middleagefanclub

Review: Rhod Gilbert at the Grand Theatre in Leeds.

Rhod Gilbert is a notoriously dour comedian. A bit miserable and matter of fact. Funny though, but cynical and blunt. And tonight we’re promised that things will get beyond blunt.

Rhod’s latest tour – Rhod Gilbert and the Giant Grapefruit – is all about his battle with cancer over the last 3 years. Well, they do say that we can find humour in anything.

As he takes the stage he’s quick to warn us that things are going to get dark. But we know why we’re here and exactly what the circumstances of the show are. Gilbert has fought and beaten head and neck cancer, after the discovery of a growth – that’ll be the grapefruit – on his neck. Ironically, this was found during a trek in South America to raise funds for his local cancer hospital. And as the man himself says, when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade. But when life throws you grapefruits, you’re never going to be sure quite what to do. But, like comedians are inclined to do, he made a joke out of it and took it on tour.

It’s a very different night of comedy that begins with the comic asking if there are any people in the audience who’ve also had cancer. But it works. There are, I suppose as you’d statistically expect, a fair few audience members who have gone through and recovered from cancer. A couple of people have even had the same cancer as Gilbert and so some of tonight is spent discussing what they’ve been through. It’s never indulgent and always funny (which feels like a weird thing to write even now).

It’s a brilliant show. Gilbert is, as ever, engaging and forthright. Nothing is held back, meaning that a few thousand of us are treated to tales of cancer based constipation that we probably could have done without! But, even when we’re cringeing about it, we’re laughing. Along the way, we’re treated to tales of John, Rhod’s driver while he was unable to drive himself, who is ridiculed mercilessly.

As promised, there are lots of darker moments tonight. It’d be impossible to avoid after a 3 year cancer journey. But it’s actually uplifting. Brutally honest and all the while searching for a bright spot, but it’s dark. I find myself wondering whether or not it’s ok to laugh at times, but realise that the whole room is laughing so it’s probably the whole point. Sometimes, when the chips are down, if you don’t laugh, well you’ll probably cry and I know which I prefer.

There’s a brilliant section near the end of the set where Rhod gives out awards for those who’ve featured in his battle against cancer. I won’t give the game away as some of you might go to see the show in the coming months, but there’s a brilliant tale involving a trip to get treatment that almost ended up in Aberdeen of all places. And remember, Gilbert lives in Wales! There are also awards for those who reached out to Rhod during his last 3 years, some with wise and beautifully written, sage pieces of advice…and others where it’s just plain weird.

The show ends with Rhod now offstage and a video that was made during his treatment. Keeping with the themes of the night, it’s funny while also being really sad at times and we’re given just that extra little bit of insight into Gilbert’s character. Thankfully, it’s been a happy ending and I dare say that there was more than just me in the room who was choking back a few tears as Rhod rang the bell to signal that he’d beaten cancer.

Welcome back, Rhod!

NUFC: The ones that got away – Hugo Viana.

You would have had to have been either exiled on a remote island or taking some time out in space to not know that Manchester City have been in the news a bit lately. The 115 Premier League and Uefa related charges against them, the success of their challenge to the Premier League or just the fact that they seem to be stumbling a bit and really not maintaining their happy habit of winning football matches, Citeh are never far away from the news. But did many of us notice the appointment of Hugo Viana as their incoming Sporting Director for the 25/26 season?

Now any of you younger readers may be muttering ‘Hugo who’? Well, let me inform you and at the same time remind some of us older Mags of Hugo’s past. Because Hugo really was one that got away from Newcastle United.

Hugo Viana was signed by Newcastle as a 19-year-old from Sporting Lisbon (or Sporting CP as they seem to be known nowadays). His was a record Toon fee for a teenager at £8.5m and having won the Young European Player of the Year award in his previous season (now the Golden Boy award) he arrived with a lot of expectation. This was undoubtedly an exciting signing. But sadly, it just didn’t work out.

Viana joined us as a hugely gifted footballer. Playing as a left sided central midfielder he was viewed by Bobby Robson as being a natural successor to Gary Speed. And maybe this was part of the problem. Speed was not only a favourite of Robson – one of his ‘blue chip boys’ – but of the fans too. Despite age creeping up on him, he wasn’t slowing down and was still very much a dominant force in our midfield alongside the likes of Kieron Dyer, Jermaine Jenas, Clarence Acuna and Nobby Solano. As a result, Viana’s chances were limited and he never really got the run of games that would have hopefully seen him become a mainstay of the team for years to come.

Viana had an excellent passing range but probably lacked the pace and physicality to succeed in the Premier League. It didn’t make him any less of a player though. Think Yohan Cabaye, but crucially without Cabaye’s experience, aggression and will to win. So it was then, that we only ever really saw glimpses of Viana’s greatness on Tyneside.

There are a few standout memories of Viana’s time at Newcastle for me. Firstly, the goals. Viana didn’t score many, but he was never one for tap ins, either. He scored only 4 goals in 61 appearances, but they were all pretty special. A first time screamer into the near top corner against Chelsea at the Gallowgate springs to mind as well as his strike from the left hand corner of the box against Feyenoord away in the Champions League. The other two were free kicks that he elegantly caressed into the near corner, before running off laughing like this was the easiest thing in the world.

Viana was a player that promised much in flashes. There’d be moments of brilliance where he made the game look simply effortless and in those moments it wasn’t overly hard to understand what the club had seen in order to shell out millions. However, Hugo was obviously very young and as a result – at a time when not too many very young players were joining our league – the move just didn’t work. The league felt too physical for the nuances of his game and he just wasn’t afforded the time on the ball that was perhaps needed for him to flourish. As often with players coming in from the smaller European leagues, he just couldn’t seem to get going at Newcastle.

