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The Wakefield 10k 2026

As anyone who reads my stuff on a regular basis knows, I love running. It’s something that I’ve done on and off since childhood, but when I had the first of my heart operations 7 years ago it was something I started to take more seriously again. Having my pacemaker fitted 3 years ago then really focused me; I needed to be as fit as possible.

Last Sunday marked my latest 10k race, the Wakefield 10k. This was my third entry and I was pretty much raring to go.

It’s felt like my training has been blighted by injury and illness for more or less the last year or so. I haven’t ever felt very fit and when a race has come around I’ve either went into it having not ran the full distance in training or having only managed a smattering of training sessions.

For my latest Wakefield adventure though I’d had 7 weeks of decent training and despite a cold a couple of weeks ago, had just been getting on with things. Still, I wasn’t exactly raring to go, but I was optimistic of posting a decent time. The weather also went my way too; hardly any wind and it was quite warm too. So everything was just about in place for a good run!

I really enjoy doing the Wakefield 10k. It’s an undulating course and therefore fairly challenging, but it suits me in a way as there are loads of hills where I train. So as much as I complain about having to run up hills all of the time, it means that at least races with hills come as no great surprise. It doesn’t stop me grumbling though!

There are also always plenty of spectators out along the route and they’re always really supportive, which can give you a timely boost just when one was needed. It’s funny how I would consider myself a bit grumpy at times and not really one to join in too much forced fun, yet get me in a race and I’m high fiving kids and pressing their ‘Power Up’ signs left, right and centre! I guess it’s just all part of the experience. I mean, it can’t all be about ending up with a body that aches for days after, but knowing that you at least earned a new t-shirt or a medal!

In the end, I didn’t quite get the time I wanted. I thought I was running well and was keeping an eye on my watch, but on reflection probably went out a little quicker than I should have which meant I suffered a bit in the last two miles. So my 55 minutes wasn’t quite what I wanted. I saw my wife and son in the final stretch of road before the finishing straight and instinctively sped up, but I was shattered!

To add to my problems, they’d moved the finish line back a bit, meaning that when I kicked and started to sprint for the line…it wasn’t there! Well, it was but just further away than it had been before, so that as I turned the corner into what I thought was about another 100 yards or so, it was about double that and my tired legs did not respond well. I managed to steel myself enough to keep up a decent pace, but had let two or three people pass me in my confusion. Never mind!

Such was my effort that I was convinced I was going to be sick as I crossed the line and it was just a case of keeping moving, finding a space and pulling myself together a bit. Luckily, I wasn’t sick!

New t-shirt collected and a bottle of water in my hand it was time to do the usual thing of worrying about meeting up with the family. The layout of the finishing area had changed a bit and I wasn’t sure they’d be able to find me, but just when I was wondering how long they’d be, they appeared. A few minutes later I bumped into a former student – who I’d also met at the same event last year – so that made for a lovely end to my morning’s running. And if running a 10k isn’t reminder enough of your age, meeting an ex student from what must be 15 years ago, with their toddler will really emphasise this!

My next 10k is in Pontefract in May and it’s another hilly one. With that in mind I’m going to try concentrating on some strength work in among my running, as my skinny little legs really aren’t built for hills! And I’ve already signed up for next year’s Wakefield 10k with the goal of being in better shape than I have been in the last 3 years or so and getting a personal best. Even at my age it’s nice to set some ambitious goals!

NUFC: A time for heroes.

So Wednesday night came and went with a result that we couldn’t really argue with. Sure, the scoreline was painful and we’d competed well for three quarters of the tie. But I think we all knew – however deep down – that Barcelona away would spell the end of another European adventure.

As I write I’m not sure I’ve really fully recovered. It’s still bizarre to look at and there’s still a sense of disbelief about what happened. But a couple of days of reflection has told me that there was still stuff to be pleased about.

We had some more truly great European nights making the most progress we’ve ever made in the Champions League in the process. We matched the current Champions League holders – yawn, again – and despite the result, matched Barcelona for much of the tie. And when push comes to shove, we only lost 3 of 12 games. We’ll have learnt a huge amount from those 12 games and younger lads like Lewis Hall, Malick Thiaw, Lewis Miley and others will be better players for that experience. But the dust has to settle now.

