Mental Health – Page 2 – Middle Age Fanclub

Always Look on the Bright Side; Things that made me smile in August.

August is a month where I fall out of routine. As a teacher, I’m enjoying the summer break; six weeks of work free bliss. And because of that, I rarely remember to keep up with the routines that I establish during term times, including looking for the little smile worthy positive moments in the news. So, this month, my bright sides are a bit more generalised.

Summer and a bit of a heat wave. Now, I feel it’s best to quantify the term ‘heatwave’. I live in England which is never particularly warm in comparison to a lot of other countries. However, this year, for a week or so we had a bona fide heatwave and temperatures that at times became unbearable. Why smile then, you might ask. Simple. Being without work for 6 weeks meant that I was free to sit out in the garden on such hot days and chat to family or read a book or even, if I was feeling a little more ambitious, do a bit of gardening. And it’s wonderful just to feel the warmth of the sun on your skin. In the north of England it’s easy to get used to the wind and the rain and so it’s always a reason to smile when the sun gets out in summer.

We’ve got a clean patio! Having had a lovely family holiday in Wales we returned to normal life that included the added bonus of a patio now full of weeds. We’d done some work getting them off before we’d left but when we got back home after a week it was like a mini jungle. Now, after much trowel work, boiling water pouring and sweeping our patio looks lovely and it’s been fantastic being able to sit there in the sun without wishing it wasn’t a mess. Sometimes, it’s the strangest of things that can raise a smile!

My son’s GCSE results. Despite the fact that it feels like mere minutes ago that I was regularly picking my kids up from their primary school’s after school club, they’re in fact both finished in regular education. The youngest, my son, finished Year 11 in July of this year and so picked up his GCSE results near the end of August. He passed everything, which was great, achieving excellent results in Maths, English Language and i Media. It’s obviously really stressful for everyone, especially him while waiting for the results, so knowing that he got through it all so well was more than enough reason for a bit of a smile. It’s nice to know that he’s got that particular hurdle out of the way. Now he’s just got to do it all again with 2 year’s worth of A-Levels!

Newcastle. My home city, the place I was born and raised and unfortunately, somewhere I left when I was in my early twenties. Every August gives me plenty of time to visit home and catch up with family and friends. And this August I was lucky enough to be able to visit twice. Firstly, I took my son up to watch a Newcastle United match. Just a friendly game, but it was the first time I’d been in a while and it felt wonderful to be back in the stadium, being part of a fabulous atmosphere and just being able to watch my team. A week later we visited again for a couple of days in order to see family and friends, catching up with everyone that we wanted to see and having a great time. My dad hasn’t been in the best of health for the last year and so it’s good to check in with him and see that he’s gradually getting stronger again. He’s not quite the same, but it’s comforting and more than enough to bring a smile to my face to see that he’s getting better.

Running. I’ve had a strange year with fitness and have never quite got myself to the levels that I want. It’s been very ‘stop, start’ with illness and injury dominating, meaning I’ll get out for maybe two or three runs in a row and then suffer some kind of setback. However, towards the end of August I felt like I’d made a breakthrough. Having injured my back and worrying that I wouldn’t be able to run for at least a couple of weeks, I recovered within less than a week and was running again. Fingers crossed, everything’s been fine since and although I’m not running with a smile on my face – more a grimace – I’m finding a little bit of consistency. There’s always a positive to be found!

So there we have it; another month, another five things to smile about. Hopefully I’ll have lots to smile about in September, despite having to go back to work!

Always Look on The Bright Side – Things that made me smile in July.

So, here we are again. Back searching for the various positives in life and sharing them with the intent of possibly brightening someone else’s day. A piece I write every month, usually with the aid of a few notes written on a scrap of paper kept on my desk and added to every time I find something that makes me smile. Here’s July’s good bits!

The world’s strangest houses. I read the BBC website most break times at work, just to take me away from thinking about work, marking, the next class and stuff like that. Their Uplifting Stories section always has something to raise a grin. Last month featured the world’s strangest houses and as someone who always wanted to live somewhere cool, but ended up in a dull brown box – not literally, don’t worry – this caught my attention. The houses include a tiny wooden structure built by teenagers on a rock in the middle of the river Drina in Serbia, the mushroom house in Cincinnati which does exactly what it says on the tin and the Llama house in Argentina, which is quite an unusual building anyway, while also having a massive llama sculpture right outside which is as tall as the house itself. My favourite though had to be the Bug House in Albuquerque, which looks kind of buggish, has a library and a gallery as well as being ‘guarded’ by metal stegasaurus sculptures.

