Review – Page 3 – Middle Age Fanclub

Middle Aged Gigging: The Bluetones at the Brudenell Social Club in Leeds.

I’ve lived in Leeds now for well over 25 years and seen a lot of gigs in that time too. However, strangely, I’ve never been to the Brudenell which makes me feel a little bit sheepish about tonight’s gig. Almost like I’ve been cheating a bit in the way I’ve seen my local gigs!

Mixed in with that sheepishness though, there’s the usual excitement at seeing The Bluetones, so it’s all good as they say.

The Brudenell is literally just a big, traditional working men’s club, but over the years it’s gained a reputation as a fantastic venue hosting all manner of brilliant music, so naturally I’m looking forward to our visit. And I’m not disappointed because the atmosphere in the place is just great and we’re treated to a superb night.

Support tonight is provided by local Leeds band, The Loose Cut and it’s safe to say that they’re excited to be here too. I’ve seen them supporting The Bluetones before and they were good then, but tonight there’s definitely an extra edge to their set. Their sound lies somewhere on the heavier end of indie pop and there are loads of good tunes here tonight, starting with opener ‘Last All Night’ and carrying on through the set with the singalong of ‘Round and Around’ and the highlight of ‘Resist’.

The Loose Cut are really loud too. We’re right next to the stage and as well as the usual throbbing of the bass going through my body, I can even feel my jeans shivering. Definitely a band to check out, but maybe take a step back if you’re my age!

Ultimately though, we’re here to see The Bluetones, a band I’ve seen loads times before over the years. And that amount of gigs really matters as I know that I’m pretty much guaranteed a brilliant night full of great songs and a bit of in between songs entertainment as provided by lead singer and all round top fella, Mark Morriss. There will always be something slightly different with this brilliant band.

Tonight, the main difference is that the band have recently released their first new music in 14 years. It’ll be the first time I’ve heard it live and I’m interested to hear how it’ll sound even though I bought the EP when it came out last month. The band are usually pretty tight though and so I don’t think I’m in for any nasty surprises here.

The other difference comes with the lads’ on stage attire. Over the years, The Bluetones have worn tuxedos, dressed as scientists and done the encore in pyjamas and dressing gowns as well as various other looks. And tonight is no different…although actually different, if you know what I mean! Tonight the lads take to the stage in a combination of t-shirts from their own merch, jeans, white Converse and wait for it…blue sweatbands, which I have to say is an excellent touch. I mean, it’s hot under those lights and there’s none of us getting any younger!

Old favourites ‘Bluetonic’ and ‘Cut Some Rug’ start things off in brilliant fashion, with the already ‘on side’ packed house signing along in unison. It feels clear that the band are up for this and so are we.

The pace continues with ‘Fast Boy’ and the excellent ‘Down By The Reservoir’ before the band show some sympathy for the many middle aged limbs in the audience by playing a trio of slower songs in ‘Keep The Home Fires Burning’, ‘4 Day Weekend’ – in honour of Jesus, apparently – and then ‘Sleazy Bed Track’. Mark gives us a jokey dressing down during this section for not buying these singles when they were out. I resist the urge to tell him that I did, in fact buy them, for fear of looking like a bit of a tw*t though. I mean, you don’t want to look like that in front of your favourites, do you? I did buy them though…

Then, it’s time for us to be treated to our first live taste of new material as ‘Drive Thru’ makes an appearance. And it is a proper treat. Like anyone who’s waited 14 years to hear new songs, there’s the fear that the band might just not have it anymore. But we shouldn’t have worried, especially given this band’s track record. All of the new songs tonight sound fantastic and they’ll sit well alongside other live favourites, hopefully for years to come.

Before we know it we’re into the last three tracks of the night, although with a bit of a wink from Mark, we’re comforted by the fact that these won’t actually be the last songs of the night. We’re dropping the pretence after all these years and apparently there’ll be something called an encore…

It’s a race to the end of the set with ‘After Hours’ followed by ‘Slight Return’ and then ‘Never Going Nowhere’, coming as it does with its now traditional 80s pop medley. Tonight there’s ‘Obsession’ by Eurythmics, ‘Jump’ by Van Halen, ‘Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and The News (a personal high point!) and a remarkable stab at ‘Feel For You’ by Chaka Khan! Believe me, you’re not getting this type of entertainment elsewhere and nor are you getting the option of finishing a song in the style of a) The Bluetones or b) Elvis, which is another thing that happens tonight! It’s safe to say Mark, that if it all goes t*ts up, you could make a decent living as an Elvis impersonator. I mean, we saw one in Mallorca that was genuinely robbing a living, so the Balearics market is ripe for the picking!

The end of the night comes all too soon with said encore of new track ‘Madeline’ and the classic that is ‘If’, which is so highly anticipated apparently that some bloke behind me is literally effing and jeffing at the band to play at the top of his voice!

If I’m honest, I would’ve stayed for a good while longer listening to these lads tonight. The Bluetones really are an absolute joy and I’m sure even big sweary Dave (possibly not his real name) would agree, despite the minute or so delay in playing ‘If’!

Afterwards, we make a quick trip to the merch stall so I can grab a t-shirt and a new hat and then it’s time to head home. Once again, as with so many other times in the past, it’s just been a brilliant night. Mark, Scott, Adam, Eds and Richard; thanks for the gig and for putting another huge smile on my face! That said, if I could make a suggestion for next time…how about ‘Thank You For Being A Friend’ from The Golden Girls for that medley? Surely no one would grumble…not even big sweary Dave!

Until the next time; cheers lads!

Book Review: ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ by John Cooper Clarke

If you know of him, John Cooper Clarke comes under a number of aliases. The Poet Laureate of Punk, the Bard of Salford, the punk poet…he’s even sometimes referred to as Dr. John Cooper Clarke. If you don’t know of him, well it’s best you start with the viewpoint that the man is a star. A poet, a raconteur and an entertainer. And as we find out in ‘I Wanna Be Yours’, he can’t half tell a story!

