Poetry Blog: ‘Before…’

This is a poem about an old couple that I know. 

Before...

Despite your immobility and the hand that you've been dealt
there are still small pleasures to be had.
So while the future may seem bleak and at times futile,
that past reminds you that there was once another life.

So you gaze longingly at the picture from a bygone era,
black and white, faded where it had been folded into a pocket 
and curled on one corner,
you laughing uproariously into the camera,
hands held, heads beginning their thrust skyward
and the lost seaside glamour of a loosened tie and unbuttoned shirt,
sleeves rolled, the best dress, curled hair 
and a handbag dangling from your forearm.
I can hear you cackle, imagine him singing in a club singer voice, 
something he wouldn't sing without a drink.
All before the smudge of violence,
the stain of a temper that lurked on the horizon, hidden away
but always there, ready to remind you that nobody's perfect.
All before the drinking and the smoking, the lack of money and the sickly child that saw you give up your sliver of independence.

Still, the moment is captured, the laughter tangible,
the sense of fun and happiness branded on your face,
and the hope and optimism that you thought could never be defeated, all shouting back at you, a reminder of a life lived
and the simple fact that we must exist for these snatched moments 
of ordinary triumph that still make our day decades on from the event.

So, this poem is about an old couple looking back on a nice memory from when they first met. A photograph is discovered and it prompts some memories of what they got up to when they were younger. The poem is about making the most of the kind of times when you have no ties, no responsibilities and can afford to just let go. It’s about the fact that life doesn’t always go the way you imagined, but that there’s always stuff to hold on to and cherish.

As kids, we don’t really stop to think that our parents or any other older adults we might know, had a life before we came along. Even as adults, it’s an uncomfortable thought. But just like being young and carefree ourselves with all of the risk taking and stupid decisions, they would have done all of this too. Having seen the photograph in the poem, I can imagine the younger side of the old couple, but I also know the older side too. It’s a weird contrast and shows just how much people change and are forced top change, in a way.

This was what I wanted to come out with the poem; the fact that we’re all young once and that however much fun we might be having or whatever plans we put in place, things change.

Anyway, as ever, I hope you enjoyed the poem.

A win’s a win, surely?

The home game against Forest will have made a lot of us sit up and think. There will have been an abundance of questions, lots of mulling over the performance and probably not as much celebration as we’d usually expect when we’ve won. I’m sure Eddie Howe and his coaching team have a lot to reflect on too.

And yet, we won didn’t we? We definitely picked up three points; I know because I’ve seen the league table. So why so much angst, anger and head scratching then?

Before I go on, I understand why there was anger, frustration etc. I don’t necessarily agree with it or subscribe to that way of thinking, but I understand where it comes from.

It’s a shame that it all gets so extreme though. In the stadium the crowd seemed quiet and on edge which I think is understandable. There were still bursts of noise and encouragement though in that second half when we found ourselves improbably under the cosh.

In other places though, things were getting a bit daft to say the least. Online (I know, I know…) the reaction was akin to that if we’d been hammered. There were numerous posts saying that people had ‘had enough’, bizarre takes about tactics, substitutions and player performances and metaphorical toys being thrown from metaphorical prams in every direction. I saw posts criticising most players; some even saying that Bruno needs to be sold. I even saw one post demanding ‘answers’ from Eddie Howe, like he might just come round the poster’s house this morning at some point and explain the thinking behind playing Nick Pope or why he Callum Wilson made a couple of silly decisions late on in the game.

I can’t say that I wasn’t frustrated while watching. The amount of passes that went astray in that second half was mind boggling and why we weren’t clearing our lines when no great subtlety was needed, I’ll never know. I was absolutely fraught at times, screaming and shouting like a lunatic, as many others would have been too. But the reality is that a decent side upped their game for 45 minutes and built up enough pressure that meant they were able to grab a couple of – let’s be honest – scrappy goals. Then, after quite a stressful time for all involved when the ref blew his whistle it turned out we’d won.

There were lots of reasons to be cheerful. Isak scored again. Lewis Hall was outstanding and Lewis Miley continued to look like a seasoned pro. After an injury worry, Sandro Tonali came through unscathed. It wasn’t all doom and gloom.

