Category: Article

NUFC: How do you solve a problem like a Wissa?

It’s pretty much been a season of near disasters for Newcastle United. You can go as far back as pre season and the shocking defeat to Celtic. Last minute losses to Arsenal and Liverpool at home, countless injuries, Marseille, Man City in the cup, sunderland, Barcelona and the surrender of 25 points from winning positions. Add to that the shocking drop off in form of our great early season hope, Nick Woltemade. Yoan Wissa, however, might just trump the lot.

I think we all knew that we’d had our pants pulled down when we agreed to pay a reported £55m for a bloke who was about to turn 29 in summer. I’m not sure any of us could have forecast what would come next though.

I have to admit that a few years ago, Wissa was a player that I liked the look of. He was playing second fiddle to Ivan Toney, but on the occasions that I saw Brentford play, he looked dynamic and dangerous. He looked a player with the potential to be the main man at a Premier League club. And he still might be, but this season has made him look anything but.

What we’d probably all hoped for was that quick, dynamic striker that played for Brentford last season. With 20 goals in total, four seasons as a Premier League player and 137 appearances, it appeared that we were getting someone who knew his way around the league. It’s turned out to be an entirely different matter.

So far, Wissa has scored 3 goals and contributed just one assist in 23 appearances. At the time of writing, in 427 minutes of Premier League action he’s managed just the one goal. There’s been little else to redeem him. His contributions have been tepid and it’s already gotten to the stage where he looks a little desperate when he gets on the pitch which is inevitably leading to errors and snatched shots when chances present themselves. In short, he looks lost.

Of course, time will tell whether this year can be put down to the lack of a pre-season (his own doing) and the early injury that ruled Wissa out for so long. But will he even get that time?

For me, Wissa’s signing highlights a lack of scouting depth. The last minute farce of signing an Isak replacement should never have happened. Even before we knew that the rat wanted out, we should have been targeting his successor. It feels like we weren’t. And if we have a look at some of the other new strikers in the league it makes our decision to sign Wissa look all the more desperate and unimaginative.

Brentford had signed Igor Thiago from Club Brugge in 2024, but injury ruled him out for most of last season. However, looking at his stats for this season puts our scouting to shame. So far, Thiago has 21 goals in 40 appearances and has just made his debut for Brazil. He’s 24; not even in his prime, but with enough experience to suggest that he has all the tools to lead the line at a bigger club. He’d been playing in Europe for just over 2 seasons when Brentford bought him. He wasn’t unknown.

In July 2025 Everton signed Thierno Barry from Villareal for £27m. After a shaky start he’s now made 31 appearances and scored 6 goals. Not an incredible record, but he’s only 22 and was signed at half the price of Wissa. He’s also a French Under 21 international who’d been playing regularly in Europe since 2022. Would his raw talent and potential have been a better bet last year when we’d committed so much money already to signing Nick Woltemade?

Even in the dark place down the road they have a summer signing who has been a success. Brian Brobbey signed from Ajax having scored 35 goals in 92 appearances. Quick and powerful, his potential looks huge and even though he’s not exactly lit up the goalscoring charts, he looks to be another player who would have fit right into our team.

To be clear, I’m not saying any of the above would have been the answer to all of our problems. But it’s interesting to look and see that all of them have had a greater impact than our £55m man.

Would Eddie Howe have been able to mould and nurture any of this potential into a better option than Wissa? I guess we’ll never know. However, his work with other players in our squad would suggest so. Or would an alternative have went the same way as Wissa? After all, Eddie certainly hasn’t worked any magic there and as we approach the end of the season Wissa is looking more and more like a forgotten man.

In then end, we’ll never know if anyone else would have worked out better. But for me, Wissa’s signing and the fall out from what was a farcical summer window shows that this is an area where we have to do better.

With another even more crucial window approaching and the need for more striking options well documented it’s vitally important that Ross Wilson gets it right. And if he’s still Newcastle’s number 9 next season, then Yoanne Wissa has to start the season in top form.

