Middle Age Fanclub

Poetry Blog: ‘Every day, a walk’

I wrote this poem because I’ve become a little bit obsessed with walking. If you don’t know, I had a pacemaker fitted in November and as a result, I’m trying to work my way back to fitness and some kind of normality.

At the time of writing the poem, I was walking every day, like the title suggests. I couldn’t run, because the pacemaker was too uncomfortable and I just wasn’t well enough, so I settled for walking. However, Christmas got in the way of that, so now that my recovery is quieter again and my kids have gone back to school, I walk…every day. I’m building up to running again.

I got so obsessed with walking in the lead up to Christmas that I would get quite grumpy – or more accurately, more grumpy than usual – if I wasn’t able to get out. And I would be out whatever the weather too, because I came to depend on the routine of it all and it was proving a more than adequate substitute for long runs. Furthermore, it gave me time to think about what was going on in my life.

Anyway, it was only a matter of time until I wrote a poem about it. When something takes up such a big space in my life, I tend to write about it. As you’ll see with my next poem, ‘Taking Out The Bins’. Just kidding…

Every day, a walk.

Every day, a walk.
Some days you feel like you're fighting back,
others, like death warmed up.
Almost all, you're glad to be alive.
Whether breathless
or jelly legged,
alone with your thoughts
or in company and chattering away
about anything and everything,
swaddled like a newborn against the biting cold
in your big coat
that she zips up for you, because you cannot,
dazed by the noise or the light,
or the breeze,
bruised but not battered,
tweaked but not torn,
smiling, but not quite as happy as you'd like to be
and always, always tired.
Every day, a walk.

My first walk after surgery came two days after getting home from hospital. Down one street and back up another. I was utterly shattered when I got home.

At that time, I couldn’t dress myself properly, such was the restriction on my movement from the scarring and bruising around the site of my pacemaker. So not only did my wife have to zip up my coat, she had to put my hat on and do my laces too! Then she reversed the process when we got back home. Her reward was to watch me fall asleep on the settee!

I’ve gradually got stronger since then. Some walks feel great, while others are an absolute grind! Today’s, for instance, felt horrendous and I was out of breath and staggering a little having not gone far at all. There are good days and bad days though and hopefully tomorrow’s a bit better!

The final thing on this particular poem is just to mention that it came out of thinking the title out loud. I said it as I walked through the door from a walk one morning and liked it, so I quickly scribbled some ideas down and out of that came a poem! Funny, how inspiration can strike!

As ever, I hope you enjoyed the poem and always appreciate any comments, so feel free to leave one.

Fighting fit: The mind boggles!

As I write, it’s been 62 days since having my pacemaker fitted. A rough estimate puts that at 1492 hours or 89,543 minutes. That’s a lot of time to think. A lot of time to worry, to feel low or even just to find yourself giving up. However, there have been positives in that time too and I hope that from today, I’m going to start feeling the positives outweigh the negatives.

My last ‘fighting fit’ update was a few weeks ago. In the time since then there have been good and bad days. Christmas and New Year came and went and if anything, they slowed my progress down. Not only was my diet a bit worse, but the festivities take up so much of our time that I didn’t manage to fit in anywhere near enough exercise. Turns out no one wants to wander slowly around the streets keeping an eye on a wobbly, wheezing middle aged man dressed in a long coat and a bobble hat when there’s Christmas films to be watched or left over turkey knocking around.

However, I enjoyed both Christmas and New Year. We managed to see some family and despite the fact that my kids are a bit older now – 13 and 16 – it was still nice to see them open their presents. And I always enjoy seeing what my wife makes of the gifts that I’ve bought her. It’s nice to give gifts and it was nice this year that I bought my wife something she really wouldn’t have expected, but really liked. It was a print based around The Fairytale of New York, her favourite Christmas song. If you’re a music fan and enjoy artwork you might want to check out where it’s from – www.stuffbymark.co.uk – his art really is ace!

Once all of the celebrations were out of the way and the kids were back at school, there was a lot to think about. Given the return of a quiet house, the bonus of having the ability to think returned too! My main conclusion has been that I need to do more exercise and to do it regularly if I’m going to get my normal life back.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve had a few more visits to my favourite park and gone back to look at the two animal sculptures. This time I made sure to read the inscriptions and one of them gave me a lovely glowing feeling. It was on the Harry the Hare sculpture and it was about the fact that a local business had commissioned it. One line in particular got me. It just read, “For the people of Morley.” What a great gift! I hope others appreciate it and take time out to go and have a look. It’s literally a work of art! Whether it’ll succumb to vandalism, who knows? But I sincerely hope not. Anyway, here he is below.

And here’s the owl that I visited again the next time I was in the park.

The mental side of my recovery is something I’ve found really tough going. I’m not used to being poorly and not used to being unable to do the things I want to, physically. I’ve found it all very frustrating. I enjoy my work, but haven’t been in since all of this started. Furthermore, I’m faced with another month off sick now too. It’s led me to see pretty low days and I joined an online support group to see if it would help me.