I’m not an idiot. I realise that we can’t continue to perform like we did in that second half. I realise that better sides would have put us away, although Forest are a very good side according to the league table. I realise that we need to be much more first half than second half in the Carabao Cup Final. Our form has to be more consistent because if not, we risk ending up outside the European spots and ending the season in really disappointing fashion. But I’m happy to leave solving any perceived problems to Eddie Howe and his coaching team, as well as the players who have greatly entertained us time and time again over the last few seasons and who managed to score one more goal than Forest when all is said and done.

I’m really not an optimist where football is concerned. A bad result affects my mood, my day and my week as it does for many others. But against Forest we won. We took three points. No one took any away from us because the second half was poor. And we moved back up the table into 5th position. So yes, we weren’t at our best for a good chunk of that game, but let’s all calm down a little bit and adopt a more realistic way of thinking.

Whatever the result or the performance, we move on. We hope that performances get more consistent of course, but we don’t need to be ranting, raving or demanding answers just yet surely? A win’s a win, isn’t it?

Gallowgate Cult Heroes, number 11: David Kelly

David Kelly changed my life. With one sweep of his right foot he changed the fortunes of Newcastle United and more or less saved them from writing the darkest chapter in their entire history. In doing so, he changed my life. And in doing so he might just have changed the life of yourself or someone you know.

David ‘Ned’ Kelly was signed from Leicester City for £250,000 in December 1991. He would go on to make 70 appearances across 3 seasons on Tyneside, scoring 35 goals.

We were in deep trouble when Kelly signed. This was the 1991-1992 season, infamous for how close we came to dropping into the third tier of English football. Kelly was signed by Ossie Ardiles, but ended the season under Kevin Keegan, scoring 11 crucial goals that would help us get just far enough up the table to avoid the drop by a whisker. It was a close run thing though!

Kelly was a workhouse of a striker, a willing runner and a chaser of lost causes. He wasn’t without ability, was blessed with a little bit of pace and had scored goals wherever he’d been; just what we needed at this time in our history.

The goal that changed the course of Newcastle United history was obviously a memorable one. Anyone who was at St. James’ Park that day will tell you. We played Portsmouth at home in the old second division and were desperate for a win. Keegan’s Newcastle made all the running that day, but with 5 minutes remaining it looked like we wouldn’t be able to make the breakthrough. And then it happened.

Keeper Tommy Wright threw out to Ray Ranson on the right side of the pitch in our own half and he advanced a little before launching a long ball up the middle. Kelly glanced it on to Micky Quinn who saw his strike partner going for the return and hooked the ball into his path. Meeting it on the bounce, Kelly lashed at it on the half volley from just inside the box at the Gallowgate and the keeper didn’t get near it as it rocketed into the top corner! Cue bedlam, mayhem, limbs, whatever you want to refer to it as.

I’d travelled up from university that day and was in the Gallowgate on my own. I felt physically sick at the prospect of us slipping into division 3 and had hated every second of the match. But as the ball hit the net, the place erupted. I don’t remember a huge amount; just being lifted off my feet in the chaos, screaming with sheer relief. The place was just a swell of joy; nobody who was there will ever forget the significance of what had just happened.

We would go to Leicester on the following weekend knowing that barring a disastrous series of results elsewhere, we would stay up. We won and Kelly was confronted on the pitch by angry Leicester fans who had raced on from the stands as we got the winner.

I met Kelly that summer in a pub in Cramlington. He was just sat at the bar with a mate, totally unassuming in a purple shell suit. I was loathe to make a tool of myself but still felt I had to say thanks for that goal. Kelly received my gratitude with a little bit of bemusement, clearly thinking that he’d done nothing special. I hope he knows the truth.

History shows that we were then promoted to the new, shiny Premier League in the following season and Kelly played his part then too. In a memorable season that ended with us as Second Division champions, Kelly was top scorer with 28 goals. Most notably, he scored the goal that clinched promotion in the 90th minute of a win away at Grimsby when it felt like three quarters of the crowd were geordies. He then went on to score a hat-trick as we walloped Leicester 7-1 at home in the final game of the season. It felt like the Kelly/Cole partnership were about the reap havoc in the Premier League. And then Kelly was sold.

