Article – Page 12 – Middle Age Fanclub

Running: As Spring heads into Summer, here’s a cautionary tale.

I’ve labelled this as a running blog, but with the weather beginning to heat up, I guess it’s just a cautionary tale for lots of us, really.

On Friday I went out for my usual after work run. I’m currently training for an upcoming 10k and so had hoped to run the same distance, just to see how it felt. However, even as I went out at just before 6pm, it was still 24 degrees, which is hot for us northerners. It would have been hot to sit in, but I chose to go for a run!

It was an absolutely beautiful evening. The sun was shining in a lovely blue sky and there wasn’t much of a breeze. But it didn’t take long for me to realise that this was going to be a bit of a struggle.

After a couple of miles, while I wasn’t struggling, I was uncomfortable. The heat meant that I was losing my focus and in turn I was thinking about the fact that I was too warm, too thirsty and beginning to feel tired. I had also begun to fuss about little things; my right trainer didn’t feel tight enough and this was beginning to really bug me, so I had to focus again quickly. I began to think about my route and also to give myself short term goals like quickening my pace or dropping my shoulders a bit or even just counting my steps to retain concentration.

It didn’t work. In the end I got my mileage all wrong. First, I got confused between two routes and took a wrong turning, believing that I had enough route left to comfortably manage the 10k without having to run up a ridiculous hill for the final half mile. Then, having checked my watch a few times, I misread how far I’d gone. The heat befuddled my brain enough that I couldn’t add up anymore and a while later was dismayed to find that I’d only done 4 miles when I thought I’d have covered 5! I knew then that managing a 10k was going to be difficult.

But things got worse. As I got closer to home I realised that my left hand was feeling a bit numb. Now, as a heart patient, any left sided action (pain, numbness etc) can leave you panicking. Something about it didn’t feel right and I was quite concerned. I kept on running though and as I did I realised that my watch felt too tight on my wrist. So, with a little difficulty. I loosened it off. But this still didn’t solve the numbness.

Slightly later and closer to the end of my run I noticed that my hands looked swollen. On closer inspection my wedding ring felt absurdly tight and as a man with thin, girly fingers this was a bit of a surprise! My hands and wrists had swollen right up and I can only put it down to being far too hot. Needless to say, after just short of 6 miles and with a big hill to come before I’d hit home, I stopped, rather than risking reaching boiling point!

When I eventually made it home my hands were still so swollen that I had to just stand with them in a sink of ice cold water for a good 10 minutes, while occasionally taking them out in order to drink more water. Despite trying to run in shade I’d put myself in real danger.

As I said, it’s a cautionary tale. And so, I’ll end with a bit of common sense advice (which I failed to adhere too because I clearly lack common sense). If you’re out for a run in the heat you’d be wise to…

Hydrate properly. Drink enough beforehand and maybe take some with you. And when you finish, drink copious amounts of water!
Maybe wear a hat, regardless of how gormless you think you’ll look. It’s still a better look than swollen hands or ending up flat on your back on a pavement somewhere.
Find the shade. Run in as much of it as you can manage.
Wear some suncream or sun block.
Make sure that you warm down and stretch properly once your exercise is over with.
And if your hands swell up so that you look like someone holding a couple of red balloon animals, get them in some water as quickly as possible!

Enjoy the warmer weather!

NUFC: Ten Things to Love About Bruno.

As we approach the end of another Premier League season rumours seem to be intesifying about Bruno Guimaraes. Across every type of media there seems to be almost a desperate push for the move. Whether it be Manchester City or Arsenal, PSG or Real Madrid, someone somewhere seems to think that Bruno is better off elsewhere.

We could go on and on about why, but that’s not the point of this piece. Southern based press, conspiracy theories and all that can wait. People seem to think that Bruno needs to leave but I’m guessing the vast majority of Newcastle fans would disagree.

Bruno Guimaraes joined Newcastle in January of 2022 from Lyon at a cost believed to be in the region of £36 million. He wasn’t quite an instant hit as Eddie Howe held him back in order to properly acclimatise to the rigours of the Premier League. Instead, he would come on as a sub in a number of games before finally making his full debut away at Southampton. And what a debut! It was in this game that Bruno scored his first Toon goal – an outrageous back heeled volley from a Dan Burn header across goal, right in front of the travelling fans. A star was born!

It’s fair to say that the love affair started that evening and has moved on at pace ever since. Bruno fell for us and we returned his feelings ten fold. In fact, you could say that we love Bruno almost as much as he loves Joelinton. The bastard (more of that later, if you didn’t understand).

For me, Bruno is easily one of the best central midfielders I’ve seen in over 40 years of supporting Newcastle. I can look back on a lot, but without thinking too deeply would struggle to come up with many to rival Guimaraes. Gazza, Robert Lee, Gary Speed and Yohan Cabaye spring straight to mind, but after that I’m reaching a bit. I mean, when you were raised on a diet of players like Kevin Dillon, John Trewick, Pat Heard and Amdy Faye, midfielders begin to stand out for all the wrong reasons.

But comparisons are not what this is about. Rather than ramble and confirm what we all already know (he’s dead good at football), I thought I’d give you ten reasons why I (and probably a lot of us) love Bruno.