Talking about my problems isn’t really me, but I’ve managed to ask a few questions and listen to what other people have been through and it’s really helped. Apart from anything else, it’s comforting to know that there are lots of people going through the same as me and lots of them who know a lot more than me and are happy to pass on advice.

The support group has also encouraged me to read a bit about pacemakers and what’s happened to me and that’s been a real positive. It was explained in hospital and on the visit to the cardiologist, but I suppose understandably, I didn’t really take it all in. Anyway, reading about my pacemaker and its genius has really made my mind boggle. It’s about the size of a matchbox but it has the technology to store a ton of data about what’s going on in there, while also pretty much making my heart work properly. I guess we shouldn’t be that surprised by the capability of modern medical technology…but I still am.

Another form of support came as a Christmas gift. My daughter bought me the book below – with her own money for the first time ever – and told me it was so that I could read it and not feel like I was going through it alone. Even typing that feels emotional, so you can imagine how I felt on Christmas day!

It’s quite a remarkable book by a poet called David Toms, who was born with a rare heart condition and faced up to his problems in many ways. In the book he talks a lot about the power of walking and, as this is something I do a lot, I could really relate to his story. He also eventually had to get a pacemaker, so what he had to say about that felt really useful too. Reading the book also helped me to see that I could get through what’s going on with me. David Toms has faced up to a great deal more than I have and despite whatever setbacks or challenges, he’s found the strength to just keep going. So, keep going is exactly what I’ll do.

I’m beginning to realise how long it’s going to take me to feel better both physically and mentally. Two months on and I’m still tired out very easily, especially compared to the way I was before and the level of fitness I had. The area around my pacemaker and my scar is still sore and my movement still restricted and I’m left breathless much more often than I’d like. And mentally, testing myself out terrifies me, but I’m just so incredibly frustrated by how weak I feel. Even when I get back to the normality of work, I know that I’ll still be nowhere near fitness and nowhere near feeling confident. It seems it’s going to be a long road.

And with that, I promise to update you whenever something interesting happens. Fingers crossed that it’s not any kind of setback though!

Another FA Cup nightmare: About last night…

If you’re a Newcastle fan of a certain vintage, you’ll have half expected that result last night. Similarly, if you’re of a certain mindset when it comes to our club, nothing really shocks you anymore. So crashing out of the FA Cup in an early round to lower league opposition is all part of the deal really. But it doesn’t make it any more palatable.

If the truth be told, I’m gutted. In fact, I’m almost thankful for my present health worries, otherwise I’d have really fixated on what we all watched unfold last night. At least I’ve got genuinely better, more important things to think about, even if they are a right royal pain in the arse.

I love the FA Cup though. Despite the many changes over the years, for me it still feels special. Newcastle United have played a big part in the history and the drama of the cup over the years, with a chunk of that being hugely positive. In my lifetime though, it’s been largely negative and at times it’s felt like a competition where we actively strive to plumb new depths. As I said, I was gutted to go out early again.

Last night was the just latest in a long list of underwhelming episodes. After all, we’ve won only four of our last ten third round ties with three of those victories coming after replays. It’s not even a new phenomenon for Eddie Howe, having watched his team go out with a whimper this time last year against Cambridge United. And oh, how football fans loved that one as the ‘richest club in the world’ were beaten by a team where the city is more well known for its university than anything else.

For me, there’s no need for anger after this latest failure. Embarrassment, yes but no point in getting irate and filming yourself shouting at a phone or a webcam all red faced, sweary and reduced to making noises rather than forming sentences. Please, leave that to fans of Arsenal or Everton or that daft mackem that dresses like an 11=year=old and spends lots of time in his videos with his head in his hands making noises like a tortured animal. If you insist on being that Toon fan though, then maybe up your life insurance premium and do some reading about heart health. Shouting and screaming like a child isn’t going to change what is really just a bump in the road.

Eddie Howe said that he thought “the performance was ok” and was of the opinion that we had more than enough chances to win the game. He was right, as he is most of the time. We had a number of good chances that on another night we would have converted and gone home happy. It’s still a worry that we missed so many sitters though. It was the same story against Leeds and to a lesser extent Arsenal and it’s to be hoped that it doesn’t continue.

For me, a bigger worry was the passing. We gave the ball away far too much and wasted possession on a number of occasions. Given that we made eight changes that might be expected, but changed team or not, these players train together every day and most of those who came into the side have been regularly involved this season. It wasn’t like Eddie had thrown a load of kids in. Even the bench looked solid last night and personally I’d have liked to have seen the likes of Turner Cooke and Stephenson given another chance. However, as the coach of an Under 14 team that are currently bottom of their league with no points and a heavily negative goal difference, I have no wish to offer Eddie Howe and Jason Tindall any footballing advice whatsoever. If only certain NUFC related Twitter accounts would take note…

A few players stood out and strengthened the argument for greater squad depth. And while not wishing to dig people out and come across like one of the ‘I told you so’ brigade that lurk around every corner of social media, it’d be remiss of me not to mention them.

