Article – Page 10 – Middle Age Fanclub

The Apprentice Episode 6 – Cereal Losers.

Although I was able to watch last week’s episode, time constraints meant that a blog update just wasn’t possible. And perhaps it was a good thing to give myself a rest from my own cynicism about this year’s candidates!

This week our merry bunch of halfwits find themselves without Onyeka, while probably all puzzling over the mystery of what Virdi is still doing there. And if no one is asking the question of what it is that Steve actually does, then it’s got to happen soon.

Tonight, the teams are at the Savoy to learn that their next challenge will be to design and market a new cereal aimed at kids. And for what feels like the umpteenth week in a row, Lord Sugar appears as some kind of cartoon.

Sam and Steve take on the project manager roles and before we know it, we’ve got our cereal ideas. Steve decides that their cereal will be based around superheroes – because if you ignore the million and one superheroes around at the moment, this one hasn’t been done before. Meanwhile, Sam’s team decide on the theme of the Arctic. And that’s not even an attempt at a joke. Their children’s cereal theme really will be based around the Arctic.

There follows a debate about whether or not Sam’s sub team should follow a STRONG RECOMMENMDATION about the fruit content in the recipe. They decide not to because they of course know best. But never mind, because I’m sure this won’t be a decision that will come back to haunt them.

There follows a strange moment where Virdi is caught on camera looking terrified by the mere image of a cartoon polar bear taking shape on the screen before him and for a while I wonder whether he’ll be able to have any effect on tonight’s result. And then I remember, it’s Virdi, so if there’s any dancing to be done he’ll find a way to get involved, but other than being scared of a drawing, that might be tonight’s high point.

Over on the other team, Tre and friends try to come to some important decisions about the character for their cereal by just saying ‘erm’ a lot, before in the end deciding that their superhero needs a cape. A superhero in a cape?Surely, that’ll never catch on.

Having watched both teams grapple with the demands of the target audience I’m left questioning why, year after year, no one on the show ever seems to understand what kids of a certain age might like. It’s up there with the Bermuda Triangle in terms of life’s great mysteries for me.

Later, I’m similarly confused when Maura announces to her team that their kid friendly character is just “an ordinary boy…who’s a polar bear”. Well, I suppose we all went to school with one of those.

The task continues with both teams trying to come up with an augmented reality game that will appeal to kids who have scanned the QR code on the cereal box. As someone who seems to be evermore unable to scan QR codes I’m in full on ‘Virdi meets cartoon polar bear mode’ and my wife has to slap me back to reality, pause the show and make me a hot chocolate in order for me to calm back down.

As expected, both tasks bring out the candidates not so inner idiots and it’s not long before we’re witnessing Noor failing to read words and move at the same time and Virdi deeming a cartoon polar bear as “absolutely amazing”. Well, he changed his tune!

At the taste test, no one seems to be able to taste the passion fruit in the Super Hoops. But is that just because no one’s ever been able to actually finish a passion fruit?

Before we know it, the teams are squaring up to face the industry experts and it’s time for more fun. From the facial expressions in the room it becomes clear that these cereals are not exactly taste sensations. Either that or several of the watching experts have walked through the same fart that Karen does every week. Dentist Paul starts his negotiation with frozen food giant Iceland by telling them that linking up with a cartoon polar bear would be a “match made in Heaven” and you think, he’s got a point…this might work. And then he follows this up by telling them that the cereal tastes bland – that’ll be what happens when you ignore a STRONG RECOMMENDATION – and as the air is sucked out of the room I’m left wondering why he even bothers asking if they’d like to buy some.

On the other side of the room meanwhile, while Phil pushes hard to get a deal out of a reluctant customer, Virdi’s contribution is to pull the kind of faces that suggest he’s mistakenly put on underwear that’s about four sizes too small. No wonder the client walks away.

And then I watch on, out of my business depth (which peaks at about 2mm, if you need to know), while Foluso secures an exclusivity deal with Iceland for 200,000 boxes of Super Hoops cereal. It means that they can’t sell to anyone else for 3 months, but is it a gamble worth taking? I haven’t a clue, but my smidgen of knowledge tells me that 200,000 is a shitload of cereal. And so, it’s over to Sam’s team to see if they can sell more.

It turns out that they can’t.

And so to the boardroom. where Lord Sugar, you’d expect, will have plenty of spontaneous cereal related gags lined up to test Karen and Tim’s acting ability. Instead though, he starts with another tried and tested favourite – making the candidates feel really uncomfortable. And even then, after some initial frost he thaws out quite quickly. A bit like Sam’s team’s Arctic cereal idea, really.

It feels like Sugar has lost heart this evening and there’s a feeling of just going through the motions, which when we hear the sales figures and get the result, you can kind of understand. While Steve’s lot sell the aforementioned 200,000 boxes of cereal, Sam’s team finish a distant second – and lose in a catastrophic manner – selling just over 7000.

It’s all too much for Lord Sugar, who almost explodes with cereal puns, calling Sam’s team ‘cereal losers’ and telling them that when they come back in to the boardroom some of them will be saying ‘Cheerios’. Later, he completes his hat-trick when he refers to the loser’s cereal as being more ‘All Bland’ than ‘All Bran’. It’s like he’s been willing himself not to go too early with the comedy until the point where he literally can’t wait any longer and simply has to blurt out some puns. Classic Sugar!

The candidates don’t laugh and instead just head to the cafe to bicker.

At this point in proceedings I’m beginning to feel sorry for Flo, who has pretty much been the only candidate I’ve had much time for so far in the series. She’s clearly capable and yet has found herself stuck on a team hampered by the incompetence of others. She must feel absolutely cursed.

In the end tonight, the only surprise is that Virdi and Phil are still here. Having lost on every task, their time must be almost up. Watching the episode tonight though, I can’t help feeling that there’d be no great loss in getting rid of most of them and just making up the shortfall with the polar bear and Mega Bella from tonight’s cereal boxes.

When we’re done tonight, Sam has been fired and leaves by telling Lord Sugar to remember to ‘pop round for a cuppa’. It’s a deserved firing, but that last bit puzzles me. I mean, imagine Sugar standing on your doorstep, inviting himself in and then make snide remarks about your biscuits and getting Karen to pull faces at your kids.

Back at the house with tonight’s ‘winners’, we end with the penny dropping for Phil. Apparently, ‘one slip up and we’re gone’. No shit, Sherlock.

The Apprentice Episode 4: Buying jerseys in Jersey.

I’ve always fancied visiting Jersey. Something about it seems a bit of a cut above and because it’s a channel island I feel like it has it’s own balmy micro-climate. Lovely beaches, stunning scenery, ancient castles and what feels like a wonderful, relaxed lifestyle; it’s always just felt like somewhere I’d love to sample and yet never gotten round to getting to. I’m sure lots of people share this view.

Imagine if you will then, that you finally short haul yourself there and are just taking in the mid morning air when up screeches a couple of ominous black people carriers to spit out the kaleidoscope of colour and braying nonsense that is a a load of Apprentice candidates.

They stomp across to you and shout a question in your face, something like, “Hi, we’re new to Jersey and oh, it’s so beautiful. We were wondering, do you know what a potato is?” And in those few, brief moments your Jersey dream is well and truly shattered.