He just strikes me as a cracking lad. Bruno and family just make for a lovely story. His kids are Geordies and his wife seems very happy with the whole set up. Bruno seems to have time for everyone; a ready smile and a willingness to immerse himself in the city and the region.
He’s a current Brazilian international. Ever since I watched the Brazil team in the 1982 World Cup and heard about their 1970 side, I’ve been a little bit in love with their footballers. Apart from Fumaca, of course. He was shite. But the fact that Bruno gets in that side is a hell of a yardstick of his quality and I like that being part of Newcastle United.
His kids are Geordies and Bruno seems to be very proud of that fact and of just being able to be a part of our culture. For a lad to come halfway around the world and be obviously so in tune with this kind of pride is just wonderful. Imagine Mbappe, Ronaldo or many other so called superstars being the same. You can’t, can you?
His nickname/pet name for Joelinton just seems to be ‘bastard’. Much like Mirandinha being taught swearing by Gazza back in the 80s, someone has clearly got to Bruno! And Bruno seems to love it!
His celebrations. For a lot of us fans, football is about passion and joy. Bruno echoes that as a player. Whether he’s climbing on to advertising hoardings, doing little dances, kissing the badge, telling various people he loves them or just hoisting up a corner flag, Bruno seems to have something for every occasion. And he clearly revels in expressing that joy. So much so, in fact that there are occasion where he scores and gives us about 5 different layers of celebration! Remember the knee slide at Southampton away, remember the stripping off against Leicester at home, remember the flag waving at home to Sheffield Utd! There’s lots to love.
His laugh. If you’ve watched him on any of the club’s videos you’ll have heard that high pitched laugh. It always raises a smile and is just another sign of Bruno being a bloke who just loves life.
He’s ridiculously uncoordinated, yet still a brilliant footballer. I’ve seen Bruno play darts and I’m sure I’ve watched a video of him riding a bike or a scooter or a skateboard. He was shocking at all of it! It’s one of those little quirks that we can’t fail to like. Pu a ball at his feet though…different story.
His dad. Never before have I shown such an interest in Dick. The man behind the number 39 has become a part of the whole story of these last two and a bit years. Whether he’s accompanying his son and his family while they get interviewed or joining in with the singing in the pub or on the concourse at an away game, the man has become an unlikely star. None of us would have realised that Bruno’s arrival would lead to us loving Dick too…
His passing. I’m guessing we’re all fans of the outside of the boot pass that Bruno has, especially when it comes off. There was a notable one against Luton at home this year that led to Kieran Trippier’s goal. Bruno also does a nice line in ‘no look’ passes, with a one in to Miggy against Wolves a particular peach. The other one that springs to mind is a pass that I don’t have a name for, possibly because I don’t play FIFA. However, it’s a pass that almost looks like he’s scuffed it, almost a scoop. He seems to pretty much miss hit the ball, like he’s trying to dig it out of the turf and it’s quite a common pass that he makes. Teenagers might tell me it’s a knuckle ball, but I don’t know. Anyway, it’s a passing style that I like in amongst a range that I’m a big admirer of.
VAMOOOOOOOS! None of us are surely going to tire of that any time soon.

For me, it’s essential that we keep Bruno. For all the talk of that £100m clause, he’s worth much more to the club and the team. The goals, the showmanship, the clinical passes, even the run of games he went on this season to avoid that crucial yellow card are all illustrative of just how integral Bruno Guimaraes has become at Newcastle United.

Talk of him leaving feels ridiculous. Release clause or not, there shouldn’t be a valid reason to sell Wor Bruno!

The Apprentice: Here comes the final!

So, after what feels like a lifetime chock full of business tasks fuelled by a combination of bizarre decisions and downright ineptitude, we’re mere hours away from another Apprentice finale. And even though I don’t feel that I’ve been as invested in the candidates as I might have been in previous years, I cannot wait!

This year’s finalists are gym owner Rachel Woolford and pie company boss Phil Turner. And it’s anyone’s guess who’ll win out. Unless you’re Lord Sugar of course, who I reckon won’t just guess who he gives £250,000 to.

Even in the interviews it felt like a bit of a lottery in terms of who would make the final. However, once it emerged that Tre didn’t have a business plan or really, a product and that Paul had chosen the wrong plan and that you or I knew just about as much as he did about scrubs, then the field was kind of narrowed down. In fact, given what happened in this year’s interview episode, I’m considering just turning up myself next year with some ideas scrawled down on a crumpled piece of paper titled, ‘Why I need Lord Sugar’s £250,000′ by Graham aged 53. I reckon I’d still have a bit of a chance of making the final.

Of the two finalists, it’s perhaps inevitable that we might look on Rachel as the favourite. Not only has she shown a fair amount of business acumen, hard work and determination throughout the series, but she’s up against Phil! Phil! The very same Phil who lost all of the first 9 tasks and seemed to be in the boardroom fighting for his life every other week. But then again, he’s in the final for a reason. We have to presume that Lord Sugar and his people have spotted something in him, surely. None of us has much idea what it might be though!

Last week, Phil added to his Apprentice legacy by revealing in the interviews that he hasn’t seen a set of accounts for his business for about a decade. OK, I’m exaggerating there, but the bloke literally sat and told scary Mike Soutar that he hadn’t seen his accounts for a couple of years. I’m no business viking (as no doubt someone must have referred to themselves over the years), but that feels like me not looking at the fuel gauge in my car for a fortnight and just hoping that I’ll keep getting to where I’m going.

Both candidates seem to have successful businesses and both just want to make them bigger. Fair enough. Rachel wants more gyms – and while we continue to obsess over how we look on social media then we’ll always need more gyms! I mean, where else would the country’s vain halfwits find mirrors big enough to pose in?

Phil, on the other hand, wants to expand his pie business after admitting that he didn’t have the vision to take it any further. And after he made a truffle flavoured vegan cheese that didn’t really taste of truffle…or cheese for that matter, in the last task, you can possibly see why he thinks he lacks vision I suppose.

Conspiracy theorists will have you believe that Phil is being set up to win. I mean, I certainly can’t remember a series where someone failed so spectacularly every week and then still made the final. Some have also pointed to the fact that in his win or bust task – the vegan cheese one – he was given the strongest of the other candidates on his team. But then, some of these people probably still think that the Earth is flat.

So, get yourselves set for an exciting final. There’s no clear favourite, but definitely an underdog. But, with the help of some, if not all of the other candidates from the series, there will be one last task to get through before Lord Sugar decides who he’s going to invest in. And of course, there’s my favourite bit of all; where the two successful candidates have to walk into the room for their pitch, usually down one of the longest walkways or staircases in the modern world. It has to be one of the most awkward TV moments of the year and every year a little bit of is secretly hoping for a trip!

The Apprentice 2024 Final. Can’t wait!

Book Review: The Ritual by Adam Nevill

If, like me, you’re about to meet up with a mate or two for a bit of a reunion maybe you shouldn’t read The Ritual just yet. Especially so, if you’re off on some kind of outdoor pursuit. You might get a little bit put off! Once you’re done though, I’d definitely recommend it.