I love Matt Ritchie. He’s been my favourite player since Nobby Solano and I think he’s been absolutely vital for the survival of the club in recent years. He’s one of those lads that’s come in and shown that he gets it. He understands the fans and loves the club. However, his presence in the starting eleven last night was indicative of our lack of depth. I actually thought his performance was pretty solid, but having steeled myself for his departure over the last few windows, I was surprised to see him starting.

It’s a similar story with Jacob Murphy. I actually rate him and I think he’s done well when called upon this season. Last night was pretty much an abomination from him though. He just didn’t seem to be able to do anything right. It felt like he gave the ball away far too much and as ever there was a huge question over his decision making with him repeatedly hanging onto the ball for a few seconds too long when there was an obvious pass just yards away. As for his finishing, let’s just say last night wasn’t his first rodeo in terms of missed one on ones. He was a young player that promised much when he signed. He’s not anymore and I for one haven’t a clue where his future lies.

Jamal Lewis was another that promised much when he signed. And while I have sympathy for a player that was so obviously ruined by the previous regime and its emphasis on neglecting training and tactics in favour of days off, it saddens me to say that he just doesn’t look good enough. The lad just looks terrified every time he sets foot on the pitch and it’s just not working out for him as a Newcastle player. I thought he might turn into one of those players that Eddie performed an Eddie miracle on, but sadly, it doesn’t look likely. And if he can’t cut it against League one opposition, then he’s never going to cut the mustard.

I was also disappointed with Elliot Anderson last night, but I firmly believe that his time will come as he seems to have obvious quality. Prior to the game I’d read some of Eddie’s comments about Anderson and the fact that he’s had niggling injuries and illness this season and maybe that was exactly what we watched last night; a player struggling for consistency in a stop start season.

And then there was the elephant in the room: Chris Wood. I’m not keen to say anything too bad and his history in the Premier League suggests that there’s a player in there, but maybe we all have to admit that he’s not got the quality we’re going to need if this team is to keep evolving. It feels like there’s a glaring miss from him with every appearance and perhaps it’s a confidence issue. But perhaps that’s just me being kind for the sake of it. Last night’s glaring miss felt horrible and on the end of a sweeping move like that one was, what you want is a clinical finisher. It wasn’t a particularly difficult finish and if we really are going to win something in the next few years – or ever again – then we need a quality of player that doesn’t miss sitters like that.

So, when push comes to shove, last night just wasn’t good enough. But a bit of perspective is clearly needed here and thankfully I’m not the only one who can remind you that we’re still in the Quarter Final of the Carabao Cup and that we’re third in the league (third, man!) and firmly in the hunt for a place in Europe next season. Everything about our club is on the up, everyone is together and we are at the very start of what promises to be an exciting future. Sheffield Wednesday pretty much deserved the win. Let’s leave it at that, not get too down and look forward to what’s still to come.

Film Review: ‘Another Round’

‘Another Round’, directed by Thomas Vinterberg and starring Mads Mikkelsen is a Danish language film that investigates the fine line between enhancing your life experiences and ruining them entirely.

When actual science gives you permission to have a couple of drinks every day, that’s a chance that most of us would take, right? So, when four bored Danish teachers discover that, according to a psychiatrist called Finn Skarderud, life is just better when your alcohol levels are kept at a certain level, they’re happy enough to take the plunge. I mean, surely when you’re pleasantly tipsy all the time life really is a just a lot more bearable.

When Nikolaj (Magnus Millang) suggests to his friends that they’ll enjoy life more with a constant blood alcohol content of 0.05%, it doesn’t take them too long to agree to give it a try. I mean, boys will be boys, eh? And each one of them has their problems in life, so it’s eventually an easy enough decision to make.

Our main character Martin (Mads Mikkelsen) is stuck in a rut with both his teaching and his marriage. Nikolaj himself has a new baby and a young family, so the stress of everyday life make Skarderud’s theory almost too good to resist. And then there’s single Peter (Lars Ranthe) who just has nothing much to lose and elder statesman Tommy (Thomas Bo Larsen) who simply seems to be looking for an excuse to get drunk.

‘Another Round’ veers between serious issues and serious fun; as you’d possibly expect with four friends intent on keeping their blood alcohol content up. At first, their experiment is positive. They’re all more relaxed and seem to be suddenly enjoying life much more than before. Martin’s classes are going brilliantly and he’s enjoying teaching more than he has in years and Tommy is coaching his football team with some success, despite the alcohol making him slightly more ‘shouty’ on the touchline than usual. And so, the lads decide to up the ante somewhat, adding more alcohol content to their blood and beginning to flout their own rules in the process.

The characters here are great. Not only did four teachers drinking on the job take me back to my own school days, when I suspect that kind of thing had to have been rife, especially in schools like mine, but it exposed some very interesting people. We’re on Martin’s side, regardless of the drinking. Mikkelsen presents us with someone who just seems to be a good bloke who’s lost his way a little bit and I’m guessing that lots of can relate to this. Nikolaj and Peter are great fun and Tommy provides us with something more complex and dark.