As such, you’d expect his autobiography to be quite the read. And you wouldn’t be disappointed. Having read it recently in fact, I was actually pleasantly surprised at just how ‘eventful’ his life has been, as the book went way beyond my expectations. I thought I knew a few things about the man who’s considered a bit of a national treasure these days, but on reading the book I found that there are layers upon layers to this fella’s life story. What a treat!

Now aged 75, Cooper Clarke is best known as a poet, although in recent years he’s managed to light up several TV panel shows with his wit, humour and way with words. And it’s his gift for language that makes ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ so eminently readable. The sharp delivery meant that I read the whole thing hearing Cooper Clarke’s voice in my head, which for me made the whole thing all the more memorable.

The book takes us through his early years as a sickly child in Manchester where in fact, a dose of tuberculosis meant that he was moved to the North Wales coast to live with relatives in the hope that the sea air would aid his recovery. Once back in Manchester, we hear of a multitude of adventures as Cooper Clarke grows up and eventually begins to get into clothes and music, slowly honing the look for which he’d become famous in later life.

Eventually, with a bit of luck, a good deal of hard graft and not without one or two setbacks along the way, John finds that he has a gift for entertaining people. And so begins quite the extraordinary tale of a bit of a legend.

This is a brilliant book with any number of twists and turns, a whole host of bizarre and incredible tales and no shortage of surprises. So while I was fully aware of Cooper Clarke’s influence on bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, I certainly wasn’t expecting the likes of Bernard Manning to put in an appearance! And then as I carried on reading and found out about his close associations with the likes of Nico and Linton Kwesi Johnson, I was more than a little bit blown away! But that’s the thing about a life like Cooper Clarke’s and in turn this book; there’s never a page wasted, there’s always something curious or funny or just downright mindblowing around the corner.

A genuinely funny man, with a great turn of phrase, Cooper Clarke’s words will inevitably raise a smile and leave you in fits of laughter at times too. But for all of the light there are many moments of shade and the book – and John’s life – has sad moments too alongside many murky tales of Cooper Clarke’s own drug addictions. But even here, it’s all told with such candour and black humour that I found myself not really batting an eyelid and simply accepting that it had all added to the rich tapestry that I’d been reading about.

In the end, I was left wondering if at times, I’d been had. Surely there are more than a few tall tales and embellishments along the way in the book? However, on reflection I decided that either I didn’t really care – I mean wherever the truth lies, this was an amazing read – or more likely, it was all probably very much true. Because, whether it be looking after somebody’s monkey in Amsterdam and just ducking and diving while looking for your next fix of heroin, it could well have all happened to only one man; John Cooper Clarke.

Whether you know of his legend or not, this is a book I’d thoroughly recommend.

I give ‘I Wanna Be Yours’

Book Review: I Blame Morrissey by Jamie Jones

Music and sport can do funny things to a person. Those of us who take an interest in either or both can become unhinged, erratic, obsessive and just plain odd because of how they make us feel. In fact, if you’re a fan of both, you may well get to a certain age and look back in wonder, unable to fathom out some of your decisions, while simultaneously still believing that they were right all along. People won’t understand you and you won’t understand what there is to understand, but quietly you’ll be fully aware of just what a weirdo you probably are.

Jamie Jones is one such weirdo and ‘I Blame Morrissey’ is his attempt to explain his obsessions with music and to a lesser extent, football.

Jones grew up in the 90s – like me – and was obsessed by music and football – like me. However, while I made some ridiculous decisions while following bands and Newcastle United, I managed to allow life to get in the way and eventually grew into a reasonably well adjusted adult. Sort of. Jamie Jones – and I can’t disguise some kind of jealousy – got more and more obsessive until he was allowing his life to be dictated by song lyrics. And as crazy as that might sound to some of you, it all makes for some incredible stories.

‘I Blame Morrissey’ tells the tale of a young man growing up and trying to navigate the world around him while also dedicating himself to following music and Peterborough United. And for most of the time, music and Peterborough win out, meaning that relationships are doomed because of perceived messages in songs and important dates and occasions missed because Peterborough have a game in some meaningless competition. I mean, we’ve all been there, right? Right?

Jones’s teenage years were dominated by girls, Peterborough United and musicians like Billy Bragg. But like any good music fan his journey takes on various twists and turns, many of them familiar to me and most likely to some of you too. Thus, if you are of a certain age there will be something here for you; a memory to empathise with or the reminder of a song that brings it all flooding back. There are festivals from a time when it was the music that was the most important thing. There are tales of The Charlatans, Morrissey, Ride, the Britpop years, of loves lost and found and of any number of decisions made in the name of whatever the latest obsession happens to be. There’s even some Teenage Fanclub, which obviously resonated with the bloke who writes this blog.

There’s a lot of this book that I feel like I lived myself. A great deal of the rest of it buzzes with a familiarity and a nostalgia that I simply couldn’t get enough of. And for that reason, everything about the book was a joy for me; like stepping back in time.

If you grew up with posters on your bedroom walls that you sometimes talked to, if you ever bought items of clothing because your idols did, if you ever changed your walk or your body language just to be more like your heroes or if you ever endangered a friendship, relationship or even your own life just to go and see a band, then ‘I Blame Morrissey’ will be right up your street!

I give ‘I Blame Morrissey’…

Book Review: ‘Freak the Mighty’ by Rodman Philbrick

Max and Kevin shouldn’t get along. They’ve got nothing in common apart from being outsiders and neither seems to have the personality or simply the willingness to make a friend. In fact, they both seem to have a certain distaste for other people. They’re fine on their own, thank you very much. However, they’ve both got a level of curiosity too and it’s not long before they give in to it. And thank goodness they do.