As it stands, we’re about to launch ourselves into an eight game mini season, starting with the sister lovers down the road at home on Sunday. Six of the teams that we’ll play currently sit outside of the top 10, meaning that there are some very winnable games to come. Could there be a final fantastic twist in the season still to come?

Obviously though Sunday is huge. Whatever the status of either team, when we meet it’s always huge. And we really owe them one after the game in December. It wasn’t any kind of stylish win for them, just more the fact that we thoroughly let ourselves down. We just didn’t turn up and that cannot be the case on Sunday.

It would be great if all of the usual talk had some substance for once. Over the years I’ve gotten sick of hearing Newcastle players giving it the big one before big games and talking in cliches and soundbites about how ready we are and what we’re going to do. I’d hoped that the Carabao Cup final had put an end to any big game mentality issues. All I want on Sunday is that we turn up and are aggressive and absolutely on the front foot. Take the game to them, make sure there’s nowhere to hide and not a second to dwell on the ball and make sure that class tells in the end. We shouldn’t be giving an inch at St. James’.

Sunday isn’t about bragging rights or being ‘north east top dogs.’ Yes, it’s about pride, but it’s much more than that. Win and we kick start the season…again. Lose and the pressure’s on and frankly it’s a disaster. A win would make be psychologically massive as we attempt to climb the table, but because it’s them, it would undoubtedly do wonders for the club at this time. You might even argue that it sets up a feelgood factor going into next season too because a loss means that we’re starting from scratch when the same game comes around next year.

Every aspect is important, starting with the crowd. We have to make the atmosphere horrible, no excuses. Their lot need to be at the very least unnerved, while our lads need to be inspired. Win our battles, keep the ball, play fast and play 100% focused. If we’re being outbattled and outthought by Dan Bellend and Granit Xhaka then maybe a few need to be giving up. Given what’s just happened and what’s to come, we cannot lose. We just have to win.

Just this morning I watched a video of the highlights of the derby win on New Year’s Day, 1985. One of the first I can remember being at. We were superb that day, dominating, winning convincingly and seeing two mackems sent off for their headloss. We could do with seeing that spirit and that dominance this again weekend. A Peter Beardsley hat-trick wouldn’t go amiss either, but there’s no hope there! Perhaps Nick Woltemade is in the mood for revenge?

It’s crucial that we use all of the big game experience gained over the last four years, take the game to them and channel that aggression in order to keep eleven on the field. I for one couldn’t stand to see another referee ruin a game this season! And I couldn’t stand their lot and the media reminding us for another season of how long it is since we beat them in the league!

Last season, when the club needed a hero, eleven of them stepped up and left Wembley as “f***ing legends” to quote our captain. A year on and we need them to step up again, starting on Sunday and then carrying on for the seven games after. So let’s be positive about Sunday and then the rest of the season. We can only look up, in my opinion. No half measures, no mistakes, no excuses.

We’re Newcastle United. Howay the lads!

Magpie Moments Episode 7

Welcome to another edition of Magpie Moments. I’d like to think that this edition encapsulates the feeling that Newcastle United can be a very different kind of club. It’s not just glory and despair; no, we do a great line in the downright bizarre as well. But, we’ll start with a lovely goal just to remember that we are actually capable of a bit of unbridled joy as well!

Mark McGhee channelling Mexico ’86 Diego Maradona! It was October 1989 and Newcastle United were flying high near the top of the old Division 2 in the hunt for promotion. We’d started with a 5-2 thumping of promotion favourites Leeds, Micky Quinn getting four on debut and been reasonably consistent all season, sitting in 5th with what should have been a simple home game to come against Bradford. Newcastle being Newcastle though, nothing is ever straightforward and going into the final minute of the game, we’d huffed and puffed, missed a penalty and hit the post. Enter Mark McGhee who’d finally broke his scoring duck in late September and had scored in the previous 3 games. Taking the ball from a throw in McGhee held off his marker, future Toon centre half Peter Jackson, and eventually turned towards goal. Although not being blessed with any pace to speak of McGhee had momentum and simply barrelled his way past defenders, slaloming left and right until he was out in front of goal and able to slot the ball past the keeper. A simply brilliant goal! I was on the Gallowgate and the reaction was chaotic; sheer relief coupled with an instinctive need to stay on your feet while all around you pushed, shoved, jumped and hugged. Watching the goal again on YouTube I was amazed to hear commentator Roger Thames describe McGhee as “hurtling towards the danger zone”. He didn’t. In fact, it looked like he didn’t have the energy to celebrate when it went in, instead being dragged to the ground by Micky Quinn. The season would end woefully with the infamous play off defeat, but this was another moment where being a Toon fan is just the best thing in the world!

