Article – Page 7 – Middle Age Fanclub

Middle Aged Gigging: Ellur at The Square Chapel, Halifax.

It’s not often I get out to see a new artists anymore. I’ll sometimes watch someone new supporting one of my favourites, but the days of getting out and watching new bands and unproven talent have long gone, I’m afraid. Tonight is slightly different though. This is actually my third time of seeing Ellur live, but while on the other two occasions she’s performed with a band, tonight it’s just Ellur, a guitar, a couple of plants and around 150 people in the audience. So, no pressure then!

Pressure or not though, when you’re being compared to Joni Mitchell and Sam Fender in the same night, you really must be doing something right. And believe me, Ellur is definitely doing a lot of things right. I hear both of these comparisons from people around the place tonight though and in truth I can’t help but agree. Ellur really is one to watch.

Tonight, as stripped back as this gig is, Ellur truly thrives. Right from the off, she’s got the audience eating out of the palm of her hand, asking us if anyone here is actually from Halifax and then, when she finds out that no one is, she tells us it’s ok, as ‘it would be a bit shit without you’! There’s a presence and charisma that belies her years but then of course, the key ingredient is that she also has the songs to back it all up.

Tonight is just a short set, but it’s still superb and while the comparisons I mentioned are completely valid, for me there’s also something a bit reminiscent of Suzanne Vega about Ellur in this performance. She’s got a fantastic voice and songs like ‘Yellow Light’ and ‘Your Dog’ absolutely soar with the latter being introduced as ‘a song about this guy I was dating who was an arsehole’. I mean, it’s fair to say there’s a few of them about! A bit later, there’s also a brilliant sing along during ‘Thank God You Tried’ where we all get to feel like part of the act!

However, tonight it’s powerful closer ‘God Help Me Now’ that really showcases Ellur’s talent. There’s a wonderful subtlety that’s coupled with moments of sheer power in her voice here that you can’t help but be hooked by and the song itself is just superb. And then, having enthralled us all for far too short a time, she gives a couple of curtseys and is off.

As small as this gig has been, it feels like we’ve all been in on a bit of a moment. Apart from anything else, to put yourself out there with no one else and just a guitar for support is perhaps as brave as it gets for a performer. And yet tonight, Ellur absolutely smashes it.

With an E.P. out soon and then a debut album next year, Ellur could and should really take off and if there’s even a small shred of justice in the world Ellur’s star will be allowed to shine brightly in the coming year. What a privilege to see such a genuine talent up close! If you get a chance in the new year or indeed any time in the future, get out and see her perform, with or without the band. You can thank me later.

Always look on the bright side: Five things that made me smile this Autumn.

It’s been a little while since I wrote one of these; a series that I started writing every month in order to remind myself that there were definitely positives in my life. At a time when I felt like I was struggling, I also wondered if it would help anyone else who might stumble upon this and read about some happy or funny stories. As ever, some are related to me and some are just the kinds of things that I’ve spotted in the news. Because everybody needs a bit of a smile now and again.

My new job. In September I started a new job and I have to say it’s been tough going since day one. I’m lucky enough to work in a very supportive environment and I’m still just about enjoying the challenge. There are plenty of positives too, but one in particular stood out from last month. As with most schools, our behaviour system has negative points as well as positives. Sadly, I find myself having to log a lot more negatives than I’d like and at times it can mean that there’s not enough time to catch up with the positives. However, some groups are very keen to remind you to put them on the system! One boy in my Year 7 group really managed to make me smile last month with his reaction to being given an achievement point. He’s always very keen to get them and always asks on his way out of the class if he’s earned one. And on this occasion when he asked and I responded positively he walked off with a barely audible, yet emphatic ‘Yes’ and a bit of a fist pump! A lovely, golden moment!

The Morley 10k. The town where I live has been holding a 10k race for a few years now and I’ve managed to run every one, despite my health issues. For this year’s I’d trained pretty well, running the route a few times and bringing my time down every time. I’d also ran quite a few 10k+ training runs and was feeling good. However, on the morning of the race I felt terrible. Like I was going to vomit imminently. I considered not running, but managed to pull myself together, resolving that this year’s goal was just to get round. But when I got into my running I felt quite strong and, checking my watch, was going quite fast. Sadly, I slowed a bit in the second half of the course before managing to put together a strong finish and eventually came 342nd out of 849 runners. Not my finest hour, but easily enough to make me smile (once I’d gotten my breath back and stopped groaning)!

The Winner of the Great North Run. Sadly, it wasn’t me. Partly because I didn’t take part but mainly because it would have taken me most of the day. Also, it’s the women’s race that I’m writing about. You see, I have a connection to the winner. Let me tell you about it. Every Saturday morning, me and my son volunteer as marshals at one of our local Park Runs. Every week we wait eagerly for the first runner to arrive, often marvelling at how fast they’re running. A short while back now, we were stood at our usual spot, not expecting the first runners for a couple of minutes yet. And then, as I glanced to my left, down the track, she appeared. A female runner, going extremely quickly. She was a real sight to behold. Graceful, powerful, effortless; she looked like a proper athlete. It turned out that she was! Mary Ngugi-Cooper is a Kenyan athlete who apparently lives locally and she’d just ran our course record time! She even came back the next week and broke her own record again! Fast forward to September and I found myself watching the Great North Run – a very famous half marathon) on telly while I did a bit of Sunday morning ironing. It was held in torrential rain (the race, not the ironing), but something else began to pique my interest. Every time they cut to footage of the women’s’ race, I was sure I recognised one of the leading pack. But I couldn’t quite place her. Anyway, after a thrilling finish the same lady won the race with just 5 seconds separating the first 5 athletes. When her name appeared on the screen, the penny finally dropped. My mate Mary from ParkRun had just won the Great North Run!