That’s right. Tonight’s episode was what I like to refer to as the ‘buying tat’ one where the remaining buffoons are sent to somewhere lovely to buy stuff, with the sub text being a day or so of bad manners, condescension and chaos. Jersey may well be still recovering from the trauma.

To cut to the chase, we join the candidates as they’re perusing the list of items. Jack and Raj are tonight’s PMs and as ever, if it was a masterclass in leadership you were after you’d be better off doing some channel hopping of a different kind and heading for Cartoon Network.

Without fail, this task always highlights the lack of knowledge of ‘stuff’ among the candidates. No one seems to be able to say ‘shuck’ let alone work out what it’s got to do with an oyster. Instead the tactic seems to be to just repeat the word, incorrectly while occasionally spelling it out. Because we all know that generally helps.

Within minutes, Jack is displaying all the leadership qualities of a third world dictator as he delegates the items between his team and the sub team, giving everything he can’t spell, define or pronounce to Amina’s side of the team. Don’t quote me on this, but I think his team left themselves with a pen, a button and a lettuce to buy.

Speaking of Jack and negotiation, in his pre-task talk he manages to take things to a new low, demanding that his team start any negotiation by demanding 75% off the price quoted. On a show where shame and humility are often in very short supply, this is nothing short of shocking and his team give a collective gulp and probably decide there and then to just pretend it never happened.

As both teams race around the island not only do I imagine holiday bookings are taking a hit, but I’m struck by two things. Last week, I realised that there were several candidates that I couldn’t name. This week, it hits me that I don’t think I actually like any of them and while that could change, I’m a bit perturbed by it. Why am I even watching? The other realisation is that Steve, who seems to have come dressed as a low budget Miami Vice tribute act, doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all apart from running around and smiling awkwardly. Sure, he gets in on a negotiation later on in the episode, but it’s the kind of bartering I feel even I could manage.

Next up in negotiation masterclass is project manager Jack, who you’ll remember wanted 75% off everything. His tactic is to talk to the client like she’s 11, tell her how beautiful Jersey is and – here’s the good bit that us mere mortals wouldn’t think of – repeatedly saying “oh wow”. Bizarrely though, it works and he gets the same brandy as the other team with double the discount; nowhere near his 75%, but still…oh wow. It’s the kind of tactic that has me planning a visit to Greggs this weekend where I’ll take my wife, kids and a camcorder, fawn all over the assistant while slipping in some “oh wows” and hope to leave with three sausage, bean and cheese melts, a vegan sausage roll and a steak bake and still have change from a quid. Inspirational stuff, Jack…

In a different part of the island, Jack’s sub team are wrestling with a number of difficult tasks. Not the actual items that need purchasing though, more stuff like which direction they’re headed in and where they might actually be on the map. The answer it seems is “around here somewhere”.

I’ve always thought that a market would be a great place to source items for this task. There’s a diverse range of products all in one place and the traders probably aren’t averse to a bit of bartering. Amina’s sub team have the same thought, but their plan crumbles when they forget to look at what’s on sale and just run around the market aimlessly. Karen, who is shadowing them can’t help but pull the usual unimpressed face – you know the one; like she’s just walked through someone else’s fart – as she passes a basket of potatoes and a jumper with an anchor on it, both of which are easy wins from the list!

The funny thing about this is that both teams fail to buy potatoes. Potatoes! In the boardroom, they’re both fined £90 for failing to buy some Jersey royals while wandering around Jersey, the home of Jersey royals. Oh dear.

Later, the same three individuals are clearly running out of time in which they might locate some elusive potatoes or even a jumper with an anchor on it. So they must come up with a plan. The time saving result? Pull over and have a bit of a think. Yep, that’ll make time stand still for a bit.

The task ends in the usual way, with both teams legging it to the meeting point in order to be on time. Sadly, the pulling over trick hasn’t worked, time hasn’t actually stood still and Jack is reduced to giving Amina a running piggy back up the causeway. They’re still late, but the rest of the team cheer like kids at a toddlers birthday anyway, because ultimately no one has the faintest idea what they’re doing.

In the boardroom, Lord Sugar can’t resist a little bit of Carry On style smut after one of the candidates had been asked to help with some glass blowing in order to get a discount on a product. Thankfully, with a nudge and a wink, we move on.

In no time at all, the ridiculously predictable happens. Jack’s team suffers a heavy defeat. And then a meltdown.

Some of the quotes that accompany the defeat tell their own story. “One of the worst results ever in this task”, “Pretty much the worst team that I ever had on this” and “Amateur”. As a viewer it’s nothing short of hilarious. In the boardroom, it must be terrifying. But then don’t claim to be the world’s greatest business person on your CV if you are in fact “amateur”!

In the end it’s almost irrelevant who leaves. The story is that Lord Sugar changes his mind and brings every member of the team back into the boardroom. The result? A quickfire double sacking and we wave goodbye to both Jack and Amina, which is the only fair result. The only question I’m left with isn’t about those two. It’s about Karen. Why does she so often feel the need to say “I gotta tell you” before telling us stuff?

Tonight, following yet more large scale ineptitude we’re left to mull over another line from Lord Sugar, who tells us, “You know what? I’m not happy.” Not happy? With two teams of grown ups that can’t find a potato? Why ever not?

Farewell to Dan Ashworth, the Alan Titchmarch of sporting directors.

So, after what has sometimes felt like some kind of drawn out soap opera storyline, it seems like it’s happening. Our sporting director, Dan Ashworth, has seemingly asked to leave in order to take on a similar role at Manchester United. Newcastle have rightly placed him on another spell of gardening leave and rightly so.

But is it really that big a deal and will anything particularly change at Newcastle?

Despite a social media frenzy of good riddances and doubts about his ability in the role, I think it’s clear to see that Ashworth has made some positive changes in his short time in the job and I’m disappointed by his lack of commitment. I wrote about them in another piece last year, so I won’t bang on too much here, but there have been positives. It’s just that we won’t see them bearing fruit for some time to come.

Ashworth was largely responsible for the signing of Yankuba Minteh, who if his early season form for Feyenoord is anything to go by, has the potential to go on and be a real star in the Premier league. On top of that, there have been some notable additions to our academy set up. Some of us have already witnessed a little of what Travis Hernes and Trevan Sanusi can do, but there are others such as the likes of the young Leo Shahar, Kacey Wooster and Michael Mills down the age groups, all brought in under Ashworth’s influence.

Ashworth has also overseen the development of the scouting network, with the club now very well equipped in terms of assigned scouts to various areas of the world. A number of top level appointments have been made over the last 18 months in order to build a network of people working for the club in order to find the next ‘big thing’ in whatever corner of the world they may be plying their trade. On top of that, the appointment of the experienced Marcel Bout as the Head of Global Scouting could well be an excellent move.

However, this is merely 18 months of good work. And it’s not something that will pay immediate dividends. In fact it’s far too soon to judge whether any of it is good at all. It could be argued too that it wouldn’t have taken a footballing genius to walk into Newcastle United and see that we needed more staff in all areas. Mike Ashley’s neglect in these areas has been well documented with the phrase ‘skeleton staff’ being used regularly to describe the whole operation and the phrase ‘Lee Charnley’ often shorthand for skeleton staff.