Keegan decided to bring back Peter Beardsley from Everton and Kelly was sacrificed, heading to Wolves. ‘Ned’ would never be forgotten though and the love he found from those at St. James’ Park was still strong, even when he’d clearly had enough of proper football and signed for Sunderland. In fact, when he returned with the mackems a few years later Kelly was given a standing ovation as he took the field as a sub. A remarkable, instinctive and quite beautiful show of appreciation for a man who, you might just say, played a big part in saving the club.

David Kelly, take a bow.

Film Review: ‘Marcel The Shell with Shoes On’.

If someone was to recommend a film to you where the premise was that a man discovers a talking shell and makes a documentary about it, you would be forgiven for deciding that this wasn’t the film for you. Furthermore, no one would question you doubting that someone’s sanity. And yet, here we are…

The idea behind ‘Marcel the Shell with Shoes On’ is ludicrous to say the least. To be fair though, nobody’s telling us this is real life and there have always been ludicrous ideas in some of our most loved films. ET, Star Wars, The Hobbit…it’s a list that could go on and on. And it gets even sillier though when you realise that Marcel the shell lives in an Airbnb with his grandma…also a shell. That said, I can only write about the film in glowing terms and say that you have to see ‘Marcel…’!

Having moved into an Airbnb, documentary maker Dean stumbles across Marcel the shell, who of course already lives there. Being only an inch tall, however, he’s thus far survived without being discovered. Somehow, a friendship of sorts is formed and Marcel is quick to introduce the aforementioned grandma as well as Alan, his pet ball of lint.

The film documents Marcel’s life and the friendship between him and Dean. We learn that Marcel used to have a whole family living here, but following a break up of the people who were renting the house, the family had disappeared. Marcel’s only clue as to their whereabouts is a picture of the man’s car and suitcase. Marcel is sure that his family were bundled up into the suitcase.

It’s a ludicrous idea at first, but you can’t help but warm to Marcel, almost immediately. He looks cute, he sounds cute and as the film goes on we find out that he’s both funny and caring as well as being vulnerable, which I guess you might expect of a shell.

When Dean then uploads a video of Marcel to the internet in order to help him find his family, the results are exactly what you’d expect. Marcel goes viral and the world becomes obsessed with finding this talking shell…and his grandma. Luckily, Dean is very protective and careful about who he lets into this world and soon the hunt for Marcel’s family is quietly on.

‘Marcel the shell…’ is just a lovely film. The relationship between Marcel and Dean is a real feelgood thing and the film is done in such a way that it all seems perfectly natural and dare I say it, believable. At first, I found myself kind of scoffing at the whole thing, but before too long I was completely under its spell. I won’t spoil things with any more detail, but suffice to say there’s a lot to take in.

Laughs, sadness, happiness, internet fame; what more could you want from a film about a shell who lost his family? If you’re after a film that will invariably make you smile and take you away from the troubles and seriousness of modern life, then ‘Marcel the shell with shoes on’ could well be for you.

I give ‘Marcel the shell with shoes on’…

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Five Things That Made Me Smile: December and January.

Confession time. I had so much to smile about over Christmas, New Year and in January that my title is now somewhat lacking in the truth. So while I call this series of blogs ‘5 Things That Made Me Smile’, this one has a few more. Call them a Christmas bonus, if you will.

Christmas. The first thing that made me smile was Christmas itself. I love Christmas and always have done. It still feels kind of magical, even at my age. I love giving and receiving presents, seeing our decorations and also the efforts made by others around the town where I live or wherever I might be visiting. I love going home to see family and old friends I love Christmas television and always find myself watching old films that I haven’t seen for years. I love the fact that at some point I can just switch off, forget about work, forget about problems and even forget about what day it is! There’s loads to love about Christmas and it never fails to make me smile.

The first term in my new job. I started a new job in September at an all boys school and it’s been very demanding, but also lots of fun. It’s nice working in a school in the lead up to Christmas as everyone, regardless of whether or not they celebrate it, gets excited. This year though, what with the new job and some family illness thrown in for good measure, I was pretty much exhausted by the time the term came to an end. I’m enjoying my role though, so there’s every reason to smile.