In the end, it was inevitable that we’d cut our losses and that Hugo would be allowed to move on. I imagine that it came as a relief to the player when he was loaned out to Valencia for the 2005 – 2006 season. However, it was a similar story there as he struggled for game time and consistency and by 2009 he was off to Braga, back in Portugal. Here he was much more successful, making 123 appearances and scoring 16 goals in 4 seasons.

Following a spell playing in Saudi Arabia, Hugo returned to Portugal, eventually taking up the post of sporting director at Sporting Lisbon, where after getting through a number of managers and hugely expanding their scouting network, his success has now led to his recent appointment to the same role at Manchester City. Hopefully, he can be a success in his new role…just as long as it doesn’t harm us!

What do you remember of Viana’s time on Tyneside?

Review: Russell Kane at the Leeds Grand.

It’s 10.40 on Sunday night and I’ve just got home. My face aches, particularly across my cheekbones and I think I probably need a go on my inhaler. I feel genuinely knackered, but it’s not a bad thing though…just the result of spending some of my evening laughing like a drain in Russell Kane’s company.

I last saw Russell probably over 10 years ago and so, given the amount of time, I’m not entirely sure what to expect. What I do know is that it’s going to be a very physical kind of gig. A bit like Lee Evans but with a better sense of style and far more up to date references.

First up tonight is Jack Skipper, a comedian I must admit that I’ve never heard of. But that’s part of the treat here. I mean, us middle aged types aren’t often out on a Sunday night anyway, but as far as a bit of mystery is concerned, I’m restricted to the pub quiz, the meat raffle and a bit of ‘open the box’ if I’m lucky! So a mystery comedian is fine with me!

It can be quite awkward seeing any new comedian though. I’m always immediately aware of the chance that they might just die on their arse and I was brought up to always try to be polite. What do I do if he’s just not funny? Happily though, Jack raises some decent laughs early on before then dropping a C bomb and really warming us up.

Starting off by talking us through how he’ll pay his kids back for all of the early mornings that they provide him with when he’s hungover, he then moves on to the fact that we’re out on a Sunday night – a miracle for some of us if it’s not on the calendar! Particularly true in our house! He’s an ex carpet fitter, so gives us some jokes and stories about his time in that particular trade as well as his take on his school days and the fact that he feels that he’s just not that bright. Bright or not, Jack Skinner leaves us all with a warm glow and the feeling that we’ve just seen a future star. There’s a hint of Micky Flanagan and a touch of Jack Whitehall, while also having something akin to Russell Kane himself in there, yet Skinner definitely has his own way. He’s funny, relatable and likeable and deserves his success when it comes.

Now normally when reviewing any kind of gig I’ll have some points of reference. So, if it’s a band it’ll be notable songs and if it’s a comedian, it’s the topics they talk about or just a great gag. Russell Kane is very much a different kettle of fish though. I swear tonight feels like it’s 100% off the cuff and it’s all the more brilliant for that fact. It’s obviously not off the cuff at all, but for someone to meander through as many topics, views and stories and still get back to the point time after time, all the while making the entire room laugh uproariously, is a real skill.

It’s not hard to work out why this is called the ‘Hyperactive’ tour. If you know Kane’s live work then you know his style; perpetual motion at what feels like 100 miles an hour. And anyone who just bought tickets for a good night out is left in no doubt as to the name when he bounds out and proceeds to just do circuits across the stage as he talks. Kane is a phenomenon; he never seems to stop and his delivery is incredible coming as it does on the run, during a dance, lying down or just crouching in front of us. Even taking a drink is done while wandering!

Whether there’s a plan or not, Kane’s material is superb tonight and I find myself wondering ‘Is this the funniest show I’ve ever seen?’ about halfway through. The answer is that I don’t know, but that’s the fault of my memory, not Russell Kane. Tonight is very definitely up there though.

In a way, Kane is hugely unprepared for tonight’s show as when he takes to the stage he’s only actually been in the building for 10 minutes or so. Apparently he was stuck in motorway traffic, which not only leads to a glorious bit about Slaithwaite – a place Kane discovers that the locals pronounce as more of a noise than an actual word; Slaawit – but lands him in quite an agitated mood. In turn, this adds even more to the energy of the show!

Quite a chunk of tonight is related to the audience. Kane ‘picks on’ the front row from the off and much fun is had at the expense of Yorkshire folk and their accents and attitudes. There’s nothing at all malicious in this and Russell judges the tone brilliantly so that the whole theatre is laughing as one. Even when he does a brief section about Geordies later on, I can’t take offence. It’s just very, very funny and stingingly accurate!

Kane says himself that he doesn’t tell jokes. In fact some of tonight seems dedicated to almost giving us a sermon about enjoying life, but it’s just hilarious at the same time. There are a good ten minutes spent on gently mocking ‘Gen Z’ as he asks questions of a 17 year old near the front and I find myself veering between wiping tears of laughter away and feeling dreadfully sorry for the lad!

Further down the line, there are riffs on his working class roots, his family, his wife and also the joys of living up north. All of it is priceless, hence the aching face and struggling lungs when I get home.

Only when Russell starts talking about limiting his show to 70 minutes, do I realise that we’re nearing the end. So relentless has he been that it feels like time has flown. Maybe somehow, with his dancing and speed walking around the stage he’s managed to find a way to speed up time? He admits to being worn out and I think every last person in the room feels exactly the same. But we’re all smiling.

Kane leaves the stage to rapturous and well deserved applause and much acclaim. There’s no chance of an encore, but nobody seems to care. This has been a wonderful night spent in the company of someone who appears to be a wonderful human being. And boy, is he funny!