Gallowgate Cult Heroes – Number 22; Kevin Brock

OK, so some of you will never have heard of Kevin Brock. And those of you who have heard of him will almost certainly be questioning his status as any kind of hero. Look, indulge me. Bear with me. I mean, no one’s asking you to write this, but if you could give it a few minutes to read, it might make a little more sense.

Kevin Brock joined Newcastle from Queens Park Rangers in 1988 for £300,000. This was in the December of what would turn out to be a miserable season in the old Division One.

Brock was a slightly built, but skilful central midfielder. He promised a bit of flair and creativity that had been sadly lacking. He wanted to be on the ball, wanted to get his head up and play and was partial to running with it too. Like me, he was small, thin and didn’t look like he could fight his way out of a wet paper bag. I liked him immediately.

Newcastle would finish dead last in the old Division 1 in Brock’s first season having been woeful throughout. Kevin played 21 times and scored twice, but offered a little bit of light in among the darkness of a terrible season.

I enjoyed watching him play, especially the fact that it felt like he wanted to take a risk at a time when the majority were scared to have the ball.

Brock would make 50 appearances in the following season as we finished third in the second division before falling at the first hurdle in the play offs. He was often the provider for our dynamic front duo of Micky Quinn and Mark McGhee who scored 59 goals between them.

Fast forward a couple of seasons and with Kevin Keegan in charge we would finally gain promotion to the Premier League (or Premiership as it was back then). And while Brock wouldn’t be the star of the show, his eye for a pass still made plenty of chances for the likes of David Kelly, Micky Quinn and eventually Andy Cole.

Other notable Brock memories would include him going in goal against Birmingham in a 3-2 away win after keeper Tommy Wright was injured. And from my memory of the local news report the following night, he had an amazing game. I also seem to recall him scoring a fantastic goal away at West Brom when we ran out 5-1 winners in the 89/90 season.

My final memory of Brock also comes from the fateful 89/90 season and a charity cricket match at Blaydon Cricket Club where I was fortunate enough – as a very nervous teenager – to meet both Kevin and Micky Quinn. Both signed my green and yellow away kit which I still have to this day!

With Newcastle in the Premier League, Brock failed to make an appearance with Keegan preferring Rob Lee, Paul Bracewell or Lee Clark in his midfield slot. Heading out on loan to Cardiff City, Kevin would make only 14 appearances scoring 2 goals.

After 6 years on Tyneside, Kevin was released and went on for a number of seasons in the lower leagues at clubs like Stockport, Yeovil and Oxford City.

For me though, Brock was something of a hero. I enjoyed watching his style of play and always felt that there was more to come from him. In the end he was just at the latter end of his career and pushed out of the action by better players in a team that was finally on the up. It would be churlish to say that he didn’t play his part in the upturn in fortunes, but I’m sure that some will disagree with my verdict on his time in Toon.

So maybe I’ll have to compromise and call him a ‘Small Part of the Gallowgate Cult Hero’?

Always look on the bright side – 5 things that made me smile in March.

Welcome along to my monthly dose of positivity and some attempts to raise a smile in those who manage to read. This one’s a little bit later than I’d planned, but it’s been a busy April so far! So, getting back to the business of positivity, what made me smile in March?

England’s Coastal Path. I was interested to read about the opening – by the king no less – of England’s coastal path, a continuous trail around our coastline. Named the King Charles III England Coastal Path, the trail is 2689 miles long and basically lets us walk every step of England’s coast. Much of it was open already, but the new trail brings with it lots of upgrades. And England’s coastline is well worth a look. Closer to me there are some beautiful areas around North Yorkshire, but also around where I grew up in the North East there are vast swathes of Northumberland coastal beauty just waiting to be explored and enjoyed. As I approach retirement, this is something that I fully intend to make great use of while I’m still young enough!

The Monteverde Conservation Area and Cloud Forest. Speaking of retirement, I keep seeing places I’d like to visit when I eventually finish with work. The latest came while watching a programme with my Year 10 group as a reward for their hard work. It featured the Monteverde Conservation Area in Costa Rica, established in 1972 and since then dedicated to 26,000 acres of woodlands and rainforests containing 2500 plant species, 100 types of mammal and 400 bird species. I could go on and on about it, but suffice to say, it looks utterly beautiful and decidedly special. Hopefully Mrs C is open to a long haul trip once we’re done with working!