The Ritual follows four university friends who, since graduation, have vowed to keep in touch by meeting up at least once a year to have some kind of break. This year, Luke, Phil, Dom and Hutch have decided to head into the Arctic Circle for a bit of an adventure. Because, when you’re approaching middle age and fancy a bit of a change, the unforgiving conditions of northern most Sweden are the first things to spring to mind! Like the tagline says, they should have gone to Vegas!

While the premise of the novel – which was also made into a 2017 film starring Rafe Spall – might suggest some kind of farcical comedy, it’s not long at all before nobody’s laughing. The weather is far worse than the friends had prepared for and within 24 hours everyone is soaked to the skin and it doesn’t feel like they’ll ever dry out. And this being the Arctic Circle, it’s beyond cold too. Throw in the fact that two of the group are what we might politely call ‘past their best’ fitness wise and this is really not the fun reunion that they’d planned. But then, deciding that a short cut is the best option, they get lost.

In theory, I’m a big fan of exploring the wilderness. I dream of trekking through isolated far off places and striding into the unknown, exploring landscapes that I’ve only ever seen on the television before. In reality though, I’d be pretty rubbish at it. We once encountered a rattlesnake in the Grand Canyon and I was beyond terrified! So, I can fully sympathise with the friends in the book and the injuries & lack of preparation that hinder their progress. I can’t begin to imagine the horrors that they’re about to face though.

Once they get lost they take more wrong turns and encounter a couple of eerie places that suggest that the forest not only has a dark history, but also that it may well be harbouring the kind of predator that no one wants to encounter. Have they been being watched all this time?

The Ritual sets out to scare us. And in parts, it succeeds brilliantly. As the predator hunts them down I could almost feel its presence. What it actually is remains a mystery as Nevill restricts his characters and us, the reader to glimpses in the dark and the frightened, snatched reports of those that have had some kind of mysterious encounter. And what’s more scary than the thing that you can’t even see, but just know is there?

When the friends are at their weakest, it strikes, deepening the fear for everyone concerned and as a reader you’re left trying to work out exactly what’s happening, but also if anyone will actually manage to survive. Gaining only glimpses and hints of the predator’s presence leaves us as confused as this gang of friends, but undoubtedly adds to the tension and horror that Nevill is trying to create.

Throughout their journey through this dense forest we learn snippets about pagan sacrifice and old Scandinavian culture – two of the gang have done their research – and as a reader yo begin to get the feeling that what is stalking the men is more than something as straightforward as say a pack of wolves or some kind of bear. And so, the story becomes more than just a horror piece, but also a historical piece too where we learn snippets about a place, history and culture that aside from stereotypes based around nudity and IKEA, we probably don’t know a great deal about.

I was fascinated to read about the fact that large parts of the landscape where the characters trekked would have been untouched by humans for hundreds of years. But then, when you think about it and how far north on the planet it is, this stands to reason. It adds to the feeling that ‘they should have gone to Vegas’ though!

The Ritual becomes more than a tale of four friends being hunted by a predator in a remote landscape with a brilliant, yet slightly absurd twist near the end. I can’t ruin it for you, but what seems like a rescue turns bad very quickly sit and it turns out that a sacrifice will be made. And it’s from as unlikely a source as you could imagine.

Nevill writes brilliantly, subtly building tension, throwing in more problems when we least expect them and also when the friends could very much do without them while presenting us with a group of characters that are both relatable and realistic. This is much more than just a thriller.

If you like thrillers, horror or a bit of a mystery, The Ritual might be the kind of book for you. I’d certainly recommend it! I’d give The Ritual…

The Apprentice Episode 6 – Cereal Losers.

Although I was able to watch last week’s episode, time constraints meant that a blog update just wasn’t possible. And perhaps it was a good thing to give myself a rest from my own cynicism about this year’s candidates!

This week our merry bunch of halfwits find themselves without Onyeka, while probably all puzzling over the mystery of what Virdi is still doing there. And if no one is asking the question of what it is that Steve actually does, then it’s got to happen soon.

Tonight, the teams are at the Savoy to learn that their next challenge will be to design and market a new cereal aimed at kids. And for what feels like the umpteenth week in a row, Lord Sugar appears as some kind of cartoon.

Sam and Steve take on the project manager roles and before we know it, we’ve got our cereal ideas. Steve decides that their cereal will be based around superheroes – because if you ignore the million and one superheroes around at the moment, this one hasn’t been done before. Meanwhile, Sam’s team decide on the theme of the Arctic. And that’s not even an attempt at a joke. Their children’s cereal theme really will be based around the Arctic.

There follows a debate about whether or not Sam’s sub team should follow a STRONG RECOMMENMDATION about the fruit content in the recipe. They decide not to because they of course know best. But never mind, because I’m sure this won’t be a decision that will come back to haunt them.

There follows a strange moment where Virdi is caught on camera looking terrified by the mere image of a cartoon polar bear taking shape on the screen before him and for a while I wonder whether he’ll be able to have any effect on tonight’s result. And then I remember, it’s Virdi, so if there’s any dancing to be done he’ll find a way to get involved, but other than being scared of a drawing, that might be tonight’s high point.

Over on the other team, Tre and friends try to come to some important decisions about the character for their cereal by just saying ‘erm’ a lot, before in the end deciding that their superhero needs a cape. A superhero in a cape?Surely, that’ll never catch on.

Having watched both teams grapple with the demands of the target audience I’m left questioning why, year after year, no one on the show ever seems to understand what kids of a certain age might like. It’s up there with the Bermuda Triangle in terms of life’s great mysteries for me.

Later, I’m similarly confused when Maura announces to her team that their kid friendly character is just “an ordinary boy…who’s a polar bear”. Well, I suppose we all went to school with one of those.

The task continues with both teams trying to come up with an augmented reality game that will appeal to kids who have scanned the QR code on the cereal box. As someone who seems to be evermore unable to scan QR codes I’m in full on ‘Virdi meets cartoon polar bear mode’ and my wife has to slap me back to reality, pause the show and make me a hot chocolate in order for me to calm back down.

As expected, both tasks bring out the candidates not so inner idiots and it’s not long before we’re witnessing Noor failing to read words and move at the same time and Virdi deeming a cartoon polar bear as “absolutely amazing”. Well, he changed his tune!