If you get the chance to catch any of the rest of the tour, then jump on it. If not, start preparing yourself for next time!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Russell Kane; perhaps the funniest stand up in Britain.

Middle Aged Gigging: The Bluetones at the Brudenell Social Club in Leeds.

I’ve lived in Leeds now for well over 25 years and seen a lot of gigs in that time too. However, strangely, I’ve never been to the Brudenell which makes me feel a little bit sheepish about tonight’s gig. Almost like I’ve been cheating a bit in the way I’ve seen my local gigs!

Mixed in with that sheepishness though, there’s the usual excitement at seeing The Bluetones, so it’s all good as they say.

The Brudenell is literally just a big, traditional working men’s club, but over the years it’s gained a reputation as a fantastic venue hosting all manner of brilliant music, so naturally I’m looking forward to our visit. And I’m not disappointed because the atmosphere in the place is just great and we’re treated to a superb night.

Support tonight is provided by local Leeds band, The Loose Cut and it’s safe to say that they’re excited to be here too. I’ve seen them supporting The Bluetones before and they were good then, but tonight there’s definitely an extra edge to their set. Their sound lies somewhere on the heavier end of indie pop and there are loads of good tunes here tonight, starting with opener ‘Last All Night’ and carrying on through the set with the singalong of ‘Round and Around’ and the highlight of ‘Resist’.

The Loose Cut are really loud too. We’re right next to the stage and as well as the usual throbbing of the bass going through my body, I can even feel my jeans shivering. Definitely a band to check out, but maybe take a step back if you’re my age!

Ultimately though, we’re here to see The Bluetones, a band I’ve seen loads times before over the years. And that amount of gigs really matters as I know that I’m pretty much guaranteed a brilliant night full of great songs and a bit of in between songs entertainment as provided by lead singer and all round top fella, Mark Morriss. There will always be something slightly different with this brilliant band.

Tonight, the main difference is that the band have recently released their first new music in 14 years. It’ll be the first time I’ve heard it live and I’m interested to hear how it’ll sound even though I bought the EP when it came out last month. The band are usually pretty tight though and so I don’t think I’m in for any nasty surprises here.

The other difference comes with the lads’ on stage attire. Over the years, The Bluetones have worn tuxedos, dressed as scientists and done the encore in pyjamas and dressing gowns as well as various other looks. And tonight is no different…although actually different, if you know what I mean! Tonight the lads take to the stage in a combination of t-shirts from their own merch, jeans, white Converse and wait for it…blue sweatbands, which I have to say is an excellent touch. I mean, it’s hot under those lights and there’s none of us getting any younger!

Old favourites ‘Bluetonic’ and ‘Cut Some Rug’ start things off in brilliant fashion, with the already ‘on side’ packed house signing along in unison. It feels clear that the band are up for this and so are we.

The pace continues with ‘Fast Boy’ and the excellent ‘Down By The Reservoir’ before the band show some sympathy for the many middle aged limbs in the audience by playing a trio of slower songs in ‘Keep The Home Fires Burning’, ‘4 Day Weekend’ – in honour of Jesus, apparently – and then ‘Sleazy Bed Track’. Mark gives us a jokey dressing down during this section for not buying these singles when they were out. I resist the urge to tell him that I did, in fact buy them, for fear of looking like a bit of a tw*t though. I mean, you don’t want to look like that in front of your favourites, do you? I did buy them though…

Then, it’s time for us to be treated to our first live taste of new material as ‘Drive Thru’ makes an appearance. And it is a proper treat. Like anyone who’s waited 14 years to hear new songs, there’s the fear that the band might just not have it anymore. But we shouldn’t have worried, especially given this band’s track record. All of the new songs tonight sound fantastic and they’ll sit well alongside other live favourites, hopefully for years to come.

Before we know it we’re into the last three tracks of the night, although with a bit of a wink from Mark, we’re comforted by the fact that these won’t actually be the last songs of the night. We’re dropping the pretence after all these years and apparently there’ll be something called an encore…

It’s a race to the end of the set with ‘After Hours’ followed by ‘Slight Return’ and then ‘Never Going Nowhere’, coming as it does with its now traditional 80s pop medley. Tonight there’s ‘Obsession’ by Eurythmics, ‘Jump’ by Van Halen, ‘Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and The News (a personal high point!) and a remarkable stab at ‘Feel For You’ by Chaka Khan! Believe me, you’re not getting this type of entertainment elsewhere and nor are you getting the option of finishing a song in the style of a) The Bluetones or b) Elvis, which is another thing that happens tonight! It’s safe to say Mark, that if it all goes t*ts up, you could make a decent living as an Elvis impersonator. I mean, we saw one in Mallorca that was genuinely robbing a living, so the Balearics market is ripe for the picking!

The end of the night comes all too soon with said encore of new track ‘Madeline’ and the classic that is ‘If’, which is so highly anticipated apparently that some bloke behind me is literally effing and jeffing at the band to play at the top of his voice!

If I’m honest, I would’ve stayed for a good while longer listening to these lads tonight. The Bluetones really are an absolute joy and I’m sure even big sweary Dave (possibly not his real name) would agree, despite the minute or so delay in playing ‘If’!

Afterwards, we make a quick trip to the merch stall so I can grab a t-shirt and a new hat and then it’s time to head home. Once again, as with so many other times in the past, it’s just been a brilliant night. Mark, Scott, Adam, Eds and Richard; thanks for the gig and for putting another huge smile on my face! That said, if I could make a suggestion for next time…how about ‘Thank You For Being A Friend’ from The Golden Girls for that medley? Surely no one would grumble…not even big sweary Dave!

Until the next time; cheers lads!