The Classic Car. It’s always been a vague dream of mine to own a classic car. I say vague because really, I know it won’t happen. I love the look of certain classic cars, but couldn’t cope with the upkeep and the worry about things going wrong! Still though, a story about a classic car caught my eye and made me smile last month. This was the tale of Cathleen Hourie who had always dreamed of owning an Austin 3 Litre, having been introduced to them by her first ever boyfriend. So when she spotted one for sale she was over the moon. But then she found out that it was in New Zealand and she lived in Orkney! However, it turned out that the seller was willing to ship the car to her in order to help make her dream come true. Dutchman Hans Computer duly brought the car to the Netherlands and then towed it from there to Cathleen who said, “I’ve been grinning ever since Hans arrived!” Isn’t it lovely when others go out of their way to help people out?

The Wakefield 10k. My latest 10k race was a familiar one. I’ve done the Wakefield 10k for the last three years now and I really enjoy it. There’s always lots of people out watching the runners and cheering us on and the route is both challenging and enjoyable. This year was actually my slowest time, but I still had fun. The weather was pretty much perfect for running – little wind, just warm enough and dry – making the conditions exactly what I would have wanted. It’s just a shame my legs didn’t quite get the message! I wrote a full blog about my experience on the link below, if you fancy a read.

The Wakefield 10k 2026

The World’s Fastest…Pea Pod? No, you read that right. This was the story of Vicky Knight, who took part in the Cambridge Half Marathon dressed as a pea pod. She was part of a group who ran as a human salad bowl selection if that makes it any more palatable. Of course, there is such a thing as a world record time for a woman completing a half marathon dressed as a vegetable and when Vicky completed the Cambridge course in 1 hour and 21 minutes, she comfortably beat the previous record of 1 hour 46 minutes (I don’t know what the vegetable was for this one though!). All that remains is for Guinness to verify it, but this was a world record that couldn’t fail to make me smile!

And there we have it. Five more reasons to turn that frown upside down. Hopefully there was something there that brightened your day a little bit at least!

The Wakefield 10k 2026

As anyone who reads my stuff on a regular basis knows, I love running. It’s something that I’ve done on and off since childhood, but when I had the first of my heart operations 7 years ago it was something I started to take more seriously again. Having my pacemaker fitted 3 years ago then really focused me; I needed to be as fit as possible.

Last Sunday marked my latest 10k race, the Wakefield 10k. This was my third entry and I was pretty much raring to go.

It’s felt like my training has been blighted by injury and illness for more or less the last year or so. I haven’t ever felt very fit and when a race has come around I’ve either went into it having not ran the full distance in training or having only managed a smattering of training sessions.

For my latest Wakefield adventure though I’d had 7 weeks of decent training and despite a cold a couple of weeks ago, had just been getting on with things. Still, I wasn’t exactly raring to go, but I was optimistic of posting a decent time. The weather also went my way too; hardly any wind and it was quite warm too. So everything was just about in place for a good run!

I really enjoy doing the Wakefield 10k. It’s an undulating course and therefore fairly challenging, but it suits me in a way as there are loads of hills where I train. So as much as I complain about having to run up hills all of the time, it means that at least races with hills come as no great surprise. It doesn’t stop me grumbling though!

There are also always plenty of spectators out along the route and they’re always really supportive, which can give you a timely boost just when one was needed. It’s funny how I would consider myself a bit grumpy at times and not really one to join in too much forced fun, yet get me in a race and I’m high fiving kids and pressing their ‘Power Up’ signs left, right and centre! I guess it’s just all part of the experience. I mean, it can’t all be about ending up with a body that aches for days after, but knowing that you at least earned a new t-shirt or a medal!

In the end, I didn’t quite get the time I wanted. I thought I was running well and was keeping an eye on my watch, but on reflection probably went out a little quicker than I should have which meant I suffered a bit in the last two miles. So my 55 minutes wasn’t quite what I wanted. I saw my wife and son in the final stretch of road before the finishing straight and instinctively sped up, but I was shattered!