I don’t feel particularly qualified to accurately judge Ashworth’s work. I’m an English teacher and a football fan; what do I know about the quality of a sporting director’s work? What I do know is agreeing to join the club, talking of your role as a ‘long term project’ and then bailing on said project after 18 months when some friends come calling doesn’t seem particularly professional.

Delve deeper into Ashworth’s actions and it’s easy to start asking questions. I’ve read a lot about his ambition to align the scouting, analysis and medical departments in order to bring success. But the minute we mention the medical department it’s easy to start picking holes in what Ashworth has brought to the club. The Head Physio, Danny Murphy recently left the club and when we look at the amount of injuries and time lost to them at the club this season it’s hard not to put two and two together! A recent report said we’d lost 691 minutes to injury this season. Now, I know that’s not the fault of Dan Ashworth, but he’s the person who’s overseen the appointments of staff.

If we look at the signings that our sporting director has had a hand in, then it could be argued that more cracks appear. The most obvious problem comes with the transfer of Sandro Tonali and his subsequent ban for gambling. I realise that this could never be as cut and dried as we’d like it to be and that Ashworth cannot solely be blamed. Again though, the due diligence and background checks are all his responsibility. And even with the secretive nature of addiction, the fact that it all remained hidden from Ashworth doesn’t look good. I mean, we’re told about his contacts, his research, his analysis etc and yet this was allowed to happen. The buck has to stop somewhere.

Garang Kuol is another signing who has flattered to deceive and another signed on Ashworth’s watch. Yet to make an appearance in black and white, Kuol has been loaned out to Hearts, where he made 8 appearances and then Volendaam in Holland where he’s made 10. While the lad may have all the potential in the world and may even come good at Newcastle eventually, he’s yet to pull up any trees and his lack of progress looks sightly worrying.

Add to these names the likes of Lewis Hall, Jordan Hackett and Harrison Ashby and you might start to wonder about Ashworth’s judgement.

So what of the future without Dan Ashworth? Well, it’s safe to say that Brighton haven’t exactly suffered since he left. In fact, David Weir, the man who replaced Ashworth has gone on to make some excellent signings including Simon Adingra, Facundo Bounanotte – both of whom started in the recent win at Sheff Utd – and Joao Pedro who we failed to sign and has scored 19 goals already this season. Brighton also currently sit one place ahead of us in the table.

Given the size of the project that our owners have planned at Newcastle, it would be a surprise if there wasn’t a whole host of willing takers for the job. Gone are the days of appointing the likes of Joe Kinnear and we should be able to look forward to a top notch replacement. Names have been mentioned, but I’d be lying if I listed them and pretended to be impressed, as I know little or nothing about their work! But I’ll look forward to seeing who it is that we aim for.

Asides from this, our scouting department will have targets lined up, so it’s not as if losing Ashworth will mean that we can’t attract players. Work will have been ongoing for a long time and it’s been interesting to read reports about the fact that Ashworth’s access to our reports and plans has been rescinded while he’s been placed on ‘gardening leave’. It seems only right though.

In terms of the move, it would be wrong of me to say that I can’t see the attraction. Manchester United are one of the biggest clubs in the world and however you view their record over the last decade or so, they remain an attractive proposition for many in the world of football. Just ask their many fans from all corners of the globe! But their commercial activity and revenue is well documented and being at a club who aren’t as impaired by FFP/SPR would undoubtedly have its benefits.

In reality though, Manchester United are still a bit of a mess and it’ll be interesting to see just how much Sir Jim Radcliffe can get away with before the Glazers stick their collective oars in. The self styled biggest club in the world are currently 6th in the league and Champions League football is certainly not assured for next year. And with Ashworth calling the shots, will the fans settle for the sort of signings that on first viewing may not have them licking their lips in anticipation? After all, they’re a club who love a big name and all its associated glamour.

In the meantime, Ashworth finds himself on gardening leave once again, with his loyalty, ego and even his ability being questioned in some quarters. I keep reading about his successes elsewhere, but perhaps what’s happened at Newcastle might suggest that his powers are on the wane? Maybe, in the same way that all good managers have their time, he’s actually yesterday’s man. And maybe this paves the way for a real forward thinking appointment. The terms of his departure will be hugely important for Newcastle and it’s imperative that we get the best deal possible for the club.

I was delighted to read talk of us demanding £15 million in compensation as well as insisting on a long period of gardening leave. We cannot afford to roll over and submit to whatever demands are made of us. Written assurances need to be forthcoming about any further movement between the clubs and access to our transfer and scouting plans too. The hard work that has gone on over the past two years can’t just be undone because one man has moved on and thinks he can cherry pick whatever he wants at our club.

If Manchester United want Dan Ashworth so badly, then they should be made to pay the going rate. Given his statements about our club and fans in the past, perhaps Rio Ferdinand could chip in?

In the meantime, let’s hope that this latest development is simply a bump in the road and that once the idea of paying for what you want kicks in, the deal can be done and Newcastle United can move on.

Apprentice Week 3 – Virtual Escape Rooms.

I’ve never liked the idea of escape rooms. The challenge of getting out of a room that someone will eventually just let me out of anyway has no appeal to me. I don’t want to spend a shed load of money to then find that I’m way too stupid to figure out some puzzles. Coupled with the fact that if I went with my wife, we’d end up arguing to the point of possible divorce, tonight’s task doesn’t exactly excite me.

And then, I remember that Asif will be a project manager and I’m diving for the remote control!

Tonight Lord Sugar has sensed early that the boys are a dead loss and so he splits up the teams in the hope of adding at least a little bit of competition to the competition. I mean, we can’t all be satisfied to spend the entire series laughing at people who regard themselves as business gods, but make the decisions of toddlers, can we?

The first task for the newly formed teams is to decide on a name, but when Maura suggests what sounds like an Irish name, her team mates are stumped and get her to repeat it three times before rejecting it presumably because they still don’t know what she’s saying. And when so many people are so confused by just two syllables, then the writing is surely on the wall for tonight’s result.

On the other team, Flo seems to have decided that she actually is the team, which even after her excellent pitch last week, seems like a bit of an ask. Perhaps she’s a Flobot though?

As is often the way with creative tasks, these young titans of business just aren’t very creative and so the whole online escape room idea threatens to descend into even more chaos than usual. I’m forced to remind myself that in around 6 weeks time, some of these candidates will have morphed into genuinely credible business types before my very eyes, as is the case every year. For now though, it’s the usual festival of f***wittery.

In response to the brief that their game should be kept fairly simple, Asif’s team are genuinely discussing something that involves crash landing on a derelict ex-military island where there are not only rare animals, but inbred ones too. Thankfully, not enough eyes light up at that suggestion, but it is an indication that perhaps the BBC should be vetting the candidates with a bit more scrutiny in future.

This week, once again, it’s the editing that gives us our moments of genius as the silences that accompany a series of ever more bizarre suggestions taking the limelight away from the contestants themselves.

In the end, after one silence too many Asif’s game design team settle on a rare animal to inhabit their island. It’s a bear. Not even a rare one. Just a bear. And in fact there are three of them that because they’re computer generated, look like they might be line dancing. Escape that, gaming nerds!

Over on the other side Tre decides that the mayor character in their game needs to be young and handsome, so decides to cast himself in the role and proceeds to guide the computer bloke to find a face that’s as close to his own as he can! He then proceeds to double down on his Tre-ness by doing the voiceover as well.