Max is a loner by choice. Raised by his grandparents, he’s got a reputation with the other kids around school as being mean and prone to violent outbursts, earning him the cruel nickname Mad Max among others. But he’d known Kevin previously at nursery and been fascinated by his crooked legs and braces. So when years later Kevin moves back to town, an uneasy and unlikely friendship is quickly formed and Freak the Mighty is born.

Max (aka The Mighty) lives in his grandparent’s basement and rarely ventures out. He definitely doesn’t have friends around. But it isn’t long before Kevin (aka Freak) – back in the neighbourhood with his mum Gwen – is spending time there. And from this point on a beautiful friendship grows. Max protects Kevin and doesn’t judge him for the way he looks, while Kevin serves to educate Max and doesn’t judge him for the way he talks. It’s not long before adventure is calling.

‘Freak the Mighty’ is an amazing story. It’s actually aimed at Key Stage 3 kids, so ages 11-13, but I have no shame in saying that I loved every page. It was a book that was recommended on social media; the second one that I’ve picked up because a comedian said so! And what a recommendation it turned out to be! The book was also made into a 1998 film – The Mighty – starring Sharon Stone, Gillian Anderson, Harry Dean Stanton, James Gandolfini and Kieran Culkin and that too is well worth your time. But please read the book first! At under 200 pages it won’t take you long and it will make you smile!

At first, the friendship is mostly about childlike adventures. Kevin is carried round by Max on his shoulders, barking orders and encouragement in his ear as they investigate their neighbourhood. For a while, this is a good news story and the friendship feels indestructible. But then, a dark shadow from Max’s past re-enters his life and his world changes overnight.

It begins to seem very likely that Max will be lost to his grandparents. His life will be changed and for once, he won’t be able to force his way out of things. Mad Max seems sure to return. And this is where the beauty in Philbrick’s writing is. As a reader you’ll hate the transformation in Max, having witnessed first hand what friendship can do for even this most lost of lost boys. And now he’s about to become lost once more. However, there’s always a glimmer of light at the end of this particular tunnel. And it comes in the form of a ‘Freak’ named Kevin. Kevin uses every last measure of strength, cunning and intellect to come to the rescue, hatching a brilliant plan to come to the aid of his friend. So, just when it looked like they might be wrenched apart forever, Freak the Mighty are reunited. But can it last?

I would absolutely recommend you read Freak the Mighty. There are drug references and some violence, so be careful in who you share it with in terms of children. For the most part though it’s downright funny, while also being life affirming and then all of a sudden, desperately sad. At a basic level though, it’s just a great story with a lot to offer in terms of lessons in friendship and humanity.

Literature is full of unlikely friendships – George and Lennie in Of Mice and Men, Huck and Tom from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Bruno and Shmuel in The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas and they always make for good reading. Well Max and Kevin might well be one you’re yet to discover. I can only point you in the right direction; read Freak the Mighty!

I give Freak the Mighty…

Book Review: The Runner by Markus Torgeby.

As a young man, Markus Torgeby quickly grew disaffected by a lot of what the world around him had to offer. He knew that society’s expectations were not for him. Despite being a talented runner though, he sensed that pursuing this as any kind of career was not going to work. Too often, injury or just not being in the right mindset got in the way of any kind of competitive edge. As he says himself at the start of the book, “My head was full of dark thoughts. I didn’t know what to do. I had to rethink what it was I really wanted, I had to find a way out of that well.”

What Markus did next – which is documented in the book – seems both astonishing and really quite wonderful.

‘The Runner’ is an international best seller and tells the tale of one man and his quest to find contentment. In short, Torgeby headed up into the Swedish wilderness to live in a tent and dedicate himself to a more simple life, where money didn’t matter, but running most certainly did.

It’s an amazing true life tale, beginning in Jamtland, northern Sweden where the temperature is -22 and Markus is the only person for miles around. This is where he escapes the norms of society, pitching his tent and living among nature complete with enormous amounts of snow, elk and even the threat of bears.

As you’d imagine from the title, running is very much central to Torgeby’s existence. When he vows to run every day, he means it and nothing will stop him, be that extreme weather conditions, injury or mental health issues. Torgeby isn’t just testing his fitness – he’s pitting himself against both the most extreme elements and also just the odds.

Running is where Markus is at peace and I have to say that resonated with me, as I’m sure it would with many runners. The only difference would be – and it’s a seismic difference – that while the majority of us are running around the civilised, normal streets or trails near where we live, Markus Torgeby is running around in one of the most isolated, northernmost territories on the planet! There are threats to life almost with every step he takes. This is not the tale of an everyday runner, despite the fact that he runs every day!

‘The Runner’ is actually really well written and Torgeby rarely shies away from telling us exactly how he’s feeling or what he thinks of the world, even if it can be uncomfortable to read at times. His blunt honesty is one of the most positive features of the book and it’s hard not to be impressed by Torgeby’s principles and way of life.

And then there’s the sheer courage of it all. As someone who rarely takes much in the way of risks, ‘The Runner’ makes for an absolutely fascinating read. Torgeby leaves home to live his life his way when he’s barely much more than a child. And yet, his lifestyle choice is utterly remarkable, especially when you know that he is burdened by the thought of his mother’s suffering, back at home. She suffers with MS and some of the most beautiful passages in the book revolve around her relationship with her son, as he cares for her and helps to make sure that she is still able to experience the wonder of the world around her.

After four years of living in his tent in the wilderness, Markus begins to come to terms with the world around him and the contentment that follows – I won’t spoil what that consists of – gives us a bit of a happy ending.

Part of me felt jealous of Torgeby while reading the book and I questioned some of my early adult decisions in life. It’s funny how something like this can take us back and make us more self critical. Ultimately though, at the age when Markus left home for the wilderness I was probably barely able to cook for myself, let alone live in a tent in some of the most unforgiving territory on the planet, so I was able to give myself a break after all!