Anthony Gordon: Our latest long term superstar!

As an advocate of his from the very start of his Newcastle career, the recent news that Anthony Gordon had signed a new long term deal was music to my ears. As it would have been to many a Newcastle fan too, no doubt.

Gordon joined the club in January 2023 for £40m in slightly controversial circumstances. I say slightly controversial but it feels like Everton supporters have been apoplectic about it ever since, despite claiming to be glad to be rid of the lad. You’d think it wouldn’t be much of a problem as they’re constantly reminding us of how bad he is, but here we are.

At the time of the signing I wrote another article and was happy to state that Gordon was ‘a fantastic player’, ‘a very talented footballer’ and that in my opinion he’d prove to be ‘a genuine success’. All words that I’ll happily stand behind getting on for two years later! Not that I think I showed any real insight when we signed him, of course. Gordon just felt like the kind of player that was always going to be a fan favourite at Newcastle. And so it has proved.

After a slightly shaky start when Gordon himself admits he wasn’t fit enough to play effectively in Eddie’s system, the lad has gone from strength to strength. In front of a set of fans that want a team that tries, Anthony Gordon’s most obvious strength is his will to win and work rate. Whether it’s chasing down seemingly lost causes or leading the press and pressuring an opposition goalkeeper at full speed, Gordon never lacks effort.

However, while a phenomenal work rate is a plus, it’s Gordon’s attacking flair that gets people off their seats. Following in the footsteps of stars like Wayne Fereday and Ian Stewart must have been daunting, but Anthony has revelled in the challenge… (If you’re a Toon fan of a certain vintage, you’ll get that joke. If you’re not, please don’t Google Wayne Fereday NUFC).

Playing predominantly as a right footed left winger, that ability to cut in onto his right foot and either find a pass, a give and go or just get off a shot at goal is priceless. It feels obvious that he’s going to do it and yet at times he looks unstoppable. In terms of going past full backs Gordon is a bit of a throwback, bringing to mind memories of players like Ginola and Robert and although he doesn’t have their delivery, it’s safe to say that the game has changed since their day anyway. Nowadays, a lot of teams favour a winger that can cut inside as part of a front three and while Gordon doesn’t supply the sort of arrowed crosses that Laurent Robert would ping in for Shearer, we’re just not that type of team any more.

Anthony Gordon has proved himself to be crucial to the team. Firstly, he’s reliable. He’s almost never injured, which with the demands of the modern game is quite something and at Newcastle United is a bloody miracle! He’s generally a 7 or 8 out of 10 kind of player as well. The performances – give or take a few games this season – are generally there. For me, when he’s running at a defender and threatening to go past them on either side, he’s worth his weight in gold and is a real crowd pleaser.

Personally, I think tiredness could be a key factor so far this season as the lad hasn’t had a decent break from football for a while because of two summers worth of international duty. Maybe there’s been some kind of hangover from the Euros when he was criminally ignored by Gareth Southgate, when even the most narrow minded mackem or Evertonian could see that we were crying out for his pace and ability to get the team up the pitch. Whatever it is, I expect that sooner or later he’s going to kick into gear again and hit the heights that we witnessed at times last season.

Perhaps the comfort of this long term contract will be the making of the lad again this season. In life, when we’re settled, we’re often at our best. I know that if I have less to think about or worry about, then I’m capable of focusing more on the things that matter. With Gordon, there have been flashes of his best form and ability this season, but it’s been widely acknowledged that he’s not been quite at the levels he previously set for himself. And personally, although I would have never let him anywhere near that penalty against Everton, I admire the guts he showed in taking it and also in continuing to give everything afterwards. I for one am still very firmly of the belief that we have a hell of a player on our hands.

His comments after signing his new deal should be music to the ears of Newcastle fans. “I think the club’s in a great place…I love it here…I feel very connected to everyone – team mates, fans and everyone involved.” So far, Gordon has scored 15 goals and provided 11 assists in his 74 appearances for the club; not at all bad for a winger playing on the wrong side! He’s been involved in some fantastic moments too. There have been spectacular goals against Sheffield United and Manchester City last year, as well as the goal against Liverpool at home when he showed the pace and power to get in behind their defence and the composure to finish one on one. I also enjoyed his tap ins against Arsenal and Man Utd, just because he had the intelligence to be in the positions and stay onside, when not every winger does.

Gordon seems to be a cracking lad too. It’s evident that he’s happy to make time for fans and that – as far as we can ever really know – he absolutely loves the club. Then there’s the charity work, visiting sick children and just generally making their day. And of course touches like leaving money behind the bar at The Strawberry can’t be ignored either!

The future is inevitably bright for Anthony Gordon. A fixture for both club and country and fully settled too. Hopefully, he can rediscover the form from last season soon – although 2 goals in 10 this season is hardly bad – and help to get us up that table!

Thoughts on Gordon so far at Newcastle?

Teaching: I’ve been on a course…

This week, as a work thing, I did something that I haven’t done for years. So long in fact, that I really can’t remember how many years it’s been, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it’s been well over a decade. I went out on a course.

I’ve long had an aversion to courses. I’m not good around new people and really can’t be bothered trailing to anywhere different with all the navigation issues that it can create. And that’s before you get to the chaos that going out on a course can create. You leave behind a classroom full of resources and a day’s worth of classes doing – or simply not even attempting – all of the work you’ve spent time creating and then setting for them. So basically, your room is at the mercy of whoever’s covering your lessons and a load of students frothing at the mouth at the prospect of you not being there. A course you say? I’ll just stay at work, if it’s all the same.

There was no avoiding this though. Firstly, I’m at a new school and so keen to make a good impression. But secondly, this was a course for mentors and I needed to be there in order to learn how to use the software that I’ll be working with as mentor to a new teacher or an ECT as I’m required to call them nowadays.

