told that we should know our place. B*ll@!ks to that. I’m sick to the back teeth of transfer speculation that should just stay firmly in the minds of the fantasists out there. Make the enquiry or pay the money. Otherwise, this unsettling of players really has to stop. He’s signed the contract, he loves the club, he loves the gaffer, the gaffer loves him and we love the both of them.

Oh, and by the way, LEWIS HALL IS HAPPY AT NEWCASTLE UNITED!

Gallowgate Cult Heroes number 25: Robert Lee

Were it not for Kevin Keegan’s powers of persuasion and this players lack of geographical knowledge, we may have lost out on our latest Gallowgate Cult Hero to Middlesborough. Thankfully, Newcastle Airport somehow made us closer to London than Teeside was and Robert Lee signed on the dotted line.

Lee was signed from Charlton Athletic for £700,000 in September 1992. An athletic and powerful right sided midfielder he would go on to become a Toon legend and develop into an excellent central midfielder. At the time that he signed Keegan told him that he’d make him an England international. And while this came true, it was as much down to Lee’s ability and the sheer amount of graft that he’d get through as anything Keegan did. Keegan – as he did with almost every player around that time – inspired belief, but the ability was all Lee.

Rob would stay at Newcastle for 10 years, thriving under Keegan and Dalglish, becoming one of Bobby Robson’s trusted ‘blue chip boys’ and surviving the politics and petty point scoring of the Gullit era.

There are enough Rob Lee ‘moments’ to fill a book, but I thought I’d pick out a few favourites, which I’m sure lots of us all share.

The first would be his disallowed goal against Brentford in the ’92/’93 season. But this wasn’t any old disallowed goal; this was one from about 60 yards out. Lee chested the ball down and lobbed the Brentford keeper at the Leazes end from well inside his own half. Cue, pandemonium in the stands. But wait. As Lee had struck the ball the ref was busy awarding Newcastle a free kick for a Brentford offside. I mean, he couldn’t possibly have just played the advantage with the home team attacking, could he? The ‘goal’ will go down as one of the strangest decisions any of us will ever see and Rob was fuming. Asked about it some years later he said, “It was the worst decision I’ve ever seen.” Me too Rob, me too.

The next moment would be one of his finest in black and white and probably one of the fondest memories any of us older supporters have. That header in the 2000 semi final against Chelsea. Not only was it a cracking goal, it also broke a bit of a hoodoo. Newcastle hadn’t scored at Wembley in the cup finals of ’98 and ’99. It felt like we never would as well, given the passive nature of both performances. At the time, I’d just moved to Leeds. I couldn’t get a ticket for the game and we didn’t have Sky, leaving me going to a Leeds pub to watch the game until a kindly new neighbour invited me across to watch it on his telly. At 1-0 I was despondent, resigned to our fate once more. Then on 66 minutes, when Shearer got the ball on the right side of their box I was up on my feet shouting for him to cross it. As he beat the fullback I was screaming at the telly and when Rob Lee met it with a peach of a header I was mid air, arms aloft in my new neighbour’s front room, swearing like a trooper and losing my mind. My neighbour had known me for a matter of hours but thankfully he didn’t ask me to leave and we became firm friends. Bobby Lee’s header still gives me goosebumps all these years later!

Sticking with the heading theme, Rob Lee also probably provided many of us with one of our favourite European memories too. In 1994 Newcastle had qualified for the UEFA Cup and had a first round away leg against Royal Antwerp. I was fresh out of university and frankly, penniless. There would be no going away for me. It wasn’t on the telly either so I found myself sat in my mate’s bedroom listening to the game on a crackly FM radio. We were both nervous. European football was something we had very little experience of so we certainly didn’t expect to roll into Antwerp and hammer them. But hammer them we did and Rob Lee came up with a hat trick of headers and another fine performance. As goal after goal went in in that first leg I remember feeling completely delirious, like this couldn’t possible be real. It’s fair to say that the LCL Pils tasted like nectar that night! While watching the video of the game writing this I was struck by the quality in that side. Lee himself, Beardsley, Ruel Fox, Scott Sellars, Andy Cole and even a young Steve Watson dancing through in the latter stages to score a brilliant fifth.

In reality Robert Lee was so much more than a Cult Hero. A club legend, an adopted Geordie and a player inducted into the Newcastle United Hall of Fame as well. Lee was someone who was central to some of my most enjoyable times watching Newcastle United and I’m sure this applies to many more of us too. Rob Lee was a genuine pleasure to watch.