The return of Gone Fishing. ‘Gone Fishing’ is a BBC series where two blokes go fishing. Yet, of course it’s much, much more than that. The two blokes are comedians Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse, both heroes of mine. The series came about after Bob had a triple heart bypass and had pretty much given up on life. When no one could tempt him to leave the house, his friend Paul got in touch and suggested a spot of fishing. It worked. Not only that though, after a few trips the two realised that they could make a television series about it, which they went on to do. Amazingly, given that this is a programme where two blokes just go fishing, it’s just been commissioned for an 8th series and I’m currently enjoying the 7th. Gone Fishing is much more than just some fishing though. It’s about health, friendship, nature, humour and much more and is a truly heartening watch. Needless to say, the latest series has me smiling.

Beekeeper discovers lost bees. A lovely story from the BBC website in September. When he became a father something inspired Ross Main to set out to find his grandfather’s lost beehives. Maybe it was the memories of tending them with his grandad and possible hoping to pass on similar lessons to his own children. Anyway, Ross set off to the abandoned quarry where the hives had been and despite the hugely overgrown area, he found one last hive, having worried that they’d all been sold off. Even better news though, was that the bees had survived. After a bit of research Ross was able to transfer the hive to his home town and start to tend to them. Now, some 9 years on he has set up an apiary business, manages around 300,000 bees a week in 90-100 colonies and sells honey to local farm shops as well as teaching locals about the value of bees to the ecosystem. What’s not to like about that story?

I hope at least some of those made you smile!

Middle Aged Gigging – Embrace at the Victoria Theatre, Halifax.

First there was a blanket of snow. Then there was torrential rain, followed by strong winds and in short, Yorkshire got battered by the weather. But it was Embrace that nearly took the roof off the theatre tonight.

As part of their tour for the 20th anniversary of the album ‘Out of Nothing’, tonight the band play the Victoria Theatre in Halifax. As local lads, it’s a bit of a homecoming kind of gig and as such, it was always going to be special and judging by the amount of smiling faces around me, the boys did the trick.

First up tonight are Fever, an indie rock band from Hull. The first thing that strikes me about Fever is that they are yet another in a now long line of support bands who make me feel very, very old! At least two of them look like they might need to spend tomorrow finishing off some GCSE coursework, but if that were true I’d say to sack the exams off, because Fever are excellent. There’s a hint of the Arctic Monkeys about Fever’s sound and while that may sound lazy, it’s certainly not an insult. Singer James has a real presence and a great voice and at times he reminds me ever so slightly of a young Ian Brown. But what makes Fever such a good watch tonight is most definitely the songs with tunes like ‘Why Can’t You hear Me?’ and ‘Gold Intentions’ making them a band that you should definitely seek out.

What we’ve all braved the rain and the snow for though, is Embrace and so as ‘What A Wonderful World’ is brought to an abrupt end and the lights are dimmed, there’s a tangible excitement in the room, which is quite the effort at our age!

We’re thrown straight in at the deep end with the classic ‘All You Good Good People’ and the whole room are on side and singing along. The band sound incredible and when they follow it with ‘Come Back to What You Know’ the atmosphere ramps up another notch.

‘Out of Nothing’ is the record being celebrated tonight though and so we’re given a run of songs from the album with ‘Looking As You Are’ being dedicated to Danny’s 5-year-old daughter Kate. ‘Keeping’ is the stand out track in this section for me though and as we break the run for a brilliant rendition of ‘Nature’s Law’ it feels like everyone is having an amazing night.

A special mention has to go to ‘A Glorious Day’ here though. I never thought I’d be the kind of bloke to turn on his camera light and sway at a gig, yet Danny McNamara asks and here we are! It looks and sounds amazing!

Half way through the set and it’s difficult to see how things could get better, but we’re then treated to and incredible ‘Out of Nothing’ which feels more and more like some kind of religious experience every time I hear it live. Rick – and his broken nail – takes the mic for a blistering ‘Refugees’ before the band are joined by Nicole from Eevah for ‘Never’. What a song and what a voice she has, by the way!

‘Gravity’ then does its usual job on me! As the first song at our wedding – and I’m guessing it’s the same for a few others in the room – it’s special anyway, but as someone who’s had heart trouble these past few years, ‘Can you hear my heart beating?’ is a gut punch like no other, albeit it a kind of friendly one. I cling to Mrs C and sing along, all the while trying not to cry in front of Danny…again!

Over the years, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve began to dread Danny McNamara announcing ‘Ashes’ by asking us if we’ll be jumping up and down. I’m 52 and had a pacemaker fitted two years ago, Danny. My knees are shot and my back aches on a near permanent basis these days. Jumping up and down gives me the fear! However, as the song kicks in and he follows it with the familiar refrain of ‘Up, up, up up!’ I’ve got an arm in the air and I appear to be doing exactly as he says and in turn facing that fear! What a song! It’s an incredible few minutes, albeit something that I’ll no doubt regret as I attempt to roll out of bed in the morning. I check my heart rate as the song ends – a familiar action these days! It’s 98 and not too bad, but still, I’m chuffed to bits when the security bloke offers me some water!