The film will give you lots of laughs, as you’d probably expect when you’re watching four men lose their inhibitions via a campaign of prolonged day drinking! There’s plenty of messing around while drunk and even a bit of phenomenal jazz ballet dancing, which was not only unexpected, but a thing that I previously didn’t even know existed. But while you get all of the tomfoolery that you might expect from four drunk men who you could argue possibly just need to grow up, the film has a much darker side to it, which crops up on a few occasions through the action before hitting hard near the end.

However, despite the darkness, I’d like to think that the overall message of the film is that we sometimes need to relax a little more; let go and to not to get too bogged down with everyday stress. Whether that’s by adding a constant stream of alcohol is a matter that I’ll let you decide on. Each to their own…

I’d thoroughly recommend ‘Another Round’. It’s a film that will easily give you a few laughs, while retaining the ability to bring a tear to the eye. With the hilarity of several drunken nights and days out mixed in with ideas about friendship and how we might find happiness in life, I’d say that you won’t go far wrong in giving it a go.

I give ‘Another Round’

Eddie’s Mags: About last night…

Tuesday January 3rd 2023 might well go down in footballing history. Newcastle fans may well remember it for the fact that we kept our sixth clean sheet in a row, with Nick Pope equalling the club record for such a feat. We might also remember it for the fact that we gained a hard earned point against an Arsenal side who many are beginning to view as serious title contenders.

Apparently though, according to a lot of what I’ve read online and to an extent from the reaction of Sky pundits last night, football fans will remember last night as the night that Newcastle United invented what some will refer to as shithousing, others will label cheating and a few will term game-management. And let’s not forget that it was also the night that Dan Burn single-handedly (pardon the pun) invented shirt pulling.

In fact, what actually seems to have happened is that we put yet more noses out of joint. Once again, we kept up our record of not rolling over in the face of one of the top clubs (you know, the ones that didn’t want to stay in this league not so long ago). We showed grit, determination and grafted like tigers. And yes, we employed some tactics that you might say weren’t in the spirit of the game, but then who doesn’t do that these days? I’ve watched football for a long time and if someone’s going to tell me that shirt pulling doesn’t happen at corners, goalkeepers don’t regularly take their time with goal kicks and that players don’t bend the ear of refs in order to gain an advantage, then I’d seriously question their eyesight.

It can’t be that we can happily let Manchester City get away with those ‘tactical fouls’ we’ve all heard about. We can’t just be expected to allow the likes of Salah and Kane to throw themselves to the floor at even the hint of a touch from an opposing player. And you surely can’t believe that VAR should consistently favour the bigger clubs and that pressure can only be put on refs and fourth officials by a select group of managers and players?

Last night, Newcastle United did the kind of things that teams have been getting away with for a long, long time. I know that some of our fans were outraged at Leeds doing it against us just the other day too, but they need to approach the season with a little more realism as well. Everyone does it. We’ve had to grind out results for a long time now. Pardew’s teams did it, as did Rafa’s. And let’s not forget that it was Plan A, B and C for Steve Bruce as well as for Dalglish and Sounness on a regular basis.

Before the game, I think many fans and pundits imagined that Arsenal would make quick work of us. They’d put us in our place. And that feeling would have increased substantially given how quickly they started the game. But we defended like…well, we defended like Newcastle United this season. It was funny to hear Dan ‘ShirtPuller’ Burn intimating that we can’t be expected to just let big clubs beat us because that must be exactly how a lot of us fans feel. Before kick off, Sky reminded us that we’d been beaten 7-3 at the Emirates not too long ago. Plucky Newcastle, having a go and getting precisely nothing out of the game, then being laughed at for conceding seven. I think I prefer the kind of team display that got us a point last night. It was a joy to watch. Sorry, Arsenal fans.

Let’s not forget that Arsenal committed their fair share of fouls. Dan Burn was furious that we weren’t awarded a penalty when his shirt was pulled and he was hauled to the ground in the box in the first half. This of course, was highly mysterious, given that Dan himself hadn’t even invented shirt-pulling yet. Our law abiding opposition also picked up a number of yellow cards, with Granit Xhaka being fortunate to stay on the field after one foul too many. Lucky for him that the ref had lost the plot a good while previously.

If these big clubs and top teams are so good though, they’ll surely be able to play through whatever they’re faced with. Yet, I don’t remember Arsenal cutting through us too much last night. Nick Pope made one save of note, our defenders made blocks, but that is simply a group of footballers doing their jobs, surely? Having watched a bit of Arsenal this season the song they sing about centre half William Saliba hasn’t escaped my attention. Do they sing that on repeat because he’s a good defender who defends well or just because his name fits a song and they’re happy enough to pat themselves on the back because they think they’re funny?

As it happens, Eddie’s Mags showed a side we actually all knew about last night. Six clean sheets on the bounce and the meanest defence in the league suggests that defensively, we’re very good. We haven’t just defended well against Arsenal. We’ve defended well everywhere we’ve been this season. So the outrage that I’ve seen online this morning and on the touchline last night is laughable really. They said that Eddie Howe couldn’t organise a defence and now that it seems they were wrong and that he can, those same people are crying. Grow up.