To add to my problems, they’d moved the finish line back a bit, meaning that when I kicked and started to sprint for the line…it wasn’t there! Well, it was but just further away than it had been before, so that as I turned the corner into what I thought was about another 100 yards or so, it was about double that and my tired legs did not respond well. I managed to steel myself enough to keep up a decent pace, but had let two or three people pass me in my confusion. Never mind!

Such was my effort that I was convinced I was going to be sick as I crossed the line and it was just a case of keeping moving, finding a space and pulling myself together a bit. Luckily, I wasn’t sick!

New t-shirt collected and a bottle of water in my hand it was time to do the usual thing of worrying about meeting up with the family. The layout of the finishing area had changed a bit and I wasn’t sure they’d be able to find me, but just when I was wondering how long they’d be, they appeared. A few minutes later I bumped into a former student – who I’d also met at the same event last year – so that made for a lovely end to my morning’s running. And if running a 10k isn’t reminder enough of your age, meeting an ex student from what must be 15 years ago, with their toddler will really emphasise this!

My next 10k is in Pontefract in May and it’s another hilly one. With that in mind I’m going to try concentrating on some strength work in among my running, as my skinny little legs really aren’t built for hills! And I’ve already signed up for next year’s Wakefield 10k with the goal of being in better shape than I have been in the last 3 years or so and getting a personal best. Even at my age it’s nice to set some ambitious goals!

NUFC: A time for heroes.

So Wednesday night came and went with a result that we couldn’t really argue with. Sure, the scoreline was painful and we’d competed well for three quarters of the tie. But I think we all knew – however deep down – that Barcelona away would spell the end of another European adventure.

As I write I’m not sure I’ve really fully recovered. It’s still bizarre to look at and there’s still a sense of disbelief about what happened. But a couple of days of reflection has told me that there was still stuff to be pleased about.

We had some more truly great European nights making the most progress we’ve ever made in the Champions League in the process. We matched the current Champions League holders – yawn, again – and despite the result, matched Barcelona for much of the tie. And when push comes to shove, we only lost 3 of 12 games. We’ll have learnt a huge amount from those 12 games and younger lads like Lewis Hall, Malick Thiaw, Lewis Miley and others will be better players for that experience. But the dust has to settle now.

As it stands, we’re about to launch ourselves into an eight game mini season, starting with the sister lovers down the road at home on Sunday. Six of the teams that we’ll play currently sit outside of the top 10, meaning that there are some very winnable games to come. Could there be a final fantastic twist in the season still to come?

Obviously though Sunday is huge. Whatever the status of either team, when we meet it’s always huge. And we really owe them one after the game in December. It wasn’t any kind of stylish win for them, just more the fact that we thoroughly let ourselves down. We just didn’t turn up and that cannot be the case on Sunday.

It would be great if all of the usual talk had some substance for once. Over the years I’ve gotten sick of hearing Newcastle players giving it the big one before big games and talking in cliches and soundbites about how ready we are and what we’re going to do. I’d hoped that the Carabao Cup final had put an end to any big game mentality issues. All I want on Sunday is that we turn up and are aggressive and absolutely on the front foot. Take the game to them, make sure there’s nowhere to hide and not a second to dwell on the ball and make sure that class tells in the end. We shouldn’t be giving an inch at St. James’.

Sunday isn’t about bragging rights or being ‘north east top dogs.’ Yes, it’s about pride, but it’s much more than that. Win and we kick start the season…again. Lose and the pressure’s on and frankly it’s a disaster. A win would make be psychologically massive as we attempt to climb the table, but because it’s them, it would undoubtedly do wonders for the club at this time. You might even argue that it sets up a feelgood factor going into next season too because a loss means that we’re starting from scratch when the same game comes around next year.

Every aspect is important, starting with the crowd. We have to make the atmosphere horrible, no excuses. Their lot need to be at the very least unnerved, while our lads need to be inspired. Win our battles, keep the ball, play fast and play 100% focused. If we’re being outbattled and outthought by Dan Bellend and Granit Xhaka then maybe a few need to be giving up. Given what’s just happened and what’s to come, we cannot lose. We just have to win.