I started the day by making the kind of mistake I’ve previously laughed heartily at in others. Yes, I didn’t check the dress code, meaning I was the only person to turn up in a shirt and tie! Oh, the horror as I walked in! I almost wore a suit though, so I was relieved that I could just quietly rid myself of my tie and not look too stiff in amongst the sea of hoodies and jeans.

There were plusses though. I got to leave the house later, meaning more time to lounge about over breakfast, the course didn’t start until later than work, we got a free lunch and then we were treated to an early finish, so it turned out to be not so bad.

However, the whole experience left me with a number of questions as well as wanting to share a few observations too…

The first thing that occurred to me was the name of the thing. They’re no longer courses, apparently. No, now we go on conferences. So when did that change? And why? It’s clearly the way things are these days, with academy chains running things like businesses and referring to people on courses as ‘delegates’. Ridiculous, really. I mean there were around 30 of us sat in a classroom watching and taking notes as two presenters talked us through some slides. It didn’t feel like what I imagined a conference to be. I thought conferences were about ‘networking’ (perish the thought and pass me the sick bag) and maybe standing around drinking wine and being waited upon with nibbles. I got to sit at a desk and settled for jacket potato with cheese and beans for dinner! Not even a warm plastic cup of chardonnay in sight!

The school we were at was one that I used to drive past daily for a decade. I actually imagined that one day I’d work there. It was a short commute for me and had a name that conjured up far more positive and idyllic images than the reality. Now though, following some dark days for them, they’ve knocked it down and rebuilt the place and I have to say, it was an impressive building. It’s nice to see that money is being spent in education…if only we could recruit more teachers.

Even a brand spanking new building has its drawbacks though. For about the first hour of being there, every few minutes the sound of gushing water would interrupt us. No one had any idea where it was from, but boy did it sound close. Very off-putting, I can tell you! I was sure that we were going to get soaked at any time! And then there was the school bell. I say bell, but it sounded like the kind of alarm you expect would signal an approaching apocalypse. And it just seemed to go off so often! A ‘conference’ with the threat of drowning or zombie panic. It’s no wonder it’s taken me so long to get back out there!

While watching our presenters go about…well, presenting, it struck me that this was the kind of job I’d have liked. I love the showing off aspect of my work and have always loved giving assemblies or running training for staff, so I’d like a bit of that there presenting I reckon. But then, it occurred to me that I’d be very worried about the amount of questions I’d have to fumble an answer for and that I’d probably really just want to be telling stories and doing dad jokes – not what your average ‘delegate’ wants in these corporate heavy days of education. Maybe I’ll stick to the classroom after all!

The two presenters we had were very good and yet still my abiding memories of them talking to us revolved around their language choices. No sweary Marys, don’t worry, but just using phrases I’d either never heard before or just hadn’t heard in years. Firstly, one of them kept saying ‘Hell’s Bells’, which I thought had died out years ago and then the other referred to students as being like ‘giddy little kippers’, which really threw me as the only kippers I’ve ever encountered were dead and being offered up as part of guest house breakfasts. So, not giddy at all. But all was forgotten and forgiven when one of them kept using the word ‘twiggle’, which I’d never heard. Going on the context of use, I worked out it must be a verb meaning to change something slightly, like to ‘tweak’. But twiggle seems like a great word and I’d encourage all 14 people who read this to start using it immediately!

In the afternoon though, an old ghost returned to haunt me. Every so often in teaching someone latches on to a person who’s had an idea and set themselves up as some kind of guru. It’s particularly irksome, because almost every idea is recycled from years before and these people aren’t reinventing any wheels. Anyway, just after dinner, there he was smugly standing there jabbering on about something I wasn’t listening to on a video. I won’t mention his name (it’s not even a proper name), but suffice to say it soured those few minutes until he disappeared again!

Overall though, despite my reservations, I had a pretty good day and actually learnt some stuff. Best of all? It was the compliments. I genuinely think that I’m a hopeless mentor and yet still the presenters told us on several occasions, “you are all amazing” as well as referring to us regularly as “special”. I must remember to tell my wife!

Middle Age: Tales of the unexpected.

I’ve been writing this blog for 6 years now. The original idea was to sort of diarise stuff about getting older; welcoming in middle age and documenting what it was like, if you like. That quickly changed when I realised that I’d given myself a platform where I could write about…well, anything!

Six years ago, I’d had a heart operation and so my first 3 blogs were about that. It was the reason for starting the blog. I suppose it was kind of cleansing. A way to let people know how I was feeling without having to do any of that awkward talky stuff that I’m not a great fan of. But then I got to liking writing about all manner of stuff and noticed that there were more than just my friends reading. So suddenly, there I was typing up my thoughts and feelings about music, fashion, young people, football and eventually even plucking up enough courage to share some poetry.

It’s been a while though since I wrote about middle age, but recently I got to thinking about some changes I’d gone through that I hadn’t really expected. So, I thought I’d give the rest of you advance warning of some of the perils of middle age. Something to look forward to, eh? And if you’re already of a similar age or older, some of this might resonate and make you chuckle.