What happened last night was that one team adapted to get something from the game, while the other team didn’t. No outrage required.

New Year’s (quiet) resolutions!

It’s that time of year again. Time to put the last one behind you and start kidding yourself that everything will be a great deal better for the next 365 days simply because one year rolled over into the next one. A new year, a fresh start, time to make some changes and all that.

As it happens, things have been so bad for me lately that the turn of the year is actually just convenient for change in my life. My previously documented health problems mean that things need to change and I’m now just about well enough to start changing them. On top of that, I think I can be more than hopeful that next year will be far better than this one was!

I’m keen not to set myself too many big targets though, hence the quiet resolutions. And I know that there are previous targets and goals that I’ve set and then never really done anything about, so I’ll stick to a manageable number this year. I mean, it’s still very early in the year and healthwise, I already feel shattered, so let’s keep things in perspective!

Here goes…

Stop keeping secrets. An important one, this. It’s not me blatantly telling anyone who reads that they can’t trust me, by the way. However, I kept my heart problems to myself last year, in the hope that they’d go away and that I wouldn’t have to bother anyone. Fat lot of good that did me! Hopefully, there won’t be much to report, but if there’s any action in my chest, I’ll be sure to let someone know. Anything more and I’ll blab to the nearest medical professional. Common sense, I know, but that’s not always been my strong point where health is concerned.
Get fit…again. Heart problems blighted last year for me, culminating with time spent in hospital and the shock of having to have a pacemaker fitted. It’s been a long recuperation and it’s left me feeling decidedly unfit and still pretty poorly. I’m breathless and wobbly on my feet if we walk too far! Just before Christmas though, my cardiologist gave the all clear to start running again, albeit really gradually. I’ll freely admit that this is something that scares the living daylights out of me, but once I find a bit of courage, I’ll be back out there getting fit. Hopefully, come the Spring time, I can start taking part in races again. Baby steps for now though. I’ll keep you posted!
Get healthy and stay that way. I’ve been off work now for around 7 weeks and to be honest, while I know when my latest sick note ends, I’m really not sure when I’ll be well enough to go back to work, although I hope it’s sooner rather than later. And then there’s the matter of getting back to normal life. It’s not just been about being off work. If I run upstairs, I’m out of breath. If my clothes are too tight, I struggle to get them on or off and it hurts to do so. Tying my laces still hurts. If I take one thing too many out of the cupboard, I struggle with the weight on my left hand side. I can’t think fast and I struggle to get my words out quite frequently; I don’t know why. And I’m genuinely quite scared when I feel any kind of activity in my chest. So it’s not just the physical side of things that need to get better. It’s all too easy to tell people that you’re ‘getting there’ or whatever other platitude I might use when asked how I’m doing, but I’m not coping anywhere near as well as I’d like. So, getting healthy is going to continue to be a big old job!
Finally send some poetry to somewhere other than my blog. I’ve had this ambition for a while now, but although I write poems on a fairly regular basis, I always seem to end up just adding them to my blog. I’ve resolved to enter some poetry competitions before now, as well as looking into sending stuff into literary magazines. I’ve just never found the time or I suppose, the courage to do it. However, I have a few things that I’m working on at the moment and a few finished poems that I’ve done nothing with, so 2023 has to be the year that I break my duck in this area.

And that’s that. Part of me wishes I had a fifth resolution, just because it looks like a better number. But then, if I’m trying to lessen the burden a little bit, adding a fifth would just be counter-productive and I’d be even less inclined to actually do anything about it. Anyway, that top three is going to keep me pretty busy, I reckon!

I’ll keep you posted about how things are going. In the meantime, perhaps you could let me know about your own resolutions in the comments? Maybe someone might yet inspire that fifth one for me!

Fighting fit; an occasional diary.

Last time I wrote one of these diary entry style posts I was getting fitter and stronger as I was able to get out walking every day. Not far, but enough to keep myself ticking over and gaining in fitness. I’d also grown a beard, simply because my circumstances meant that I couldn’t shave and finally, I was having trouble sleeping. So, in short, I was writing a diary entry about how mind-numbingly boring life was in recovering from an operation!

Well, I’m not sure it’s got anymore exciting.

A couple of weeks ago I had a little bit of a set back, albeit in terms of the rough plan I had in my head. With only a week to go of my sick note from work I rang them and tentatively agreed that I’d be back teaching at the start of January. It was more my call than theirs, to be fair. Sadly though, only a few days later, having spoken to my doctor, I was forced to call them back and let them know that I’d had to arrange another month long sick note. I had a really rough weekend, feeling tired all of the time, sick and still in quite a bit of pain from my scarring. It simply dawned on me that I was rushing things far too much. I spoke to some friends, family and people who’d had similar procedures and they reminded me of just how much I’d been through and that it wasn’t just a case of getting fit enough to go out for a walk that would get me back to normal life. My doctor agreed and was more than happy to renew my sick note and so, I bowed to the greater knowledge before me and made probably the best decision I’d made in years. I’m not very good at just resting, but I’ve realised that I need to stop rushing things too. I’m discovering that patience is key in this recovery business!