On the other team, Maura struggles with her voiceover – as well as simply looking in the right direction – so that the end result is akin to me getting one of my Year 8 students to act out an airline safety briefing. Suffice to say, if somehow, someone had got me to have a look at this particular escape room, the intro would have me doing a swift about turn and heading for the nearest exit.

As ever, both teams make a mess of their logos. This is always the way and again begs the question about business types perhaps not being particularly creative. And Asif’s logo very much backs this up, given his obsession with adding a couple of arrows to both of the words. Someone suggests that it looks ‘a little like a supermarket logo’. Surely what they mean is that it looks a Lidl like a supermarket logo?

With both Escape Rooms complete – and frankly pretty shit – the teams go to pitch their ideas. Flo is quick to back herself, which after last week’s performance seems like a safe bet. So, it’s a shock when she dries up mid pitch and clearly doesn’t know what to say. It’s both compulsive viewing and a moment where you want the ground to just swallow her up. In the end, she just introduces the video for the escape room and passes it off in the boardroom later on as something that lasted a millisecond. It’s a shock after seeing her being so competent in negotiation last week though.

At the end of the pitch one of the investors declares that Flo’s escape room is ‘as fun as a wet fish’, proving that the game might be a bit of a failure, but not as much of a failure as a gamer having to come up with a slick one liner.

Meanwhile, with the other team, the experts declare that their game is a bit surreal. However, Asif has the perfect comeback – it isn’t surreal, it’s meant to be realistic. That’s the game where a military helicopter crash lands on a derelict military island (whatever that might be) and the pilot not only survives the helicopter crash, but has to get away from some line-dancing bears, before running across a rickety bridge and then having a dance on the deck of a conveniently located ship. Yep, you’re right Asif. That’s not in the least bit surreal.

Tonight I suddenly realise that there are several candidates that I don’t even know the name of. In fact, there’s at least one I have no recollection of whatsoever. Could we see a sacking next week just because someone has been hiding a bit? You heard it here first, folks!

Paul then gives such a convoluted explanation of their game that after the full 3 minutes of him rambling on about what the game entails, all we need is a cry of ‘Parklife’ and we’re done. Suffice to say though, there are a few puzzled faces in the panel of experts.

In the boardroom I realise that I’m spending far too long trying to work out Asif’s hair. I mean, what does he ask for when he sits down in the chair? At one point it looks like there’s a giant spider attached to the back of his head and there’s sections of hair heading to every compass point on the top of his head. By this point in proceedings his team have lost and despite making a profit, they’ve lost by a landslide too.

Asif proceeds to blame everyone else for the failure, but unless the twist is that Amina is sacked because she forgot how to speak in the pitch, then there’s only one decision to make.

And so it comes to pass that Asif is fired having lost control in the boardroom and seen the other three candidates simply turn on him. When he’s told he’s “a poor, poor manager” he tells us “I won’t be defeated”. Famous last words, my friend! Before we know it he’s getting into the black cab never to be seen again.

Back at the house, the surviving candidates are as full of themselves as ever, until Lord Sugar knocks at the door. I really want him to be trying to sell them something, but alas he’s just introducing next week’s task, which is the purchasing task over on one of the Channel Islands.

The candidates are delighted, with one declaring, “a treasure hunt on an island. What more could you want?” Ooh, I don’t know…some line dancing bears, maybe?

But there’s more. In the outro of tonight’s show we get a teaser for next week with Lord Sugar growling the line “pretty much the worst team I’ve ever had on this task” which makes me laugh uproariously.

They say that we love the underdog in the U.K., but I’m gradually coming round to the idea that we love an abject failure even more. I cannot wait for next Thursday!

The Apprentice – Episode 2: Cheesecakes

A familiar start this week, when a tired candidate is woken by the phone in the hall and stumbles down seemingly with no idea at all who could be calling at this time of the morning. It’s the lass that works for Lord Sugar…always her!

And then, aided by the magic of television and an audience that is quite happy to go along with the old lie that they’ve got just 20 minutes to get ready, the early morning darkness has given way to bright sunshine and the candidates are scrubbed up and leaving for work. Exactly how we all get ready for work, right?

This week, we’re making mini cheesecakes and while the boys go with experienced pie maker and ‘Supreme Pie Champion 2020’ Phil as their team leader, the girls plump for Foluso because no one else was willing to step up. Actually, that’s a lie. Maura said she’d “made cheesecakes before” but surprisingly, no one viewed that as a serious bid for office. It did make me think that perhaps I could have PM’d this task though. I too have “made cheesecakes before” – you know those ones you get in boxes – and have a high propensity for bullshit (which I’m aware makes me at least 50% eligible to PM any task, ever). If only I’d thought to take my business experience of three years working in a call centre and applied.

I always find the group meetings pretty funny. It genuinely amazes me the amount of truly awful ideas one table of people can have and tonight it’s a real surprise that no one suggests something like an offal cheesecake. However, once the decisions are made, Paul B rallies the troops with a cry of “Any hiccups, let’s not cry about spilt milk!” And I thought you just had to hold your breath…

Tonight we hear the first pitching klaxon when Flo assures the girls that she’ll do the pitch as she does them all the time to massive clients, so everything will be fine. This type of thing usually ensures that there’ll be a stuttering disaster and the longest few minutes of someone’s life, followed by the very same person declaring that they thought it all went well. This time though, the klaxon is a red herring and Flo follows through on all of her promises, leaving us all probably rather impressed, while also a little disappointed at the same time.

In the kitchen with the girls, the expected chaos ensues. But it’s not this that catches my attention. No, what grabs me is their inability to say the word kilogrammes. It seems that tonight, we’re only able to refer to KGs. Weird.

The boys go to pitch their idea to the smoothies company Innocent, who are extremely well know for their mission of charging the country ludicrous amounts of money so that they can have all their fruit and veg in liquid form. Fine by me. This is not a mission that the boys are on board with, however and instead the mantra appears to be ‘WHATEVER THEY SAY ABOUT FRUIT, VEG AND HEALTHY EATING, JUST KEEP INSISTING ON CHOCOLATE’! Surprisingly, the Innocent representatives don’t feel that they want to pay £8 a cheesecake for something that sticks two fingers up to their mission statement. The boys meekly drop their price and offer some vague fruit based dessert instead. Later, Lord Sugar misses a trick by failing to label it “Not a very smoothie move”.

Amazingly, there’s a moment of business synergy tonight between the teams. Sadly, it comes during deliberations about flavours for the cheesecakes as both spend far too much time discussing popping candy as an ingredient for their high end cheesecakes. It’s sadder still when neither team goes with the idea.

As the episode goes on, I’m finding myself more and more fascinated by the boys. They actually seem to be making a decent fist of their cheesecake business and yet they still manage to add a healthy dollop of incompetence to their ingredients. Every few minutes brings something that leaves me asking ‘WHAT?’ of the telly.

First, they spend far too long discussing making a more efficient system before being unable to come up with an efficient system. Then they decide that they need a cover story about the crumbling bases of their cheesecakes, but all they can manage is “Give them a spoon and tell them it’s a dessert”. I mean, it kind of is a dessert, guys.