The end of the academic year! Quite simple, really. If you can’t get on board with smiling at being finished work for 6 weeks, then we probably can’t be friends. Anyway, it was a really tough, but thoroughly enjoyable year which I’ll write more about soon, but being free to not have to get up for work for ages and ages more than helped and definitely made me smile!

I painted our bathroom ceiling. Sadly, the summer holiday doesn’t seem to be allowing a great deal of holidaying as we work like trojans trying to go through the whole house sorting things out, completing long overdue jobs and throwing out stuff that causes clutter. But it’s ultimately ok, because I can get up when I like and I don’t have to go to work. One of the jobs I’ve done is painting our bathroom ceiling which, preparation included, took a whole afternoon. But every time I go in there now, I smile!

Lemur babies in Telford. Another story from the BBC. Ring tailed lemurs are a critically endangered species so although these two babies were born in captivity, it’s still great news. The babies were born to different mums, Rakoto and Abi, but have the same dad, Alfie…which to be totally honest raised another smile entirely! Here’s one of the babies below. Tell me that didn’t make you smile!

Our holiday in Wales. It’s not particularly glamorous and we go there every year, but I absolutely love it. To be sat on one of my favourite beaches makes me feel completely relaxed. I can read a book, chat to one of the family, play games, go for a walk or go for a bit of a paddle in the sea and I don’t think of any kind of worries or stressful stuff at all. We go to a village on the Llyn peninsula in North Wales and for me it’s one of the most beautiful, unspoilt and unfussy places going. And this year I managed to go for an early morning run down one of the longer beaches, ending by clambering over some rocks at low tide and over onto one of our regular almost hidden coves completely on my own. What a way to start the day!

And there you have it. Five more reasons to smile and five more reminders to me that it’s great to be alive! I hope you enjoyed my little bit of positivity.

Book Review: ‘Outrunning The Demons’ by Phil Hewitt.

Running is one of those subject that can be quite divisive. As runners, we’re sold on its many qualities. It can almost feel like a drug in its addictive nature and despite the pain and the exhaustion, we always come back for more. Worse still, it can also become all that we want to talk about and so, we become ‘running bores’ on top of everything else. Believe me, other people love a running bore!

‘Outrunning The Demons’ is a collection of real-life tales from various runners of all abilities about the reasons why they run and the reasons why running has saved them. There are stories of bereavement, addiction and mental health challenges and all of them highlight the importance of running to those involved. In fact, Hewitt himself turned to running after being mugged and left for dead in 2016, so he’s living proof of the healing qualities of getting out for a run.

Since rediscovering running in my forties I’ve realised its importance in helping me think things through and its values in terms of my mental health. Then, having had a major heart procedure when I hit 50, running has become even more important, giving me at first a recovery goal and since then a lot of the strength needed just to keep going at times.

So ‘Outrunning The Demons’ felt both pertinent and personal to me. There was lots to relate to in these tales, as well as the type of pain and running ‘journeys’ that I couldn’t hope to understand. Among the 34 stories there are elite runners and there are people who only took up running because of the loss of a runner who was close to them. Charlie is a recovering drug addict, Theresa lost her firefighter husband in 9/11 and ran to take his place in a marathon, James an army veteran recovering from trauma in Iraq and Sujan suffers with anxiety brought on by a troubled childhood. All of them looked to running to help them cope again with every day life.

And there are loads more amazing stories to read about here. This is a book that’s as full of inspiration as it is pain. And it’s a book where you can’t fail to care about the people that you read about. So, at times it’s an emotional read. If you’re a fellow runner, you’ll undoubtedly recognise many of the emotions and be able to empathise with the trauma that some of these ordinary folk have endured.

Hewitt’s own tale is startling and perhaps worthy of a book in itself. But instead, he spent time bringing together people from all corners of the globe who have sought out a similar solution when faced with the kind of problems that might otherwise have seen them go under.

‘Outrunning The Demons’ is at times an incredible read. It’s subtitled ‘lives transformed through running’ and is comprehensive in recounting what really are some remarkable transformations. Always interesting and always inspiring, it became hard for me to put down at times. A life affirming read, whether you’re a runner or not.

I give ‘Outrunning The Demons’…

Always Look on The Bright Side: Five Things that Made me Smile in June.

It’s that time again! Time to see if I can help anybody out with a bit of something more upbeat. Every month I make a note of the kind of things that raise a smile in my day and then at the start of the next one, I relay them to you, dear reader. So here are June’s little moments. Oh, and there are seven for the price of five this month!

The sun. Granted, there have been a few days and nights where it has been far too hot, but it’s just lovely to get to this time of year and feel the full warmth of the sun. Especially when you live in northern Britain, where we can go for weeks fully convinced that it’s not actually up there any more. So, despite the fact that it’s led to some pretty sweaty classrooms and a good few uncomfortable sleeps, it’s been lovely to feel the sun again. Here’s hoping that it can stick around for at least a couple of months.