Since then, there’s been a real disruption to my safe little routine by way of Christmas and all that comes with preparing for big day. I’ve not been able to do a great deal in terms of decorating the house or going out on shopping trips to get what Santa’s elves can’t make, but I’ve been able to join in with some of the wrapping, despite my very limited wrapping skills. Truth is, I wrap presents like a moody child in a hurry to do anything but wrap presents, but needs must I suppose.

I also managed to fit in two hospital visits, both of which threw my routine out , but more of that later.

All of this has meant that my daily walks have stopped. In fact, before today, my last walk was on 15th December, meaning that some of the fitness that I’d built up has probably been lost.

However, before that I’d been managing to get out for a walk every day and for the last week of doing so we’d had some lovely weather too. For a couple of those days I ventured up to one of our local parks simply because it would mean walking a little bit further than I’d been managing and also as I knew it would look lovely in the sun, as you can see below. Being in the park felt lovely though; a great deal better than just sticking to the streets close to where I live. So, even though I was really tired out just getting there, it was well worth it…even if when I walked there for the second day in succession my legs felt like jelly and I had to have a sit down on a park bench for a short while just to make sure that I’d get home in one piece!

The plan now that Christmas is out of the way though, is to start getting back out there and making the most of the fresh air. I found some new sculptures of animals (pictured below) on one of my park visits and am assured that there are more, so I’m definitely going to head up and explore again, all in the name of fitness!

The final major thing that’s happened over the last few weeks is the hospital visits. My first was a pacemaker clinic just over a week before Christmas. It only took around 30 minutes, but in that time the specialist was able to let me know that there had been no drama since I’d left hospital. She adjusted my pacemaker a little bit in order to help with my breathlessness and told me a little bit about its battery life and function and I left feeling pretty good about it all. It’s fascinating stuff when you see that they just drape a wand-like piece of machinery over your shoulder which then reads the data off your pacemaker. The kind of technology that makes me feel even older!

Then, almost a week later and a few days before Christmas, I went in for an appointment with a cardiologist. It turned out that this was actually to do with a previous problem, but when he saw my notes and learned of my procedure, he was able to talk me through quite a bit about what was going on, which was great.

It was quite the good news day. Firstly, he told me that there was no damage to my heart. Apparently my problem is merely ‘electrical’ in that my pacemaker cells haven’t been controlling the rhythm of my heart very well at all. Hence, the need for my pacemaker. Although I’d been told this in hospital it was still comforting to know as I’d had some of the symptoms of a heart attack on more than one occasion leading up to my time in hospital. But, it seems I’m made of stronger stuff than I’d thought!

The other bit of good news was that I was told to work my way off my beta blockers, which have been fairly responsible for me feeling so rough and tired all of the time. So for now, I have a half a tablet per day, but soon I’ll leave them behind altogether. In turn, this means that I’ll be able to go out running fairly soon, although I’m happy to force myself to wait until I feel as right as possible until I actually do it. If I’ve learnt one thing in all of this it’s that I need to start listening to my body more and to stop being so eager to be on the move all of the time. That said though, I cannot wait to get out and run again. My last run was on October 14th. After that, everything started to go downhill and within a month I was in hospital.

It’s been 50 days since I was admitted to hospital. I went in thinking I’d be back to full fitness within a few days, only to be brought crashing down to Earth by the news of a pacemaker. Fingers crossed that I’m closing in on getting back to normal.

Christmas Films: Five Underrated Gems.

It’s that time of year again. The nights have closed in, there’s a fair chance of snow and really, you should be out doing some Christmas shopping. But, out there in the not too far distance you can hear the annual call of the Christmas film. Or, if you’re American, the Christmas movie. It’s telling you to ease your way down onto the sofa, snuggle in with family or the dog, grab some snacks and something warm and cast those eyes over something you’ve seen umpteen times before.

So off you go, repeating all of the catchphrases in Elf, signing along to The Grinch and howling at the festive funnies in any or all of the Home Alones. But what do you do when you’ve exhausted those old favourites? Allow me.

I thought I’d offer you some Christmas film options that you might not have heard of or even have rejected if you’re one of those people who rely on reviews. Here, in no particular order are my 5 most underrated Christmas films!