Just this morning I watched a video of the highlights of the derby win on New Year’s Day, 1985. One of the first I can remember being at. We were superb that day, dominating, winning convincingly and seeing two mackems sent off for their headloss. We could do with seeing that spirit and that dominance this again weekend. A Peter Beardsley hat-trick wouldn’t go amiss either, but there’s no hope there! Perhaps Nick Woltemade is in the mood for revenge?

It’s crucial that we use all of the big game experience gained over the last four years, take the game to them and channel that aggression in order to keep eleven on the field. I for one couldn’t stand to see another referee ruin a game this season! And I couldn’t stand their lot and the media reminding us for another season of how long it is since we beat them in the league!

Last season, when the club needed a hero, eleven of them stepped up and left Wembley as “f***ing legends” to quote our captain. A year on and we need them to step up again, starting on Sunday and then carrying on for the seven games after. So let’s be positive about Sunday and then the rest of the season. We can only look up, in my opinion. No half measures, no mistakes, no excuses.

We’re Newcastle United. Howay the lads!

Magpie Moments Episode 7

Welcome to another edition of Magpie Moments. I’d like to think that this edition encapsulates the feeling that Newcastle United can be a very different kind of club. It’s not just glory and despair; no, we do a great line in the downright bizarre as well. But, we’ll start with a lovely goal just to remember that we are actually capable of a bit of unbridled joy as well!

Mark McGhee channelling Mexico ’86 Diego Maradona! It was October 1989 and Newcastle United were flying high near the top of the old Division 2 in the hunt for promotion. We’d started with a 5-2 thumping of promotion favourites Leeds, Micky Quinn getting four on debut and been reasonably consistent all season, sitting in 5th with what should have been a simple home game to come against Bradford. Newcastle being Newcastle though, nothing is ever straightforward and going into the final minute of the game, we’d huffed and puffed, missed a penalty and hit the post. Enter Mark McGhee who’d finally broke his scoring duck in late September and had scored in the previous 3 games. Taking the ball from a throw in McGhee held off his marker, future Toon centre half Peter Jackson, and eventually turned towards goal. Although not being blessed with any pace to speak of McGhee had momentum and simply barrelled his way past defenders, slaloming left and right until he was out in front of goal and able to slot the ball past the keeper. A simply brilliant goal! I was on the Gallowgate and the reaction was chaotic; sheer relief coupled with an instinctive need to stay on your feet while all around you pushed, shoved, jumped and hugged. Watching the goal again on YouTube I was amazed to hear commentator Roger Thames describe McGhee as “hurtling towards the danger zone”. He didn’t. In fact, it looked like he didn’t have the energy to celebrate when it went in, instead being dragged to the ground by Micky Quinn. The season would end woefully with the infamous play off defeat, but this was another moment where being a Toon fan is just the best thing in the world!

Jonas released. It takes a certain kind of boss to display a complete lack of sympathy, empathy or interest in an employee who has been diagnosed with cancer. And Mike Ashley was that certain kind of boss. So when Jonas Gutierrez was given his diagnosis of testicular cancer the club were slow to help. Then, when he returned after treatment it was felt that he was “a liability”. He wasn’t selected because his contract stipulated that a certain amount of appearances would trigger an extension. Hence the final day shenanigans and screaming up to the director’s box following his selection and goal against West Ham that year. But this wasn’t the biggest example of lacking any humanity here. No, that came when John Carver broke the news that Jonas was being released. By phone. When Jonas was on holiday. Yep, ‘Carvs’ – who was only following orders from above – rang Ryan Taylor to break news of his release and when it transpired that Jonas was there too, Carver simply asked Taylor to put him on! I mean, imagine that. “Hiya Jonas. Aye it’s John Carver. Good holiday so far? Tayls behaving himself? Why am I ringing? Oh, aye…well you know how you’ve been poorly and that? Well, Mike’s asked me to call, just out of courtesy like, to tell you that we’ll not be renewing your contract. We’re releasing you…hello? Jonas? Hello?” You stay class, Ashley.