Night time walks. I’ve been struggling to sleep now that the temperature has risen. It’s also affected my running habits; I find running with a pacemaker in this heat can feel absolutely dreadful. And so, I’ve taken to going for walks at night. Usually we’ve been going out after 9pm, either myself and my wife, myself and my son or just all three of us. It isn’t working in terms of helping me sleep, but it’s good as I can’t go out and run so much, so it keeps up a level of fitness. The best of it though, is that it makes for some lovely chats, especially with my son who I don’t always get to chat to, such is his status as bedroom bound typical teenage boy! I really love spending time with my family, so these walks have enabled a bit of that too and that’s definitely something to smile about.

My son finished his GCSEs! This made me smile because it doesn’t seem more than a few minutes since I was helping my wife edge across Leeds to the maternity ward while she was in labour with said son! Fifteen years on – he’s 16 this month – and he’s just finished his formal education. Reason enough to sigh and exhale forcefully at the perceived speed of it all, but also reason enough to smile.

The Leeds 10k. It’s not been a great year running-wise, so far. Just illness after illness and barely enough energy to get through the day, let alone go out running. Thankfully, I focused myself on a month of training, determined to get into a fit enough state to get round the Leeds 10k. And I did it! It was quite a tough one on a relatively warm day, but I got round in a respectable enough time, so I’ll take that. So although I was shattered as I crossed the finish line, it wasn’t long before I was smiling. I’ve written a blog about the day that’s on the link below if you fancy reading about it.

Power Up signs, smiling more and a bloody cricketer! The Leeds 10k.

Discovering Folk Bitch Trio. I listen to a lot of music. Perhaps not as much as before having a family, but still a lot of music. At work, one of my daily rituals involves listening to BBC 6 Music whenever I get a chance. It’s on as soon as my laptop is up and running in the morning and then back on as soon as I have any non contact time. 6 Music plays a huge range of stuff and this means that I’ll inevitably discover stuff that I’ve never heard before. Usually I make a note of the artist and or song on a Post It and then take that home for Alexa to work her magic. The brilliantly named – and brilliant – Folk Bitch Trio are my latest find. They remind me a bit of First Aid Kit and Haim, both of whom I really like.With Folk Bitch Trio, I enjoyed their music and loved their name. All in all, they made me smile partly because of their name and their music, but also because discovering new music or even old stuff that I’ve never heard is always a reason to smile for me.

New runners. Short and sweet, this one. I’d been after some new running trainers for a while now, but didn’t fancy paying ridiculous money. So, I’d been looking for offers and discounts to help me out while reading a lot of reviews to find what might be the best pair for me. I’ve had a pair of Saucony Ride 17s for a while now and love them. However, I’d got a deal on them and they only cost about £70. Anything comparable now was looking like costing me well over £100. And then, out of nowhere, Sportshoes.com sent me an email with 30% off certain brands and after a bit of deliberation I got some new Saucony Ride 18s for £90! They’re bright orange and beautiful and I’m looking forward to wearing them in and covering lots of miles in them!

June’s gone! Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against June. But the reason I’m able to smile about it waving goodbye for another year is that we have two family birthdays in June. Again, it’s not that I don’t like the people or their birthdays. What I don’t like is the pressure I put on myself for buying presents for my wife and the pressure that also comes from my daughter’s birthday, which is always a big deal and comes just two days after my wife’s. Life towards the end of June is just chaotic and so, frankly, I’m smiling again now that it’s July!

So there we have it. Proof that even in the smallest things we can find something to smile about…even when your legs feel like they’re going to fall off and you feel sick while dragging yourself up one last hill!

Always Look on the Bright Side: Five Things that Made me Smile in May.

So, here we are again. Delving into the everyday positives that can be found…even if you tend to wander round with your head in the clouds like me! It doesn’t take much to find something that will be sure to make you smile.

So what did the trick in May?

Toddlers named World Puddle Jumping champions! I mean even without the detail there’s enough to raise a smile even with the headline alone. However, last month I read about Eli and his twin sisters Maia and Neeve from Northampton whose mum had submitted a video of them jumping in puddles to the organisers of the World Puddle Jumping Championships. The championships are run by Wicksteed Park, a tourist attraction in Northamptonshire, who decided that these muddy puddle loving siblings were the winners. There’s no trophy; winners receive a cuddly toy and tickets for a family day out at the park. Let’s hope it’s raining that day!