Whether you’re a runner, health freak, someone with an adventurous spirit or none of those things, this book is a great read. For me personally, it was interesting to see that I had things in common with the writer and that we shared such a love of running. Ultimately though, if you like an interesting take on life or just enjoy learning about some of the bolder ways to live, then you’ll enjoy this book.

I give ‘The Runner’ by Markus Torgeby

Book Review: The Ritual by Adam Nevill

If, like me, you’re about to meet up with a mate or two for a bit of a reunion maybe you shouldn’t read The Ritual just yet. Especially so, if you’re off on some kind of outdoor pursuit. You might get a little bit put off! Once you’re done though, I’d definitely recommend it.

The Ritual follows four university friends who, since graduation, have vowed to keep in touch by meeting up at least once a year to have some kind of break. This year, Luke, Phil, Dom and Hutch have decided to head into the Arctic Circle for a bit of an adventure. Because, when you’re approaching middle age and fancy a bit of a change, the unforgiving conditions of northern most Sweden are the first things to spring to mind! Like the tagline says, they should have gone to Vegas!

While the premise of the novel – which was also made into a 2017 film starring Rafe Spall – might suggest some kind of farcical comedy, it’s not long at all before nobody’s laughing. The weather is far worse than the friends had prepared for and within 24 hours everyone is soaked to the skin and it doesn’t feel like they’ll ever dry out. And this being the Arctic Circle, it’s beyond cold too. Throw in the fact that two of the group are what we might politely call ‘past their best’ fitness wise and this is really not the fun reunion that they’d planned. But then, deciding that a short cut is the best option, they get lost.

In theory, I’m a big fan of exploring the wilderness. I dream of trekking through isolated far off places and striding into the unknown, exploring landscapes that I’ve only ever seen on the television before. In reality though, I’d be pretty rubbish at it. We once encountered a rattlesnake in the Grand Canyon and I was beyond terrified! So, I can fully sympathise with the friends in the book and the injuries & lack of preparation that hinder their progress. I can’t begin to imagine the horrors that they’re about to face though.

Once they get lost they take more wrong turns and encounter a couple of eerie places that suggest that the forest not only has a dark history, but also that it may well be harbouring the kind of predator that no one wants to encounter. Have they been being watched all this time?

The Ritual sets out to scare us. And in parts, it succeeds brilliantly. As the predator hunts them down I could almost feel its presence. What it actually is remains a mystery as Nevill restricts his characters and us, the reader to glimpses in the dark and the frightened, snatched reports of those that have had some kind of mysterious encounter. And what’s more scary than the thing that you can’t even see, but just know is there?

When the friends are at their weakest, it strikes, deepening the fear for everyone concerned and as a reader you’re left trying to work out exactly what’s happening, but also if anyone will actually manage to survive. Gaining only glimpses and hints of the predator’s presence leaves us as confused as this gang of friends, but undoubtedly adds to the tension and horror that Nevill is trying to create.

Throughout their journey through this dense forest we learn snippets about pagan sacrifice and old Scandinavian culture – two of the gang have done their research – and as a reader yo begin to get the feeling that what is stalking the men is more than something as straightforward as say a pack of wolves or some kind of bear. And so, the story becomes more than just a horror piece, but also a historical piece too where we learn snippets about a place, history and culture that aside from stereotypes based around nudity and IKEA, we probably don’t know a great deal about.

I was fascinated to read about the fact that large parts of the landscape where the characters trekked would have been untouched by humans for hundreds of years. But then, when you think about it and how far north on the planet it is, this stands to reason. It adds to the feeling that ‘they should have gone to Vegas’ though!

The Ritual becomes more than a tale of four friends being hunted by a predator in a remote landscape with a brilliant, yet slightly absurd twist near the end. I can’t ruin it for you, but what seems like a rescue turns bad very quickly sit and it turns out that a sacrifice will be made. And it’s from as unlikely a source as you could imagine.

Nevill writes brilliantly, subtly building tension, throwing in more problems when we least expect them and also when the friends could very much do without them while presenting us with a group of characters that are both relatable and realistic. This is much more than just a thriller.

If you like thrillers, horror or a bit of a mystery, The Ritual might be the kind of book for you. I’d certainly recommend it! I’d give The Ritual…

The Apprentice Episode 4: Buying jerseys in Jersey.

I’ve always fancied visiting Jersey. Something about it seems a bit of a cut above and because it’s a channel island I feel like it has it’s own balmy micro-climate. Lovely beaches, stunning scenery, ancient castles and what feels like a wonderful, relaxed lifestyle; it’s always just felt like somewhere I’d love to sample and yet never gotten round to getting to. I’m sure lots of people share this view.

Imagine if you will then, that you finally short haul yourself there and are just taking in the mid morning air when up screeches a couple of ominous black people carriers to spit out the kaleidoscope of colour and braying nonsense that is a a load of Apprentice candidates.

They stomp across to you and shout a question in your face, something like, “Hi, we’re new to Jersey and oh, it’s so beautiful. We were wondering, do you know what a potato is?” And in those few, brief moments your Jersey dream is well and truly shattered.

That’s right. Tonight’s episode was what I like to refer to as the ‘buying tat’ one where the remaining buffoons are sent to somewhere lovely to buy stuff, with the sub text being a day or so of bad manners, condescension and chaos. Jersey may well be still recovering from the trauma.

To cut to the chase, we join the candidates as they’re perusing the list of items. Jack and Raj are tonight’s PMs and as ever, if it was a masterclass in leadership you were after you’d be better off doing some channel hopping of a different kind and heading for Cartoon Network.