Jonas released. It takes a certain kind of boss to display a complete lack of sympathy, empathy or interest in an employee who has been diagnosed with cancer. And Mike Ashley was that certain kind of boss. So when Jonas Gutierrez was given his diagnosis of testicular cancer the club were slow to help. Then, when he returned after treatment it was felt that he was “a liability”. He wasn’t selected because his contract stipulated that a certain amount of appearances would trigger an extension. Hence the final day shenanigans and screaming up to the director’s box following his selection and goal against West Ham that year. But this wasn’t the biggest example of lacking any humanity here. No, that came when John Carver broke the news that Jonas was being released. By phone. When Jonas was on holiday. Yep, ‘Carvs’ – who was only following orders from above – rang Ryan Taylor to break news of his release and when it transpired that Jonas was there too, Carver simply asked Taylor to put him on! I mean, imagine that. “Hiya Jonas. Aye it’s John Carver. Good holiday so far? Tayls behaving himself? Why am I ringing? Oh, aye…well you know how you’ve been poorly and that? Well, Mike’s asked me to call, just out of courtesy like, to tell you that we’ll not be renewing your contract. We’re releasing you…hello? Jonas? Hello?” You stay class, Ashley.

The Indian War Cry. Readers of a certain vintage will know what this alludes to instantly. But lots of younger fans won’t have a clue. This was a ‘moment’ that used to happen every home game in the 80s. If memory serves me rightly, there was never a prompt or a traditional time for it, but during every match a bloke used to stand up in the corner of the East Stand nearest the Gallowgate and belt out an Indian war cry. There’s footage of it on YouTube and a bit of research tells me he was called Davy, but try as I might I could never locate his whereabouts from where I stood in the Scoreboard at the time. What can I say? It’s just another one of those moments that makes our club as mad as a box of frogs, as they say.

So there you have it. More weird and wonderful moments from over the years of supporting the Toon. And here’s to a few more next time!

Always look on the bright side – the things that made me smile in February.

With Winter almost over the horizon and turning to give its last wave until it sees us again at the back end of the year (or sporadically from August if you live in the north), Spring had undoubtedly brightened things up. So, last month had a few more than just the regular five things to smile about!

My birthday. One of the first things I had to smile about was my birthday. I normally don’t really care about it that much and find that the family make much more of a fuss than me, which in its own way is of course very nice. However, this year felt different. Firstly, we didn’t make any plans to go out because there was torrential rain for the whole day. In turn, that made things all the more relaxing. One of my presents was tickets to see The Shawshank Redemption at a theatre in Leeds, which I was really pleased with. But then I realised that I’d never watched the film. None of us had. And so, we spent my birthday afternoon together, snacking and watching what is largely felt to be one of the greatest films ever released. It was a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

Local paper steals my headline! I could have got quite annoyed about this, but in the end it just made me smile. It came about because a local journalist put a story out on Twitter (sadly now X) about Newcastle’s Champions League tie in Baku. The story referenced a song that our fans have been singing for years, to the tune of Que Sera, Sera – ‘Tell me mam, me mam, I won’t be home for tea, we’re going to Wembley’. So, a celebration of a certain achievement where the ‘tea’ and ‘Wembley’ rhyme. But for his headline the journalist had just ended it with Azerbaijan, which doesn’t rhyme with ‘tea’…or with much at all! So, I left a comment saying wouldn’t be better as ‘scran’ (a dialect word for food) instead of ‘tea’. The journalist got back to me saying that I was right. Later however, the newspaper that said journalist writes for sent out a link to an article about our fans being in Baku, Azerbaijan’s capital, using my version of the song as their headline! Have a look for yourself!