A Christmas Carol (U). Yes, I know that this is not an unknown film. I’m more than aware of the popularity of the film and of course the Dickens novella. However, I’d suggest that you watch a different version of A Christmas Carol than you possibly already do. Lots of people will watch the animated version with Jim Carrey being brilliant as Scrooge or even the Muppets Christmas Carol. Plenty more will enjoy the brilliant old Alistair Sim version too. But what about the 1984 made for TV version starring George C. Scott as Scrooge and Edward Woodward as the Ghost of Christmas Present? I mean, the bloke who played General Patton and the bloke who played the original Equalizer! What’s not to like? Scott plays Scrooge perfectly; gruff, cold and with a little bit of a sadistic twist in the way that he seems to thoroughly enjoy telling people “Humbug!” or when he’s just scaring the bejeezuz out of random children on the street. Better still, Scott is equally brilliant in redemption, carrying Tiny Tim around town on his shoulders and laughing like a drain! And then there’s Woodward playing his ghost like some kind of deranged Yorkshire Santa Claus! Trust me, it’s great stuff and well worth a watch.
Daddy’s Home 2 (PG13). With a 6.0 out of 10 rating on IMDB and a Rotten Tomatoes score of just 21%, you might well ignore this one. But, in my opinion, you’d be missing out on some fantastic comedy and a bit of a classic Christmas tale. Co-dads Brad and Dusty (Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg) take their families away for Christmas, along with their own dads Don and Kurt, with disastrous and often hilarious, if a little bit predictable results. If you’re a fan of Will Ferrell, you’re going to get what you’d expect here and alongside the comedy, there’s a heart warming Christmas tale, just as soon as everything that could go wrong, goes wrong. A must watch for us, every year!
Fred Claus (PG). Another one where you’d be better off ignoring the reviews. This one is another 21% scorer on Rotten Tomatoes and only gets 5.6 on IMDB. However, all I can say is that the ratings are wrong. Vince Vaughn plays Santa’s slacker older brother Fred, who couldn’t give a figgy pudding for Christmas, but ends up in the North Pole against his better judgement. And just when it looks like that Christmas spirit might fall flat, Fred is there to save the day and see the light. Another family film with a big chunk of redemption running through it. A comedy with some interesting takes on what Santa’s home and workshop at the North Pole might actually be like. The kids will love the elves and hopefully you’ll laugh along too.
Arthur Christmas (PG). This time, we’re focused on Santa’s son, Arthur, who while he’s a well meaning, friendly sort of chap, is a bit of a disappointment when compared to his dad. Mind you, who wouldn’t be? So when Arthur and a team of oddballs end up on a mission to deliver one last forgotten Christmas present at the last minute, perhaps this is the very time that he proves himself worthy of the Claus name. A fantastic cast, an excellent and at times ridiculous story and some amazing animation. This is a funny and original feel good film that puts a twist on the Santa Claus story and comes out as a classic underdog tale. Well worth your viewing time.
Bramble House Christmas. A bit of a different one to end with. I suppose that in amongst the cheesiness in this film, the overall message would be something about showing good will to all men. But in between that, this one’s got a lot going on. When a wealthy man leaves his young nurse a big chunk of money in his will it leads to suspicion, fear of treachery, a mystery Christmas trip to what would appear to be the perfect town and at then end of it all, a love story. In the end, Christmas cheer is the big winner and your cheeks might just ache from all of your smiling if you’re so inclined! I like this one – even though I’m not that big on smiling – because although it’s a little bit cheesy and a little bit predictable, it’s just a nice, harmless film to watch at this time of year. A good one to watch with the kids too!

Hopefully, there’s at least one film on my list that you’ve so far overlooked, meaning that you might get the chance to add a little bit of variety to your Christmas. So here’s to, picking one out, settling down with some hot chocolate and snacks and enjoying a good, new Christmas film on me!

Ward Wisdom – Stuff I learnt in hospital

As anyone who reads my particular brand of nonsense will know, I’ve spent a little bit of time in hospital recently. And it was quite a serious situation. However, if you’ve ever spent any time on a hospital ward you’ll possibly agree with me when I say that there’s often lots to smile about.

While I was in hospital I got my wife to bring a notebook in, as you never know when inspiration might strike and I spend enough time scrawling things down on the backs of envelopes and scraps of paper. I thought it best to have somewhere where things would get written and not lost.

As well as notes on more serious articles and bits of poetry, I was able to write down the stuff that I learnt and that made me smile, knowing that as long as I could find it again there’d be something I could do with it. So, here you go; some ward wisdom for you!

The worst pain is found via the canula. After a number of heart operations, I know what it’s like to be opened up and it’s uncomfortable to say the least. It hurts while the scars and bruising are healing too. However, without doubt the worst bit accompanies the canula. This time, my canula was placed in the top of my right hand early on Monday afternoon. I thought it would be out on Monday night after they’d discharged me with some tablets. They finally took it out on Thursday afternoon about an hour before I went home! By that point my hand was bruised and every movement that my hand made caused me pain. The worst of it was when they pumped antibiotics through the canula. The nurse told me that it wouldn’t be bad. However, just before my operation and I had to really clench my teeth to try and disguise the horrible pain as the fluid went in. I’ve never faked a smile like it!

You never know what to expect on a ward at night. My first night was alright really. Quiet, apart from the bloke in the next bed who snored and talked in his sleep. Hearing him groan the words “Come on, I won’t take long” will perhaps haunt me forever and I truly hope he wasn’t having the dream that it could sound like if you use even the tiniest bit of imagination. Mid-way through the second day of my stay I remember thinking that things would be alright. My ward mates were all quiet and that would mean I could read, write or just relax without interruption. And then the bloke opposite was sent home… Cue a certain level of mayhem. I was awoken not long after midnight that night by a man with a foreign accent shouting, laughing and crying in equal measure. He was from various Eastern European countries until he finally decided that he was actually from Slovakia. And even then, he was claiming to be Romanian a couple of days later! He was unhinged for the rest of my stay on the ward, sometimes nice, friendly and polite, other times ranting and raving and even deciding to put his shoes on with his hospital issue pyjamas on a few occasions to leave the place entirely! He even befriended me a little bit and at one point claimed that the other two men on the ward got preferential treatment because they were both ‘the big boss’, while intimating that me and him were just common or garden scumbags! We’ll hear more from him later.