Star Wars Teabag art! This was such a great story! Artist Caroline West has been busy making miniature paintings of Star Wars scenes on tea bags. As someone who loves a bit of art and is also a Star Wars fan this one was always going to make me smile. Caroline first dries the teabags out, empties them and then irons them flat before painting her masterpieces. And they really are fantastic. Apparently she has created 30 tiny paintings and given them all Star Wars themed names like Brewbacca and R2Tea2.

Another artist! Drawing London using a fine liner. I’ll say it again – I’ve always loved art. I was reasonably good at it as a kid (and can still turn my hand to it a little bit nowadays) but I really admire people who can paint, draw or even take great photographs. This time it’s an artist called Jack Nolan who has drawn the whole of central London using only fine liners. And he’s spent nearly 1000 hours doing it! This raised a smile mainly because of how good it looks, but also for the amount of skill and dedication involved in getting it just right. Have a look for yourselves!

My daughter arriving home. Not as simple as it sounds, this one. She hasn’t just got the bus back from work or something. I’ve mentioned in a previous ‘Five Things’ how proud I was that she’d sought out adventure in her gap year by travelling to South East Asia and exploring Thailand, Vietnam and Singapore. Well, in the middle of May she returned! There were lots of tears (not mine!) and laughter when we picked her up from the airport, but mainly this was just an enormous reason to smile. Not only is she safe and well, but she’s been through a whole raft of enormous experiences that, as she enters a bit more of the adult world, I hope will stand her in good stead for what she’s got to come in life.

I became a superhero…finally! I started a new job at the beginning of this academic year. It’s an all boys school in an entirely new academies trust after I left my old place having become frustrated with the trust that I was working for. I didn’t feel valued, which struck me as a strange way to treat someone with nearly a quarter of a century of English teaching experience. I was assured by friends who worked at my new place that our trust was vastly different and it didn’t take long for me to realise how true this was. Within a couple of months I was more happy than a middle aged man should have been to be named Star of The Week at our school, with the Head teacher waxing lyrical about me in our meeting. He’d sat in on one of my lessons with a particularly difficult group, so it was great to hear so many positives. And it’s continued with plenty of people having good things to say about my teaching over the last few months. A couple of weeks ago though, things got even better when I was named as a ‘Staff Superhero’ on a document that was sent across the whole trust! Again, lots of nice things were said about me and even at my age it’s lovely to get a bit of credit for hard work. Such pats on the back are not why I do the job, but still, it’s nice to feel valued at any time, really. I’m still waiting on my cape and lycra costume though…

So, there you go; proof once again that even though you might have to upturn a few stones and look a little harder than you might like at times, there are always positives to enjoy and things to turn that frown upside down!

Middle Aged Moans and Creaking Bones.

It’s been a bit of a difficult start to the year in terms of health and fitness. It started with me catching some kind of bug just after New Year, which pretty much knocked me for six. It felt flu-like (I promise it wasn’t just the mythical ‘man flu’) and really didn’t help in preparing for the term ahead at work, as well as the new year in general. And it’s been largely downhill ever since…

A few Sundays ago, I was meant to be running the Pontefract 10k, easily one of my favourite races of the year. Training hadn’t been going well though and the most I’d ran in over a month had been 4.5 miles, which was a long way short of what I needed to complete for a 10k (6.2 miles). Still, despite the lack of miles in the legs I’d resolved to run and just give it everything I had in order to get over that finish line in a half decent time. And then the Saturday before happened.

On the Saturday before the race, I woke up feeling fine. I’d had a decent sleep and was up and showered early and ready to go. The usual Saturday plan is to head to a local country park in order to volunteer for ParkRun or just get some washing in and then head to the supermarket to do the weekly shop. With my son busy revising, it meant that we wouldn’t be volunteering, so once the washing was in I headed to the supermarket where, up to a point, everything was going swimmingly.

Suddenly though, as I headed to the checkout, I felt violently sick and my stomach was turning more than my washing machine. I dumped my trolley and ran to the toilets, just in case – can you imagine the eternal shame of throwing up in your local supermarket? Nothing happened though and so when I felt a little better I rescued my shopping and went and paid for it.

It happened again though, almost the minute that I walked in through my front door. To cut a long, repetitive story short, I ended up in bed, sleeping like a baby for the next couple of hours. On waking up, I realised pretty quickly that I wouldn’t be making the trip to Pontefract the next day.

This was the second race in two months that I’ve had to pull out of. The first one, in April, was just because I felt extremely tired. I didn’t even really want to race, having done the same one last year and hated every second of it! It was only bloody mindedness that made me enter again!