A Shooting Star. There was a lot of talk of various planets being visible to the naked eye in the skies over Yorkshire during January. So, one night, when I noticed that the sky was incredibly clear and I was sure that the big orange star that I could see was Venus (it wasn’t!), I took my camera outside to try and get some decent photographs. I failed miserably and came back in. Then something told me to turn around and go back. When I did, almost immediately a shooting star whizzed past left to right, directly in front of my house. I’ve haven’t seen one since I was in my teens and it made my night, so this was definitely something to smile about.

Gavin and Stacey. This Christmas saw the final ever episode of Gavin and Stacey. If you don’t know of it, Gavin and Stacey is a popular comedy drama on the BBC. The previous episode, another Christmas special, had been 5 years ago, so this one was much anticipated. It’s fair to say that it was worth the wait. I won’t bore you with the details or spoil the surprise if you intend to watch it, but it certainly didn’t disappoint. The star of the show, James Corden, has become a bit of a marmite figure over the years, but personally I haven’t got a problem with him. As Smithy, he plays an excellent part and it’s him and Nessa (Ruth Jones) that this one revolves around. There was a lot to like about this final ever episode, as several storylines from over the years were finally tied up. And the ending was pretty much perfect. All in all then, a lot to laugh – and smile – about!

Not a snow day, but a snow week! Just to be clear, I love my job. But whenever we get a snow day, such is their rarity, it’s nothing short of a cause for celebration! So when it snowed quite heavily here in early January my hopes were up. By the Monday though, just as the new term was starting, I was up out of bed and getting ready for work. However, when I checked my phone, it said that school was closed. And when it happened again the next day, I was delighted. And you can probably imagine my state of mind when on the Wednesday we were told that we’d be closed for the rest of the week! I was setting work online for around 7.30 every morning and checking my laptop for any questions or queries from students throughout the day, but really, my time was my own. I’ve never had a three week Christmas break before, and probably won’t get one again, so this was truly special!

Walk, walk, walk. The aforementioned snow week meant that on a couple of occasions I could walk my daughter to work when she had an early start. I’m not one for lying in bed, it wasn’t a problem and when it was dark and icy it was nice to know I could just be a dad and make sure that she was safe. On a couple of occasions it was lovely and sunny and so once she was at work I just kept on walking. Plenty of exercise, loads of fresh air and everywhere I went looking that little bit better because it was blanketed in snow!

First run of the year. I’d spent about a month before and during the Christmas period suffering with a flu type bug. It really took it out of me and meant that I couldn’t get out and run. So, when I was able to get out a day before the snow and ice struck it felt fantastic. I only ran a 5k and didn’t push myself too hard, but after a month of feeling terrible, it was just brilliant to be able to get around my route! I’m gradually building up my distances again as I have races in March, April, May and June, so I’m determined to be in the best shape. That little 5k was hopefully the start of a good year of running and definitely a reason to allow myself a bit of a smile.

A wireless pacemaker. The final thing that made me smile came from the news. I read an article about the development of a wireless pacemaker that’s smaller than a triple A battery. Apparently it’s been described as a ‘game changer’ for heart patients. There are two devices that ‘talk to each other’ and keep the heart beating normally. Amazing stuff! It can also be fitted via a vein in your leg, meaning a lot less risk of infection and no ugly chest scarring. Who knows, maybe I’ll have one when mine gets changed in about 8 years time? Or maybe there’ll be even more developments by then?

All in all, it was a great Christmas period. Work even managed to extend it quite a way into January as well. What’s not to like about that?

NUFC: The January transfer window? Feels like a waste of time!

In his poem The Wasteland, T.S. Elliot tells us that April is the cruellest month. It’s a reference to depression and suicide rates. And while I’m a bit of a fan of the poem, I’m afraid I’m beginning to disagree with Elliot’s assertion about April. Surely, in a world of PSR frustrations, January is miles more cruel for us Newcastle fans.

Of course, I’m being a bit dramatic, but I’d defy anyone to tell me that January in Toon terms isn’t at the very least an enormous pain in the arse.

There are many reasons for this, the chief one being those three dreaded letters…PSR. The ludicrous financial fair play rules that make it practically impossible to achieve anything close to fair play. That is of course unless you have to be one of a clutch of clubs that the whole system was designed to favour in the first place. Or that you’re just Chelsea.