At the taste test, no one seems to be able to taste the passion fruit in the Super Hoops. But is that just because no one’s ever been able to actually finish a passion fruit?

Before we know it, the teams are squaring up to face the industry experts and it’s time for more fun. From the facial expressions in the room it becomes clear that these cereals are not exactly taste sensations. Either that or several of the watching experts have walked through the same fart that Karen does every week. Dentist Paul starts his negotiation with frozen food giant Iceland by telling them that linking up with a cartoon polar bear would be a “match made in Heaven” and you think, he’s got a point…this might work. And then he follows this up by telling them that the cereal tastes bland – that’ll be what happens when you ignore a STRONG RECOMMENDATION – and as the air is sucked out of the room I’m left wondering why he even bothers asking if they’d like to buy some.

On the other side of the room meanwhile, while Phil pushes hard to get a deal out of a reluctant customer, Virdi’s contribution is to pull the kind of faces that suggest he’s mistakenly put on underwear that’s about four sizes too small. No wonder the client walks away.

And then I watch on, out of my business depth (which peaks at about 2mm, if you need to know), while Foluso secures an exclusivity deal with Iceland for 200,000 boxes of Super Hoops cereal. It means that they can’t sell to anyone else for 3 months, but is it a gamble worth taking? I haven’t a clue, but my smidgen of knowledge tells me that 200,000 is a shitload of cereal. And so, it’s over to Sam’s team to see if they can sell more.

It turns out that they can’t.

And so to the boardroom. where Lord Sugar, you’d expect, will have plenty of spontaneous cereal related gags lined up to test Karen and Tim’s acting ability. Instead though, he starts with another tried and tested favourite – making the candidates feel really uncomfortable. And even then, after some initial frost he thaws out quite quickly. A bit like Sam’s team’s Arctic cereal idea, really.

It feels like Sugar has lost heart this evening and there’s a feeling of just going through the motions, which when we hear the sales figures and get the result, you can kind of understand. While Steve’s lot sell the aforementioned 200,000 boxes of cereal, Sam’s team finish a distant second – and lose in a catastrophic manner – selling just over 7000.

It’s all too much for Lord Sugar, who almost explodes with cereal puns, calling Sam’s team ‘cereal losers’ and telling them that when they come back in to the boardroom some of them will be saying ‘Cheerios’. Later, he completes his hat-trick when he refers to the loser’s cereal as being more ‘All Bland’ than ‘All Bran’. It’s like he’s been willing himself not to go too early with the comedy until the point where he literally can’t wait any longer and simply has to blurt out some puns. Classic Sugar!

The candidates don’t laugh and instead just head to the cafe to bicker.

At this point in proceedings I’m beginning to feel sorry for Flo, who has pretty much been the only candidate I’ve had much time for so far in the series. She’s clearly capable and yet has found herself stuck on a team hampered by the incompetence of others. She must feel absolutely cursed.

In the end tonight, the only surprise is that Virdi and Phil are still here. Having lost on every task, their time must be almost up. Watching the episode tonight though, I can’t help feeling that there’d be no great loss in getting rid of most of them and just making up the shortfall with the polar bear and Mega Bella from tonight’s cereal boxes.

When we’re done tonight, Sam has been fired and leaves by telling Lord Sugar to remember to ‘pop round for a cuppa’. It’s a deserved firing, but that last bit puzzles me. I mean, imagine Sugar standing on your doorstep, inviting himself in and then make snide remarks about your biscuits and getting Karen to pull faces at your kids.

Back at the house with tonight’s ‘winners’, we end with the penny dropping for Phil. Apparently, ‘one slip up and we’re gone’. No shit, Sherlock.

The Apprentice Episode 4: Buying jerseys in Jersey.

I’ve always fancied visiting Jersey. Something about it seems a bit of a cut above and because it’s a channel island I feel like it has it’s own balmy micro-climate. Lovely beaches, stunning scenery, ancient castles and what feels like a wonderful, relaxed lifestyle; it’s always just felt like somewhere I’d love to sample and yet never gotten round to getting to. I’m sure lots of people share this view.

Imagine if you will then, that you finally short haul yourself there and are just taking in the mid morning air when up screeches a couple of ominous black people carriers to spit out the kaleidoscope of colour and braying nonsense that is a a load of Apprentice candidates.

They stomp across to you and shout a question in your face, something like, “Hi, we’re new to Jersey and oh, it’s so beautiful. We were wondering, do you know what a potato is?” And in those few, brief moments your Jersey dream is well and truly shattered.

That’s right. Tonight’s episode was what I like to refer to as the ‘buying tat’ one where the remaining buffoons are sent to somewhere lovely to buy stuff, with the sub text being a day or so of bad manners, condescension and chaos. Jersey may well be still recovering from the trauma.

To cut to the chase, we join the candidates as they’re perusing the list of items. Jack and Raj are tonight’s PMs and as ever, if it was a masterclass in leadership you were after you’d be better off doing some channel hopping of a different kind and heading for Cartoon Network.

Without fail, this task always highlights the lack of knowledge of ‘stuff’ among the candidates. No one seems to be able to say ‘shuck’ let alone work out what it’s got to do with an oyster. Instead the tactic seems to be to just repeat the word, incorrectly while occasionally spelling it out. Because we all know that generally helps.

Within minutes, Jack is displaying all the leadership qualities of a third world dictator as he delegates the items between his team and the sub team, giving everything he can’t spell, define or pronounce to Amina’s side of the team. Don’t quote me on this, but I think his team left themselves with a pen, a button and a lettuce to buy.

Speaking of Jack and negotiation, in his pre-task talk he manages to take things to a new low, demanding that his team start any negotiation by demanding 75% off the price quoted. On a show where shame and humility are often in very short supply, this is nothing short of shocking and his team give a collective gulp and probably decide there and then to just pretend it never happened.

As both teams race around the island not only do I imagine holiday bookings are taking a hit, but I’m struck by two things. Last week, I realised that there were several candidates that I couldn’t name. This week, it hits me that I don’t think I actually like any of them and while that could change, I’m a bit perturbed by it. Why am I even watching? The other realisation is that Steve, who seems to have come dressed as a low budget Miami Vice tribute act, doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all apart from running around and smiling awkwardly. Sure, he gets in on a negotiation later on in the episode, but it’s the kind of bartering I feel even I could manage.

