So this is a poem that I posted in our Lockdown Literature group on Facebook a while ago now. I had been swept up in the phenomenon that is #PEwithJoe, which has taken place every morning of the UK’s lockdown, as part of the whole home-schooling effort. It fascinated me that something which was the total opposite of my idea of fun – and even my idea of exercise – had become so important to me. Every morning – and every morning since, 66 in total and counting- I was thinking about our workout from the moment I woke. I was loving putting myself through the whole effort, loving pushing my really quite old and broken body to the limit and loving Joe. Not like that! Although I can’t deny there’s a tiny bit of a (one-sided) bromance going on.
Rather than write a deep, thoughtful poem that would explore how I was approaching fighting the threat of Coronavirus, how we shouldn’t make hasty judgements and my progression into middle-age, I just went for, shall we say, a more ‘comedy’ angle and the usual nonsense. The result is below.
Joe Wicks.
I first met you in Asda. The book aisle. I was doing the midweek shop. You caught my eye, staring at me from the cover of your latest tome. (Well, it was the book aisle).
All hair and teeth and man made fibres, a face that could become the international sign for the word ‘Wotcha’. You reminded me of myself a very long time ago: the hair, not the teeth, and a face that said, “What the fuck am I going to do with all this hair?”
You were definitely not for me.
Now, some years later, we seem to be in the midst of a rather intense bromance. Every weekday from nine you dance for me. Sort of. Breathless and shouting out the names of exercises, while I follow, an enthusiastic amateur undignified in clingy leisurewear. I too am breathless, heart racing, arms and legs trembling as I attempt to squat for the umpteenth time or plank for twenty seconds.
I tell you, I don’t usually act this way. You shout insanely. Something about exercise being a perfect start to the day. I think, ‘sounds reasonable’ and ‘why are you shouting?’
I dream of that body being mine. Not like that Joe Wicks, you mucky pup. No, I imagine that when all this ends I too will have a stomach like a cobbled street and a chest that folk refer to as pecs, rather than moobs.
One day, when I get bored, I’ ll destroy it all with beer, Jamaican ginger cake and Doritos. But we’ll always have that summer Joe Wicks. That summer that was actually a spring. Our very own aerobics Brokeback spring summer. Just locked behind our own front doors, rather than being sexy cowboys on a mountain.
So there you go. As a side note, I posted a video of me reading the poem on both Twitter and Facebook, which seemed to go down quite well. If you’d like me to re-post on Twitter, let me know! As ever with these poems, let me know what you think. Did you like the poem? Have you been partaking of a bit of Joe Wicks in the morning? Have you been someone who’s used lockdown/quarantine to try something new? I’d love people to give me their thoughts in the Comments box.
Lockdown should have been a miserable time. If you’d been told that you’d have to stay indoors almost indefinitely because there was the kind of virus that you’d only ever witnessed in the realms of Hollywood and this was the only thing that would keep you safe, you’d have been terrified. As well as looking at the people you’d be living with and wondering which one you’d end up eating first. But then, of course, this is exactly what you were told. (Answers in the comments about who you’ve eaten or are eyeing up for the garlic and herb marinade, by the way).
I’m sure though I’m not alone when I tell you that lockdown has been far from miserable. Yes, it’s painful being away from family, friends, loved-ones and simple normality, but it doesn’t half test your resolve and your sense of creativity. I have two children – a 13-year-old and a 10-year-old – and the challenge of keeping them busy, both with home-schooling and just in terms of general entertainment is tricky to say the least! The challenge of actually continuing to like them has been even trickier at times!
But there have been bright spots and one of which has been the way that people have rallied round each other. Yes, we can’t be together, but that’s not stopped people being kind and resourceful. Some have volunteered and made deliveries, picked up shopping and prescriptions for the elderly or clapped for the NHS. Me? I’ve done some of that and offered my services out even more. However, easily one of the best things I’ve done is to form a Facebook group to help everyone people stay creative.
Lockdown Literature – although it seems to have fizzled out of late – has been great. It was a group that I started in order to encourage some of my friends to stay creative during isolation and to see what people would write. It would also be another good way of staying in touch. The response across the weeks has been amazing – poems, short stories, life writing, even some literary criticism.