Going white. I’m 52 now and so far, while I’ve been going grey since my early thirties, it’s been a pleasingly slow progression. I’d say that most of my hair is still black and that thankfully, aside from some patches in the sides, I’m more pepper than salt. However, following an operation I wasn’t able to shave for a while. I was fine with this. Being happy to be alive will make you far less vain and so being unshaven and subsequently growing a beard didn’t phase me at all. What did bother me though, was the fact that my beard came through as largely white! I mean, when there was a bit of growth, say after a week or so, I was beginning to resemble some kind of apprentice Santa Claus! Definitely not the change that I was expecting.
Losing my hair. To clarify, I still have a decent head of hair. There are far more who are far younger than me who have lost a lot more hair. That said though, lately I’ve really noticed how much I’m receding. And while in reality there’s very little chance of it, I’ve been beginning to fear the development of a hair island at the front of my head! My forehead is definitely growing where there used to be hair! Like I say, I think it’s a way off as yet, but it’s really bothered me.
Strange marks and blemishes. Another unwanted imperfection has been the development of marks and blemishes on my body. I already have three notable scars – two on my chest and one on my right calf – so I could do with the latest additions to my body! A year ago, I got an infection right at the top of my left leg, just where it meets the hip. I’ve no idea how, but it ended up as a real mess when the cyst burst and I ended up at the doctors. Even he took a deep breath when I revealed the mess that my leg was in. Anyway, a year later and the marks are still there, like two ugly red scars. I also have a mark on my shin that I can’t explain and right in the middle of the large scar on my chest it’ll sometimes get dry and itchy, making for another horrible blemish. Add to this a small red area on the end of my nose and it’s becoming a bit of a problem! It seems that when these things happen nowadays that my body just can’t move on! It’s honestly one of the worst bits about middle age that I’ve encountered so far!
My body. Having been slim all my life, middle age is no fun. I used to be able to eat anything and it had no effect. Now though…ooof! Too much spice = heartburn, coffee = feeling sick, pizza, I’m steering clear of as I think I’m developing an aversion to cheese, red wine (oh, red wine), that used to be my best friend, gives me nightmares and a thumping heart in the night! And it all makes me put on weight. I have a belly that I’m really not fond of, but try as I might it just won’t shift. My body is not enjoying middle age!
Bruises. Suddenly, bruises are taking far longer to heal and going far bluer or greener than before. What’s that all about? I rarely bruised as a young man, but now the slightest touch against almost anything and I’ve got a nasty bruise. This means that, as a teacher, I have a more or less permanent bruise at the top of my thigh where I’ve walked into yet another desk as I do my ’rounds’ in the classroom!
Memory. Now, I’ve never had a great memory. I’m terrible at remembering birthdays and rarely know the lyrics of songs, despite the fact that I may have been singing them on and off for over 30 years. However, middle age has now brought the curse of not being able to remember why I came into a room. The kitchen is the favourite here and it often doubles up as I remember why I’m there – to get something out of a cupboard – but can’t remember what the something was that I was getting.
Hair growth. If you’re wondering, yes, this is a strange thing to include in the same piece as a bit where I worried about hair loss. But that my friends is the weird and ‘wonderful’ world of growing into middle age. Sometimes, everything’s a conundrum! Suffice to say, since the onset of middle age I seem to be sprouting hair in places where I don’t really want it. Firstly, I have more back hair than I’d like. It’s not a great deal, but I’d prefer none really. I’ve always been quite hairy anyway, but my back seems to have decided to play catch up with my chest, arms and legs over the last few years. My eyebrows too have gone rogue. The hair there is just taking on a life of its own and I’m finding myself having to trim it regularly to stop it encroaching up my forehead. And then, there’s my nose. Not just hair in there, but growing on the outside too and while both have been a constant in adult life, it would seem that they’re now just heading into some form unwanted of overdrive! Believe me, shaving the outside of your nose is no fun whatsoever!
A realisation of my uselessness. I’m not really useless. There are lots of things that I can do and lots that I’m actually good at. However, what worries me is far more fundamental. The older I get, the more I’m finding that the essential ‘man stuff’ is a bit beyond me. There’s just loads of stuff that I cannot do. Let me explain. Recently, one of the spotlight bulbs in our bathroom stopped working. This wasn’t a problem. They were easy to change, I’d heard. Just press on the outside, it’ll drop down from the ceiling and you pop the bulb out and put another in. Except ours didn’t. Naturally though, being a bloke, I couldn’t resist a half hour struggle with it first, which succeeded in me breaking the unit leaving it now dangling from the ceiling! The springs to hold the unit in place were either left dangling with the light or flew off into the loft which meant a long time spent crawling around our loft space trying to find them amongst the insulation. No fun, dear reader, no fun! Suffice to say, another two bulbs went soon after, leaving us with one working spotlight. It turned out that our electrician had fitted the less than easy to change versions and only after several trips to YouTube was I able to figure it out and even then fixing it all was far from easy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so frustrated. Add to my spotlight woe the fact that I won’t go near electrics having electrocuted myself quite badly in the past, I don’t like speaking to people on the phone and that I can’t change a tyre and I’m stuck in middle age feeling pretty useless!

It seems really unfair that just because you get to this stage in life that a million unexpected things start to happen to you. I mean, the health worries have been more than enough and I thought all the awkward changes I needed had come in puberty. I imagined my next stop was pensionable age and all that would happen would be fully expected! This present pit stop is not at all enjoyable!

Anyway, less moaning and more positivity. I’m still here and most of my hair is still its natural colour! Until next time…

Book Review: ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ by John Cooper Clarke

If you know of him, John Cooper Clarke comes under a number of aliases. The Poet Laureate of Punk, the Bard of Salford, the punk poet…he’s even sometimes referred to as Dr. John Cooper Clarke. If you don’t know of him, well it’s best you start with the viewpoint that the man is a star. A poet, a raconteur and an entertainer. And as we find out in ‘I Wanna Be Yours’, he can’t half tell a story!

As such, you’d expect his autobiography to be quite the read. And you wouldn’t be disappointed. Having read it recently in fact, I was actually pleasantly surprised at just how ‘eventful’ his life has been, as the book went way beyond my expectations. I thought I knew a few things about the man who’s considered a bit of a national treasure these days, but on reading the book I found that there are layers upon layers to this fella’s life story. What a treat!