Next up in negotiation masterclass is project manager Jack, who you’ll remember wanted 75% off everything. His tactic is to talk to the client like she’s 11, tell her how beautiful Jersey is and – here’s the good bit that us mere mortals wouldn’t think of – repeatedly saying “oh wow”. Bizarrely though, it works and he gets the same brandy as the other team with double the discount; nowhere near his 75%, but still…oh wow. It’s the kind of tactic that has me planning a visit to Greggs this weekend where I’ll take my wife, kids and a camcorder, fawn all over the assistant while slipping in some “oh wows” and hope to leave with three sausage, bean and cheese melts, a vegan sausage roll and a steak bake and still have change from a quid. Inspirational stuff, Jack…

In a different part of the island, Jack’s sub team are wrestling with a number of difficult tasks. Not the actual items that need purchasing though, more stuff like which direction they’re headed in and where they might actually be on the map. The answer it seems is “around here somewhere”.

I’ve always thought that a market would be a great place to source items for this task. There’s a diverse range of products all in one place and the traders probably aren’t averse to a bit of bartering. Amina’s sub team have the same thought, but their plan crumbles when they forget to look at what’s on sale and just run around the market aimlessly. Karen, who is shadowing them can’t help but pull the usual unimpressed face – you know the one; like she’s just walked through someone else’s fart – as she passes a basket of potatoes and a jumper with an anchor on it, both of which are easy wins from the list!

The funny thing about this is that both teams fail to buy potatoes. Potatoes! In the boardroom, they’re both fined £90 for failing to buy some Jersey royals while wandering around Jersey, the home of Jersey royals. Oh dear.

Later, the same three individuals are clearly running out of time in which they might locate some elusive potatoes or even a jumper with an anchor on it. So they must come up with a plan. The time saving result? Pull over and have a bit of a think. Yep, that’ll make time stand still for a bit.

The task ends in the usual way, with both teams legging it to the meeting point in order to be on time. Sadly, the pulling over trick hasn’t worked, time hasn’t actually stood still and Jack is reduced to giving Amina a running piggy back up the causeway. They’re still late, but the rest of the team cheer like kids at a toddlers birthday anyway, because ultimately no one has the faintest idea what they’re doing.

In the boardroom, Lord Sugar can’t resist a little bit of Carry On style smut after one of the candidates had been asked to help with some glass blowing in order to get a discount on a product. Thankfully, with a nudge and a wink, we move on.

In no time at all, the ridiculously predictable happens. Jack’s team suffers a heavy defeat. And then a meltdown.

Some of the quotes that accompany the defeat tell their own story. “One of the worst results ever in this task”, “Pretty much the worst team that I ever had on this” and “Amateur”. As a viewer it’s nothing short of hilarious. In the boardroom, it must be terrifying. But then don’t claim to be the world’s greatest business person on your CV if you are in fact “amateur”!

In the end it’s almost irrelevant who leaves. The story is that Lord Sugar changes his mind and brings every member of the team back into the boardroom. The result? A quickfire double sacking and we wave goodbye to both Jack and Amina, which is the only fair result. The only question I’m left with isn’t about those two. It’s about Karen. Why does she so often feel the need to say “I gotta tell you” before telling us stuff?

Tonight, following yet more large scale ineptitude we’re left to mull over another line from Lord Sugar, who tells us, “You know what? I’m not happy.” Not happy? With two teams of grown ups that can’t find a potato? Why ever not?

Farewell to Dan Ashworth, the Alan Titchmarch of sporting directors.

So, after what has sometimes felt like some kind of drawn out soap opera storyline, it seems like it’s happening. Our sporting director, Dan Ashworth, has seemingly asked to leave in order to take on a similar role at Manchester United. Newcastle have rightly placed him on another spell of gardening leave and rightly so.

But is it really that big a deal and will anything particularly change at Newcastle?

Despite a social media frenzy of good riddances and doubts about his ability in the role, I think it’s clear to see that Ashworth has made some positive changes in his short time in the job and I’m disappointed by his lack of commitment. I wrote about them in another piece last year, so I won’t bang on too much here, but there have been positives. It’s just that we won’t see them bearing fruit for some time to come.

Ashworth was largely responsible for the signing of Yankuba Minteh, who if his early season form for Feyenoord is anything to go by, has the potential to go on and be a real star in the Premier league. On top of that, there have been some notable additions to our academy set up. Some of us have already witnessed a little of what Travis Hernes and Trevan Sanusi can do, but there are others such as the likes of the young Leo Shahar, Kacey Wooster and Michael Mills down the age groups, all brought in under Ashworth’s influence.

Ashworth has also overseen the development of the scouting network, with the club now very well equipped in terms of assigned scouts to various areas of the world. A number of top level appointments have been made over the last 18 months in order to build a network of people working for the club in order to find the next ‘big thing’ in whatever corner of the world they may be plying their trade. On top of that, the appointment of the experienced Marcel Bout as the Head of Global Scouting could well be an excellent move.

However, this is merely 18 months of good work. And it’s not something that will pay immediate dividends. In fact it’s far too soon to judge whether any of it is good at all. It could be argued too that it wouldn’t have taken a footballing genius to walk into Newcastle United and see that we needed more staff in all areas. Mike Ashley’s neglect in these areas has been well documented with the phrase ‘skeleton staff’ being used regularly to describe the whole operation and the phrase ‘Lee Charnley’ often shorthand for skeleton staff.

I don’t feel particularly qualified to accurately judge Ashworth’s work. I’m an English teacher and a football fan; what do I know about the quality of a sporting director’s work? What I do know is agreeing to join the club, talking of your role as a ‘long term project’ and then bailing on said project after 18 months when some friends come calling doesn’t seem particularly professional.

Delve deeper into Ashworth’s actions and it’s easy to start asking questions. I’ve read a lot about his ambition to align the scouting, analysis and medical departments in order to bring success. But the minute we mention the medical department it’s easy to start picking holes in what Ashworth has brought to the club. The Head Physio, Danny Murphy recently left the club and when we look at the amount of injuries and time lost to them at the club this season it’s hard not to put two and two together! A recent report said we’d lost 691 minutes to injury this season. Now, I know that’s not the fault of Dan Ashworth, but he’s the person who’s overseen the appointments of staff.