Teaching: Here comes The Fear…

It’s started. After almost 6 weeks of a summer holiday, this English teacher is already getting ‘The Fear’. Even though September sees me begin my 27th year of teaching, going back never gets any easier. ‘The Fear’ is always there, whether it’s simple Sunday afternoon fear or the end of a break fear.

I’m not back until Tuesday – hallelujah for the Bank Holiday – and yet I woke up on Saturday right out of a ‘going back nightmare’. I’d love to say that I sat bolt upright in bed and let out a scream, like I was in some wacky Hollywood comedy, but I didn’t. Instead, I opened my eyes to the usual middle aged joint pain followed by a terrible realisation about the nightmare I’d been having. As with any morning I also let out a few whispered expletives, all of them featuring the ‘f’ word.

Teaching nightmares are par for the course when you’re about to head back to it. Last night’s was really quite bizarre and not the usual ‘they’re not listening’ type of thing. Instead, I’d been assigned to a desert school on some sort of compound. There were kids everywhere and also scorpions and snakes; lots of snakes. I’m not even that sure you get too many snakes in the desert. But this was never going to be true to life, brought on as it was by the anxiety of going back to work.

The snakes weren’t the worst of it though. King Charles and our previous queen, Elizabeth II, were my teaching assistants and boy did old Liz have a sailor’s mouth on her! Furthermore, when I went to the toilet – outside, of course, – every time I went to wee it set off a nearby sprinkler which gave me wet shoes and trousers. Not a look to take back to your classroom!

All this because it’s time to go back to work. But, of course, fellow teachers and those who work in education will know all about ‘The Fear’.

‘The Fear’ will no doubt continue even when I go back because on Tuesday we have the dreaded inset day where everyone and their mum’s that’s associated with any trust schools turn up to share a day of learning. It’s easily my worst day of the year, every year. I remember times when we just went back and more or less got the day to ourselves to get prepared. Common sense, right? One year, I sat working and completely forgot that I should have been in the hall listening to results feedback. When I realised I set off to the hall but swiftly turned around when I thought about how stupid I’d look and how dull it would be. No one said a thing.

At a previous school the CEO of the whole trust used to give a speech at the start of each day. These were inevitably, and for all the wrong reasons, the funniest thing I’d hear all year too. In my first year there he told us about the trust’s ‘no dickheads’ policy. I cannot, dear reader, underestimate the irony in said policy not least because they employed me, but mainly because of this particular CEO. Then, the next year he tried to convince us all that he’d been a ‘bad boy’ at school and that as a result he was indeed a local success story. Suffice to say that I’m still awaiting the medal I deserved for keeping a straight face that day.

Nowadays schools do stuff like get you to attend little seminars in the morning before you then spend the afternoon all together listening to far too many people attempt to bore you to sleep. Or something like that. So it might be anything from classroom management tips or a foot fungus clinic right through to some bright young thing trying to bring back class pets or just Abba pilates – and that’s just me throwing two words together to make a thing, but someone somewhere is thinking about which member of Abba they’d be. Honestly, it’s a nightmare. And then after the inevitably disappointing lunch suddenly someone’s bounding on stage to inspire you for the last few hours of the day. I don’t want to sound ungrateful – although I clearly am – but you know what would inspire me? An early finish or a day in my classroom.

Ah yes, my classroom. More fear. Our school has been renovating our corridor over summer. And I’ve been here before. In education it feels like nothing ever gets finished on time, so I’m preparing myself to not be too perturbed when I walk in and my classroom has no floor or something. All of my stuff is either in other classrooms or in long term storage and I am genuinely envisaging walking into my room to find absolutely nothing there! I’ve spent years coveting bloody glue sticks as well, so if they’re lost then I fear I’ll turn into Michael Douglas in Falling Down!

So, as well as worrying about whether I can still actually teach, I’m also worried about whether my classroom has all its walls, if I have a desk or even if it’s just a case of all my stuff has been brought back and dumped. I mean half a day to get everything put back in the right place is going to be quite the challenge.