Thankfully, I get a break as Embrace leave the stage to rapturous cheers. And that’s what this feeling is when we see them; rapture. We smile, we forget everything else, we dance, we just about jump up and down and we’re able to lose ourselves for a couple of wonderful hours.

But obviously, it’s not over yet!

After a brilliant ‘Protection’ Danny gets us dancing for ‘We Are It’ and I wonder if me or Mrs C will ever be the ones who get pointed to. If you know, you know, as they say! Having been treated to ‘No Use Crying’ in Manchester last week, it still feels kind of exciting to hear it again live in the encore.

A powerful ‘Near Life’ allows us time to breathe a little before everyone in the place adds their ‘la, la, las’ to an incredible version of ‘The Good Will Out’ and I swear there’s enough power in those smiles to light up the room.

I’ve been watching Embrace play live for almost 30 years now and it’s always a beautiful feeling. I never want that to end. Tonight was another gig to file under ‘incredible’. Thanks lads; let’s do it all again soon!

Three Mags at Wembley!

It was a bit of a funny old weekend. Those international breaks are rarely that entertaining and I think we’d all much prefer to be watching our beloved Newcastle United. But then with three players in the England squad for Sunday evening’s game against the Republic of Ireland, I’m guessing that a lot of us found ourselves watching.

I found out via social media that we had three starters in the team. It took me by surprise, despite the fact that Anthony Gordon and Lewis Hall had both played a part in the victory away in Greece a few days earlier. I thought that Hall deserved the start this time, but England being England, was still quite surprised to see him in the team. I mean, I’d have been less surprised if I was told that they’d just called up the perma-injured Luke Shaw.

And then there was Tino Livramento, a player highly rated at St. James’ Park, but who so far had been largely ignored by England despite making the last couple of squads. I thought I’d read it wrong when suddenly he was in the starting line up for Wembley, even though I really rate the lad and think he could be England’s first choice right back for many years to come. Still, there was no time for grumbling and just about enough time to get the telly on and watch the match.

I thought our lads did extremely well. Gordon was a constant threat out on the left hand side, despite being handled quite well by the Irish and in particular their right winger Ebosele when tracking back. Gordon being Gordon though, he just kept making the runs and would eventually get his reward when scoring his first international goal. A good run across his defender and a cute finish too that gave the keeper no chance of ever getting across to it. And there was double the reason to celebrate as it was from Livramento’s cross via a flick on. A goal made on Tyneside. Well, sort of.

Tino had a good, solid debut. I thought he was a bit more conservative than he is with us, in terms of getting forward, but as the game wore on he just got better and better. He looked like he belonged in the shirt, playing alongside some of the best the country has to offer.

Lewis Hall, for me was a contender for Man of The Match. He was calm, assured and dynamic going forward; the player that we’ve grown used to watching for Newcastle, week in, week out. What a player we’ve got on our hands and what a left back England have too!

All three of our players did their country proud on Sunday evening and in doing so no doubt made all Newcastle fans proud, too. This was the first time in 27 years that we’d had three players in an England starting line up; an indication that our future really is bright.

So, it was a lovely Sunday evening for us Mags. The icing on the cake though came with just a little bit of help from our ‘friends’ down the road. On the weekend that mackems celebrated another famous social media win – their lesser Bellingham started for the U-21s and got asked for some autographs and their manager was spotted by one of their fans enjoying the delights of our city – we had the three starters for England…

Clearly, there are levels to this game.

NUFC: The ones that got away – Hugo Viana.

You would have had to have been either exiled on a remote island or taking some time out in space to not know that Manchester City have been in the news a bit lately. The 115 Premier League and Uefa related charges against them, the success of their challenge to the Premier League or just the fact that they seem to be stumbling a bit and really not maintaining their happy habit of winning football matches, Citeh are never far away from the news. But did many of us notice the appointment of Hugo Viana as their incoming Sporting Director for the 25/26 season?

Now any of you younger readers may be muttering ‘Hugo who’? Well, let me inform you and at the same time remind some of us older Mags of Hugo’s past. Because Hugo really was one that got away from Newcastle United.

Hugo Viana was signed by Newcastle as a 19-year-old from Sporting Lisbon (or Sporting CP as they seem to be known nowadays). His was a record Toon fee for a teenager at £8.5m and having won the Young European Player of the Year award in his previous season (now the Golden Boy award) he arrived with a lot of expectation. This was undoubtedly an exciting signing. But sadly, it just didn’t work out.

Viana joined us as a hugely gifted footballer. Playing as a left sided central midfielder he was viewed by Bobby Robson as being a natural successor to Gary Speed. And maybe this was part of the problem. Speed was not only a favourite of Robson – one of his ‘blue chip boys’ – but of the fans too. Despite age creeping up on him, he wasn’t slowing down and was still very much a dominant force in our midfield alongside the likes of Kieron Dyer, Jermaine Jenas, Clarence Acuna and Nobby Solano. As a result, Viana’s chances were limited and he never really got the run of games that would have hopefully seen him become a mainstay of the team for years to come.