Without fail, this task always highlights the lack of knowledge of ‘stuff’ among the candidates. No one seems to be able to say ‘shuck’ let alone work out what it’s got to do with an oyster. Instead the tactic seems to be to just repeat the word, incorrectly while occasionally spelling it out. Because we all know that generally helps.

Within minutes, Jack is displaying all the leadership qualities of a third world dictator as he delegates the items between his team and the sub team, giving everything he can’t spell, define or pronounce to Amina’s side of the team. Don’t quote me on this, but I think his team left themselves with a pen, a button and a lettuce to buy.

Speaking of Jack and negotiation, in his pre-task talk he manages to take things to a new low, demanding that his team start any negotiation by demanding 75% off the price quoted. On a show where shame and humility are often in very short supply, this is nothing short of shocking and his team give a collective gulp and probably decide there and then to just pretend it never happened.

As both teams race around the island not only do I imagine holiday bookings are taking a hit, but I’m struck by two things. Last week, I realised that there were several candidates that I couldn’t name. This week, it hits me that I don’t think I actually like any of them and while that could change, I’m a bit perturbed by it. Why am I even watching? The other realisation is that Steve, who seems to have come dressed as a low budget Miami Vice tribute act, doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all apart from running around and smiling awkwardly. Sure, he gets in on a negotiation later on in the episode, but it’s the kind of bartering I feel even I could manage.

Next up in negotiation masterclass is project manager Jack, who you’ll remember wanted 75% off everything. His tactic is to talk to the client like she’s 11, tell her how beautiful Jersey is and – here’s the good bit that us mere mortals wouldn’t think of – repeatedly saying “oh wow”. Bizarrely though, it works and he gets the same brandy as the other team with double the discount; nowhere near his 75%, but still…oh wow. It’s the kind of tactic that has me planning a visit to Greggs this weekend where I’ll take my wife, kids and a camcorder, fawn all over the assistant while slipping in some “oh wows” and hope to leave with three sausage, bean and cheese melts, a vegan sausage roll and a steak bake and still have change from a quid. Inspirational stuff, Jack…

In a different part of the island, Jack’s sub team are wrestling with a number of difficult tasks. Not the actual items that need purchasing though, more stuff like which direction they’re headed in and where they might actually be on the map. The answer it seems is “around here somewhere”.

I’ve always thought that a market would be a great place to source items for this task. There’s a diverse range of products all in one place and the traders probably aren’t averse to a bit of bartering. Amina’s sub team have the same thought, but their plan crumbles when they forget to look at what’s on sale and just run around the market aimlessly. Karen, who is shadowing them can’t help but pull the usual unimpressed face – you know the one; like she’s just walked through someone else’s fart – as she passes a basket of potatoes and a jumper with an anchor on it, both of which are easy wins from the list!

The funny thing about this is that both teams fail to buy potatoes. Potatoes! In the boardroom, they’re both fined £90 for failing to buy some Jersey royals while wandering around Jersey, the home of Jersey royals. Oh dear.

Later, the same three individuals are clearly running out of time in which they might locate some elusive potatoes or even a jumper with an anchor on it. So they must come up with a plan. The time saving result? Pull over and have a bit of a think. Yep, that’ll make time stand still for a bit.

The task ends in the usual way, with both teams legging it to the meeting point in order to be on time. Sadly, the pulling over trick hasn’t worked, time hasn’t actually stood still and Jack is reduced to giving Amina a running piggy back up the causeway. They’re still late, but the rest of the team cheer like kids at a toddlers birthday anyway, because ultimately no one has the faintest idea what they’re doing.

In the boardroom, Lord Sugar can’t resist a little bit of Carry On style smut after one of the candidates had been asked to help with some glass blowing in order to get a discount on a product. Thankfully, with a nudge and a wink, we move on.

In no time at all, the ridiculously predictable happens. Jack’s team suffers a heavy defeat. And then a meltdown.

Some of the quotes that accompany the defeat tell their own story. “One of the worst results ever in this task”, “Pretty much the worst team that I ever had on this” and “Amateur”. As a viewer it’s nothing short of hilarious. In the boardroom, it must be terrifying. But then don’t claim to be the world’s greatest business person on your CV if you are in fact “amateur”!

In the end it’s almost irrelevant who leaves. The story is that Lord Sugar changes his mind and brings every member of the team back into the boardroom. The result? A quickfire double sacking and we wave goodbye to both Jack and Amina, which is the only fair result. The only question I’m left with isn’t about those two. It’s about Karen. Why does she so often feel the need to say “I gotta tell you” before telling us stuff?

Tonight, following yet more large scale ineptitude we’re left to mull over another line from Lord Sugar, who tells us, “You know what? I’m not happy.” Not happy? With two teams of grown ups that can’t find a potato? Why ever not?

Middle Age Gigging: Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds at Leeds First Direct Arena.

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I sometimes get to thinking that there have been times when I’ve had very little to feel lucky about. Growing up in the North of England I watched heavy industry being torn apart, mass unemployment, a decidedly average football team and all things Margaret Thatcher for around about the first 20 years of my life. It all felt a bit rubbish, to be honest!

However, there was always music, even if that invariably meant mining the past to listen to more of bands like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. And then, in the mid to late 80s came The Smiths and The Stone Roses amongst other followed in the early 90s, by Oasis. They were right up my street, I was the right age and thanks to the fact that attended a university in the north west, I was in the right place too. Sadly, all good things come to and end and thus the brothers Gallagher eventually went their separate ways, Liam forming Beady Eye and Noel bringing together his High Flying Birds. They would leave a legacy of incredible music and a lifetime’s worth of memories though.

Oasis and the Gallaghers have been a huge part of my musical life ever since and so tonight, despite the time of year and another hard day at work, I’m tingling with excitement at the prospect of watching Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds at Leeds Arena.