In summer, our spending was rendered almost pointless as PSR forced us to sell two bright talents in Elliot Anderson and Yankuba Minteh, two players who would have almost certainly been in and around the first team for these last 5 months and then for years to come. Frankly, we’d all rather have kept Anderson than gained Odysseas Vlachodimos, as funny as his name might be. In fact, it might be argued that Anderson was a better third choice keeper than the Greek, given that he’s barely had a look in during his time at the club. Put simply, what Anderson and Minteh offered was well worth keeping and the rules shouldn’t be dictating that kind of decision when a club simply doesn’t have the financial need to have to make it. Nor should the rules be used against clubs resulting in weakening squads.

The argument about our ‘richest owners in world football’ has been done to death and there’s no point crying about it here, but it’s safe to say that PSR isn’t the thing that’s keeping us financially safe. And that’s the case for many other clubs too. While clubs being in financial trouble is no joke given their status at the heart of many communities, how many have actually gone out of business? Not many in the grand scheme of things and when you are as financially independent as we are and as responsible with spending, PSR is irrelevant.

Face it, PSR is the ruin of the transfer window, a death knell not just for ridiculous spending that clubs can’t afford, but in many cases just spending of any kind. The majority of clubs won’t spend anything because of the PSR deadline in June! It makes the January transfer window almost obsolete and with that begins to threaten the Premier League’s grand claim of being the best league in the world. Clubs can’t buy anyone in order to help change their fortunes, which only goes to add more weight to the anti-competition accusations. In Newcastle United terms, it makes the wealth of our owners just another frustration and helps make January in particular, the cruellest month. To use an idiom, we’re all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Things get worse when you look at the spending of other clubs. As I write, Manchester City – with 115 charges still against them in terms of previous spending, by the way – have so far spent £122m. And I know that their turnover is far higher than ours…but still. Villa have spent money and continue to be linked with players, Spurs have spent money and it looks like there will be more, Ipswich have spent £20m and even Bournemouth, Wolves and Southampton have spent a bit. And there will be more, you can bet. PSRwise, how does this work?

Meanwhile, we’re told time and again that it will be very unlikely that we’ll spend money, despite players being moved on. The reasoning that we’re saving it until summer doesn’t fill me with much hope either. I’ve heard it before. We’ve all heard it before. And given our actual financial situation, it’s all the more frustrating.

Then we get to Chelsea, who so far this January haven’t spent a penny. But they will. And if it was just because they have a huge turnover, that would be ok. But we all know that it’s not. So far, the Premier League have sanctioned the selling of two of their hotels to themselves as well as the sale of their women’s team…to themselves. It doesn’t fill you with much confidence about the whole cartel argument and the way that the Premier League seems to look the other way as Chelsea take the piss. And we could cast our eyes Manchester United’s way for similar shenanigans as ‘allowances’ are made for them because of Covid expenses. Not a privilege that will ever be extended to us by Mr. Masters, I’m sure. And I’m sure that any even remotely similar transactions on our part would come under ridiculous amounts of scrutiny too. It’s enough to bend the mind of any Toon fan as we endure another barren January.

What makes January even worse for me personally though is the constant links and hard luck stories that we get from the press. So far this month we must have been linked to at least 40 different players. The excellent NUFC.com list 20 different links on the Rumours page at time of writing, while the Chronicle seem to have a story saying that we’re either ‘watching, ‘tracking’, ‘monitoring’ or ‘interested in’ several players on a daily basis. What do these things even mean? And if we’re never signing these players who ultimately end up elsewhere, what’s the point in even scouting them at all, let alone ‘monitoring’ them?

The story that really got my January goat was when the agent of Khusanov, the centre half who went to Manchester City, told the Chronicle that we were ‘very close to the deal’ and that we were ‘last to leave the race with City’! The last to leave the race is small consolation when actually it just means that we didn’t sign anyone again!

Despite all of this, I still scan the websites, read the papers and will inevitably be tuned to Sky Sports News on deadline day, as ever, in the hope that something, just something will happen. Despite Eddie Howe being pretty consistent in telling reporters that any signings are unlikely, I live in the same state of hope that we probably all do. Why do we bother though? January is definitely the cruellest month…and that’s before you even give a thought to Arsenal fans and their obsession with Alexander Isak!

NUFC: The ones that got away – Silvio Maric.