Medical science is incredible. My pace maker is about two inches long, stores data about my heart and while I was on the ward managed to solve my heart palpitations wirelessly! When my post op heartbeat was over 200bpm a technician appeared and told me he was just going to have a chat to my pacemaker. He did it via a laptop that looked a bit like a child’s toy. Within minutes my heart was beating normally and I was having a well deserved nap. If that doesn’t make you smile, then nothing will.

NHS staff are wonderful. When I was growing up, if anyone asked my mother what she did, she’d tell them bluntly, “I wipe people’s arses.” Why, I’ll never know. She was a dentist, after all. I’m joking. She was an auxiliary nurse and this was indeed part of her job. But it was far from what her job amounted to. Nurses wiping other people’s arses happened regularly on my ward. Not to me, I hasten to add. And it wasn’t being done by my mother either. But nurses cleaned up anything and everything that leaked out of their patients! They also lifted us, helped us walk places, provided endless cups of tea and coffee, plumped up pillows, laughed at our attempts at humour, came running every time a monitor went off (usually every ten minutes or so and usually mine!) and were relentlessly nice and caring, regardless of what they were faced with. If you live in Britain and don’t realise how amazing NHS staff are, why not?

You cannot treat a stomach ulcer with pop. This came courtesy of watching my Slovakian ward mate. When he wasn’t sleeping he was calling out. This usually took the form of moaning and sounding like he was pretending to be in a lot of pain. Then he’d beg the nurses for tablets, often asking for stuff he’d heard other patients talking about taking hours before, which given that we shared our ward with two gentlemen in their 80s, was a wide range of tablets. However, when he didn’t just get given tablets other than those already prescribed he’d throw his shoes on and leave the ward, against the nurse’s advice, returning later with several two litre bottles of bright green limeade and what looked like a bag of oranges. He’d then spend the next part of his day guzzling the limeade while demolishing the oranges. Shortly after this, he’d inevitably lie there clutching his stomach, squirming around on the bed complaining even more loudly about the amount of pain he was in. It turned out that as well as his heart trouble, he also had a stomach ulcer. And guess what? Carbonated drinks and citrus fruit are not an effective way to treat a stomach ulcer. Oh, and it also turned out that he was smuggling in paracetamol to take with all of this too! None of it worked!

Being in hospital wasn’t any fun. It was frightening, it was painful and it was mind-numbingly dull at times too. But, it’s always important to try and find something to smile about! I hope you enjoyed reading.

Poetry Blog: ‘Fog’

For around about the last month I’ve been off work, spending all day, every day at home courtesy of my latest brush with the cardiology department at my local hospital.

As part of my recovery, for almost all of the time that I’ve been at home, I’ve been going on a daily walk in order to build my fitness back up. Living in northern England means that it’s very cold at this time of year, so I’ve been forced to brave all weathers. When it’s rained and been freezing cold at the same time, it’s been horrible to walk in, especially when your body doesn’t want to be bothered. But, on days like the last couple when it’s bright and sunny, there’s something amazingly refreshing about walking in the cold.

Last week it felt like we were shrouded in fog for the entire week. It was cold, but not unbearable. In a way it was miserable too. But what struck me most was how lovely and kind of mysterious everything looked. And so it was, that while I was sat up, wide awake in the early hours of one of the mornings, I wrote a poem about the fog.

'Fog'

Looking up the hill towards town, you appear, 
a blot on the landscape,
tough shoes to fill given the presence of a paint factory 
at the side of this particular road,
but you fill them and blighting a beautiful day
you begin to strangle the light 
a creeping of the cursor down the screen,
deleting the optimism of a crisp winter's morning,
cancelling the order of light
and replacing it with not quite darkness, but a curtained haze
that disastrously alters the appearance of everything.
Later, diving out for some morning exercise
I try in vain to catch the sun through your veil, achieving only rare glimpses that turn this familiar sight
into an alien land, an unexplorable planet.
Still, it feels good to be alive, caught in the glare  of any number of incongruous headlights
and while dog walkers emerge unnervingly from the low cloud
their calls deadened by this slate grey wall,
I follow the path home to shelter once more from a different storm
and amble my way through another aimless day.

So, those particular days looked different and as a result of the fog, felt different too. In a way, the fog broke up what was becoming a bit of a boring routine, when my health meant that I wasn’t able to break it up myself. It meant plenty of opportunities to stop – and in truth, catch my breath – and just have a gaze at how unfamiliar this familiar landscape now looked. So, although I would be walking a similar distance each day, I was able to stay out a while longer!

As ever, I hope you enjoyed the poem. Feel free to leave a comment, as they’re all much appreciated!