The band/Noel have an album to promote, June’s ‘Council Skies’, and have been on tour worldwide for months. We last saw them in Leeds 7 or 8 years ago, so tonight is highly anticipated and walking through the city on the way to the venue the atmosphere gets better the closer we get. There’s a definite buzz, which although is probably partly due to Christmas, intensifies as we near the venue and by the time we take our seats with around half an hour until stage time you can sense that everyone feels exactly the same. Everyone is up for this!

As a middle age gig goer it’s quite comforting to see the age profile of the crowd. In short, there are plenty here around my age and plenty more who look decidedly older. And I have to do more than a few double takes at the amount of families who’ve turned up. Who know that so many teenagers love a bit of Noel?!

With what must be 5 minutes still to go until stage time the lights dim and we’re greeted with a kind of white noise. The screen behind the stage is fuzzy, but as the noise intensifies the blur clears and five minutes later with a backdrop that now reads ‘Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds’ the band amble onstage to a heroes’ welcome.

Opener ‘Pretty Boy’ is a personal favourite from the new album, so I’m immediately onside. It’s a blinding version too. Next up is ‘Council Skies’ followed by the brilliant ‘Open The Door, See What You Find’ and three tracks in – all from the new album – the Leeds Arena is rocking!

It’s only at this point that Noel finally speaks, finding just enough time to remind us that he’s a Man City fan (I mean, you would, wouldn’t you?!) and say good evening to Leeds before the band launch headlong into another couple of tracks from the new album, ‘Council Skies’ in ‘We’re Gonna Get There In The End’ and ‘Easy Now’, both of which are excellent. Being notoriously bad with even the lyrics of songs that I’ve been listening to for years, I’ve bumbled my way through this section by joining in with most of the choruses and the odd line here and there, but I’m still having a brilliant time. Noel has just always had a happy knack of being able to churn out amazing tunes. Furthermore, this being an arena gig, we’re sitting down meaning that the middle age knees are having a much needed rest!

The High Flying Birds then raid their back catalogue with five older songs, featuring classics ‘In The Heat of The Moment’, ‘If I Had a Gun’ and a raucous ‘AKA…What a Life!’ before most of the band leave the stage while Noel and long time keyboard player Mike Rowe perform a beautiful version of ‘Dead in The Water’.

Having earlier promised us a “trip back to the 90s” Noel and the band now head further into his back catalogue. It’s time for some Oasis tunes!

Starting with the beautiful ‘Going Nowhere’ we’re then treated to ‘The Importance of Being Idle’, the always amazing ‘The Masterplan’ and ‘Half The World Away’ before the set closes with a superbly noisy and spirited version of ‘Little by Little’.

Undoubtedly, at least three quarters of tonight’s crowd were there in the 90s with Oasis and so, despite the creaking knees, the greying hair and the almost permanent aching back – I’m throwing everyone in with my own symptoms here – hearing those songs live again is quite the experience and as much as we love Noel’s newer stuff, the Oasis tunes will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Within minutes of leaving the stage, the band are back for the encore. Noel, who’s gotten more chatty as the gig has gone on, jokes about the next song; we’ll all know the chorus but only him and Bob Dylan know the verses! He might be right too and as he plays a cover of Dylan’s ‘Quinn The Eskimo’ I’m transported back to the late 80s and chanting the chorus on the terraces at Newcastle United in homage to our number 9, the goal machine Micky Quinn!

Next up is ‘Live Forever’ and more special memories. It’s a stunning version of the song and as it’s one I used to sing to my wife in the early days of our relationship, I’ll confess to a little bit of a tear. I hope Noel would understand! And of course, this is a huge part of the point of tonight for a lot of us. We’re rolling back the years, loving every moment of the hour and a half that we get to spend with one of our musical heroes and remembering what were special times when we were a lot younger. And the man in front of us played a big part in changing the landscape of music.

Tonight ends with the stone cold classic that is ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’. Everyone is up out of their seats and those standing at the front of the arena are now just a swaying mass of bodies all hands held aloft and no doubt singing back every word at the top of their voices. It’s the same all around the arena. It’s been a staggeringly good gig. The band are just superb and Noel has been on top form.

By the end, I’m knackered but blissfully happy as only the opportunity to hear a bunch of songs that mean so much can make you. Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds have been perfect and I’m pretty sure that every last one of us would agree. Noel, if you ever get to read this, thanks for another brilliant night…and thanks for the memories. May we all keep making them for a good few years yet!

Middle Aged Gigging – ‘Embrace’ at Leeds O2 Academy…on a school night!

I’m quite sure that nothing can make you feel older or more middle aged than a night out. Not a party with friends or meeting people you know for whatever it might be; no, a night out. In public, with people that you have little or no knowledge of beforehand. Going to a gig is a prime example of this. Thursday night at Embrace was no different for a couple of reasons!

As is now usual, we get to the Leeds Academy early. Having had heart surgery last year, the barrier offers protection for this paranoid old fella, so it’s become our home from home at gigs. However, beyond the comfort, you can never resist a look round and tonight when I do, I’m greeted by a very definite feeling that the usually familiar middle aged audience at an Embrace gig has been infiltrated by…youth! Not even a smattering. Tribes of the buggers, pockets of them everywhere you turn. As I said, there’s nothing that can match their power in making you feel old. And it’s not long before it gets worse.

Within minutes support band The Slates take to the stage. Immediately I’m thinking, ‘I could be all of your dads’. They’re sooo young! And yet, from the first chords of the opener tonight, I’m nothing but impressed. The energy is brilliant and you can’t help but root for these lads. The sight of them does remind me that I have to teach my Year 10s first thing in the morning though. Regardless, their set just makes me smile. Stand out tracks would be ‘What Have You Done?’ and ‘Hello, don’t you know’?, but in truth it’s all impressive from The Slates who look and sound like a band with a bright future ahead of them, even if they do make me feel ancient.