Silvio Maric should have amounted to much more than he did as a Newcastle player. Signed from Croatia Zagreb in February 1999, he came with a good reputation as a goalscoring midfielder, having scored 28 goals in 91 appearances for Zagreb. Maric looked for all the world like a solid signing, with an eye for goal and the bit of quality that we would need. And while I know it’s not a guarantee of any kind, when you think of the midfielders that Croatia has produced over the years – Modric, Rakitic, Prosinecki and Boban spring to mind – it seems very much typically NUFC that we could sign a Croatian dud!

I’m sure there’ll be many a Mag who disagrees with me on this latest choice for a ‘one that got away’. But to that I’d say, you might just be missing the point. The point of this series isn’t to look at amazing players that we lost; more to look into the ones that just should have been better than the disappointments or disasters even, that they turned out to be. So for me, Silvio Maric fits the bill perfectly. For me, there was a player in there, but he just simply didn’t come out to play!

Maric was signed by Ruud Gullit, who you’d have thought might just have had a good eye for a decent midfielder. And Maric did have quality. At £3.5m he could have been a bargain, but in the end we actually ended up losing almost half of our money when he was sold to Porto after just over a season.

Silvio arrived looking out of shape and rather than hitting the ground running, he just hit the ground. It was obvious from very early on in his Toon career, that he wasn’t going to be up to the demands of the Premier League, but also that he just didn’t seem to fancy it. And yet here was a midfielder with vision and real quality on the ball. Coupled with his eye for goal – his career stats of 46 goals in 222 appearances kind of back this up – all he really needed was the desire to succeed or a bit of hard work and he could have been so much more for us.

My one real positive memory of Maric was at the 1999 FA Cup semi final against Spurs when he set up the second clinching goal for Alan Shearer. He took the ball to the edge of the box on the left hand side, drew two defenders in and then, when most would have whipped over a cross, he checked back and laid a perfect set up back to Shearer on the edge of the box who thumped it with the outside of his right foot, beyond Ian Walker and into the back of the net. The goal will always be remembered as yet another Shearer thunderbolt, but Maric’s vision under pressure, with the clock ticking down and Spurs looking for an equaliser, was important as well.

Maric made under 30 appearances for Newcastle and only scored in Europe, where he had an impressive record of 2 goals in 3 games that might have hinted at the player we actually had. Ultimately though, he just didn’t seem to have the stomach for the Premier League and in 2000 he was off to Porto for £2m. His final move was back to Zagreb in and he retired in 2006.

We can only really speculate about whether Maric was ‘one that got away’, but what I would say is that he was another one of those players that could and perhaps should have done so much more on Tyneside.

Poetry Blog: Icebreaker

We had a week’s worth of snow days for our first week of the half term, which meant that despite setting work and trying to get stuff done around the house, I actually had a bit of time on my hands. Struck by inspiration today, I sat and wrote a poem. It’s not in any way serious, although the actual physical acts described did actually happen. Part way through writing something serious I just decided it was too good an opportunity for something silly and so changed the way it was going. I hope you like it.

Icebreaker

After two days trapped in limbo by first, several whole inches of snow
and now an actual coating of not only quite thick but also horribly slippy ice,
action is called for.
And when people call for action you'd like to think it's you they have in mind...

You've already lugged the deadweight of a kid's beach bucket full of grit for miles across this frozen corner of West Yorkshire.
Your back, damp with manly sweat, is already hurty.
Now, you stand in what is either a power pose or your audition for Drag Race, shovel in hand even though the snow has made it's metal handle really cold and you've forgotten your gloves.
The only bloke in the street brave enough to tackle the ice. Behind their curtains they watch you, rapt, you think.
Frankly, if you're forced to say so yourself, you're a hero.  
They will call you Icebreaker. Maybe.

Seizing your tool and raising it high, 
you plunge it at the ice.
It rebounds with force but your teeth remain intact.
Oh, for an axe.
Not to be deterred, you plunge once more and a whole whisp of snow
leaps into the air...then lands back on the very ground you were working on.
Nevertheless, your momentarily spirits soar. 
You thrust once more, again, again and again, ignoring the cold and mindful, ever mindful of the imaginary fact that the whole street are watching and probably, later on, will take to their doorsteps to clap their appreciation of their hero key worker, only stopping when the last of the snow is gone.