Abandoned island for sale. This was a story I read about an island that has been put up for sale. It’s in the Dwyryd Estuary in North Wales, very close to where we go on holiday every year. Apparently there are 17 acres containing a farmhouse that is in need of major renovation. Had I have been 20 years younger – and a lot richer – I’d have been tempted to have a look and maybe even put in a bid!

Spring. Plain and simple. The nights are getting lighter. As are the mornings, come to think of it. Having had the last few months where I’ve been leaving for work in the dark and then heading home in the dark, it’s very much smileworthy to not have to do it anymore! Spring also means that I can see new life everywhere and – old romantic that I am – I really like seeing buds come back on to plants, flowers appearing and the like. They’re just a sign of better things to come.

The Alternative Guide to Qarabag. As I mentioned previously in this column, Newcastle United played a Champions League tie in Azerbaijan recently. And, as I write for a Newcastle fan site, I was inspired to write a piece on this. However, rather than write a straightforward preview of the match I wanted to do something different. Many years ago I wrote for another Newcastle website and what we wrote was largely silly, imaginative (made up) pieces that looked at the club in a very different way. So for my Qarabag piece I decided to write an alternative guide which mixed a small amount of factual stuff with loads of made up bits about Qarabag. It was just a piece that I hoped would raise some smiles and maybe even a few chuckles. More than that though, it gave me the chance to write something completely different as well as rolling back the years a bit and remembering writing in my twenties without a care in the world. The piece is on the link below if anyone fancies a read.

NUFC in the Champions League – The alternative guide to Qarabag.

The Qarabag result. Qarabag 1 Newcastle United 6. The game was played over two legs and we won by an aggregate score of 9-3 in the end. However, that first game was superb and we were absolutely ruthless. Suffice to say, after all of the build up, it left me with a big smile on my face!

Marsden Moor. At half term me and my son ventured out past Huddersfield to take a hike across the beautiful Marsden Moor. It was a cold wet day, which was bad enough, but when we got up onto the moor it wasn’t long before we encountered snow. We were well equipped for what we were doing though and so the snow didn’t really provide an obstacle. What did hinder us was some badly worded instructions and a wrong turn that not only took us about a mile out of our way, but also led to us tackling some very narrow and steep paths. And of course it was at this point that the rain decided to properly lash down as well. Despite the conditions, despite painful feet and ankles from my boots and despite how tired we both were, the day was brilliant. Spending that time with my son was time incredibly well spent and there were smiles throughout the day.

Jigsaw puzzle lovers raise £15k for charity. This is a great story. During the first Covid lockdown Lynn Pearl and her husband Gideon started a puzzle library where people could lend jigsaws. This has now grown from the 80 they started with to over 3000 mainly donated jigsaws that are lent out at £1 a time. On average 40-50 jigsaws per day are loaned out at their village hall and this has led to them donating over £15k to local food charities across the years.

Chris Ramsey. Chris Ramsey is a fantastically funny comedian and we were lucky enough to go and watch one of his gigs last month in Halifax. Obviously you’d judge a comedy show on how much you laughed, but when you come out and your face aches with laughing, you know it’s been a brilliant night. Handily, I’ve added my review of the gig below, if anyone wants to find out about the gig! Comedy Review: Chris Ramsey at Halifax Victoria Theatre.

So, lots of positives found in February, which was a good job because the weather was horrendous! I hope some of it made you smile too. On to March and to see how much I’m smiling once that’s out of the way!

NUFC: This might be a defining moment for all of us.

Like many others I watched the videos of Barcelona players arriving at Matfen Hall at the weekend with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. You can’t help but feel excited at the prospect of any Champions League tie, but this one is special for many reasons. This could well be the start of one of the most important periods in the history of the club.

Not to start inventing a rivalry, but we’ve been here before. This will be the sixth time we’ve faced Barca in the Champions League and while any game against them will bring back memories of September 1997 and Tino Asprilla, it shouldn’t be forgotten that this was the only time we’ve beaten them in the Champions League. It might just be time to start thinking about putting that right. So, as if we didn’t know already, the pressure’s on.

A win on Tuesday would be incredible, but sadly we can’t really trust in the logic that it would represent a turning point in out season. You only have to go back to the Man Utd home game to see that. The story of the season is that we can’t seem to string wins or performances together. But a win on Tuesday would surely prove something to the players. Even a draw would help.