After last week’s corporate away day task descended into 90s rave territory, the theme surfaces again when one of the boys rallies the troops with a cry of ‘let’s make some noise’ and suddenly I’m thinking of glo sticks and bucket hats. And finally, there’s even more befuddlement when one of them tells the Innocent people that the cheesecake contains a fruit they might not have heard of.

In the boardroom, there seems to be no obvious winner tonight and yet, when the result is announced it’s the girls who get their just desserts (see what I did there?) with another landslide win. And it’s well deserved too with Flo in particular flagging herself up as one to watch with her impressive negotiating skills.

Meanwhile, the boys are left to face another heavy defeat, even though they didn’t really put in a bad performance. Yes, there was the usual halfwittery along the way, but they actually made a profit, which in a profit task is the name of the game.

It’s no surprise when Paul B is called back into the boardroom by project manager Phil and Asif pretty much talks himself back there too when he just sits there and tells a few half truths while grassing up anyone who he happens to even glance at. He even swerves Lord Sugar’s question about what he did on the task by ignoring it, flipping it round and just asking his fellow team members what it was that they did. He may well have out sugared Lord Sugar and I’m amazed when he’s allowed off the hook.

In the end, it’s Paul B that goes. And while this Pie man fails on the cooking task, he leaves as an Apprentice legend (in my eyes at least). For there is none of the usual fawning of ‘Thank you for the opportunity Lord Sugar”. Instead, Paul just shrugs his shoulders, smiles and tells Lord Sugar, “Fair enough, mate” before taking his wheelie suitcase off towards a waiting black cab. Well done, sir!

Gallowgate Cult Heroes: Number 5 Barry Venison

It’s still quite rare for a player to cross the divide between black and white and red and white. In my lifetime there haven’t been that many and even if we go right back in time, a player who played for both is usually rare enough to grab a bit of attention. However, it’s even more rare for one of these moves to be deemed a success. Just ask Lee Clark or Michael Chopra!

Arguably one of the biggest successes in playing for both Newcastle and Sunderland would be Barry Venison who was adored during his time at both clubs.

Venison arrived at Newcastle from Liverpool in a £295,000 deal. We were in the second tier of English football, having just escaped relegation to Division 3 at the end of the previous season under Kevin Keegan. King Kev was now assembling a squad for a promotion challenge, with the Premiership (now the Premier League) only a year old. Venners would become a key component in that Championship winning season.

Barry had, of course, started his career at Sunderland in 1981. He would become their captain at just age 20, eventually playing a total of 205 times and becoming the youngest player to captain a side at Wembley when our lovely neighbours lost the 1985 Milk Cup. He would leave for the all conquering Liverpool side of the 80s in 1986 in a £200,000 deal and stay there for 6 years before he joined us.

Venison brought much needed big game experience and guile to a squad that, while it was being overhauled, still contained many of the squad from the previous almost disastrous campaign. The likes of Lee Clark, Robbie Elliot and Steve Howey would learn a lot from Venners and his influence would be felt by incoming future superstars like Rob Lee and Andy Cole too. So while Brian Kilcline would start the season as captain, Venison was very much the power behind the throne and would eventually take the captaincy when Killer was out of the side. A latter day Kieran Trippier, if you will. Just with bigger hair.

Undoubtedly, part of Venison’s appeal was his sense of ‘style’. He was no ordinary everyday footballer with his long, flowing blonde locks and unique fashion sense. He was the closest thing we’d get to Miami Vice on Tyneside and some of his choices were legendary. He embraced bleached bootcut jeans and at times even paired them with cowboy boots, while on his wedding day he wore a pink suit, looking every inch the Don Johnson lookalike and outshining his bride at the same time!

A tough tackling, hard running overlapping right back he quickly became a firm favourite with our fans. And although he would only ever score one goal for the club, he was always at the front of the queue when celebrating other people’s goals. Barry simply loved the celebrations and could regularly be found piling in on top of those shaking their fists at the crowd!

After winning the Division One championship, Venners continued as a regular at right back in the team that brought European football back to St. James’ Park for the ’94/95 season. However, that would be the season where his partying pushed one too many of Keegan’s buttons and he was stripped of the captaincy. He would also lose his spot in the team at right back after Marc Hottiger was brought in.

However, Venison was then reborn, converted to a holding midfielder by Keegan. He took to the position like a duck to water as well and was called up by England in the same season.

Barry Venison was what we might call a character. Someone who threw himself into life as a footballer and who – in terms of the modern day footballer – it could be argued, very much made the most of his slightly limited ability. He would move on to Galatasaray at the end of the ’94/’95 season but would live long in the memory of many a Mag. A cross between some kind of catalogue model and a slightly effeminate Viking, Barry more than successfully crossed the divide and his red and white background was never held against him.

The Apprentice 2024 – a few observations on episode 1…

I’ll confess that I’d forgotten about The Apprentice this year. And if I’d have remembered, I probably would have been reasonably adamant that I wasn’t going to watch it. Same old fame hungry, obnoxious parade of fools, same old Lord Sugar wisecracks and same old tasks. Somehow though, when we realised that our series link on Sky was taping it, we found ourselves drawn to the familiarity of the whole thing. So, what did I find in episode 1?

In short, it was the same old fame hungry, obnoxious parade of fools, the same old Lord Sugar wisecracks and the same old tasks…and yet, I was gripped throughout!

I missed the first few minutes – busy with hunting down less than healthy snacks, I’m afraid – so if there were the usual claims of invincibility, possession of the world’s greatest personality or superhuman sales powers, then I wasn’t there for that.

I joined the candidates – not literally – in the boardroom where Lord Sugar introduced us to this year’s two tables full of business jesters and it felt like his pre-written ‘off the cuff’ jokes about the candidates were more obvious than ever. Mind you, he had everyone chuckling loudly along; but then what else are you going to do when your fate lies in his hands? I mean, imagine the year when someone pipes up with an unexpected comeback…

One candidate had listed himself as a combination of brains and beauty on his CV, to which Sugs added “and bollocks”. And it’s wit like that, as well as a wonderful gift for alliteration that keeps us all glued to the screen, isn’t it? That said, this bloke was hardly George Clooney, so maybe our resident Lord was just being accurate, rather than funny.

This year, there’s a twist; the first task is the corporate away day task, rather than the finding items one and while I’d been my usual cynical self to this point, now even I’m taking a sharp intake of breath. I mean, this can only go wrong, surely. Thankfully – spoiler alert – wrong is very much the word here.

The teams are split into girls and boys and if they’re given a witty business name, then I don’t catch it. Tonight, they’re off to the highlands of Scotland and so when Virdi volunteers to be project manager and then says he’ll treat the clients to some bhangra dancing, it’s a bit of a surprise. I’d innocently expected something a bit more traditional, but maybe that’s why I’m still an English teacher rather than a business titan.

As both teams plan their ‘experience’ it’s hard not to use your foresight and spot where it might all unravel. Especially tonight, when every plan sounds fraught with danger and the chance of throwing money away. On the boys team someone promises to ‘bring the pardy’ – yep, not ‘party’ – and I’m immediately wondering if perhaps his last pardy was for his own 5th birthday. Meanwhile, the girls decide that the world class highland games athlete isn’t needed for their own mini highland games, so they’ll just do it themselves. I mean, it’s only throwing tree trunks and boulders about, so what could possibly go wrong when you don’t really know what you’re doing?