Ten minutes later, wheezing and clutching your back,
you limp back to the house, muttering and licking the bleeding knuckle
that you nicked on your own spade,
having cleared an entire two square feet of treacherous snow and ice.
In your mind you are a gladiator who fears no foe.
In the hallway mirror you look like Albert Steptoe.

So, there you go. Luckily, I’m well practiced at laughing at myself, what with being a bit of a kn**head and all. In my defence it was very cold and the ice was very thick. I went out later and did more as well. And before anyone questions my logic, there’s a bit of a grit shortage so I was keen to use a little bit and then dig the rest of the ice out, saving some grit for later.

I have to say, it was a poem that I really enjoyed writing. I haven’t written or finished one in ages, but this one is more or less a first draft. I wrote it down in my note back with a few arrows pointing to late additions when I changed my mind about its seriousness.

I hope you enjoyed it. Maybe it’ll raise a smile the next time your clearing some ice and snow. If you’re as heroic as me, that is!

The Pacemaker Diaries: It’s been two years.

You wouldn’t know it with the amount that I probably bang on about it, but I genuinely didn’t want having a pacemaker to define me. Still, I write about it, think about it constantly, find myself telling people things about it and frequently catch myself looking at my scar in the mirror or prodding away at the bit at the top of my chest where my wires are sticking up, right at the surface.

That said, a quick search of my posts tells me that the last time I wrote a ‘Pacemaker Diary’ was actually in November 2023, a whole year after it was fitted. So, even though it’s been mentioned in some pieces I’ve written since, maybe I’m not banging on about it quite as much as I imagine. Anyone I speak to regularly can feel free to correct me on that though!

I was prompted to write this post because of Facebook memories of all things. In the lead up to Christmas and New Year just gone it felt like every few days there’d be something popping up where I was thanking people for their support or updating friends on my progress. They reminded me of both how poorly I’d been and also how far I’d come and they made me do a lot of thinking about the little machine that sits in my chest.

It’s been over 2 years since I had the pacemaker fitted. I didn’t pay much attention to the anniversary this time around. Sometimes there’s just too much going on in life for you to pause and have a think about stuff. But those Facebook memories changed all that and made me want to write something down about what life’s like these days. Self indulgent? I don’t know really, but I guess if you think that way you have the option of clicking that little x in the corner of your screen and not reading on.

I think writing about it simply helps me get on with life, which might be a bit more understandable when I tell you what it’s all like.

The pacemaker makes me feel a lot more comfortable about life, that’s for sure. I hardly ever worry about my heart. But paradoxically, it is always there to remind of just how poorly I was and the long, long time that it took me to get better. On top of that it’s a constant reminder of how low it all made me feel and the worryingly negative effects it had on my mental health.

There are both positives and negatives when it comes to having this device though and those reminders on social media made me think about a few of them. The first is just a bit of a change, I suppose, although does feel slightly negative. These days, my heart literally thumps when there’s not really been a great deal of effort. I’ve noticed it when climbing stairs and also that when getting into bed and straightening out the duvet, once I settle down my heart will be thumping! As someone who had an unnaturally low heart rate prior to all this – one of the reasons for the pacemaker – that takes a bit of getting used to!

Having the pacemaker has really made me focus on my health and fitness to the point where I’m really quite obsessive and possibly even a little evangelical about running! Silly really, but it genuinely makes me feel strong being able to run, especially in actual races. I couldn’t recommend it enough, even though I’m aware it’s not everybody’s cup of tea!

Another negative is that I live with a heart monitor by the side of my bed. This makes me feel really, really old! The monitor doesn’t do much, but I’m aware it’s feeding data back to the hospital which still feels a little bit weird. As I mentioned earlier as well, I have another scar as well as a strange bit on my chest where my wires just stick upwards. It’s a neat little scar, but those wires spoil things and coupled with the big scar that I have on my chest from a childhood heart operation, it’s not a great look!

My condition means that I still get heart palpitations, albeit nowhere near as regularly as I was having them for large parts of 2022 before my operation. However now, when they come I can rest assured that the pacemaker will kick in after about 5 seconds and stop them. It’s still quite a frightening thing, especially when it feels like the pacemaker isn’t going to react. The thought of having them for untold hours and just trying to get on with my day while wondering if I was about to pass out is a memory that still lingers! Still, that pacemaker is reassuring though.