And so, that Pontefract Sunday was spent trying to pick myself up from feeling low and working out how to put things right. I had four weeks until my next race – the Leeds 10k, which is always fantastic. I decided just to take a slightly different approach and resolved to think less about times and distances and just make sure that I get out and run. No excuses, no pondering and deliberating and talking myself out of things…just get out with a minimum distance in mind and run. Hopefully fitness would come and as the race approached I would be able to start preparing properly and getting some longer distances in.

As I write on 2nd June, it’s been going well. I dragged myself out and did a post work 5k on the Monday evening after having missed out on Pontefract and I’ve been keeping going since then with 4 runs in total as well as several long walks and some yoga. My latest run was a Friday morning 10k which was nowhere near as tough as I’d expected and although I was slightly irritated with my time (just over 56 minutes) I’ve told myself that it doesn’t matter and that if I can run under 55 minutes for the Leeds 10k, then that will represent a bit of a triumph.

Hopefully, by the middle of June I’m approaching some sort of fitness. In an ideal world I won’t be struck down by another bout of mystery illness and so be able to just slowly build my strength back up. It’s been good just to give myself a kick up the backside and adopt a ‘no excuses’ attitude.

Roll on Sunday 15th June and the Leeds 10k! Fingers tightly crossed until the actual day though!

It seems you’re never too old for something new.

A couple of weeks ago I had a week off work. Half term for us teachers and a time to try and rest, relax and take stock of how the year has gone so far.

It never quite turns out that way though. Although the older I get, the more I find myself unable to do a great deal other than resting at times. However, the week was a bit different. I felt more tired than usual, something I put down to being poorly at the run of the year with some kind of flu bug that has clearly taken a bit more of a toll than I’d realised. As a result, as much as I wanted to get things done, I found that I just didn’t really have the energy. Thus, the tarpaulin on the garden furniture remains more off than on and the fences haven’t seen a lick of paint either.

As with most old stuff though, essential maintenance is required whenever the chance arises. And so, this week meant that it was time for a hair cut as well as a visit to the dentist. Yep, I really know how to use that holiday time, eh?

Both occasions ended up being far more nerve wracking than I’d wanted. In fact one of them felt slightly traumatic.

I hadn’t had a haircut since the middle of December and so the natural waves of my hair had kicked in and it was really quite the unruly mess. Big hair with the 80s long gone! But this wasn’t the problem. I’ve had the same hairdresser for around 27 years now and had been forced to find someone new, at least temporarily. This had happened once before, about ten years ago when my hairdresser was in hospital and it was a disaster for my hair. I’d gone to a chain salon in a shopping centre and received a clinical haircut that looked like it’d been done by a butcher…using a knife and spoon.

Fast forward a decade or so and my hairdresser – also a good mate – was in hospital again and had been for over a month. He’d been home and then back in hospital repeatedly and while I was obviously worried about him, there was an evermore nagging feeling that I was going to have to find someone else to give me a trim.

This would be only the second time anyone other than my actual hairdresser had cut my hair in getting on for 30 years. Actually, that’s a lie; my wife clippered it in lockdown!

Now I don’t know what you’re like, dear reader, but this bothered me. Really bothered me. Despite doing some research and checking out numerous reviews of local barbers on Google, it just didn’t feel right at all. I asked around about where others got theirs cut and still it made no difference. I didn’t want anyone else to cut my hair. However, I was starting to look like a wookee and my teenage son, who also has his hair cut with me, was beginning to worry about his image! Enough was enough.

Now you’d think it would be straightforward from this point, but no. I’d narrowed my choice down to two places and was even quite sure about which I’d go to. It was closer, better reviews and cheaper too. It made perfect sense to just go there…

We walked up towards this new barber’s as it was reasonably close and yet, I was so nervous about it that I took a detour. Thinking that we could arrive coming down the hill, with the advantage of being able to see if anyone else was in, my plan was immediately scuppered as we turned the corner to find that the owner was stood outside, opening up. This spooked me and for a few seconds I decided that we were heading to our second choice. Then, realising how old I am and how ridiculous I was being I played for time, taking us on another detour…for no reason in particular!

It’s amazing the amount of nerves, self doubt and just general sense of panic something different can create in me!

Eventually, we made our way into the barber’s shop. It was empty aside from the owner and he was welcoming from the start, which helped put me at my ease a little more. I decided to go first just to get it all over with and also because there was no one other than my own son to watch! Explaining what I wanted I envisaged the barber’s interpretation being to clip the sides and back down to the skin and then leaving me with just a clump of hair left sitting atop my head, like you’d see on literally every other British 12-year-old these days.