Beating Barcelona would be monumental, but only for a short time. We mustn’t forget that it’s a two legged tie. So making the first leg competitive is essential. Having gone to the Etihad a few weeks back with little or no chance of a comeback we should have learned a lesson. Stay in the tie.

Heading to the Nou Camp for a dead rubber simply cannot happen (although I understand it could). So while we have problems with both injuries and form, the occasion and its importance should be enough for the players and staff. Eddie Howe needs to find the tactics that give us the edge and the players need to find the desire to win or at least stay in the game, which to be fair to them, they’ve managed in the Champions League this year.

There are several players who it could be said have something to prove. Nick Woltemade, while to me a player with real quality, seems to be the scapegoat for a lot of people at the moment. It’d be great to see him played further up the field and for him to grab a goal. Yoan Wissa has flattered to deceive since joining the club and is due a performance. And it would be fantastic to see Anthony Elanga use that pace and get at his full back, if he starts. Whoever does start and whoever enters the fray as a sub, this is a time for heroes.

As a team, this is about how we approach the challenges ahead. The ground will no doubt be a bear pit and yet nothing new for Barcelona’s players. The fans will undoubtedly do their part though. So, it’s very much over to Eddie and the players. Stay in the tie against Barcelona and then go on to Chelsea and try to do it all again. And then it’s a showdown with everything to play for at the Nou Camp. The stuff of dreams. Players, fans and staff have the experience and the know how to make this a successful week. Don’t get me wrong, beating Barcelona is a mammoth task and the odds are stacked against us, but surely it’s moments like this in life that we all live for? So why not throw everything you can at the task in hand?

Fellow fans, make it a bear pit, raise the roof and get right behind the lads. Then hopefully, the team can respond with something very special. And when all else fails just remember, it could be worse. We could be playing Port Vale!

Howay Eddie Howe’s Champions League lads!

The usual drama, but a much needed win!

As a Newcastle fan of almost 50 years I’ve gotten used to the fact that there will always be moments. Over the years there have been more bad moments than good ones, but after a while you get used to that and learn to savour the good ones even more.

Last night’s game was packed with moments and all the ups and downs of a pantomime, so isn’t it a shame that yet again one of the main ones was brought about by inept refereeing. But more of that later.

Our performance against Manchester United was the type that we had gotten used to during Eddie Howe’s tenure. High energy, committed, quick. However it was also the type of performance that we are seeing less and less of this season. Regardless, it was wonderful to watch, especially against that lot.

There were a lot of magnificent individual performances across the park. You could name every player and not be wrong. But some stood out more than others and it was nice to not just be praising Lewis Hall for once.

Kieran Trippier was magnificent. He’s been doubted all season; past it apparently, the legs have gone. Well last night he led like a legend, throwing himself into challenges, urging the lads on, making clearance after clearance and always keeping the ball safe with intelligent passing.

Dan Burn was peak Dan Burn. A captain without the armband, but also throwing in a few incredible 50 yard passes to switch the play across to Tripps. Arron Ramsdale, in for Nick Pope, was in fine form and kept us in the game when it could have slipped away.

In midfield, Joelinton rolled back the years with an all action display, driving us forward and breaking up opposition play with that familiar aggression that we’ve all come to love. Alongside him, Sandro Tonali was the midfield maestro from Milano once more.

It was fantastic to see that intensity can still be our identity and all the better for Will Osula’s crowning moment. Many of us would have settled for a draw at that point, but while Kieran Trippier possibly just saw an out ball and Dan Burn has admitted that he was screaming for Osula to take it to the corner, the man himself had other glorious ideas!

And what an idea it was!

However, for much of the final hour of the match many of us would have been preoccupied with Peter Bankes and the pantomime that he cobbled together alongside his pals from Manchester; the villain of the piece, making the rules up as he went along. A bizarre performance capped off by his inability to keep control or even time. Two yellows for Ramsey when you could argue that neither was worthy of a card. Yes, he went down, but firstly there was contact, secondly he just looked to have lost his footing and finally, he didn’t appeal in any way for a penalty. But I suppose when Man Utd are appealing for the sending off it’d be rude not to.

On several occasions Bankes failed to issue a card when Man Utd players waved imaginary yellows at him. And when Bruno Fernandes added telling him to f*** off twice later in the match, he ignored that too.