Another drawback is that my left arm and shoulder don’t seem to work very well anymore. My scarring is really close to my left shoulder and I assume that it’s affected things as I haven’t got full movement and my left arm isn’t as ‘strong’ as it used to be. I mean, it wasn’t strong anyway, but it’s just a bit pathetic nowadays!

The final gripe I have is with my aftercare. I’ve only had one follow up appointment with a cardiologist since it all happened. Even that wasn’t actually scheduled. It was an appointment about a 24 hour monitor I’d worn, but in between times I’d had to have my pacemaker fitted, so the appointment was made later because the cardiologist didn’t realise and had to spend a load of time reading my notes before actually seeing me! Since then – January 2023 – there have been a couple of scans done but no meeting with actual doctors, which feels wrong.

I have had a letter from my hospital saying that a planned appointment had been rescheduled for later in the year, but I hadn’t even been informed about the planned appointment, so it’s all a bit of a mystery really! Luckily, I feel fit and healthy but it is concerning not to be speaking to someone when we’re almost 2 years on from the last appointment.

All in all, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. Two years of major change that, just when you think you’ve almost forgotten about it and are living pretty normally, comes back to haunt you via bloody Facebook of all things! Clearly, while this pacemaker doesn’t really define me, it’s never going to leave me either!

Jacob Murphy: Still living the dream!

In April of 2023 I wrote a piece about Jacob Murphy and his contribution to Newcastle United at that time. Put simply, Jacob Murphy was living the dream!

At the time Murphy had been starring in the 2022/2023 as we headed towards Champions League qualification. He’d scored a screamer against Spurs in that 6-1 game and been an integral part of the team in our two legged Carabao Cup semi final victory over Southampton. Who could forget him waving Duja Caleta Car off after his red card in the away leg? And although he couldn’t prevent us from losing the final, he would create more memories in the next season just by lining up for our first Champions League group game against AC Milan in the San Siro. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a player looking so pleased and proud and so bewildered just to be lining up for their club.

I also focused on the fact that, because we were his boyhood club, he was one of our own which made it feel that little bit better that he was doing so well. This was particularly relevant as, prior to Eddie Howe’s arrival, it had looked like his time at the club could have been over following some fairly lukewarm performances, a couple of loans away from the club and the impact of Steve Bruce and his merry gang of other Steves.

Fast forward to 2025 and Jacob Murphy is flying again. Having turned into somewhat of a marmite figure amongst fans for the last year or so, Jacob found himself back in the team towards the end of 2024. I don’t think too many people expected a great deal and the focus was still very much on the need for a right winger in the January transfer window. However, Murphy has enjoyed something of a renaissance since getting back in against Liverpool. In his last 8 games there have been 3 goals and 5 assists. His two goals in the game v Leicester were clinical and in truth he could and should have had a hat-trick that day. But he followed that performance up with a beauty in the next match away to Ipswich.

Murphy’s assists have been invaluable in the recent run. He got another one last night in what was a brilliant performance against Arsenal in the Carabao Cup semi final. He was also involved in the build up to the second goal too. Jacob has produced 4 assists in the last 7 league games and in 24/25 he’s the joint 5th top assister in the Premier League with the same amount of assists as every mackem’s favourite player Amad Diallo, the much hyped Bruno Fernandes and the mythical creature that is Cole Palmer. Clearly, Murph is having a real impact at this moment in time. Eddie Howe loves him. And but for some poor finishing by both Murphy and some of his team mates his goal and assist figures could have been significantly higher. Add to that his workrate and all round contribution and it’s fair to say that Jacob Murphy is well and truly back and living the dream again!

Which brings me to my final thought on the subject. And before I mention it I’ll just clarify and caveat this with the fact that in no way am I saying that this should happen, however much I like Murphy. That said, with Thomas Tuchel in the stands last Saturday as we beat Tottenham, what price an England call-up for Mr. Murphy? I’d imagine it’s highly unlikely with the amount of younger talent that Tuchel has to choose from, but I’d definitely say that England could do worse. Just a thought…

Ladies and gentlemen, Jacob Murphy is living the dream once again!