The result was a decent haircut and a pleasant experience all round. My fears were unfounded and my panic just a waste of time. The barber – Ozzie – was warm and friendly and left me looking way smarter than I did when I walked in. There were still differences that I wasn’t fond of though. Where my usual barber knows that I don’t want any ‘product’ on my hair afterwards, the new guy sprayed my head liberally, first with some kind of setting spray and then, weirdly, with liquid cologne! I was too polite to scream ‘Nooooo’ as he picked it up though!

Later that day we had dental appointments. Now these usually fill me with mild dread anyway. But this time around featured an absolute about turn of a change. Firstly, our dentist practice has relocated from its small, beaten up premises into a shiny new, vast place that’s been converted from a former furniture store in the middle of town. If I say it’s instagramable, I’m sure you can begin to imagine it. So just walking into the place felt a little bit daunting.

The worst thing was that the appointment was with someone new. Yes, another new person and this time messing with my teeth! We’ve had the same dentist for years now and I wasn’t the only one that was a little bit nervous about this change. My wife even made enquiries as to our usual dentist’s whereabouts in the hope that we might be able to change to her!

In the end, it all turned out quite well. Our new dentist was really nice and personable and everything went swimmingly. However, there was one thing that stayed exactly the same and just as unpleasant as ever about the dentist appointment. Usually my teeth get a bit of a clean with some type of electronic device and it’s often a bit painful as she scrapes away at my teeth, occasionally jabbing whatever the instrument is into my gums. This time though, I got the cleaning, but without the electronics. I think this had something to do with my pacemaker and the new dentist being a little bit cautious. So, cleaning my teeth just involved some sort of sharp instrument being rived around my teeth, with bits of stuff being dragged out from various gaps, much to my distaste. Sorry to sound like a child, but it hurt!

So, less than a week after my latest birthday and I’m reminded that nothing can ever stay the same. Like I said, you’re never too old for something new, regardless of whether you want it or not!

Book Review: The Runner by Markus Torgeby.

As a young man, Markus Torgeby quickly grew disaffected by a lot of what the world around him had to offer. He knew that society’s expectations were not for him. Despite being a talented runner though, he sensed that pursuing this as any kind of career was not going to work. Too often, injury or just not being in the right mindset got in the way of any kind of competitive edge. As he says himself at the start of the book, “My head was full of dark thoughts. I didn’t know what to do. I had to rethink what it was I really wanted, I had to find a way out of that well.”

What Markus did next – which is documented in the book – seems both astonishing and really quite wonderful.

‘The Runner’ is an international best seller and tells the tale of one man and his quest to find contentment. In short, Torgeby headed up into the Swedish wilderness to live in a tent and dedicate himself to a more simple life, where money didn’t matter, but running most certainly did.

It’s an amazing true life tale, beginning in Jamtland, northern Sweden where the temperature is -22 and Markus is the only person for miles around. This is where he escapes the norms of society, pitching his tent and living among nature complete with enormous amounts of snow, elk and even the threat of bears.

As you’d imagine from the title, running is very much central to Torgeby’s existence. When he vows to run every day, he means it and nothing will stop him, be that extreme weather conditions, injury or mental health issues. Torgeby isn’t just testing his fitness – he’s pitting himself against both the most extreme elements and also just the odds.

Running is where Markus is at peace and I have to say that resonated with me, as I’m sure it would with many runners. The only difference would be – and it’s a seismic difference – that while the majority of us are running around the civilised, normal streets or trails near where we live, Markus Torgeby is running around in one of the most isolated, northernmost territories on the planet! There are threats to life almost with every step he takes. This is not the tale of an everyday runner, despite the fact that he runs every day!

‘The Runner’ is actually really well written and Torgeby rarely shies away from telling us exactly how he’s feeling or what he thinks of the world, even if it can be uncomfortable to read at times. His blunt honesty is one of the most positive features of the book and it’s hard not to be impressed by Torgeby’s principles and way of life.

And then there’s the sheer courage of it all. As someone who rarely takes much in the way of risks, ‘The Runner’ makes for an absolutely fascinating read. Torgeby leaves home to live his life his way when he’s barely much more than a child. And yet, his lifestyle choice is utterly remarkable, especially when you know that he is burdened by the thought of his mother’s suffering, back at home. She suffers with MS and some of the most beautiful passages in the book revolve around her relationship with her son, as he cares for her and helps to make sure that she is still able to experience the wonder of the world around her.

After four years of living in his tent in the wilderness, Markus begins to come to terms with the world around him and the contentment that follows – I won’t spoil what that consists of – gives us a bit of a happy ending.

Part of me felt jealous of Torgeby while reading the book and I questioned some of my early adult decisions in life. It’s funny how something like this can take us back and make us more self critical. Ultimately though, at the age when Markus left home for the wilderness I was probably barely able to cook for myself, let alone live in a tent in some of the most unforgiving territory on the planet, so I was able to give myself a break after all!