If we look at the signings that our sporting director has had a hand in, then it could be argued that more cracks appear. The most obvious problem comes with the transfer of Sandro Tonali and his subsequent ban for gambling. I realise that this could never be as cut and dried as we’d like it to be and that Ashworth cannot solely be blamed. Again though, the due diligence and background checks are all his responsibility. And even with the secretive nature of addiction, the fact that it all remained hidden from Ashworth doesn’t look good. I mean, we’re told about his contacts, his research, his analysis etc and yet this was allowed to happen. The buck has to stop somewhere.

Garang Kuol is another signing who has flattered to deceive and another signed on Ashworth’s watch. Yet to make an appearance in black and white, Kuol has been loaned out to Hearts, where he made 8 appearances and then Volendaam in Holland where he’s made 10. While the lad may have all the potential in the world and may even come good at Newcastle eventually, he’s yet to pull up any trees and his lack of progress looks sightly worrying.

Add to these names the likes of Lewis Hall, Jordan Hackett and Harrison Ashby and you might start to wonder about Ashworth’s judgement.

So what of the future without Dan Ashworth? Well, it’s safe to say that Brighton haven’t exactly suffered since he left. In fact, David Weir, the man who replaced Ashworth has gone on to make some excellent signings including Simon Adingra, Facundo Bounanotte – both of whom started in the recent win at Sheff Utd – and Joao Pedro who we failed to sign and has scored 19 goals already this season. Brighton also currently sit one place ahead of us in the table.

Given the size of the project that our owners have planned at Newcastle, it would be a surprise if there wasn’t a whole host of willing takers for the job. Gone are the days of appointing the likes of Joe Kinnear and we should be able to look forward to a top notch replacement. Names have been mentioned, but I’d be lying if I listed them and pretended to be impressed, as I know little or nothing about their work! But I’ll look forward to seeing who it is that we aim for.

Asides from this, our scouting department will have targets lined up, so it’s not as if losing Ashworth will mean that we can’t attract players. Work will have been ongoing for a long time and it’s been interesting to read reports about the fact that Ashworth’s access to our reports and plans has been rescinded while he’s been placed on ‘gardening leave’. It seems only right though.

In terms of the move, it would be wrong of me to say that I can’t see the attraction. Manchester United are one of the biggest clubs in the world and however you view their record over the last decade or so, they remain an attractive proposition for many in the world of football. Just ask their many fans from all corners of the globe! But their commercial activity and revenue is well documented and being at a club who aren’t as impaired by FFP/SPR would undoubtedly have its benefits.

In reality though, Manchester United are still a bit of a mess and it’ll be interesting to see just how much Sir Jim Radcliffe can get away with before the Glazers stick their collective oars in. The self styled biggest club in the world are currently 6th in the league and Champions League football is certainly not assured for next year. And with Ashworth calling the shots, will the fans settle for the sort of signings that on first viewing may not have them licking their lips in anticipation? After all, they’re a club who love a big name and all its associated glamour.

In the meantime, Ashworth finds himself on gardening leave once again, with his loyalty, ego and even his ability being questioned in some quarters. I keep reading about his successes elsewhere, but perhaps what’s happened at Newcastle might suggest that his powers are on the wane? Maybe, in the same way that all good managers have their time, he’s actually yesterday’s man. And maybe this paves the way for a real forward thinking appointment. The terms of his departure will be hugely important for Newcastle and it’s imperative that we get the best deal possible for the club.

I was delighted to read talk of us demanding £15 million in compensation as well as insisting on a long period of gardening leave. We cannot afford to roll over and submit to whatever demands are made of us. Written assurances need to be forthcoming about any further movement between the clubs and access to our transfer and scouting plans too. The hard work that has gone on over the past two years can’t just be undone because one man has moved on and thinks he can cherry pick whatever he wants at our club.

If Manchester United want Dan Ashworth so badly, then they should be made to pay the going rate. Given his statements about our club and fans in the past, perhaps Rio Ferdinand could chip in?

In the meantime, let’s hope that this latest development is simply a bump in the road and that once the idea of paying for what you want kicks in, the deal can be done and Newcastle United can move on.

Apprentice Week 3 – Virtual Escape Rooms.

I’ve never liked the idea of escape rooms. The challenge of getting out of a room that someone will eventually just let me out of anyway has no appeal to me. I don’t want to spend a shed load of money to then find that I’m way too stupid to figure out some puzzles. Coupled with the fact that if I went with my wife, we’d end up arguing to the point of possible divorce, tonight’s task doesn’t exactly excite me.

And then, I remember that Asif will be a project manager and I’m diving for the remote control!

Tonight Lord Sugar has sensed early that the boys are a dead loss and so he splits up the teams in the hope of adding at least a little bit of competition to the competition. I mean, we can’t all be satisfied to spend the entire series laughing at people who regard themselves as business gods, but make the decisions of toddlers, can we?

The first task for the newly formed teams is to decide on a name, but when Maura suggests what sounds like an Irish name, her team mates are stumped and get her to repeat it three times before rejecting it presumably because they still don’t know what she’s saying. And when so many people are so confused by just two syllables, then the writing is surely on the wall for tonight’s result.

On the other team, Flo seems to have decided that she actually is the team, which even after her excellent pitch last week, seems like a bit of an ask. Perhaps she’s a Flobot though?

As is often the way with creative tasks, these young titans of business just aren’t very creative and so the whole online escape room idea threatens to descend into even more chaos than usual. I’m forced to remind myself that in around 6 weeks time, some of these candidates will have morphed into genuinely credible business types before my very eyes, as is the case every year. For now though, it’s the usual festival of f***wittery.

In response to the brief that their game should be kept fairly simple, Asif’s team are genuinely discussing something that involves crash landing on a derelict ex-military island where there are not only rare animals, but inbred ones too. Thankfully, not enough eyes light up at that suggestion, but it is an indication that perhaps the BBC should be vetting the candidates with a bit more scrutiny in future.

This week, once again, it’s the editing that gives us our moments of genius as the silences that accompany a series of ever more bizarre suggestions taking the limelight away from the contestants themselves.