Next, he conveniently forgot how to tell the time, which when your watch is presumably digital is quite some feat! At the end of the first half Bankes basically played until our opposition scored. Maybe he forgot who their manager was.

In the end we overcame it all and 10 men or 12, 95 minutes or 99, the only numbers that mattered were those of the scoreline.

Mick Hucknall, Deirdre Barlow, Shaun and Bez, the little fella out of Take That…your boys took one helluva beating!

Book Review : ‘I’m not with the band’ by Sylvia Patterson.

If you’re a music lover you may well have given thought to how you might get yourself a slice of that there scene, at some point. Growing up as an avid reader of the NME and Melody Maker, amongst other music based publications, writing for them was something I wondered how to do, but never dreamed that I’d be able to do it. I couldn’t play an instrument and would have been far too nervous a boy to give signing a go, so writing came in as a close second. But in those pre-internet days, and with only a school careers officer and the local library to rely on, I never worked out how to follow my dream and by the time I did, it was far too late.

Sylvia Patterson, on the other hand, found that music was among her only real interests and, force of nature that she seems to have been, found herself a job that would lead to her writing for the NME, not just reading it! And she’s been writing about music ever since.

‘I’m not with the band’ tells of her adventures in music in a career that, at the time of publication, had just gone beyond 30 years. As you’d imagine there’s lots of the expected hedonism of following bands and artists around. There are tons of tales of the somewhat anarchic and also juvenile things that happened when Silvia was a writer on the sadly missed Smash Hits. It seems that their motto was something like ‘either make it up, take the piss or both’ which sounds right up my street!

There’s also loads of really interesting stuff about big hitters like Madonna, the Manics, Prince, U2, Beyonce, New Order and Oasis and yet you’re often left with the reality that Patterson’s life as a writer isn’t at all as glamorous as you’d imagine. In fact, at times I was thankful for falling into being an English teacher just for the sake of my own safety and sanity! But then you read stuff about people like Black Grape and a notorious trip to the Caribbean to record a video, as well as Cypress Hill and Eminem it helps you to see that while life as a music writer isn’t glamorous, it’s rarely dull.

And ultimately, that’s the saddest part of this memoir. I’d set out into reading it thinking that meeting all of those musicians and following them round the world would be enormously fulfilling and glamorous. But it doesn’t seem to have been so for Patterson. The pay seems barely enough to get by on and the perks never really seem, well, perky enough. In fact our writer seems at her happiest just when taking the piss out of pop stars early on in her career at Smash Hits.

Patterson also details the decline of the music press as well as the closure of many magazines that we may well have read back in the day. The internet has a lot to answer for and part of it is that writers like Sylvia Patterson are forced to work as freelancers, surviving on scraps really. Again, not what we’d expect from someone who on the surface of things, seems to have the kind of job we’d all kill for.

‘I’m not with the band’ is a fantastic, illuminating read. For starters, it’s just very, very funny. But then there’s also a great deal of depth too. Patterson clearly thinks that music – and writing about it – is something life changing. And she’s right. And so the book is equal parts vibrant, honest and thoughtful. With tales of just anyone you could think of within the British music scene of the last 30 years, ‘I’m not with the band’ is a must read for all music lovers.

I give ‘I’m not with the band’…

Comedy Review: Chris Ramsey at Halifax Victoria Theatre.

In our house, I know there’s going to be a good night when we have an early tea. Usually, we eat anywhere between 8 and 9pm – late, I know, but we’re very continental, don’t you know – but when we’re off out, it has to be early. And tonight, we’re off out to see Chris Ramsey in Halifax, which is about a 35 minute drive away, so it’s a case of wolfing down a pasta bake after work, getting ready and then out the door!

Support tonight is provided by Carl Hutchinson. Like Chris, he’s a Geordie and a very funny one at that. And it’s always great when the support act is worth watching, especially when it’s someone that you were previously unaware of.

Carl’s set centres around marriage and fatherhood and how basically, it’s ridiculously hard work. As a fellow dad, it’s a very relatable set and there’s lots to laugh about. There’s a particular bit about the instructions for flat pack furniture which really rings true!