Whether you’re a runner, health freak, someone with an adventurous spirit or none of those things, this book is a great read. For me personally, it was interesting to see that I had things in common with the writer and that we shared such a love of running. Ultimately though, if you like an interesting take on life or just enjoy learning about some of the bolder ways to live, then you’ll enjoy this book.

I give ‘The Runner’ by Markus Torgeby

Poetry Blog: Roots

This one is an autobiographical poem. It’s about a lot of things in my life, but mainly things that have happened, or feelings that I’ve felt since I left home to go to university. It was a long time ago, but due to the upheaval it’s something that I probably still think about every day.

I’m from a city in the North East of England called Newcastle Upon Tyne. If you’re from the U.K no doubt you’ll know of it. If you’re anywhere else, you may still have heard of it and if not, give it a Google; have a look at the bridges and stuff, because it’s a wonderful place. For my money, it’s the greatest city on the planet, but then we’d all make that claim, wouldn’t we? Trust me, I’m right though because it’s a city that seems to make an indelible impact on its people and it certainly did on me.

I lived in Newcastle until I was 19 and can vividly remember, aged 18, telling my Year 13 form tutor that I’d never leave. I genuinely couldn’t envisage a time when I’d leave the place. There just wasn’t going to be a reason to take such drastic action. And then there was, so I left. After 3 years away at university I spent another 5 or 6 months back at home, trying to find a job that never came my way. This was ’90s Newcastle and it felt like I’d never get a break in a city that seemed like it was being cut adrift by a government that had all but destroyed all of our industry. So, I headed south to the Midlands to move in with the girl that later became my wife. We’re still together and nearly 30 years later I still live away from ‘home’, but closer now at least, in Yorkshire.

Roots

Geordie jeans and a head full of dreams
you left your home town, not even suspecting
that you'd never return.
The bridges, the monument, the shops and 
even the river would lose their warm familiarity
and before too long become almost alien,
making you feel strange, yet not a stranger,
displaced, without roots 
and never quite at home, wherever you went.
Every turn presented another stage of 
cultural change and gentrification
while you stood still, a statue without a plinth,
slowly shrinking into yourself 
until you didn't really recognise who or what 
you'd become, functioning behind a mask.
No direction and the wrong turn at every junction,
when the road forked you found the dead end,
falling into a self made trap, again and again
with only glimpses of light to keep you from the dark,
so that even the way ahead was stumbled upon
and even then only chance would keep you from being 
back to square one.
The beacon at your side the only part
of those last ten years,
to stave off the loneliness and put you
back together when,
you'd fallen off the wall again and again,
so that now, still Geordie jeans and a head full of dreams,
there's a reason to face each new day
and a heart to call a home.

The poem is about moving away and then watching the city change. That might have been changing in that I lost my sense of belonging there but also lost the ‘geography’ of the place, if you like so that however often I went back there would be more and more times when I just couldn’t remember my way around or couldn’t place things anymore. Add in the fact that my parents moved from my childhood home to a new village and it all led to me feeling a little alien in and around Newcastle.

The city also grew and was given a bit of a facelift in certain areas, making it far less recognisable and far more difficult to feel at ‘home’ in. Gradually, while I didn’t fall out of love with the city, I began to feel like I just didn’t really know it anymore which was heartbreaking given how attached to the place I had been growing up.

The Geordie jeans bit is about clothing, but heritage as well. There’s jeans and genes in there. The genes are obvious, I suppose. ‘Geordie Jeans’ however was, shall we say, a clothes shop when I was growing up that was a bit ‘budget’, but it was all that my parents could afford. So, I’d be kitted out for home and school in their stuff and very self conscious about it as a teenager.

The latter end of the poem is about all of those feelings coming together to have an adverse effect on my mental health. When we first moved away I knew we wouldn’t stay there, it was just after leaving university too, so there was career uncertainty too. If I’m honest, that’s stayed with me right up until the present day, as much as I love my job and the place where I live.

There’s a little bit of optimism towards the end of the poem. I still retain those dreams, however far away they might seem and as I said earlier, I still have my wife by my side looking after me and giving me strength wherever I go and in whatever I do.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the poem. It’s opened up a few ideas along similar lines in my head, so I might write more about those times if I can find the time.

The Pacemaker Diaries: Summer Edition!

It’s been a while since my last Pacemaker Diary entry, so with a bit of time to kill and a few tings to update, I thought I’d write another.