Viana had an excellent passing range but probably lacked the pace and physicality to succeed in the Premier League. It didn’t make him any less of a player though. Think Yohan Cabaye, but crucially without Cabaye’s experience, aggression and will to win. So it was then, that we only ever really saw glimpses of Viana’s greatness on Tyneside.

There are a few standout memories of Viana’s time at Newcastle for me. Firstly, the goals. Viana didn’t score many, but he was never one for tap ins, either. He scored only 4 goals in 61 appearances, but they were all pretty special. A first time screamer into the near top corner against Chelsea at the Gallowgate springs to mind as well as his strike from the left hand corner of the box against Feyenoord away in the Champions League. The other two were free kicks that he elegantly caressed into the near corner, before running off laughing like this was the easiest thing in the world.

Viana was a player that promised much in flashes. There’d be moments of brilliance where he made the game look simply effortless and in those moments it wasn’t overly hard to understand what the club had seen in order to shell out millions. However, Hugo was obviously very young and as a result – at a time when not too many very young players were joining our league – the move just didn’t work. The league felt too physical for the nuances of his game and he just wasn’t afforded the time on the ball that was perhaps needed for him to flourish. As often with players coming in from the smaller European leagues, he just couldn’t seem to get going at Newcastle.

In the end, it was inevitable that we’d cut our losses and that Hugo would be allowed to move on. I imagine that it came as a relief to the player when he was loaned out to Valencia for the 2005 – 2006 season. However, it was a similar story there as he struggled for game time and consistency and by 2009 he was off to Braga, back in Portugal. Here he was much more successful, making 123 appearances and scoring 16 goals in 4 seasons.

Following a spell playing in Saudi Arabia, Hugo returned to Portugal, eventually taking up the post of sporting director at Sporting Lisbon, where after getting through a number of managers and hugely expanding their scouting network, his success has now led to his recent appointment to the same role at Manchester City. Hopefully, he can be a success in his new role…just as long as it doesn’t harm us!

What do you remember of Viana’s time on Tyneside?

Anthony Gordon: Our latest long term superstar!

As an advocate of his from the very start of his Newcastle career, the recent news that Anthony Gordon had signed a new long term deal was music to my ears. As it would have been to many a Newcastle fan too, no doubt.

Gordon joined the club in January 2023 for £40m in slightly controversial circumstances. I say slightly controversial but it feels like Everton supporters have been apoplectic about it ever since, despite claiming to be glad to be rid of the lad. You’d think it wouldn’t be much of a problem as they’re constantly reminding us of how bad he is, but here we are.

At the time of the signing I wrote another article and was happy to state that Gordon was ‘a fantastic player’, ‘a very talented footballer’ and that in my opinion he’d prove to be ‘a genuine success’. All words that I’ll happily stand behind getting on for two years later! Not that I think I showed any real insight when we signed him, of course. Gordon just felt like the kind of player that was always going to be a fan favourite at Newcastle. And so it has proved.

After a slightly shaky start when Gordon himself admits he wasn’t fit enough to play effectively in Eddie’s system, the lad has gone from strength to strength. In front of a set of fans that want a team that tries, Anthony Gordon’s most obvious strength is his will to win and work rate. Whether it’s chasing down seemingly lost causes or leading the press and pressuring an opposition goalkeeper at full speed, Gordon never lacks effort.

However, while a phenomenal work rate is a plus, it’s Gordon’s attacking flair that gets people off their seats. Following in the footsteps of stars like Wayne Fereday and Ian Stewart must have been daunting, but Anthony has revelled in the challenge… (If you’re a Toon fan of a certain vintage, you’ll get that joke. If you’re not, please don’t Google Wayne Fereday NUFC).

Playing predominantly as a right footed left winger, that ability to cut in onto his right foot and either find a pass, a give and go or just get off a shot at goal is priceless. It feels obvious that he’s going to do it and yet at times he looks unstoppable. In terms of going past full backs Gordon is a bit of a throwback, bringing to mind memories of players like Ginola and Robert and although he doesn’t have their delivery, it’s safe to say that the game has changed since their day anyway. Nowadays, a lot of teams favour a winger that can cut inside as part of a front three and while Gordon doesn’t supply the sort of arrowed crosses that Laurent Robert would ping in for Shearer, we’re just not that type of team any more.

Anthony Gordon has proved himself to be crucial to the team. Firstly, he’s reliable. He’s almost never injured, which with the demands of the modern game is quite something and at Newcastle United is a bloody miracle! He’s generally a 7 or 8 out of 10 kind of player as well. The performances – give or take a few games this season – are generally there. For me, when he’s running at a defender and threatening to go past them on either side, he’s worth his weight in gold and is a real crowd pleaser.

Personally, I think tiredness could be a key factor so far this season as the lad hasn’t had a decent break from football for a while because of two summers worth of international duty. Maybe there’s been some kind of hangover from the Euros when he was criminally ignored by Gareth Southgate, when even the most narrow minded mackem or Evertonian could see that we were crying out for his pace and ability to get the team up the pitch. Whatever it is, I expect that sooner or later he’s going to kick into gear again and hit the heights that we witnessed at times last season.