In the end, after one silence too many Asif’s game design team settle on a rare animal to inhabit their island. It’s a bear. Not even a rare one. Just a bear. And in fact there are three of them that because they’re computer generated, look like they might be line dancing. Escape that, gaming nerds!

Over on the other side Tre decides that the mayor character in their game needs to be young and handsome, so decides to cast himself in the role and proceeds to guide the computer bloke to find a face that’s as close to his own as he can! He then proceeds to double down on his Tre-ness by doing the voiceover as well.

On the other team, Maura struggles with her voiceover – as well as simply looking in the right direction – so that the end result is akin to me getting one of my Year 8 students to act out an airline safety briefing. Suffice to say, if somehow, someone had got me to have a look at this particular escape room, the intro would have me doing a swift about turn and heading for the nearest exit.

As ever, both teams make a mess of their logos. This is always the way and again begs the question about business types perhaps not being particularly creative. And Asif’s logo very much backs this up, given his obsession with adding a couple of arrows to both of the words. Someone suggests that it looks ‘a little like a supermarket logo’. Surely what they mean is that it looks a Lidl like a supermarket logo?

With both Escape Rooms complete – and frankly pretty shit – the teams go to pitch their ideas. Flo is quick to back herself, which after last week’s performance seems like a safe bet. So, it’s a shock when she dries up mid pitch and clearly doesn’t know what to say. It’s both compulsive viewing and a moment where you want the ground to just swallow her up. In the end, she just introduces the video for the escape room and passes it off in the boardroom later on as something that lasted a millisecond. It’s a shock after seeing her being so competent in negotiation last week though.

At the end of the pitch one of the investors declares that Flo’s escape room is ‘as fun as a wet fish’, proving that the game might be a bit of a failure, but not as much of a failure as a gamer having to come up with a slick one liner.

Meanwhile, with the other team, the experts declare that their game is a bit surreal. However, Asif has the perfect comeback – it isn’t surreal, it’s meant to be realistic. That’s the game where a military helicopter crash lands on a derelict military island (whatever that might be) and the pilot not only survives the helicopter crash, but has to get away from some line-dancing bears, before running across a rickety bridge and then having a dance on the deck of a conveniently located ship. Yep, you’re right Asif. That’s not in the least bit surreal.

Tonight I suddenly realise that there are several candidates that I don’t even know the name of. In fact, there’s at least one I have no recollection of whatsoever. Could we see a sacking next week just because someone has been hiding a bit? You heard it here first, folks!

Paul then gives such a convoluted explanation of their game that after the full 3 minutes of him rambling on about what the game entails, all we need is a cry of ‘Parklife’ and we’re done. Suffice to say though, there are a few puzzled faces in the panel of experts.

In the boardroom I realise that I’m spending far too long trying to work out Asif’s hair. I mean, what does he ask for when he sits down in the chair? At one point it looks like there’s a giant spider attached to the back of his head and there’s sections of hair heading to every compass point on the top of his head. By this point in proceedings his team have lost and despite making a profit, they’ve lost by a landslide too.

Asif proceeds to blame everyone else for the failure, but unless the twist is that Amina is sacked because she forgot how to speak in the pitch, then there’s only one decision to make.

And so it comes to pass that Asif is fired having lost control in the boardroom and seen the other three candidates simply turn on him. When he’s told he’s “a poor, poor manager” he tells us “I won’t be defeated”. Famous last words, my friend! Before we know it he’s getting into the black cab never to be seen again.

Back at the house, the surviving candidates are as full of themselves as ever, until Lord Sugar knocks at the door. I really want him to be trying to sell them something, but alas he’s just introducing next week’s task, which is the purchasing task over on one of the Channel Islands.

The candidates are delighted, with one declaring, “a treasure hunt on an island. What more could you want?” Ooh, I don’t know…some line dancing bears, maybe?

But there’s more. In the outro of tonight’s show we get a teaser for next week with Lord Sugar growling the line “pretty much the worst team I’ve ever had on this task” which makes me laugh uproariously.

They say that we love the underdog in the U.K., but I’m gradually coming round to the idea that we love an abject failure even more. I cannot wait for next Thursday!

The Apprentice – Episode 2: Cheesecakes

A familiar start this week, when a tired candidate is woken by the phone in the hall and stumbles down seemingly with no idea at all who could be calling at this time of the morning. It’s the lass that works for Lord Sugar…always her!

And then, aided by the magic of television and an audience that is quite happy to go along with the old lie that they’ve got just 20 minutes to get ready, the early morning darkness has given way to bright sunshine and the candidates are scrubbed up and leaving for work. Exactly how we all get ready for work, right?

This week, we’re making mini cheesecakes and while the boys go with experienced pie maker and ‘Supreme Pie Champion 2020’ Phil as their team leader, the girls plump for Foluso because no one else was willing to step up. Actually, that’s a lie. Maura said she’d “made cheesecakes before” but surprisingly, no one viewed that as a serious bid for office. It did make me think that perhaps I could have PM’d this task though. I too have “made cheesecakes before” – you know those ones you get in boxes – and have a high propensity for bullshit (which I’m aware makes me at least 50% eligible to PM any task, ever). If only I’d thought to take my business experience of three years working in a call centre and applied.

I always find the group meetings pretty funny. It genuinely amazes me the amount of truly awful ideas one table of people can have and tonight it’s a real surprise that no one suggests something like an offal cheesecake. However, once the decisions are made, Paul B rallies the troops with a cry of “Any hiccups, let’s not cry about spilt milk!” And I thought you just had to hold your breath…

Tonight we hear the first pitching klaxon when Flo assures the girls that she’ll do the pitch as she does them all the time to massive clients, so everything will be fine. This type of thing usually ensures that there’ll be a stuttering disaster and the longest few minutes of someone’s life, followed by the very same person declaring that they thought it all went well. This time though, the klaxon is a red herring and Flo follows through on all of her promises, leaving us all probably rather impressed, while also a little disappointed at the same time.

In the kitchen with the girls, the expected chaos ensues. But it’s not this that catches my attention. No, what grabs me is their inability to say the word kilogrammes. It seems that tonight, we’re only able to refer to KGs. Weird.