In my last entry, in April, I wrote about hitting a bit of a bump in the road. I’d had to abandon a run, was suffering with dizziness and a general feeling of tiredeness and just generally wasn’t really coping with the whole ‘adjusting to having a pacemaker’ thing. I’d been back at work for around a month and was beginning to feel like I might not make it through to summer.

https://middleagefanclub.wordpress.com/2023/04/09/the-pacemaker-diaries-weve-definitely-hit-a-bump-in-the-road/

Well, it’s now summer. Two weeks into the holidays to be precise and while I’m nowhere near as fit and healthy as I had been pre-pacemaker, I’m still slowly getting there. Obviously, this is incredibly frustrating. You might argue that I should have gotten used to how my body feels and reacts to things by now. After all, I had my pacemaker fitted about 9 months ago. But, dear reader, I’m not used to it and that’s all there is to it. Or rather, I am used to it but I still absolutely hate the whole idea of it! It’s wonderful to still be here and I’m eternally grateful to the NHS and the staff at the hospital that helped me through and indeed the ones that still help when I have some kind of appointment, but I can’t change how I feel.

The phrases “I’m getting there” and “It’s just going to take time” have become as much a comfort as they have a pain in the arse, but I have to just keep reminding myself – and sometimes others, who don’t seem to get it – that I am indeed getting there and that this whole process of feeling myself and feeling fit again is jus going to take time! Friends who’ve gone through the same or similar have told me on numerous occasions that they didn’t feel themselves again for a long, long time and I suppose I’m simply finding out about how true that is!

Anyway, enough of the moaning and moping. There are some positives to discuss!

For one, I’m still running. It’s been a while since I had to be mature and force myself to take a break and as a result my fitness is consistently okay. It’s not great, but it’s okay…didn’t Whitney Houston once sing about that or something similar? Perhaps, that’s not a good thing…

I’ve been uncharacteristically sensible about my running for the past 4 or 5 weeks and have built up my distances really steadily. So, perhaps I’m tempering my frustration and anger a little bit after all.

Having completed the Leeds 10k in late June I took a break and haven’t ran that distance since. Instead, when I got back out I settled for running just 5ks for a couple of weeks and then built the distance up from there. I still haven’t managed another 10k run, but I think I will do soon as I’m consistently running over 5 miles. There have been varying results pace-wise, but I’m feeling more than capable of getting round the distance. It’s still reeeaaallly frustrating to see how slow I’ve ran at times, but I just have to cope!

I ran while on holiday recently, taking on some huge hills in North Wales, while receiving curious looks from llamas on a local farm! I ran for 5 miles, finishing on the beach and felt fantastic afterwards, but I made sure that I gave myself lots of recovery time and didn’t go for a second run that week which was a relief and a bit frustrating in equal measure! However, the change of scenery and obvious challenge felt like it did me the world of good.

After every run I’m on to planning my next one and genuinely feeling like I can go further. I was out earlier this week and managed 5.3 miles and I’ll be out again this weekend. I’m hoping that this one can be my first 10k since June, but we’ll see how the body reacts over the next couple of days.

I managed to damage my lower back around a month ago and then just when I felt it was almost better, injured it again. The first time was while leaning out of my chair at work to pick up something I’d dropped and then the second time was while getting something out of a cupboard in the kitchen! Both dangerous and high stakes activities, I’m sure you’ll agree but as frustrating as this is I guess it just comes down to having a battered, middle aged body, so I’ll have to cope!

As part of getting my back better I’ve started doing yoga again. It was something me and my wife did years ago and both felt we benefitted hugely from it. But time constraints and a young family got in the way and it fell by the wayside. However, my wife recently suggested a few moves that might help my back and so yoga is back on the agenda. I’ve only managed a couple of very short sessions with the aid of my phone to keep me right on the positions, but I’m hoping it will start to help with my health. It’s a bit more complicated as anything that means putting weight or pressure on my left hand side results in my pacemaker digging into me, but I’d take that over palpitations and blackouts any time!

I’m also hoping that yoga will help with my mental health. I’ve had lots of support in recovering from surgery and adapting to this new almost constantly fatigued, old body. However, it’s still been incredibly tough and I’ve felt isolated and sad throughout. The running has helped as I’m alone with my thoughts and can resolve a lot of stuff while I’m out. But I’m hoping that yoga – however bitesized it might be – will help me feel a lot calmer and relaxed about things.

So, there we have it. I have my next 10k race planned for October and am wondering about entering another before that. Either way though, I’m just hopeful that I can stay fit and healthy for long enough to feel that I can go back to work again in September feeling a bit brighter about things and then have a real go at the October 10k. As ever though, it’s just nice to still be here, however difficult things might seem and however low I might get at times!

Related