Perhaps the comfort of this long term contract will be the making of the lad again this season. In life, when we’re settled, we’re often at our best. I know that if I have less to think about or worry about, then I’m capable of focusing more on the things that matter. With Gordon, there have been flashes of his best form and ability this season, but it’s been widely acknowledged that he’s not been quite at the levels he previously set for himself. And personally, although I would have never let him anywhere near that penalty against Everton, I admire the guts he showed in taking it and also in continuing to give everything afterwards. I for one am still very firmly of the belief that we have a hell of a player on our hands.

His comments after signing his new deal should be music to the ears of Newcastle fans. “I think the club’s in a great place…I love it here…I feel very connected to everyone – team mates, fans and everyone involved.” So far, Gordon has scored 15 goals and provided 11 assists in his 74 appearances for the club; not at all bad for a winger playing on the wrong side! He’s been involved in some fantastic moments too. There have been spectacular goals against Sheffield United and Manchester City last year, as well as the goal against Liverpool at home when he showed the pace and power to get in behind their defence and the composure to finish one on one. I also enjoyed his tap ins against Arsenal and Man Utd, just because he had the intelligence to be in the positions and stay onside, when not every winger does.

Gordon seems to be a cracking lad too. It’s evident that he’s happy to make time for fans and that – as far as we can ever really know – he absolutely loves the club. Then there’s the charity work, visiting sick children and just generally making their day. And of course touches like leaving money behind the bar at The Strawberry can’t be ignored either!

The future is inevitably bright for Anthony Gordon. A fixture for both club and country and fully settled too. Hopefully, he can rediscover the form from last season soon – although 2 goals in 10 this season is hardly bad – and help to get us up that table!

Thoughts on Gordon so far at Newcastle?

Teaching: I’ve been on a course…

This week, as a work thing, I did something that I haven’t done for years. So long in fact, that I really can’t remember how many years it’s been, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it’s been well over a decade. I went out on a course.

I’ve long had an aversion to courses. I’m not good around new people and really can’t be bothered trailing to anywhere different with all the navigation issues that it can create. And that’s before you get to the chaos that going out on a course can create. You leave behind a classroom full of resources and a day’s worth of classes doing – or simply not even attempting – all of the work you’ve spent time creating and then setting for them. So basically, your room is at the mercy of whoever’s covering your lessons and a load of students frothing at the mouth at the prospect of you not being there. A course you say? I’ll just stay at work, if it’s all the same.

There was no avoiding this though. Firstly, I’m at a new school and so keen to make a good impression. But secondly, this was a course for mentors and I needed to be there in order to learn how to use the software that I’ll be working with as mentor to a new teacher or an ECT as I’m required to call them nowadays.

I started the day by making the kind of mistake I’ve previously laughed heartily at in others. Yes, I didn’t check the dress code, meaning I was the only person to turn up in a shirt and tie! Oh, the horror as I walked in! I almost wore a suit though, so I was relieved that I could just quietly rid myself of my tie and not look too stiff in amongst the sea of hoodies and jeans.

There were plusses though. I got to leave the house later, meaning more time to lounge about over breakfast, the course didn’t start until later than work, we got a free lunch and then we were treated to an early finish, so it turned out to be not so bad.

However, the whole experience left me with a number of questions as well as wanting to share a few observations too…

The first thing that occurred to me was the name of the thing. They’re no longer courses, apparently. No, now we go on conferences. So when did that change? And why? It’s clearly the way things are these days, with academy chains running things like businesses and referring to people on courses as ‘delegates’. Ridiculous, really. I mean there were around 30 of us sat in a classroom watching and taking notes as two presenters talked us through some slides. It didn’t feel like what I imagined a conference to be. I thought conferences were about ‘networking’ (perish the thought and pass me the sick bag) and maybe standing around drinking wine and being waited upon with nibbles. I got to sit at a desk and settled for jacket potato with cheese and beans for dinner! Not even a warm plastic cup of chardonnay in sight!

The school we were at was one that I used to drive past daily for a decade. I actually imagined that one day I’d work there. It was a short commute for me and had a name that conjured up far more positive and idyllic images than the reality. Now though, following some dark days for them, they’ve knocked it down and rebuilt the place and I have to say, it was an impressive building. It’s nice to see that money is being spent in education…if only we could recruit more teachers.

Even a brand spanking new building has its drawbacks though. For about the first hour of being there, every few minutes the sound of gushing water would interrupt us. No one had any idea where it was from, but boy did it sound close. Very off-putting, I can tell you! I was sure that we were going to get soaked at any time! And then there was the school bell. I say bell, but it sounded like the kind of alarm you expect would signal an approaching apocalypse. And it just seemed to go off so often! A ‘conference’ with the threat of drowning or zombie panic. It’s no wonder it’s taken me so long to get back out there!

While watching our presenters go about…well, presenting, it struck me that this was the kind of job I’d have liked. I love the showing off aspect of my work and have always loved giving assemblies or running training for staff, so I’d like a bit of that there presenting I reckon. But then, it occurred to me that I’d be very worried about the amount of questions I’d have to fumble an answer for and that I’d probably really just want to be telling stories and doing dad jokes – not what your average ‘delegate’ wants in these corporate heavy days of education. Maybe I’ll stick to the classroom after all!