The boys go to pitch their idea to the smoothies company Innocent, who are extremely well know for their mission of charging the country ludicrous amounts of money so that they can have all their fruit and veg in liquid form. Fine by me. This is not a mission that the boys are on board with, however and instead the mantra appears to be ‘WHATEVER THEY SAY ABOUT FRUIT, VEG AND HEALTHY EATING, JUST KEEP INSISTING ON CHOCOLATE’! Surprisingly, the Innocent representatives don’t feel that they want to pay £8 a cheesecake for something that sticks two fingers up to their mission statement. The boys meekly drop their price and offer some vague fruit based dessert instead. Later, Lord Sugar misses a trick by failing to label it “Not a very smoothie move”.

Amazingly, there’s a moment of business synergy tonight between the teams. Sadly, it comes during deliberations about flavours for the cheesecakes as both spend far too much time discussing popping candy as an ingredient for their high end cheesecakes. It’s sadder still when neither team goes with the idea.

As the episode goes on, I’m finding myself more and more fascinated by the boys. They actually seem to be making a decent fist of their cheesecake business and yet they still manage to add a healthy dollop of incompetence to their ingredients. Every few minutes brings something that leaves me asking ‘WHAT?’ of the telly.

First, they spend far too long discussing making a more efficient system before being unable to come up with an efficient system. Then they decide that they need a cover story about the crumbling bases of their cheesecakes, but all they can manage is “Give them a spoon and tell them it’s a dessert”. I mean, it kind of is a dessert, guys.

After last week’s corporate away day task descended into 90s rave territory, the theme surfaces again when one of the boys rallies the troops with a cry of ‘let’s make some noise’ and suddenly I’m thinking of glo sticks and bucket hats. And finally, there’s even more befuddlement when one of them tells the Innocent people that the cheesecake contains a fruit they might not have heard of.

In the boardroom, there seems to be no obvious winner tonight and yet, when the result is announced it’s the girls who get their just desserts (see what I did there?) with another landslide win. And it’s well deserved too with Flo in particular flagging herself up as one to watch with her impressive negotiating skills.

Meanwhile, the boys are left to face another heavy defeat, even though they didn’t really put in a bad performance. Yes, there was the usual halfwittery along the way, but they actually made a profit, which in a profit task is the name of the game.

It’s no surprise when Paul B is called back into the boardroom by project manager Phil and Asif pretty much talks himself back there too when he just sits there and tells a few half truths while grassing up anyone who he happens to even glance at. He even swerves Lord Sugar’s question about what he did on the task by ignoring it, flipping it round and just asking his fellow team members what it was that they did. He may well have out sugared Lord Sugar and I’m amazed when he’s allowed off the hook.

In the end, it’s Paul B that goes. And while this Pie man fails on the cooking task, he leaves as an Apprentice legend (in my eyes at least). For there is none of the usual fawning of ‘Thank you for the opportunity Lord Sugar”. Instead, Paul just shrugs his shoulders, smiles and tells Lord Sugar, “Fair enough, mate” before taking his wheelie suitcase off towards a waiting black cab. Well done, sir!

Gallowgate Cult Heroes: Number 5 Barry Venison

It’s still quite rare for a player to cross the divide between black and white and red and white. In my lifetime there haven’t been that many and even if we go right back in time, a player who played for both is usually rare enough to grab a bit of attention. However, it’s even more rare for one of these moves to be deemed a success. Just ask Lee Clark or Michael Chopra!

Arguably one of the biggest successes in playing for both Newcastle and Sunderland would be Barry Venison who was adored during his time at both clubs.

Venison arrived at Newcastle from Liverpool in a £295,000 deal. We were in the second tier of English football, having just escaped relegation to Division 3 at the end of the previous season under Kevin Keegan. King Kev was now assembling a squad for a promotion challenge, with the Premiership (now the Premier League) only a year old. Venners would become a key component in that Championship winning season.

Barry had, of course, started his career at Sunderland in 1981. He would become their captain at just age 20, eventually playing a total of 205 times and becoming the youngest player to captain a side at Wembley when our lovely neighbours lost the 1985 Milk Cup. He would leave for the all conquering Liverpool side of the 80s in 1986 in a £200,000 deal and stay there for 6 years before he joined us.

Venison brought much needed big game experience and guile to a squad that, while it was being overhauled, still contained many of the squad from the previous almost disastrous campaign. The likes of Lee Clark, Robbie Elliot and Steve Howey would learn a lot from Venners and his influence would be felt by incoming future superstars like Rob Lee and Andy Cole too. So while Brian Kilcline would start the season as captain, Venison was very much the power behind the throne and would eventually take the captaincy when Killer was out of the side. A latter day Kieran Trippier, if you will. Just with bigger hair.

Undoubtedly, part of Venison’s appeal was his sense of ‘style’. He was no ordinary everyday footballer with his long, flowing blonde locks and unique fashion sense. He was the closest thing we’d get to Miami Vice on Tyneside and some of his choices were legendary. He embraced bleached bootcut jeans and at times even paired them with cowboy boots, while on his wedding day he wore a pink suit, looking every inch the Don Johnson lookalike and outshining his bride at the same time!

A tough tackling, hard running overlapping right back he quickly became a firm favourite with our fans. And although he would only ever score one goal for the club, he was always at the front of the queue when celebrating other people’s goals. Barry simply loved the celebrations and could regularly be found piling in on top of those shaking their fists at the crowd!

After winning the Division One championship, Venners continued as a regular at right back in the team that brought European football back to St. James’ Park for the ’94/95 season. However, that would be the season where his partying pushed one too many of Keegan’s buttons and he was stripped of the captaincy. He would also lose his spot in the team at right back after Marc Hottiger was brought in.

However, Venison was then reborn, converted to a holding midfielder by Keegan. He took to the position like a duck to water as well and was called up by England in the same season.

Barry Venison was what we might call a character. Someone who threw himself into life as a footballer and who – in terms of the modern day footballer – it could be argued, very much made the most of his slightly limited ability. He would move on to Galatasaray at the end of the ’94/’95 season but would live long in the memory of many a Mag. A cross between some kind of catalogue model and a slightly effeminate Viking, Barry more than successfully crossed the divide and his red and white background was never held against him.