There’s laughs from both of us when he’s discussing the peaks and troughs of marriage and children though and it feels particularly satisfying when Carl tells us about older parents looking at his toddler and telling him, ‘Enjoy her when she’s this age’! I’ve even said it myself very recently when I know that the truth is more than likely that you’re really not going to enjoy the sleepless night, the nappies and the copious amounts of kid vomit!

Hutchinson saves both the best and worst tale until last and the story of his traumatic holiday poo – yes, really – is both cringeworthy and absolutely hilarious at the same time. He’s touring in the autumn and I’d highly recommend him if you like a laugh.

After a twenty minute break it’s time for Chris Ramsey and he strides on amidst a load of dry ice, loud music and flashing lights. Some entrance, but one that his comedy will definitely live up to. And when he tells us early on that tonight’s show is packed with stuff he can’t talk about on his podcast we know we’re in for a night of juicy tales!

Like Hutchinson before him, Chris spends a lot of his time on stage talking about life as a husband and father, all with the underlying proviso that we remember ‘but I love them, couldn’t live without them…’ which only serves to make it all even funnier.

Ramsey has been very successful in the last few years as the podcast that he does with wife Rosie has really taken off. Coupled with his individual success it has led to the pair ‘moving up in the world’ or as Chris himself puts it, getting above our station. So the show looks at life as a husband and parent having moved out of his home town of South Shields and out to leafy Northumberland. There’s no arrogance and no side here, by the way, he’s just as personable and funny as ever about it all. In fact, he’s very open when he tells us that it just didn’t work out and that they’ve been dragged back down by the universe!

Stand out moments here include his ‘remodelling’ of the Northumberland house complete with some ducks who ended up taking a very disappointing holiday in his back garden after he’d filled in the pond. There are tales of wanting to fight other dads – Chris is a blue belt in Brazilian Jiujitsu while also being, in his own words, ‘soft as shite’ – as well as the sharp theatre wide intake of breath when he declares that being a dad is harder than being a mam! And it’s no surprise when I find my wife laughing harder than me at this particular section!

Ramsey also does a little bit about the difference between being a ‘mummy’ and being a ‘mam’ which, being a Geordie with a mam, has me laughing like a drain.

The second half of the set covers how his professional life also took a bit of a battering after appearances on Soccer AM – he was subsequently banned from the show for life! – This Morning with Phil and Holly, where him and Rosie were the last guests before the presenting team, shall we say, ‘changed’ and appearances on the Graham Norton Show alongside P Diddy and then Will Smith. If you have a think I’m sure you can work out why he feels he might just be cursed!

The show closes with the tale of that appearance on Graham Norton with Will Smith. Or at least it sort of does, because the appearance that we may have witnessed on TV was not quite how it actually went. But don’t worry, Chris’ management have a video of how it really went which absolutely brings the house down!

While an early tea hints at a good night to follow, in our house we also gauge how funny something is on a sliding scale. At the top end of that scale you’re either crying laughing or your face hurts from laughing. Or both. Tonight, Chris Ramsey is at the top of the scale from beginning to end and leaves the stage to a thoroughly well deserved standing ovation.

Always Look on the Bright Side…Five Things That Made Me Smile in January.

So, a new year comes round again and for lots of us it’s time for major change…at least for a month until we get bored and go back to being our usual selves. Well, there’ll be no New Year, New Me here! But what there will be is the usual monthly feature looking for a few positives in life. So what turned my frown upside down in January?

Photographer recreates that iconic ET moment. This was a story from Wales where a photographer and his mate spent almost two years trying to recreate the iconic ET and Elliot flying across the moon moment. Michael Meighan and his mate Nathan Edwards had patiently tried everything to get the shot just right over the years, but something always got in their way. And with only twelve full moons per year, chances were limited. Eventually though, with Nathan pushing his bike – complete with taped on teddy bear covered in a blanket as E.T. – and Michael over a mile away watching through a viewfinder outside his house, they got the perfect shot as you can see below!

The Fast Show. The Fast Show was a huge influence on me in my twenties. A sketch show that just made me laugh and laugh. Full of ridiculous characters and catchphrases that just became part of everyday life in our house and in every workplace that I entered during that era. So, it was great to read about its new found popularity in January. Apparently, due to internet clips and an ‘An Evening with…’ tour by most of the stars last year the show has reached a whole new audience. Too right, as well. Whether it was Ken and Kenneth, two overly familiar gentlemen’s outfitters, Bob Fleming coughing his way through another show or even a Peruvian flute troop cropping up in the most unusual places, it was always my favourite show.