The Indian War Cry. Readers of a certain vintage will know what this alludes to instantly. But lots of younger fans won’t have a clue. This was a ‘moment’ that used to happen every home game in the 80s. If memory serves me rightly, there was never a prompt or a traditional time for it, but during every match a bloke used to stand up in the corner of the East Stand nearest the Gallowgate and belt out an Indian war cry. There’s footage of it on YouTube and a bit of research tells me he was called Davy, but try as I might I could never locate his whereabouts from where I stood in the Scoreboard at the time. What can I say? It’s just another one of those moments that makes our club as mad as a box of frogs, as they say.

So there you have it. More weird and wonderful moments from over the years of supporting the Toon. And here’s to a few more next time!

NUFC: This might be a defining moment for all of us.

Like many others I watched the videos of Barcelona players arriving at Matfen Hall at the weekend with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. You can’t help but feel excited at the prospect of any Champions League tie, but this one is special for many reasons. This could well be the start of one of the most important periods in the history of the club.

Not to start inventing a rivalry, but we’ve been here before. This will be the sixth time we’ve faced Barca in the Champions League and while any game against them will bring back memories of September 1997 and Tino Asprilla, it shouldn’t be forgotten that this was the only time we’ve beaten them in the Champions League. It might just be time to start thinking about putting that right. So, as if we didn’t know already, the pressure’s on.

A win on Tuesday would be incredible, but sadly we can’t really trust in the logic that it would represent a turning point in out season. You only have to go back to the Man Utd home game to see that. The story of the season is that we can’t seem to string wins or performances together. But a win on Tuesday would surely prove something to the players. Even a draw would help.

Beating Barcelona would be monumental, but only for a short time. We mustn’t forget that it’s a two legged tie. So making the first leg competitive is essential. Having gone to the Etihad a few weeks back with little or no chance of a comeback we should have learned a lesson. Stay in the tie.

Heading to the Nou Camp for a dead rubber simply cannot happen (although I understand it could). So while we have problems with both injuries and form, the occasion and its importance should be enough for the players and staff. Eddie Howe needs to find the tactics that give us the edge and the players need to find the desire to win or at least stay in the game, which to be fair to them, they’ve managed in the Champions League this year.

There are several players who it could be said have something to prove. Nick Woltemade, while to me a player with real quality, seems to be the scapegoat for a lot of people at the moment. It’d be great to see him played further up the field and for him to grab a goal. Yoan Wissa has flattered to deceive since joining the club and is due a performance. And it would be fantastic to see Anthony Elanga use that pace and get at his full back, if he starts. Whoever does start and whoever enters the fray as a sub, this is a time for heroes.

As a team, this is about how we approach the challenges ahead. The ground will no doubt be a bear pit and yet nothing new for Barcelona’s players. The fans will undoubtedly do their part though. So, it’s very much over to Eddie and the players. Stay in the tie against Barcelona and then go on to Chelsea and try to do it all again. And then it’s a showdown with everything to play for at the Nou Camp. The stuff of dreams. Players, fans and staff have the experience and the know how to make this a successful week. Don’t get me wrong, beating Barcelona is a mammoth task and the odds are stacked against us, but surely it’s moments like this in life that we all live for? So why not throw everything you can at the task in hand?

Fellow fans, make it a bear pit, raise the roof and get right behind the lads. Then hopefully, the team can respond with something very special. And when all else fails just remember, it could be worse. We could be playing Port Vale!

Howay Eddie Howe’s Champions League lads!

The usual drama, but a much needed win!

As a Newcastle fan of almost 50 years I’ve gotten used to the fact that there will always be moments. Over the years there have been more bad moments than good ones, but after a while you get used to that and learn to savour the good ones even more.

Last night’s game was packed with moments and all the ups and downs of a pantomime, so isn’t it a shame that yet again one of the main ones was brought about by inept refereeing. But more of that later.

Our performance against Manchester United was the type that we had gotten used to during Eddie Howe’s tenure. High energy, committed, quick. However it was also the type of performance that we are seeing less and less of this season. Regardless, it was wonderful to watch, especially against that lot.

There were a lot of magnificent individual performances across the park. You could name every player and not be wrong. But some stood out more than others and it was nice to not just be praising Lewis Hall for once.