Over on the boy’s team they’d decided that offering a welcome drink of a glass of water to their corporate clients was a good idea and – hands up if you can see something going wrong here – the team running the activity had told the team doing the food to have it ready for 2.15, on the dot. Don’t anyone worry though; these are young titans of business, so someone’s absolutely sure to be keeping an eye on the time.

Speaking of food teams, there’s something not quite right about the fishcakes that the girls are making for their client’s dinner. And at the same time, the mix for the rhubarb crumble has gone missing. I mean, they couldn’t have, could they? Turns out they could.

The editing on The Apprentice is always brilliantly done and cut together to make sure that the narrative fits together in a way that means you’re never quite sure who will win and where the next point of tension will come from. In the opening episode we get just enough of a tease about the crumble fishcakes, followed by no further reference to them until right before they’re being served up. As a result, the tension was palpable as they were served up, with no one sure of what was about to happen. I have to say that the slow reveal of the client’s facial reaction as the sweet fishcakes hit their tastebuds was a thing of beauty! But the unwitting candidates reacted well, with Sam pacifying them the promise of a dessert that would be to die for, which it turns out, had the eaten it, they almost certainly would have.

As we wondered what the client was going to eat, we left the girls camp to head back to the boys, where ‘surprise, surprise’ the activity had run over. Cut to the kitchen and the food is out, but 2.15 has very quickly become almost 3pm! The result? In a staggering display of not actually grasping the gravity of the situation, Asif and Tre pretty much blamed the kitchen staff!

And when we then saw the clients tapping the sausages off the plate and heard the accompanying ‘clang’ it was hard to argue about where the blame should lie…unless you knew about the 2.15 deadline, that is! Again though, the story here – and the comedy – is in the faces of everyone involved. The poor hungry clients who’ve paid hundreds of pounds for a bit of a walk, some bhangra dancing, a toe curling episode where Virdi does some horrendous MCing and genuinely asks the client to ‘make some noise’ not once, but twice, followed by some toad in the hole, are horrified!

Amazingly for the entertainment offered up by the boy’s team, the best is yet to come and in fact, will be offered up in instalments in what remains of the episode. And the first instalment, there’s not long to wait as despite the enormous levels of sheer disaster about the whole day, Jack still has the sheer brass neck to ask if anyone would like to give a tip!

In the boardroom, I’m fully expecting a history making multiple sacking, with Lord Sugar’s pointy finger working overtime. Both teams have to give refunds, but despite the girl’s making a measly £122 profit, it’s the boys who lose after a 52% refund turns their profit into a staggering loss! The comedy reaches its peak when one of them initially claps and whoops a bit, explaining that he thought they’d made £300 profit and won. The silence is deafening. This guy is not being given a quarter of a million pounds of Lord Sugar’s money!

In then end, despite organising surely one of the worst corporate days out in history, project manager Virdi is saved for ‘having the balls to step up’ according to Lord Sugar. Or was it just because here is a man who has only given the tiniest glimpse of his capacity for entertaining the nation? We’ll find out in the coming weeks.

For now though, it’s Oliver who’s fired, seemingly because he just looked a lot more gormless than the rest of the lads, which is an achievement in itself.

I can’t promise a review every week, but I can promise that The Apprentice is sure to serve up some classic comedy in the coming months. If only that was the remit…

Always Look on The Bright Side: 5 Things that Made Me Smile in January.

I’ve not written one of these types of blogs for a little while. It’s not been a case of everything being terrible during that time; more just being incredibly busy. And anyway, who really needs a blogger telling them that Christmas makes them happy?

I went into January purposely telling myself to be positive. It’s not a month that I’m a great fan of and I decided that if I just forced myself to be relentlessly positive, it might make it easier to get through. And while I wouldn’t say that it’s been a resounding success, it’s definitely been helpful. This attitude did mean that I actively sought out reasons to be cheerful.

So, what’s made me smile this month?

The tidy Welsh mouse. I loved this and I couldn’t stop watching the accompanying video. It’s a BBC report about a retired postman in Wales who was baffled by the fact that bits and pieces kept getting tidied away in his shed at night. Seeking an answer to this mystery, he set up a night vision camera on his workbench. When he watched footage back he was greeted by the fantastic sight of a mouse tidying stuff like nuts, bolts and pegs away into whatever container had been left out.

And it got better – Rodney (our retired postman) then started experimenting by leaving different types of objects out, but whatever he left got tidied away! The only disappointment was the name that he gave the mouse; Welsh Tidy Mouse. I mean anything would have been better than that! Anyway, you can watch the little fella on the link below. The mouse that is, not Rodney.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-67902966

Newcastle United winning the derby. If you’re not a football fan or just have no knowledge of Newcastle United and our derby match, allow me to fill you in. Our closest geographical rivals are called Sunderland. However, we haven’t played them in a long time due to being in different divisions. Well, this all changed when we were drawn to play against each other in the FA Cup in early January.

The lead up to the game was tense, to say the least and there was the usual back and forth about who would win between the two sets of fans. It’s an intense rivalry, to say the least.

It’s a game I really don’t enjoy and the nerves are horrendous. Suffice to say, come the day of the game I was unusually quiet and felt very sick indeed. I needn’t have worried though, as we wound up winning the game fairly easily (3-0) and it was an absolute joy to behold. Football eh? It’s only a game and yet somehow, it’s really much, much more than that!

Making plans for a bit of a meet up. I live a long way from both of my childhood best friends. One of them, I see a few times a year as he lives in the town where I grew up, so a visit to see family will always take in a meet up with him and his family.

However, the other spends a lot of his year living abroad as part of his job. We haven’t seen each other in a good few years, so when we were exchanging messages a few months back we came up with the idea of a meet up. It’s something we’ve often floated in the past but it just never seems to happen.

This time though, things are looking good and the provisional idea is that we’re going to meet somewhere that is reasonably equidistant to our houses and go for a hike. It might be in the Peak District, which also happens to be one of my favourite regions of England. We’ve not quite got anything concrete planned as yet, but I’m right in the middle of planning and for once, it looks like we will actually see this one through. Definitely a reason to smile.

Some good news on the running front. Regular readers of my blog will be familiar with my love of running. People who are new to the blog, forgive me; it’s something that I never tire of banging on about and I’m probably very much a running bore!

Anyway, so far this January I’ve managed to get myself entered for two 10k races – one in March and one in May – and my training is going fairly well. I’ve not pushed myself too hard, but have still been regularly going out and running between 5 and 6 miles a week. And as of yesterday, I learnt that the 10k I’m taking part in this March will also feature several mates from work, which is always good fun. It’s always lovely to see people at these things, not least because they’re all incredibly encouraging.

I still get incredibly nervous at these things and nowadays am always worried that something will go wrong and that I’ll have another episode with my heart, however unlikely that might be. So, when I’m getting ready to run, I know that I’ll probably bump into someone that will ask about my health, my pacemaker and just really help to calm me down. And that, dear reader, will at least make me smile a tiny bit.

Yoga. Several years ago and with more than a hint of cynicism, I was persuaded to give yoga a try. I was sure it wouldn’t be for me and sure, given the fitness I thought I already had that it’d be a breeze. I quickly learnt that it was very tough going indeed.