There’s a hint of early Arctic Monkeys in there and you can hear the Britpop, but there’s also some ska at times, which given their age and the era of music that they must have grown up with, brings to mind the influence of The Ordinary Boys. Whatever their influences, it doesn’t really matter. The Slates are excellent tonight and they throw themselves into this gig, clearly enjoying their moment. Subsequently, it’s infectious and I’m sure that they’ll leave with more than a few more fans tonight. I’ll definitely be searching out their music.

After a quick shuffle around of equipment on stage it’s time for another support act; Tom Speight. The energy is certainly no less, but it’s different. Tom Speight is, as the name suggests, a solo artist, although he is backed by another singer, a girl who I think he called Hedara who had a great voice (apologies though if I’ve got the name wrong). His music is kind of folky and there’s more than a nod to the pop of the likes of Turin Brakes and maybe even Starsailor.

Speight’s set is energetic and he makes an immediate impact on the crowd. He does a remarkable job of ‘filling’ the room with his sound, given that this is just two voices and a guitar. Both voices though, are strong and emotive and they work really well together. It’s not long before we’re tapping and nodding along and later, with a little bit of persuasion we’re singing along too. Songs like ‘Wonderful Wonder’ and ‘Everything’s Waiting For You’ go down really well and by the time the set ends, we’ve been teed up nicely for the return of Embrace.

Tonight Embrace are performing their album ‘The Good Will Out’ in full as part of its 25th Anniversary celebrations. Suddenly, my age isn’t an issue! I fell in love with these songs and this band a long, long time ago so it’s safe to say that I’m excited to be right at the front for the gig. It’s also a year to the day since I had heart surgery, so it’s a lovely way to celebrate getting through what’s been a tough year.

There’s a hero’s welcome for the band when they take the stage and it’s not long before they’ve launched into opener ‘All You Good Good People’. The pace is set and it’s just going to be our job to keep up now. But it won’t be a problem. I can’t hold back a huge smile at the first line, ‘I feel like I’m meant something’ and as if I needed a reminder on this day of all days, it’s good to be alive. It feels like the whole room is taking off with everyone singing every lyric and as is always the case with Embrace, it’s a joy to be here.

By the time we’ve reached one of my all time favourite songs, ‘One Big Family’, the atmosphere is electric. It’s always great to see a band on home turf as the atmosphere is generally special. Tonight is no exception. By the end of the track I’m well and truly out of breath and realise that I’d been more or less screaming the lyrics back at the band, so if you were at the front and near a skinny bloke in a black t-shirt with a white beard, I can only apologise. Mind you, I’ll only have to do it again, because I was probably even screechier during ‘Retread’.

Discussing the gig on our way back to the car afterwards we talked about the emotion of seeing Embrace and the fact that it feels like a happening rather than simply entertainment. It’s what I imagine being in church feels like when there’s a gospel choir, simply because I feel like I’m almost lifted up and carried along by the band and the songs. There’s no doubt that the chief protagonist in all of this is singer Danny, who never fails to get the crowd going and he’s on good form tonight and clearly enjoying himself, even encouraging us – even the old folk – to dance during some of the songs. I tried Danny, I tried…

Obviously, given my attachment to the songs, I’d say that the whole album is done wonderfully tonight. But for me, the middle section of tracks ‘I Want The World’, ‘You’ve Got To Say Yes’ ‘Retread’ and ‘Last Gas’ is absolutely blistering.

As we end the set with the ‘la la la la’ singalong that is ‘The Good Will Out’ it’s clear that everyone’s had a wonderful night. As ever, I’m left wondering just how long an Embrace crowd would willingly do the ‘la la las’ for if we were just left to it. Hours, I’d wager. Brilliantly though (and sadly, if you love a ‘la la la’), with a ‘greatest hits’ style encore to come, it’s not quite done.

There are five songs on the encore tonight. ‘We Are It’, ‘Refugees’, ‘Dry Kids’ ‘Gravity’ and ‘Ashes’ – all are amazing. Dry Kids makes a welcome return and Gravity – the first dance at our wedding – has me tearing up as usual (middle age can be a funny old thing, kids). Before them though is Refugees which is just incredible and Richard’s vocals are simply superb. I’m a little bit spellbound by Mike’s drumming on this track too and I’m absolutely knackered by the end of it, which is unfortunate because as we all know, we’re ending with live favourite Ashes.

When it comes, I think we all summon up a last little bit of energy and there are people pogoing everywhere you look. As ever, ‘Ashes’ feels like an event in itself and I think I might have run out of superlatives at this point. Suffice to say, that it’s just another moment where I’m thankful to be here because as tired as I feel, it’s nothing short of a pleasure to be able to completely lose myself in what is an absolute tune.

It’s been a brilliant night, again. Twenty five years of ‘The Good Will Out’ and a little bit more than that of watching Embrace live. We’re off to bed late on a school night, but I’m sure my Year 10s will understand!

Middle Age Gigging – The Bluetones at The Foundry, Sheffield.

If you got into live music in your teens and like me, are still going in your middle age, you’ll most likely know that things have changed a bit. You might well still go for pre-gig drinks, but it’ll likely be a more genteel affair, rather than one of the all day races you may have indulged in when you were younger and more carefree. Nowadays, you might even have childcare to take care of too.

However, the biggest change may well be in your mental and physical approach. Simple things like, can you be bothered to get out of your chair and leave the telly and will your aching back survive a night of shuffling along to some indie pop classics?

Saturday afternoon found me running through the usual things prior to some middle age gigging with The Bluetones. First, there was the battle to not talk myself out of going, which I must say was fairly easily won this time round. Then came the physical checklist, which as is par for the course nowadays, featured more crosses than ticks.