The two presenters we had were very good and yet still my abiding memories of them talking to us revolved around their language choices. No sweary Marys, don’t worry, but just using phrases I’d either never heard before or just hadn’t heard in years. Firstly, one of them kept saying ‘Hell’s Bells’, which I thought had died out years ago and then the other referred to students as being like ‘giddy little kippers’, which really threw me as the only kippers I’ve ever encountered were dead and being offered up as part of guest house breakfasts. So, not giddy at all. But all was forgotten and forgiven when one of them kept using the word ‘twiggle’, which I’d never heard. Going on the context of use, I worked out it must be a verb meaning to change something slightly, like to ‘tweak’. But twiggle seems like a great word and I’d encourage all 14 people who read this to start using it immediately!

In the afternoon though, an old ghost returned to haunt me. Every so often in teaching someone latches on to a person who’s had an idea and set themselves up as some kind of guru. It’s particularly irksome, because almost every idea is recycled from years before and these people aren’t reinventing any wheels. Anyway, just after dinner, there he was smugly standing there jabbering on about something I wasn’t listening to on a video. I won’t mention his name (it’s not even a proper name), but suffice to say it soured those few minutes until he disappeared again!

Overall though, despite my reservations, I had a pretty good day and actually learnt some stuff. Best of all? It was the compliments. I genuinely think that I’m a hopeless mentor and yet still the presenters told us on several occasions, “you are all amazing” as well as referring to us regularly as “special”. I must remember to tell my wife!

Middle Age: Tales of the unexpected.

I’ve been writing this blog for 6 years now. The original idea was to sort of diarise stuff about getting older; welcoming in middle age and documenting what it was like, if you like. That quickly changed when I realised that I’d given myself a platform where I could write about…well, anything!

Six years ago, I’d had a heart operation and so my first 3 blogs were about that. It was the reason for starting the blog. I suppose it was kind of cleansing. A way to let people know how I was feeling without having to do any of that awkward talky stuff that I’m not a great fan of. But then I got to liking writing about all manner of stuff and noticed that there were more than just my friends reading. So suddenly, there I was typing up my thoughts and feelings about music, fashion, young people, football and eventually even plucking up enough courage to share some poetry.

It’s been a while though since I wrote about middle age, but recently I got to thinking about some changes I’d gone through that I hadn’t really expected. So, I thought I’d give the rest of you advance warning of some of the perils of middle age. Something to look forward to, eh? And if you’re already of a similar age or older, some of this might resonate and make you chuckle.

Going white. I’m 52 now and so far, while I’ve been going grey since my early thirties, it’s been a pleasingly slow progression. I’d say that most of my hair is still black and that thankfully, aside from some patches in the sides, I’m more pepper than salt. However, following an operation I wasn’t able to shave for a while. I was fine with this. Being happy to be alive will make you far less vain and so being unshaven and subsequently growing a beard didn’t phase me at all. What did bother me though, was the fact that my beard came through as largely white! I mean, when there was a bit of growth, say after a week or so, I was beginning to resemble some kind of apprentice Santa Claus! Definitely not the change that I was expecting.
Losing my hair. To clarify, I still have a decent head of hair. There are far more who are far younger than me who have lost a lot more hair. That said though, lately I’ve really noticed how much I’m receding. And while in reality there’s very little chance of it, I’ve been beginning to fear the development of a hair island at the front of my head! My forehead is definitely growing where there used to be hair! Like I say, I think it’s a way off as yet, but it’s really bothered me.
Strange marks and blemishes. Another unwanted imperfection has been the development of marks and blemishes on my body. I already have three notable scars – two on my chest and one on my right calf – so I could do with the latest additions to my body! A year ago, I got an infection right at the top of my left leg, just where it meets the hip. I’ve no idea how, but it ended up as a real mess when the cyst burst and I ended up at the doctors. Even he took a deep breath when I revealed the mess that my leg was in. Anyway, a year later and the marks are still there, like two ugly red scars. I also have a mark on my shin that I can’t explain and right in the middle of the large scar on my chest it’ll sometimes get dry and itchy, making for another horrible blemish. Add to this a small red area on the end of my nose and it’s becoming a bit of a problem! It seems that when these things happen nowadays that my body just can’t move on! It’s honestly one of the worst bits about middle age that I’ve encountered so far!
My body. Having been slim all my life, middle age is no fun. I used to be able to eat anything and it had no effect. Now though…ooof! Too much spice = heartburn, coffee = feeling sick, pizza, I’m steering clear of as I think I’m developing an aversion to cheese, red wine (oh, red wine), that used to be my best friend, gives me nightmares and a thumping heart in the night! And it all makes me put on weight. I have a belly that I’m really not fond of, but try as I might it just won’t shift. My body is not enjoying middle age!
Bruises. Suddenly, bruises are taking far longer to heal and going far bluer or greener than before. What’s that all about? I rarely bruised as a young man, but now the slightest touch against almost anything and I’ve got a nasty bruise. This means that, as a teacher, I have a more or less permanent bruise at the top of my thigh where I’ve walked into yet another desk as I do my ’rounds’ in the classroom!
Memory. Now, I’ve never had a great memory. I’m terrible at remembering birthdays and rarely know the lyrics of songs, despite the fact that I may have been singing them on and off for over 30 years. However, middle age has now brought the curse of not being able to remember why I came into a room. The kitchen is the favourite here and it often doubles up as I remember why I’m there – to get something out of a cupboard – but can’t remember what the something was that I was getting.
Hair growth. If you’re wondering, yes, this is a strange thing to include in the same piece as a bit where I worried about hair loss. But that my friends is the weird and ‘wonderful’ world of growing into middle age. Sometimes, everything’s a conundrum! Suffice to say, since the onset of middle age I seem to be sprouting hair in places where I don’t really want it. Firstly, I have more back hair than I’d like. It’s not a great deal, but I’d prefer none really. I’ve always been quite hairy anyway, but my back seems to have decided to play catch up with my chest, arms and legs over the last few years. My eyebrows too have gone rogue. The hair there is just taking on a life of its own and I’m finding myself having to trim it regularly to stop it encroaching up my forehead. And then, there’s my nose. Not just hair in there, but growing on the outside too and while both have been a constant in adult life, it would seem that they’re now just heading into some form unwanted of overdrive! Believe me, shaving the outside of your nose is no fun whatsoever!
A realisation of my uselessness. I’m not really useless. There are lots of things that I can do and lots that I’m actually good at. However, what worries me is far more fundamental. The older I get, the more I’m finding that the essential ‘man stuff’ is a bit beyond me. There’s just loads of stuff that I cannot do. Let me explain. Recently, one of the spotlight bulbs in our bathroom stopped working. This wasn’t a problem. They were easy to change, I’d heard. Just press on the outside, it’ll drop down from the ceiling and you pop the bulb out and put another in. Except ours didn’t. Naturally though, being a bloke, I couldn’t resist a half hour struggle with it first, which succeeded in me breaking the unit leaving it now dangling from the ceiling! The springs to hold the unit in place were either left dangling with the light or flew off into the loft which meant a long time spent crawling around our loft space trying to find them amongst the insulation. No fun, dear reader, no fun! Suffice to say, another two bulbs went soon after, leaving us with one working spotlight. It turned out that our electrician had fitted the less than easy to change versions and only after several trips to YouTube was I able to figure it out and even then fixing it all was far from easy. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so frustrated. Add to my spotlight woe the fact that I won’t go near electrics having electrocuted myself quite badly in the past, I don’t like speaking to people on the phone and that I can’t change a tyre and I’m stuck in middle age feeling pretty useless!