Now aged 75, Cooper Clarke is best known as a poet, although in recent years he’s managed to light up several TV panel shows with his wit, humour and way with words. And it’s his gift for language that makes ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ so eminently readable. The sharp delivery meant that I read the whole thing hearing Cooper Clarke’s voice in my head, which for me made the whole thing all the more memorable.

The book takes us through his early years as a sickly child in Manchester where in fact, a dose of tuberculosis meant that he was moved to the North Wales coast to live with relatives in the hope that the sea air would aid his recovery. Once back in Manchester, we hear of a multitude of adventures as Cooper Clarke grows up and eventually begins to get into clothes and music, slowly honing the look for which he’d become famous in later life.

Eventually, with a bit of luck, a good deal of hard graft and not without one or two setbacks along the way, John finds that he has a gift for entertaining people. And so begins quite the extraordinary tale of a bit of a legend.

This is a brilliant book with any number of twists and turns, a whole host of bizarre and incredible tales and no shortage of surprises. So while I was fully aware of Cooper Clarke’s influence on bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, I certainly wasn’t expecting the likes of Bernard Manning to put in an appearance! And then as I carried on reading and found out about his close associations with the likes of Nico and Linton Kwesi Johnson, I was more than a little bit blown away! But that’s the thing about a life like Cooper Clarke’s and in turn this book; there’s never a page wasted, there’s always something curious or funny or just downright mindblowing around the corner.

A genuinely funny man, with a great turn of phrase, Cooper Clarke’s words will inevitably raise a smile and leave you in fits of laughter at times too. But for all of the light there are many moments of shade and the book – and John’s life – has sad moments too alongside many murky tales of Cooper Clarke’s own drug addictions. But even here, it’s all told with such candour and black humour that I found myself not really batting an eyelid and simply accepting that it had all added to the rich tapestry that I’d been reading about.

In the end, I was left wondering if at times, I’d been had. Surely there are more than a few tall tales and embellishments along the way in the book? However, on reflection I decided that either I didn’t really care – I mean wherever the truth lies, this was an amazing read – or more likely, it was all probably very much true. Because, whether it be looking after somebody’s monkey in Amsterdam and just ducking and diving while looking for your next fix of heroin, it could well have all happened to only one man; John Cooper Clarke.

Whether you know of his legend or not, this is a book I’d thoroughly recommend.

I give ‘I Wanna Be Yours’

Gallowgate Cult Heroes; Number 9 Craig Bellamy.

To this day, and despite him having a chequered past as far as Newcastle United are concerned, Craig Bellamy remains one of my favourite players ever to wear the shirt. Sure, he left in controversial circumstances and with his reputation in tatters in the eyes of lots of us. But, let’s face it, anyone could have fallen out with Graeme Souness and for the 4 years that he was at the club Bellamy was largely electric to watch. Playing in Bobby Robson’s sides that also featured the likes of Shearer, Speed, Robert, Lee, Dyer and Solano it was Bellamy who got me off my seat more often than not.

Bellamy was signed by Sir Bobby Robson in the summer of 2001 for £6.5m from Coventry City. It was a case of us finally getting our man and also of Craig getting his wish. We’d been looking to sign him the previous summer, but without an agent Craig somewhat bizarelly found himself being talked into the move to Coventry by John Fashanu who had decided to involve himself in the talks after a chance meeting with Bellamy’s financial advisor! Bellers preferred the move to Newcastle, but felt pressured to sign with Coventry and so had to wait until the following season and Coventry’s relegation to get his wish.

Bellamy arrived with a reputation as a bit of a bad egg. I remember reading a story at the time about the senior pros when he was at Norwich locking him in the coach toilet on the way back from an away game just to shut him up! And his time at Newcastle wasn’t short of controversy either. But more of that later.

For me, there are two abiding memories when it comes to performance, with Craig Bellamy. The first came in his first Tyne Wear derby at St. James’ Park in 2001. We’d gone behind to an early Kevin Phillips header and then Bellamy struck. After a bit of a skirmish in central midfield, Lauren Robert emerged with the ball at his feet and looked up before scooping a timely pass forward for Bellamy to run onto. He easily outpaced the defender, nodded the ball down and then finished with a beautiful strike from just inside the area past the mackem keeper. In was in the Gallowgate on Level 7 that day and went suitably mental. They’d call it ‘limbs’ nowadays, no doubt. It was just people celebrating back in 2001! We couldn’t quite get the win that day, but the relief when Bellamy scored was tangible.

The other lasting on field memory for me would be the last second winner in the Champions League against Feyenoord in 2002. He scored the first in added time in the first half, but the best was yet to come. Having taken a 2-0 lead, we were pegged back late in the game – a typical Newcastle-like collapse. And then, Bellers popped up again, in the 91st minute. Kieron Dyer’s effort was saved and the when the keeper parried the ball wide of the post it looked like the chance had gone. Somehow though, Bellamy got to the rebound and hit it goalwards, the ball going in off the keeper. We’d just become the first team ever to qualify from our group having lost our first three games. Cue bedlam. I wasn’t there that night and watched it on the telly, like a lot of other Mags, but I’ll never forget it!

I loved the way Bellamy played. All pace and raw energy, I don’t think I’d ever seen a forward as quick. He was like a little wasp, always bothering defenders, always involved and always likely to get on the end of a decent through ball. He struck up a useful partnership with Alan Shearer, but also worked well with the likes of Dyer and Robert. But he played on the edge at all times and was generally a yellow card – at least – waiting to happen. In fact, I seem to remember a time when for several games in a row it felt like the whole ground were shushing him in unison as he made his mouth go again to a referee!