As we all know though, within a couple of weeks these pre-term worries will be old news as learners have a funny little way of disrupting everything you’ve put in place with just a few words or actions. So what will be the new ‘6 7’? I mean it’ll have to go some to beat that particular work of genius. And will every student in every class still have their minds blown because I’ve had either a shave or a haircut? I wouldn’t care but it’s the same haircut every time and still it’s “Fresh trim, sir?” or even more strangely, “Who’s your barber, sir?” like they might just know him. And now, because of course young people invented hair cuts, I even get some asking if they could cut my hair! Who knew that barbering could become such an aspiration as well as yet another way to disrupt a lesson?

Whatever your role, wherever your school and whatever your cohort looks like’The Fear’ takes many forms and if you’re in education you’ll no doubt have lots of your own. One thing’s for sure though; however many nightmares you have and however cringeworthy your inset day might get, the first day of another new academic year is right around the corner. Cheer up though, it’ll soon be Christmas…

Always look on the bright side; 5 things that made me smile in July.

It’s that time again. The bit of my blog where I attempt to cheer people up, make them smile a bit, brighten their day or whatever else this series might be capable of. Usually, I reckon it’s only around a dozen people, but this monthly piece still does the same thing for me – makes me smile and reminds of just how much good is going on around me, in amongst all of the absolute rubbish in the world. So what was doing the trick in the last month?

Reaching the end of summer term. I love my job for any number of reasons. From working with vulnerable kids to standing at the front of my classroom and frankly, showing off. One day I might help someone crack a problem they’ve been having with reading or writing and on another I might just be glad to see them leave my room! The best thing about my job though, if I’m being brutally honest, has to be the summers. Every year, without fail, we get to just beyond the halfway point of July and I get to take the next 6 weeks off. I cannot stress enough how absolutely sensational it is to wake up every morning during that time knowing that I don’t need to go to work. So, no matter how hard a year I’ve had – and I’ve always worked in somewhat challenging schools – I know that there will come a time when, whatever is on my mind, work is not even in the picture!

Detectorists overwhelmed. This was the story of the metal detectorist Peter Hughes who spent the last 21 years gradually discovering more and more ‘treasure’ from a shipwreck on Margam beach in Wales. The coins date back to 1583 and the wreck of a ship returning from Spain with payment for grain that had gone the other way. Peter had visited the beach over 1000 times over the last two decades, regularly finding nothing at all. However, in that time he’s also unearthed well over 800 gold and silver coins from the wreck, as well as several other ship related items. The treasure haul has now gone on display at the National Waterfront Museum in Swansea. As good as it is, the story also made me think of the BBC show, The Detectorists, with Mackenzie Crook and Toby Jones, about a pair of long suffering metal detectorists who always seem to just miss out on the kind of big find described above. It’s a brilliant, heart-warming and understated show that we’ve only recently discovered and it never fails to make me laugh.

Retirement plans. The end of another academic year puts me another year closer to a relatively early retirement. I’m slowly realising that I’ve not got many more years in me as far as work is concerned, so we’re making tentative plans. At most, I’ve got three more years in me, but I might just do two, depending on how my pension’s looking. Either way, thinking about it always makes me smile!

Mod escort to Prom! If you don’t know, Mod is a British subculture born in the 1960s – and still alive and well today – focusing on particular styles of music and fashion from that era. They’re also into scooters, particularly Lambretta and Vespa. Last month I read a story of a Mod obsessed schoolboy from York who was given a scooter escort to his prom. Having attended a fair few proms in my teaching career I’ve seen students arrive in everything from limos to horse drawn carriages and military vehicles to helicopters. I’ve never seen a scooter escort though and so, coupled with my own interest in Mod culture, this one really made me smile. 15-year-old Travis from York, who is autistic, had been obsessed by Mod culture all his life learning lots of stuff from his grandparents. And although he wasn’t keen to go to Prom at first, his love of a sharp suit and his mum organising a scooter escort for him, persuaded him to go. The fact that the escort consisted of more than 100 scooters was just a fantastic turn out. Just a brilliant story!

The sun! Summer will generally bring out the sun at times, but in England you’re still more likely to get more than your fair share of rain. But, July brought with it another heatwave, meaning that our school sports day had to be done over two consecutive mornings – more time idling in the sun for me! Furthermore, for the bit of July that was spent at home I was able to fill loads of my time in the garden, just relaxing. More than enough reason to smile!

And with that, I’ll bid you adieu! But I’ll be back next month with hopefully a load more instances of turning that frown upside down!