The whole idea came about because a friend had done similar, but with an art group. A bunch of us were attempting to post artwork regularly and as I’d been keen to start sketching again, so it served a purpose too. It was definitely fun. I must admit though, that looking at other people’s art made me feel quite inferior and this played a part in forming the Lockdown Literature group. In short, I knew that I was a better writer than an artist!
Lockdown Literature has prompted me to write some poems. This was something I had last done a few years ago and something I’d considered starting using as part of this blog. Typically for me though, I couldn’t find the notebook containing previous poems. And so, I had to start all over again.
My first idea came when I was pegging washing out on the line to dry. I was looking around the washing at my neighbour’s garden and it just occurred to me that his shed was massive. I was humbled by his shed! And a bit jealous, if I’m honest. So, I finished the hanging the washing out, dashed inside and started scribbling stuff down in my notebook. In about 20 minutes I had a poem and by the time half an hour had passed I’d posted it in the group.
I see my poetry as generally being a bit silly really. I like to try to use humour and to experiment with language, if I can. ‘My Neighbour’s Shed’ was exactly that. Silly, sarcastic and, at times, just me having fun with language. There was nothing here to change anyone’s life, nothing to move anyone to tears…or even think, really! Just an attempt to make people smile.
Since then, I’ve written poems about exercise gurus, home-schooling, nature and Prince amongst other things. And yes, that did say Prince, as in the little funky, purply adorned fella. But, inspired by others in the group, who it has to be said have written with real beauty and maturity, I’ve also written much more personal poems about family, which I’ll be posting in the blog in the coming weeks and months.
At the moment the group seems to have hit an almost terminal low. I’ve continued to contribute, but I feel like people might start to think I’m using it as some kind of showcase soon. A bit of a ‘Hey guys, this is me…’ kind of thing and that would never be my intention. So, I’m trying to come up with ways of getting people interested again, but it’s tricky without appearing to be annoyed at people, which I’m really not. I’d just love to read some more of the poems and stories that I’d read before.
So – and apart from me it seems to be an exclusively female group of contributors – here’s a little push, I guess. Laura – I’d like to see more life writing, Karen, that short story never ended, Ruth, Kath, Kylie, Emma, Hannah and anyone else in the group who I’ve missed, more of your poems, please! I’m clearly pals with a lot of very talented people! I’ve loved reading the things that my friends have written and for a month or so it felt like Lockdown Literature was a tiny force for good. And although I’m sure it’s not the most original idea anyone’s ever had, I’d definitely recommend setting up such a group with other like-minded souls. You could let me know about our own groups in the comments.
It seems appropriate to end with a poem. So, I will! This was a poem I wrote that was a little different from my other ones. I wrote it a while ago now having been forced out of bed by an idea. I knew I had to get up and get some words down on the page. I’m still unsure about this poem, but, as I said when I posted it in the group, it might be apt for the times that we’re all living through.
Happen
Don’t. Don’t forever wait. For the right time, the perfect place, the ideal feeling. Make something happen.
Pick up the phone, write the letter, click send, speak to him, speak to her, write the song, do the thing. Make something happen.
Don’t. Don’t sit on the fence. Don’t leave it for tomorrow, count to ten, count to a thousand. Make something happen.
Life will not wait. There is no perfect time. There is no perfect. The wind won’t change and the cracks in the pavement don’t actually matter. Before you know it time has flown, things have changed, they’ve found someone else who said or did what you should have, could have… Make something happen.
Another poem from my Lockdown Literature group today. This one came about around the start of lockdown, when it was all new and in a way, quite exciting. You know, despite the terror and all that less exciting stuff?
I’d noticed lots of people on Facebook and Twitter posting stuff about nature ‘returning’ and it made me chuckle a little bit. Especially the really earnest ones where people were claiming that nature was re-claiming the streets or teaching us a lesson because, as humans, we’d got it all wrong. It was none of this. Animals have been adapting to their surroundings for longer than we care to imagine. Most likely it was just that things were quieter and animals had noticed and got a bit bolder about where they were wandering and when. Lots of people seemed to be reacting quite hysterically and yet the only evidence I’d seen at the time was the video of some pigs walking through the streets of Bergamo in Italy.