Kieran Trippier was magnificent. He’s been doubted all season; past it apparently, the legs have gone. Well last night he led like a legend, throwing himself into challenges, urging the lads on, making clearance after clearance and always keeping the ball safe with intelligent passing.

Dan Burn was peak Dan Burn. A captain without the armband, but also throwing in a few incredible 50 yard passes to switch the play across to Tripps. Arron Ramsdale, in for Nick Pope, was in fine form and kept us in the game when it could have slipped away.

In midfield, Joelinton rolled back the years with an all action display, driving us forward and breaking up opposition play with that familiar aggression that we’ve all come to love. Alongside him, Sandro Tonali was the midfield maestro from Milano once more.

It was fantastic to see that intensity can still be our identity and all the better for Will Osula’s crowning moment. Many of us would have settled for a draw at that point, but while Kieran Trippier possibly just saw an out ball and Dan Burn has admitted that he was screaming for Osula to take it to the corner, the man himself had other glorious ideas!

And what an idea it was!

However, for much of the final hour of the match many of us would have been preoccupied with Peter Bankes and the pantomime that he cobbled together alongside his pals from Manchester; the villain of the piece, making the rules up as he went along. A bizarre performance capped off by his inability to keep control or even time. Two yellows for Ramsey when you could argue that neither was worthy of a card. Yes, he went down, but firstly there was contact, secondly he just looked to have lost his footing and finally, he didn’t appeal in any way for a penalty. But I suppose when Man Utd are appealing for the sending off it’d be rude not to.

On several occasions Bankes failed to issue a card when Man Utd players waved imaginary yellows at him. And when Bruno Fernandes added telling him to f*** off twice later in the match, he ignored that too.

Next, he conveniently forgot how to tell the time, which when your watch is presumably digital is quite some feat! At the end of the first half Bankes basically played until our opposition scored. Maybe he forgot who their manager was.

In the end we overcame it all and 10 men or 12, 95 minutes or 99, the only numbers that mattered were those of the scoreline.

Mick Hucknall, Deirdre Barlow, Shaun and Bez, the little fella out of Take That…your boys took one helluva beating!

Newcastle well and truly United!

On the morning of the first leg of the Champions League play off in Azerbaijan you could be forgiven for thinking that Newcastle United were in crisis. If you were thick as two short planks that is. Never mind the truth, the media were having a right go at stirring things up.

In the days leading up to the tie there’d been numerous ‘stories’ concerning Toon players wanting to leave. Sandro Tonali was unhappy and wanted to go back to Italy, but Arsenal, Man Utd and Manchester City were ready to bid, so of course his departure was a formality. Anthony Gordon would be subject of a bid from Liverpool come summer. According to the BBC Nick Woltemade, was homesick and wanted to either go to Bayern Munich or just back to Stuttgart, despite a report that said anything but. And then of course Tino Livramento was off to Manchester City for…a bargain £40m.

Having had his tactics and future questioned for the last few weeks, we were then told that Spurs were coming in for Eddie Howe to replace Thomas Frank. So, of course this being a London club we’d be looking for a new manager come May, what with the capital’s glamour and how the streets are paved with gold.

Throw in the questioning of our summer transfer window, with Anthony Elanga and Jacob Ramsey both being labelled a colossal waste of money by some of the internet’s finest ‘Big 6’ fans and this was going to be a tricky tie.

And yet, we started like a train and were two up after 8 minutes and five up at half time having played brilliantly. It could and should have been more. What was a fluid, professional and lethal Newcastle attacking performance was somehow thwarted again and again by Qarabag keeper Mateusz Kochalski who was surely having the game of his life.

By the end, although we had conceded a consolation goal, we ended the game as 6-1 winners and had all but in name booked our place in the next round of the Champions League. Four goals for Anthony Gordon, some lovely stuff from Nick Woltemade, another goal for Malick Thiaw, a Dan Burn trivela assist, the return of Joelinton and a promising if brief debut for Sean Neave. Twenty two shots with 14 on target.

Six goals away from home in the Champions League. Regardless of who we were playing, not many teams have done that or will go on to do that. An excellent performance and a trip to remember for nearly two thousand of the best fans around.