Tynemouth Igloo. As a native of the North East of England I’m always on the lookout for local news, even though I haven’t lived there for almost 30 years now. The North East will always feel like home. So in early January, when there was a lot of snow about, I was instantly attracted to a news story about someone building an igloo in Tynemouth, a coastal town near Newcastle. Two brothers, Isaac and Jakob had spent 15 hours building an igloo using plastic tubs to help with building blocks. The result was something that it seemed like the whole community would use over the next few snowy days.

Care Home Residents’ Podcast. This one really made me smile. Three residents of a care home in Birmingham have developed a podcast after a member of staff told them they’d be great at it. Doreen (92), Maureen (88) and Anne (92) now host ‘Do You Remember the Time?’, talking about just how life has changed over the years. And despite their initial reservations about the technology involved, they’ve found out that it’s just like having a chat with friends over dinner. As someone who’s fast approaching my retirement years it’s good to know that the future might be a bit more fun than I’d imagined.

Amazing miniatures. Having spent hours of his childhood making Airfix models, Lee Smithson has turned his hobby into a business and now makes miniatures that bring other people’s memories to life. And they’re amazing! Lee now runs Sheffield Miniatures, taking commissions to make everything from a recreation of someone’s front room to their local butchers and even a steam engine from way back in Sheffield’s history. What caught my eye though was an allotment he’d done for someone. My father used to have an allotment and had taken some photos of it and asked my daughter if she could do him a painting of it. However, try as she might she couldn’t get it quite right. A miniature would have been fantastic!

Try as I might I couldn’t think of many smiles that were personal to me for last month, but I hope you like the stories I stumbled across!

Anyway, keep looking for the positives, however tiny they might be!

Newcastle well and truly United!

On the morning of the first leg of the Champions League play off in Azerbaijan you could be forgiven for thinking that Newcastle United were in crisis. If you were thick as two short planks that is. Never mind the truth, the media were having a right go at stirring things up.

In the days leading up to the tie there’d been numerous ‘stories’ concerning Toon players wanting to leave. Sandro Tonali was unhappy and wanted to go back to Italy, but Arsenal, Man Utd and Manchester City were ready to bid, so of course his departure was a formality. Anthony Gordon would be subject of a bid from Liverpool come summer. According to the BBC Nick Woltemade, was homesick and wanted to either go to Bayern Munich or just back to Stuttgart, despite a report that said anything but. And then of course Tino Livramento was off to Manchester City for…a bargain £40m.

Having had his tactics and future questioned for the last few weeks, we were then told that Spurs were coming in for Eddie Howe to replace Thomas Frank. So, of course this being a London club we’d be looking for a new manager come May, what with the capital’s glamour and how the streets are paved with gold.

Throw in the questioning of our summer transfer window, with Anthony Elanga and Jacob Ramsey both being labelled a colossal waste of money by some of the internet’s finest ‘Big 6’ fans and this was going to be a tricky tie.

And yet, we started like a train and were two up after 8 minutes and five up at half time having played brilliantly. It could and should have been more. What was a fluid, professional and lethal Newcastle attacking performance was somehow thwarted again and again by Qarabag keeper Mateusz Kochalski who was surely having the game of his life.

By the end, although we had conceded a consolation goal, we ended the game as 6-1 winners and had all but in name booked our place in the next round of the Champions League. Four goals for Anthony Gordon, some lovely stuff from Nick Woltemade, another goal for Malick Thiaw, a Dan Burn trivela assist, the return of Joelinton and a promising if brief debut for Sean Neave. Twenty two shots with 14 on target.

Six goals away from home in the Champions League. Regardless of who we were playing, not many teams have done that or will go on to do that. An excellent performance and a trip to remember for nearly two thousand of the best fans around.

Whatever the reports say, whatever way the media want to continually try and destabilise this club and however the ITKs want to earn their living, this was Newcastle United in name and in nature. A team running and fighting for each other. And all with smiling faces.

On to the quarter finals and bring on whoever it needs to be. Howay the lads!