It seems really unfair that just because you get to this stage in life that a million unexpected things start to happen to you. I mean, the health worries have been more than enough and I thought all the awkward changes I needed had come in puberty. I imagined my next stop was pensionable age and all that would happen would be fully expected! This present pit stop is not at all enjoyable!

Anyway, less moaning and more positivity. I’m still here and most of my hair is still its natural colour! Until next time…

Book Review: ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ by John Cooper Clarke

If you know of him, John Cooper Clarke comes under a number of aliases. The Poet Laureate of Punk, the Bard of Salford, the punk poet…he’s even sometimes referred to as Dr. John Cooper Clarke. If you don’t know of him, well it’s best you start with the viewpoint that the man is a star. A poet, a raconteur and an entertainer. And as we find out in ‘I Wanna Be Yours’, he can’t half tell a story!

As such, you’d expect his autobiography to be quite the read. And you wouldn’t be disappointed. Having read it recently in fact, I was actually pleasantly surprised at just how ‘eventful’ his life has been, as the book went way beyond my expectations. I thought I knew a few things about the man who’s considered a bit of a national treasure these days, but on reading the book I found that there are layers upon layers to this fella’s life story. What a treat!

Now aged 75, Cooper Clarke is best known as a poet, although in recent years he’s managed to light up several TV panel shows with his wit, humour and way with words. And it’s his gift for language that makes ‘I Wanna Be Yours’ so eminently readable. The sharp delivery meant that I read the whole thing hearing Cooper Clarke’s voice in my head, which for me made the whole thing all the more memorable.

The book takes us through his early years as a sickly child in Manchester where in fact, a dose of tuberculosis meant that he was moved to the North Wales coast to live with relatives in the hope that the sea air would aid his recovery. Once back in Manchester, we hear of a multitude of adventures as Cooper Clarke grows up and eventually begins to get into clothes and music, slowly honing the look for which he’d become famous in later life.

Eventually, with a bit of luck, a good deal of hard graft and not without one or two setbacks along the way, John finds that he has a gift for entertaining people. And so begins quite the extraordinary tale of a bit of a legend.

This is a brilliant book with any number of twists and turns, a whole host of bizarre and incredible tales and no shortage of surprises. So while I was fully aware of Cooper Clarke’s influence on bands such as The Arctic Monkeys, I certainly wasn’t expecting the likes of Bernard Manning to put in an appearance! And then as I carried on reading and found out about his close associations with the likes of Nico and Linton Kwesi Johnson, I was more than a little bit blown away! But that’s the thing about a life like Cooper Clarke’s and in turn this book; there’s never a page wasted, there’s always something curious or funny or just downright mindblowing around the corner.

A genuinely funny man, with a great turn of phrase, Cooper Clarke’s words will inevitably raise a smile and leave you in fits of laughter at times too. But for all of the light there are many moments of shade and the book – and John’s life – has sad moments too alongside many murky tales of Cooper Clarke’s own drug addictions. But even here, it’s all told with such candour and black humour that I found myself not really batting an eyelid and simply accepting that it had all added to the rich tapestry that I’d been reading about.