Whatever the reports say, whatever way the media want to continually try and destabilise this club and however the ITKs want to earn their living, this was Newcastle United in name and in nature. A team running and fighting for each other. And all with smiling faces.

On to the quarter finals and bring on whoever it needs to be. Howay the lads!

NUFC in the Champions League – The alternative guide to Qarabag.

A long, long time ago in an internet galaxy far away…I used to write some stuff for a short lived NUFC fan site called The Pride of England (as in “Geordies are the…” an old, old song we sang back in the 80s & 90s). We were eager to provide something a little bit different in our approach to supporting the club and this meant that we looked at things in a bit of an irreverent style. And so it was a case of letting my imagination run wild…and making stuff up.

So, with irreverence, outright lies and a bit of fun in mind, I thought I’d relive the old days and write a guide to our next Champions League opponents, Qarabag, because let’s face it, where all of our knowledge of Azerbaijan is concerned, anything could pass for the truth.

Qarabag is situated in the Southern Caucasus region which covers the south west of Azerbaijan and Eastern Armenia. However the football team have been based in the Azerbaijani capital of Baku since 1993 rather than their spiritual home of Aghdam, which is actually over 200 miles away. The move was brought about by conflict in the Aghdam region making it unsafe to host football there.

The currency of Azerbaijan is the manat but this is largely unavailable in the UK simply because no one has ever heard of it. Instead, you’re advised to take Euros to exchange for manat once you get there, but a stash of Greggs delicacies and vintage Geordie jeans may actually make the exchange rate more favourable.

On your approach to Baku you may spot a few things that seem strangely familiar. For instance, certain parts of the outer Baku region like Marra are famous for the interbreeding of their donkeys, while places like Wheyskeyz and Nonse are run down and have what look like really shit versions of the Tyne Bridge. Strangely, all are twinned with sunderland.

Fancy a fun fact? Well, you’re getting one anyway. Qarabag’s president Tahir Gozel is a massive fan of mahogany tinted Yorkshire antique dealer, David Dickinson and runs his Azerbaijani fan club. He’s even been on Bargain Hunt back in the day. But it doesn’t end there. Not only is the training ground sponsored by Piz Buin but their home stadium is named the Azersun Arena and azersun is actually the Azerbaijani word for aftersun. Clearly, while the president loves Dicko, he’s also mindful of taking his tanning routine too far.

Two of Qarabag’s star players are branching out in a pretty successful sideline. Winger Leandro Andrade and central defender Kevin ‘Funky Cold’ Medina have been testing the water as love gurus. In fact, when the pair aren’t scoring on the pitch, they’re advising local men how to score with the ladies in their sex advice column, Shagger, written exclusively every month for the Qarabag matchday programme. In fact, such is the success of the column, the pair are about to launch a podcast along the same lines. Good luck on the sexual airwaves, lads.

Meanwhile, Qarabag goalkeeper Shahrudin Mahammadaliyev has a name that will score you 400 in Scrabble, ending any game immediately.

Interestingly, Qarabag run out to The Bay City Roller’s banger ‘Shangalang’. It’s not because it’s an absolute tune either. No, in fact the word shangalang actually roughly translates as ‘get into these’ in Azerbaijani.

If you’re off to the first leg, keep your eyes peeled for the local hooligans. Known as Baku Offa Oglan Balas their name roughly translates into Baku Aggro Boys. So if you see BOOBS written on a nearby wall, don’t build your hopes up; make a swift exit instead.

What you could do is perhaps make your way to imaginatively named local bar, Beer Station Pub which actually serves a local beer called ChitFyased coming in at a heady 14% volume. Be careful not to neck too much though or you might end up dangerously…surely you’ve got that joke? No? Wait a bit…think about that beer… it’ll land eventually.

Finally, if you notice any empty seats in the home areas of the Tofiq Bahramov stadium on Wednesday, remember that Qarabag play a long way from home. But also, a Japanese car giant have a large factory on the outskirts of the nation’s capital, so you could always just blame the Baku shift at Nissan!

So, there you have it, hopefully a useful and fairly comprehensive guide to all things Qarabag. Or just a load of juvenile lies with no offence meant…you decide!