How’s my heart feeling? Not too bad, considering. Is my back ok? Erm, not really after the exertion of pushing that trolley round Asda this morning. What about the knees? Like Annie Wilkes from ‘Misery’ has been tending to them. Your eyes? Somewhat squinty, but as long as they don’t show a PowerPoint, I’ll get by.

In truth though, nothing was going to keep us in the house tonight as we have an appointment with long time faves The Bluetones who are touring their 1998 album ‘Return To The Last Chance Saloon’, so despite flood warnings, we’re heading to Sheffield.

Once there and parked up I’m given a timely reminder of my age – like when I look in a mirror, but slightly less painful – as my dodgy knee means that I struggle to climb the stairs in the car park! An instant decision is made that tonight will be spent at shuffling pace only!

Thankfully, we make it to the venue just after doors open and at my wife’s insistence we’re lucky enough to find ourselves some space on the barrier right at the front, so at least I’ve got something to hold on to!

It’s an early stage time tonight, so it doesn’t feel like we’ve been hanging around too long before support The Loose Cut take to the stage. I always find it tricky when reviewing support bands that I’ve no knowledge of because I worry that I’ll make some sort of insulting comparison, as I’m usually watching them and wondering who they might remind me of. For me though, The Loose Cut inhabit the border between indie pop and indie rock and during their six song set I hear the influence of people like Pearl Jam and early Kings of Leon as well as some 80s stuff like Hall and Oates, which is never a bad thing.

The Loose Cut give us an enjoyable set and manage to get the audience on side with their sheer enthusiasm and also a bit of crowd participation. Channeling his inner Freddie Mercury – minus the stupid noises – singer George guides us through the lyrics to the chorus of their song ‘Round and Round’ so that we can all sing along. And it works, as the crowd join in enthusiastically and everyone is smiling.

Aside from the songs, two other things stand out to me about The Loose Cut. Firstly, there’s the lookalike factor, which takes up far too much of my attention for the first couple of songs. Singer George – and apologies here if I begin to sound like Louis Walsh – has the look of a young Bryan Adams crossed with a youthful Sting, while drummer Manni is a ringer for the young John Peel. Add to that some truly splendid rock posturing and face pulling and for this short set, there’s a lot to write home about. The Loose Cut are definitely ones to keep an eye on.

But we’re here for The Bluetones and thankfully, it’s not too long before they take the stage with only Adam, Scott, Eds and Richard present for opener ‘Tone Blooze’. Mark is clearly saving himself for a bit later…and maybe making hasty last minute adjustments to his cummerbund. More of this slightly later.

It’s a high energy start to the gig with ‘Unpainted Arizona’ followed a brilliant ‘Solomon Bites the Worm’, getting the crowd singing along loudly. The high energy start though takes a noticeable casualty as Mark suffers a cummerbund malfunction. Ever the pro though, he soldiers on, probably safe in the knowledge that his dancing spats will keep our attention! By this point, one of my knees is already numb, but that’s a side issue now; I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, just like everyone else in the room. I’ll block out thoughts of car park stairs and worry about it later!

The band are resplendent in what can only be labelled 70s American Prom chic, with ruffled shirts and tuxedos, bow ties and even the odd pair of braces and I for one feel like I should have made a greater effort than black t-shirt and jeans.

Mark is his usual self in between songs; full of chat and with a gift for a one liner, telling us about how much playing the album will take out of them. I’m close enough to have a chat and wonder if he can empathise with my knee/car park story, but wisely decide against it as the band launch into ‘U.T.A’ and ‘Four Day Weekend’, or tracks 4 and 5 of the cassette as Mark calls them.

‘If’ is a highlight of the set and an undoubted crowd favourite and I manage to shuffle with just a little bit more freedom for this one. Turns out though that I’m not the only one thankful for the tamer pacing of ‘Sky Will Fall’ (one of my favourites) a little later as Mark reminds us of the pace of this album – “Side 2…a f***ing nightmare!” – and is more than pleased at the chance to slow things down a bit.

After this though we fly through to the end of the album taking in the brilliant ‘Down at the Reservoir’ and ‘Heard You Were Dead’ before a bit of a poignant moment as ‘Broken Starr’ is dedicated to a long time fan. It’s another huge sing along and a lovely tribute with Mark blowing kisses as he leaves the stage, but as we all know, we’re not quite finished yet.

The encore tonight is a mini greatest hits style one and it’s fantastic. At the best of times, The Bluetones songs make me feel extremely happy, but tonight is extra special.

The usual suspects are here, with this ‘set’ starting with ‘After Hours’ and going through ‘Bluetonic’, everyone’s mum’s favourite ‘Slight Return’, ‘Marblehead Johnson’ and a cover of Squeeze’s ‘Pulling Mussels’. But then the fun really starts as, with the band playing loosely as Mark has a bit more of a chat with the audience, he gets an idea. And a new song is born. Only those of us in the Foundry on Saturday night will ever know of ‘Sheffield Song’ as I think I can confidently predict that it’s never going to appear anywhere in the wider musical world; not even on one of Mark’s favourite cassettes!

The night ends with a blistering version of ‘Never Going Nowhere’ which takes an 80s diversion by including snippets of ‘Obsession’ by Eurythmics for a while in time honoured fashion, before wandering off deeper into Mark’s imagination with lines from ‘Jump’ by Van Halen, ‘The Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and The News, ‘Blue Monday’ and, I think, ‘Driving Away From Home’ by It’s Immaterial (and you can correct me if I’m wrong on this one as I couldn’t quite place it on the night). Find me another band that will give you that and I’ll happily call you a great big fibber!

It’s been a brilliant night, as it always is with The Bluetones. My feet hurt and I don’t know if my knees will allow me to get to my car and my wife’s only small, so someone else may have to carry me up the stairs, but I’ve got a smile on my face. A quick look around shows me that I’m not alone either. With news of potential new music next year, it’s a great time to be a Bluetones fan…even if age is catching up with us all!

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