However, I loved doing yoga from that very first session and although it confirmed my lack of flexibility, I was keen at least! Sadly, with the pressures of work and having a young family we ended up giving it up after about 6 months. We always thought we’d start again fairly soon. That didn’t transpire though.

This January my wife suggested we try again and given that I seem to be constantly training for something or other, I was quickly in agreement. We started about three weeks ago and have been doing a couple of sessions per week. We’re not attending classes, just using the YouTube app on the television to follow the regime of one of many yoga instructors out there, but it’s working.

I have to say, I’m loving it once again. Yoga is generally tough, especially when you’re as inflexible as me, but it helps me to relax and I know that in another few weeks I’ll start to reap the benefits. So, when I’m stuck in some ridiculous position, every sinew straining, my body probably wobbling a bit with the pressure of that particular pose, you can be sure that a smile won’t be far away.

If you’ve never tried yoga I can definitely recommend it!

NUFC – We can’t do right for doing wrong?

Newcastle United fans, eh? What are we like? With our bloody flags, our songs and our attempts to support our team and help them to win football matches. But that’s not all. What about the club and the team? Buying success, celebrating goals and wins and inventing ‘shithousery’ being the tip of the iceberg. Who do we think we are, eh?

Having supported Newcastle United for over 40 years, I can’t say that we’ve always been popular. The Keegan years aside when we were everyone’s second team, apparently, someone’s always had a problem with Newcastle United. Oddly enough, that problem has grown exponentially over the last two years…I can’t think why.

Do I care what fans of other clubs think? No, of course not. I’m very much with Eddie Howe on this one; we’re not here to be popular, we’re here to compete.

That said, I do find the amount of complaints about us and the amount of moaning from other fans, really, really funny. So, I thought I’d go through a few things that spring to mind, especially as the attention on us seems to have ramped up significantly this season.

Eddie Howe is the master protagonist in all of this. As soon as he joined the club in November 2021, he set about winding up fans of other clubs. And how did he do it? The Lap of Appreciation. Win, lose or draw, our team and staff would stay on the pitch and walk round clapping. Clapping! I mean, straight away you can see how that would irk fans of other clubs. Who does he think he is getting 30 odd men and women to amble round a load of grass clapping at folk? God forbid, if I supported anyone else I’d be understandably livid at all that clapping!

The main problem here, according to fans of other clubs is that we haven’t won a trophy. So, of course we’re not allowed to celebrate anything, ever. In fact it’s possible that within a few months the Premier League will ask clubs to vote on whether clubs in black and white stripes can celebrate goals. Maybe, we can even expect a subsection about getting excited or something like that. That’s before we even get onto the crowd roaring at a tackle being made or a player enjoying the same, which has a seismic influence on the mood of other fans. More evidence of what a small club we are, apparently…

The point in all of this – and I truly hope we all got the sarcasm – is that it’s absolutely ridiculous and more than just a little bit pathetic. Two years of whingeing, moaning, bleating on and the crying of gallons of salty tears and all because what was once dubbed ‘a wee club in the north’ are challenging the status quo again. But the ridiculousness doesn’t stop there.

Probably most famously, Eddie then brought in the celebration photo. That’s right, a photo of people celebrating! So, when we win a match the whole squad, staff and even injured players have a photo in the dressing room. Personally, I love it. It’s a brilliant illustration of the spirit and the togetherness in the squad and coming after watching teams with fractured dressing rooms and very little spirit for years and years, it’s a welcome addition to the way we do things.

Other fans loathe that photo, which is hilarious! When we’ve won, social media is just a wonderful illustration of how much we’ve upset what some fans see as being the natural order of things. And of course, it was even funnier when Jason Tindall organised the squad and staff into formation in front of the away fans at the end of our derby win at the Stadium of Shite recently. The irony of being told that we showed a lack of respect is amazing, given the neanderthal taunts of the opposition over the years!

The re-birth of Wor Flags was something else that got on the nerves of non Mags. While it only requires possession of a pair of functioning eyes to admire the sheer brilliance of some of the displays, apparently if you don’t support Newcastle, they’re anything from ‘pathetic’ to ’embarrassing’. Not as embarrassing as the 17 grand Tunnocks appreciation display that we were subjected to at the weekend, mind. But again, we’re in the wrong for supporting our team, especially if you believe the old opposition fan favourite that it’s all funded by the Saudis anyway, which is obviously bollocks. But why let the truth get in the way of your salty tears and another ridiculous conspiracy theory?

As well as that we’ve also invented something called ‘shithousery’. Previously known as ‘game management’ when certain other clubs did it, it’s been rebranded seemingly because we did it better. Fans of Premier League clubs have been up in arms in stadiums, online and on radio talk ins about how we’re ruining the game with our two balls on the pitch shenanigans and conveniently faked injuries. And the mention of Jason Tindall is like a red rag to a bull!

It’s been amusing to watch the sheer amount of people tearing their hair out over the last couple of years and it’s particularly hilarious to watch the complaints from the so called ‘Big 6’. They really don’t like any attempt to level the playing field, do they?

One of the funniest things I’ve read from opposition fans though, is the one about 5.30 kick offs on a Saturday night. If you haven’t heard it, you’ll love it. The conspiracy theory goes that we get given this kick off time ‘every week’ meaning that we’re on TV. And of course, the reason for that is because it’s prime time in Saudi Arabia, meaning that our legions of fans out there and more appropriately, our ownership can watch the games. This is of course because our owners are bribing Sky…

The mind boggles! No thought to the fact that it actually puts our travelling support out, just a blind belief that kicking off at 5.30 on a Saturday somehow gives us an ill gotten advantage. Once again, it’s good to see we’re at the forefront of so many people’s minds, even if literally none of it makes any sense whatsoever. God forbid that our fans sing and cheers the lads on at those games. And Heaven help anyone who brings a bloody flag!

And then we had the sheer temerity to qualify for a place in the Champions League. Again, there was outrage. The Champions League, it seems was a closed shop where only the clubs who wanted to leave it and the Premier League to form their own EuroMegaSuperDoopa league were allowed to play and make money from. A strange logic, but one that we should have accepted, apparently. Thus, the fume was very much real when poor old Liverpool could only finish in 5th and super club Spurs only just made the top 10.

And so, when the Champions League draw was made and we ended up in our ‘Group of Death’ it must’ve felt like Christmas morning in certain parts of the country! The come down after we hammered PSG on the second matchday would have really, really hurt though! Apparently, us being in the competition was futile and our place would have been much better filled by a ‘big club’. Well, it’s hard to see how any of those ‘big clubs’ other than Man City would have coped a great deal better in the group we’ve got. And the fact that we were still in with a chance of qualifying for the next stage of the competition until the last seconds of the group stage is huge and it’s the kind of thing that would have been eating away at fans of certain clubs. It’s been borne out by the reaction to us going out of the competition. It’s funny how we matter so much!

The last moan, and one of the funniest, is the one that seems to suggest that we’ve found a way to influence the PGMOL and VAR officials. It’s an idea that’s been floated more or less every time we’ve got a decision, but the home game against Arsenal caused a little bit of a stir to say the least. I won’t go too far into it, but our winning goal was checked, checked and checked again and still ruled legitimate. They even reviewed the whole thing independently a couple of days later and it was still a goal.