We have bird feeders at the back of our garden in the trees and while we were probably seeing more birds than usual, I was yet to see an eagle, a condor or a Terrahawk (I know that they’re fictional by the way – that was the joke). Admittedly I’d gained a rat in my shed (sadly for comedy purposes, not my kitchen), but other than that, nature was definitely not trying to teach me a lesson by parading up and down our road. And so, I began to think about how ridiculous the posts could get and whether people might start to outdo each other. From this came the poem that follows.
Guess who’s back?
It started with those cute pigs in Bergamo. There were probably some ducks somewhere as well. There’s always ducks.
And then…
A giraffe stooping to get into Bargain Booze, An ostrich in Hyde Park singing the blues, An antelope out for a jog, A lion combing his mane with a perplexed hedgehog, A wombat on a BMX giving a backa to a pikachu and the pikachu’s listening to DMX and just staring hard at you. Nature’s back.
In the park, after dark there’s a gathering of starlings, They’re meeting up with collared doves and riding penny farthings. Nature’s back. And it’s brought hipsters.
Foxes sketching landscapes while hunt beagles go climbing at Go Ape. And of course, there’s meerkats trying to sell you insurance while panda bears do triathlons to test their bear endurance. Out the window there’s more nature hourly, We’ve even had a brontosaurus in our cul-de-sac in Morley…
While we’re locked down, sick with cabin fever ready to attack, Comfort yourselves folks, nature’s very definitely back.
Apologies if you find that one a little bit cynical. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, by July we’ll be overrun with wildlife carrying placards and marching through our city centres declaring that the humans should be made to pay! Maybe wildfowl will start looting supermarkets and electrical wholesalers after hours and setting light to stuff. And then I’ll be sorry, won’t I?
Anyway, I hope you like my silly poem. Feel free to drop me a comment or click the Like button. And if you really like your literature with a large helping of nonsense, the feel free to Follow. Thanks for reading!
Shortly after our state of lockdown was declared I received an invitation to join a group on Facebook. A friend of mine – Helen, an Art teacher – was setting up a creative group for people to post their art work. It seemed a good way to help squash lockdown boredom and I had been fairly keen to start sketching again for quite a while. My daughter is a gifted artist as well, so I thought it would be nice to post some of her stuff. I could also involve the kids through Art lessons during home schooling. So off I went…
A couple of days later and having watched numerous people posting their artwork I had an idea for a literature version of the group. If people were avidly sharing their drawing and painting, surely I could get some to post poems and writing in my own group. After consulting my friend Laura about whether it was a good idea, I formed the group, invited a ton of friends and Lockdown Literature was born.
It had been a while since I’d written any poetry, but the group inspired me. It wasn’t long before I was being kept awake by ideas and lines from potential poems.
It was on the very afternoon that the group was formed, while pegging my washing out on the line in the sun, I found myself staring at the behemoth in my neighbour’s garden. Bigger, cleaner, tidier, better than mine. What I then wrote has no intellectual value whatsoever. There is no literary genius here or any great amount of thought. It’s not any kind of metaphor for anything else, just a poem about sheds and me feeling a bit jealous. The result of my envy – a silly, sarcastic and frankly daft poem – is below.
My Neighbour’s Shed
My neighbour’s shed has electric lighting.
It has those plastic boxes on the wall containing nails, screws, hooks and all manner of shediphanalia.
My shed is packed with football gear.
It’s a mess and makes me feel like a total shed failure.
My neighbour’s shed contains a high-viz jacket.
Placed neatly round he has a vice, a work bench, a grinder, a sander and drills, drills, drills aplenty.
My shed has some shelving full of spiders’ webs, grass seed, wild bird feed and a stain on the floor that’s a bit cementy.
My neighbour’s shed is a hive of activity – just like good sheds should be.
It’s been extended – by him, the smart arse – and it’s made safe by alarm led security.
My shed has bikes balanced on one wheel perilously, a lawn mower jammed underneath a Halfords roof box and it smells of whatever the opposite is of purity.
My neighbour’s shed is a lockdown dream. Clean, ordered and full of interesting tools. The biggest tool in my shed is undoubtedly me.
I hate my neighbour’s shed.
So, there you have it. My first poetry blog. I will post other poems and give people a little bit of insight into what I was thinking when I wrote them. I think I mainly write things that are supposed to be mildly amusing but some are actually quite serious! As for what I’ve just posted, I’d be interested to know what people think, so feel free to leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
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