In the end, I was left wondering if at times, I’d been had. Surely there are more than a few tall tales and embellishments along the way in the book? However, on reflection I decided that either I didn’t really care – I mean wherever the truth lies, this was an amazing read – or more likely, it was all probably very much true. Because, whether it be looking after somebody’s monkey in Amsterdam and just ducking and diving while looking for your next fix of heroin, it could well have all happened to only one man; John Cooper Clarke.

Whether you know of his legend or not, this is a book I’d thoroughly recommend.

I give ‘I Wanna Be Yours’

Gallowgate Cult Heroes; Number 9 Craig Bellamy.

To this day, and despite him having a chequered past as far as Newcastle United are concerned, Craig Bellamy remains one of my favourite players ever to wear the shirt. Sure, he left in controversial circumstances and with his reputation in tatters in the eyes of lots of us. But, let’s face it, anyone could have fallen out with Graeme Souness and for the 4 years that he was at the club Bellamy was largely electric to watch. Playing in Bobby Robson’s sides that also featured the likes of Shearer, Speed, Robert, Lee, Dyer and Solano it was Bellamy who got me off my seat more often than not.

Bellamy was signed by Sir Bobby Robson in the summer of 2001 for £6.5m from Coventry City. It was a case of us finally getting our man and also of Craig getting his wish. We’d been looking to sign him the previous summer, but without an agent Craig somewhat bizarelly found himself being talked into the move to Coventry by John Fashanu who had decided to involve himself in the talks after a chance meeting with Bellamy’s financial advisor! Bellers preferred the move to Newcastle, but felt pressured to sign with Coventry and so had to wait until the following season and Coventry’s relegation to get his wish.

Bellamy arrived with a reputation as a bit of a bad egg. I remember reading a story at the time about the senior pros when he was at Norwich locking him in the coach toilet on the way back from an away game just to shut him up! And his time at Newcastle wasn’t short of controversy either. But more of that later.

For me, there are two abiding memories when it comes to performance, with Craig Bellamy. The first came in his first Tyne Wear derby at St. James’ Park in 2001. We’d gone behind to an early Kevin Phillips header and then Bellamy struck. After a bit of a skirmish in central midfield, Lauren Robert emerged with the ball at his feet and looked up before scooping a timely pass forward for Bellamy to run onto. He easily outpaced the defender, nodded the ball down and then finished with a beautiful strike from just inside the area past the mackem keeper. In was in the Gallowgate on Level 7 that day and went suitably mental. They’d call it ‘limbs’ nowadays, no doubt. It was just people celebrating back in 2001! We couldn’t quite get the win that day, but the relief when Bellamy scored was tangible.

The other lasting on field memory for me would be the last second winner in the Champions League against Feyenoord in 2002. He scored the first in added time in the first half, but the best was yet to come. Having taken a 2-0 lead, we were pegged back late in the game – a typical Newcastle-like collapse. And then, Bellers popped up again, in the 91st minute. Kieron Dyer’s effort was saved and the when the keeper parried the ball wide of the post it looked like the chance had gone. Somehow though, Bellamy got to the rebound and hit it goalwards, the ball going in off the keeper. We’d just become the first team ever to qualify from our group having lost our first three games. Cue bedlam. I wasn’t there that night and watched it on the telly, like a lot of other Mags, but I’ll never forget it!

I loved the way Bellamy played. All pace and raw energy, I don’t think I’d ever seen a forward as quick. He was like a little wasp, always bothering defenders, always involved and always likely to get on the end of a decent through ball. He struck up a useful partnership with Alan Shearer, but also worked well with the likes of Dyer and Robert. But he played on the edge at all times and was generally a yellow card – at least – waiting to happen. In fact, I seem to remember a time when for several games in a row it felt like the whole ground were shushing him in unison as he made his mouth go again to a referee!

Issues off the field would be Bellamy’s downfall at Newcastle. There are loads of stories to choose from. The multitude of red and yellow cards. Throwing a chair at John Carver at Newcastle airport springs to mind. And of course the fall out with Souness when Bellamy refused to play on the left against Arsenal, which eventually led to him leaving the club. The best part of that particular tale, by the way, was Bellamy doing a live interview on Sky after the game and telling them that Souness had ‘gone behind my back and lied to my face’! I mean, which was it, Craig? Personally though, whatever had actually happened, I’d have had Bellers back and got rid of Souness, but there you go!

The best of the negative stories has to be of a fleeting fall out with Sir Bobby Robson though. Apparently, in a team meeting as Bellamy kept complaining at being the first player subbed every game, Bobby eventually snapped, telling him to shut up, before adding, ‘I’ll squash you like an ant.’ But it got better as Robson then asked, ‘Who are you? Ronaldo, Romario, Stoichkov, Hagi, Guardiola, Luis Enrique, Gascoigne? These are the people I deal with. And who are you?’ Bellers could only reply with, ‘He’s got a point!’

In total, Bellamy made 93 appearances over 4 seasons for Newcastle, scoring 28 goals. He left under a bit of a cloud and would come back to haunt us many times later in his career with the likes of Blackburn, Liverpool and Manchester City. However, for the time he spent at the Toon, for many of us he became a real cult hero. As I said earlier, one of my favourite Newcastle players ever.

What are your views of Bellamy’s time at Newcastle? And do you have any stories of his many misdemeanours?