None of this stopped the crying though, with yet more allegations about our owners having some mysterious influence over officials. Mikel Arteta also went into meltdown not once but twice which was pretty hysterical. I must admit, this didn’t really bother me. I could kind of see the point. If that goal had been given against us, I’d have questioned it as well. I wouldn’t have blamed Arsenal’s ownership or fans though. Sadly, they’re probably still banging on about it even as I type.

So what happened next – 4 weeks on from that game and goal – was pretty funny, really. And predictable, I suppose. When we were on the the wrong end of a VAR shocker with the PSG penalty there was more vitriol, desperation and petty jealousy. The word that seemed to be most prevalent on social media was karma. Now karma is a concept I have a bit of belief in, as it goes. But the next morning, when the assistant VAR who recommended that the ref go to the screen was stood down from his next game and then UEFA clarified and updated the handball rule, it was just obvious that it had been a shocking decision against us. Less karma, more drama it seemed.

It’s been a funny old couple of years as a Toon fan. No one likes us, but as the song goes, we don’t care. This was always going to be the way. Having been bought by an organisation worth hundreds of billions, the green eyed monster was bound to surface at some point. It was probably just a bit quicker than any of us might have expected and definitely from lots of unexpected fanbases. I mean, Crystal Palace? Who knew they were such human rights activists? And let’s not get started on our friends down the road and their sudden penchant for shouting about blood on people’s hands.

For such a ‘small club’, we’ve come a long way in a very short space of time, eh?

Running: How a change of scenery can make all the difference.

If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time you’ll already be aware that I love running. It’s something I’ve done for most of my life and the older I get, the more kind of evangelical I can feel about it. Running clears my mind while also testing me to my limits. There’s a lot to love about that, as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve written quite a bit about running; from tips, to accounts of races and even reviews of books on the subject. Recently though, I got to thinking about motivation; what gets me out, what I enjoy the most, what keeps me going when I’m exhausted or even just not feeling quite right.

I didn’t come up with a whole host of factors, to be honest. In the main it’s sheer bloody-mindedness that keeps me going. I set a goal and refuse to give up. However, one thing I have realised is what a difference a change of scenery can make.

Essentially, I’m a creature of habit. I’m usually happy just running around various routes where I live. However, I’ve come to realise that the odd change of scenery can be quite inspiring too and nowadays it’s the kind of thing that gets me genuinely excited about going for a run.

I’m lucky with where I live. There are plenty of places where you can go for a reasonably quiet run and not have too many obstacles – gangs of teenagers, yappy dogs – to avoid. And if you like hills, then you’ll find plenty where I am! I can’t say I’ve always been a fan, but the more I put myself through it with those hills, the more I enjoy the challenge. But sometimes, the same few routes can get a bit monotonous.

A few years ago I started to do Parkruns and I enjoyed the change of scenery, even if the trails weren’t the most fun for me. It was at a local country park called Oakwell Hall, which I knew well anyway. But even though there are a few Parkruns local to me, I’ve still only ever done the one. I think it’s just the thought of getting up early on a Saturday and the drive to get there that keeps me away.

What really inspired me to seek out different places to run was taking my running gear on holiday when we went to Majorca about 6 years ago. Again, I knew the place fairly well. It was Puerta Pollensa and we’d been there a few times before. Having watched loads of cyclists setting off from our hotel every morning, I got to wondering what it would be like to get out and explore a bit, rather than just sitting around the pool. And so, one year I took my gear and went out midway through our week there.

It was an absolute game changer! I remember that it unusually hot and that the sky was incredibly blue with not a cloud to spoil it. It was April, but felt more like a hot summer’s day. I only ran for about 4 miles – in the end the heat got to me – but it felt wonderful. I could gaze up at the mountains as I went and take in the early Spring flowers that were out in force. For the first few miles I didn’t give a single thought to pace or how my body felt. And so I decided that I’d make this a regular holiday thing and subsequently managed a couple of more runs in Puerta Pollensa.

Since then, I’ve tried to add some occasional variety to my routes both at home and on holiday and it always inspires me. I’ve been to a few different places locally, exploring bits of other towns and villages and I always find that the change of scene concentrates my mind a little more. I often take photos on the way though, so it also slows me down a bit.

Further holidays have meant different runs too, some more challenging than others!

We usually head down to North Wales early in the summer holidays and running there is always a test as it’s just incredibly hilly. The scenery is amazing and there’s the added bonus of ending up on a beautiful beach, but when I’m dragging myself up those hills it’s hard to reconcile the sense of challenge against the feeling of liquid legs and a pounding heart. Heading off the roads and on to the beach; hearing the noise of the waves, passing the sand dunes and feeling the slight give of the sand under your feet is pretty special though.

I usually run 6 mile loop when I’m down there. It takes in 6 big steep hills (I so want to call them mountains!) as well as the downside to a few of them too, which is always a blessed relief. On the route there are views of some mountains, a golf course, some beautiful houses and even a llama farm! Believe me, there’s nothing quite like the sight of grazing llamas on a remote Welsh hillside to wake you up on a morning!

We took an Autumn break in October 2022 and I was really looking forward to going for a run. We were heading to Alcudia in Majorca and not only did it look beautiful, but it looked flat too. I couldn’t wait to get out there and follow any runs up with a long dip in the hotel pool! And then I collapsed in the airport which eventually led to me having heart surgery less than a month later! So, running in Alcudia remains on the ‘change of scenery’ list!

In the latter part of last year I managed two more runs in very different places. Firstly, on a trip home to Newcastle to see family and friends I got up especially early, having plotted out a route along the edges of a local industrial estate and ran a 10k. Not the greatest scenery ever, although there was a brief view of the Angel of The North, but it was the flattest run I’d done in ages meaning I could really have a go at a good time. It was also reasonably quiet, presumably because most of the factories and businesses had started work, so that was also quite nice – none of the usual fighting for pavement space or avoiding rogue dogs!

My last ‘away’ runs of the year came once again in Majorca. Following last year’s troubled break we went away again in early November determined to make the most of the break and knowing that I’d be able to take part much more than last time!

I managed to find a street map via Google and so planned out a route that I could take, looking it over several times in order to try and commit it to memory. It took in some of the quieter parts of town and some of the outskirts and more rural areas as well as a good portion of the sea front, so I was sure to have plenty of sights to take my mind off those aching legs!

As you’d expect, running in Majorca was hot, even in November, and so it made it fairly difficult, but the change of scenery worked its magic. In fact, it worked so well on my first run that I actually managed to get lost, running down what I thought was the right road before discovering it was a dead end after about half a mile and styling it out by turning round and running up the other side of the road as if that was what I’d intended all along!

The mistake meant that I was determined to get back out later in the week, just so that I could check out the bits of the route that I’d missed. And so, a couple of days later I set out again and managed a slightly quicker 5k while keeping the pace low enough to be able to take in every last one of the sights. So, not a serious bit of training, but a lot more interesting than my usual routes!

This year I plan to add more changes of scene to my running routine and have already signed up to a new race, with more to come. We’ll definitely be off on holiday too, so I’ll be making sure to take my gear with me. Aside from that I’d like to explore a few more places and have vague plans for some very early starts that will enable me to drive out to a few places and go running there. I haven’t settled on anywhere specific yet, but I won’t leave it long.

So, if you feel like you’re stuck in a rut with your running or just a little bit bored, try a change of scenery. It really can make all the difference!