Issues off the field would be Bellamy’s downfall at Newcastle. There are loads of stories to choose from. The multitude of red and yellow cards. Throwing a chair at John Carver at Newcastle airport springs to mind. And of course the fall out with Souness when Bellamy refused to play on the left against Arsenal, which eventually led to him leaving the club. The best part of that particular tale, by the way, was Bellamy doing a live interview on Sky after the game and telling them that Souness had ‘gone behind my back and lied to my face’! I mean, which was it, Craig? Personally though, whatever had actually happened, I’d have had Bellers back and got rid of Souness, but there you go!

The best of the negative stories has to be of a fleeting fall out with Sir Bobby Robson though. Apparently, in a team meeting as Bellamy kept complaining at being the first player subbed every game, Bobby eventually snapped, telling him to shut up, before adding, ‘I’ll squash you like an ant.’ But it got better as Robson then asked, ‘Who are you? Ronaldo, Romario, Stoichkov, Hagi, Guardiola, Luis Enrique, Gascoigne? These are the people I deal with. And who are you?’ Bellers could only reply with, ‘He’s got a point!’

In total, Bellamy made 93 appearances over 4 seasons for Newcastle, scoring 28 goals. He left under a bit of a cloud and would come back to haunt us many times later in his career with the likes of Blackburn, Liverpool and Manchester City. However, for the time he spent at the Toon, for many of us he became a real cult hero. As I said earlier, one of my favourite Newcastle players ever.

What are your views of Bellamy’s time at Newcastle? And do you have any stories of his many misdemeanours?

Teaching: The Reading Test.

I wasn’t planning to write anything at all on this topic. Far brighter people than me have written far more incisive commentary about the importance of reading and the struggles that young people have with it. And anyway, this was just a baseline test; a straightforward reading test done in class with (hopefully) minimal stress. But, in teaching sometimes it feels like nothing is ever straightforward.

September and baseline testing for Year 7s go hand in hand. Not always merrily skipping down a corridor, but hand in hand all the same. So, it should be straightforward, right? Read the texts, read the questions, answer the questions using the information from said texts. And as a bonus, take your time doing it as we can use a little chunk of next lesson too. Easy? Well not for all, naturally. But straightforward, surely?

Of course, if you’re a teacher or have ever worked in education, you know the answer to the question above. And of course, the answer is a big fat NO! As I mentioned earlier, nothing ever seems straightforward in education and some days everything can feel like a battle.

Which brings me to my topic. Reading tests. Or rather, the reading test that I’ve just done with my seemingly delightful Year 7 group.

Now previous readers might already know that I’ve recently taken up a new post at an all boys school. Suffice to say, as you might well expect it’s pretty tough at the moment. On top of a shedload of entirely new and sometimes alien systems and routines, all my learners are boys and therefore full of the ‘challenges’ that boys can bring! That said, it’s a very supportive environment and I feel like I’m getting on top of things and coping with anything that gets thrown at me…metaphorically!

In amongst my cohort of somewhat rowdy boys, my Year 7s stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. I’m new, they’re new and we’re in this together. They’re keen to get on and eager to please and of course, full of questions, as we probably all were at that age. They all say a cheery ‘morning, sir’ at the door and many of them tell me to have a ‘good evening’ or even a ‘good weekend’ when they leave, depending on the day.

So, today’s attempt at a baseline reading test was a timely reminder that there are always hitches, irritations and curveballs in teaching. Okay, this one wasn’t the biggest deal, but it reminded me of the need for patience and also the need to always make sure that everyone in the room is sure of what they’re doing.

The problems started as I gave out the texts. One reading booklet with texts to read from and an answer booklet…where you put your answers. First off, I asked my class to fill in the front of the answer booklet with the necessary information. In this case that was first name, middle name, surname, date of birth and school name. I explained what was needed and also that, if they didn’t have a middle name, then they didn’t have to write one. And this was when the questions started.

“Sir, where do you put your name?”

“Sir, what if I haven’t got a middle name?”

“Sir, what if I don’t want to put my middle name?”

“Why do I have to put my middle name?”

“Why do they need my date of birth?”

Eventually, we got there, even adding my own name to the front of their answer booklet just in case it was misplaced. At least someone would know where to find me.

Next came instructions about time. I’d been told that it didn’t matter if the test didn’t get completed in the hour – we could use next lesson too. So, I made it really clear that the boys should take their time, look for accuracy rather than speed and that we’d have this lesson and the next if needed. It wasn’t a race. You can guess what came next…

“How long have we got, sir?”

The first time they asked, I just repeated myself. Same with the next. And, with a slightly more irritated tone, the next too. By the time the same question had been asked about 8 times in 10 minutes or so however, I felt like steam might be coming out of my ears!

Then, it was time to give a bit of guidance. The answers they needed were in the texts that they were going to read, they should read the texts first before attempting the questions, the paper would tell them which text questions were referring to and so on. But before I’d even got halfway through what I was saying, the hands were going up. I asked them to wait; I might answer your question before you get the chance to ask if you wait until I finish. Still, the hands stayed up like this was some kind of endurance test. And then, when I’d finished…

“Where will the answers be, sir?”

“How do I know what text the question is about?”

“How long have we got, sir?” Just kidding with that one; they’d got the point by now!

Once those worries were seen too, again, I gave a final warning. Treat the test like an exam. There should be no talking and while they should ask if they had a question, I couldn’t just give answers and they’d be better off just reading the text again. And with that, I told the class that they could begin writing.

Seconds later, a hand shot up to ask a question, while the boy sat in front of me started reading the first question out loud.

I give up!